Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Walker
Ipace back and forth in my living room as I try to decide whether I’m going to drive to Jessie’s parents’ house. I could drop Eli off at Eva’s. I could just sit in the street and monitor, wait for her to get back to her car, and then at least I’d know she was okay.
Then I look down at Eli’s sleeping face on my chest. I can’t wake her up and leave her. I’ve been gone all day. Besides, this is something I can’t fix. It’s for Jessie and her parents to work out.
The look on her face when I told her will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. I just took her world and crushed it into a million pieces. I could see the betrayal that cut deep to the bone, and it wasn’t just directed at her parents.
I was also on the receiving end of it. She said it herself. I’d done enough.
She didn’t want anything to do with me. Not the person who’d hidden this from her for so long, who then decided to destroy her world by bringing the secret to light.
My phone buzzes on the cushion next to me. It’s been going off all day. It appears Eva told Roman what happened with Jessie, who decided to tell the rest of the gang since he’s out of town.
They’ve been texting me all day. I haven’t responded.
The silence in my apartment is unbearable.
Every tick of the clock grates against my nerves, a reminder that time is moving on without her in it.
The air feels heavy, like even it can’t stand to sit with me in this mess I’ve made.
My chest aches with the kind of emptiness that no amount of logic can fix, just a hollow echo where her voice should be.
I keep seeing her face when I told her. The shock, the devastation, the way she looked at me like I was a stranger. I’ve faced down billion-dollar lawsuits without flinching, but this—this—has me coming apart at the seams. There’s no defense, no argument strong enough to undo what I did.
There’s a sudden knock at my door.
“I know you’re in there,” Colton’s voice booms from the hallway. “Open up.”
My head falls back on the couch before I stand up and place Eli in her swing. I buckle her in, press the start button, and play the music.
I twist the knob and open the door. Colton stands in front of me in his gym clothes, black shorts and cutoff black shirt.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
He steps into my place. I close the door and follow him in.
He glances down at Eli in the swing, then turns to me. “I’m here to help.”
I suppress the sigh that wants to break free. “There’s nothing you can do. Nothing will help. Just … I just want to be alone.”
He shrugs. “Too bad. Go change into some gym clothes. We’re going to the gym in the building.”
My head juts forward, eyes narrowing. “Um, I can’t go to the gym. What about Eli?”
“We’re taking her with us. We can put her in the car seat. If she gets upset, I’ll hold her. You need to get some of this adrenaline out of you. It’ll help you. Trust me.”
It sounds like he’s talking from experience. Although I still feel like I should protest, the idea of running and lifting appealing, just to rid my body of the adrenaline coursing through my veins. I might actually get some sleep tonight if I do.
“Fine,” I groan and stomp into my bedroom.
As I pull my shirt over my head, I hear Colton in the other room. “Do we need to pack a bottle or something for her?”
I throw on my gym shirt, then shorts and walk back out of the room. “No, she just ate. I’ll just grab the diaper bag.”
After I throw on my tennis shoes and move Eli to the stroller, we head out the door and into the elevator.
She is squirming and scrunching, but as the stroller moves, it seems to settle her back down.
I don’t think she’ll last long, nor do I see Colton really holding her, but fuck it.
I’d rather not argue with him. I don’t have the energy for that.
The gym is empty, not surprising since it’s five o’clock on a Saturday. I park the stroller in the center of the room. Colton pats my back and motions for me to follow him. We each step onto a treadmill.
“Let’s do some sprints,” he says.
We both hit the number four and walk for a couple of minutes to warm up. He doesn’t try to talk, and I wonder if he’s figuring out in his head what he wants to say.
“All right, here we go.” He interrupts my thoughts. “We’ll work our way up. Sprint at eight for sixty seconds. On the count of three. One. Two. Three.”
