Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Jessie
Isit in my car and grip the steering wheel like it’s a lifeline. I’ve been sitting in my parents’ driveway for thirty minutes, trying to work up the nerve to go in. I couldn’t even cry if I wanted to. I’m pretty sure my body can’t produce any more tears.
The