The first round doesn’t get my heart rate up that much. He makes us do another four rounds with a minute walk in between. Then he pushes us up to a ten four times before moving to twelve. By the time we’re done, I’m pouring sweat and gasping to catch my breath.
I press Stop and lean my hands on the rails of the treadmill in an effort to recover.
“Nice work. How do you feel?” he asks.
“It’s … been … a minute … since I’ve worked out,” I respond in breaths as I motion to Eli still sleeping in the middle of the room.
He smiles. “Yeah, you’ve been a little busy.”
I follow him over to the bench, where he starts to rack the barbell with weights.
“Are you settling into fatherhood now?”
I place my hands on my hips. “I still don’t know what I’m doing half the time. It feels like I’m on an island with no one to talk to.”
“If you ever need advice, I’m only a phone call away.”
I turn my head to the side with confusion.
“I’m a doctor. I may be in oncology now, but I made my rounds during residency. I saw a lot of infants.”
“Ah.” I nod in response. “I honestly never even thought of that. I’ll keep it in mind. I’m sure I’ll be a basket case when she gets sick for the first time.”
“It’s scary when it’s little ones. They can’t tell you what’s wrong. You can feel helpless in the beginning.”
We take turns doing sets of six presses. My arms and chest scream at me all throughout the process in the best way. It’s exactly what I need.
Just as we move over to the dumbbells, Eli starts to whimper softly in the stroller. I turn to move toward her, but he puts his hand up.
“Not so fast. I said I’ll hold her. You give me three sets of ten hammer curls.”
His directness makes me laugh.
“Yes, sir.”
I start to pull each dumbbell up, one arm at a time, inhaling and exhaling with each movement. Colton joins me with Eli propped up on his arm, her back leaning against his chest so she’s sitting up and looking out at me.
Her eyes move from left to right, like she’s trying to take in the room in front of her. I smile at them through the mirror as I continue.
“You look like a natural,” I tell him.
He begins to walk back and forth behind me while I struggle through my reps, pushing through the burn. “Don’t think this means I’m a reliable babysitter.” He smiles. “My schedule is unpredictable.”
“Wouldn’t think of it,” I reply. “You’re not even a reliable friend.”
He feigns offense. “Excuse me. I am here, making sure your ass doesn’t sink down a hole of self-pity.”
“Don’t worry about that. There’s no self-pity going on here. More like self-hatred.”
That makes him stop in his tracks. “Want to talk about it?”
“Not even a little bit.”
I finish up my reps, and he tells me to switch to an upright row. I should tell him I can pick my own workout, but it’s nice not to have to think for once. So, instead of being stubborn and arguing, I pick another weight and do his suggestion.
He narrows his eyes. “Tough shit. We’re talking about it. Have you heard from her?”
“No.”
He stops in place. “Have you reached out to her?”
“No.”
“Well, aren’t you the talker? Why not?”
I huff out my exhale more dramatically than usual, hoping he gets the point. “Because she doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“Did she tell you that?”
“Not those exact words.”
“Ah, so you’re projecting your worst fears to protect yourself.”
“Just because she didn’t use those exact words doesn’t mean everything is fine. You weren’t there. You didn’t see the betrayal in her eyes. She blames me for keeping it a secret for so long. She told me I’d done enough, then asked me to leave.”
He just watches me as I finish out my reps. I place the weights back down on the rack.
“It’s a shitty situation you were put in. Roman gave us all the rundown. You did what you thought was right for Jessie. She’ll come around and see it. I’m sure she just needs time.”
I know better than to get my hopes up, thinking there’s a possibility that she might forgive me. I wipe my forehead with the back of my shirt.
“Come on.” Colton nods his head. “Let’s get back to your place. Get a shower and have a drink. No more talking about Jessie. We’ll just hang out.”
I don’t argue with that. Wallowing in my own sadness was not working like I thought it would. At least Colton can be here to make sure I don’t do anything stupid, like drive to Jessie’s parents’ house and insert myself where I don’t belong.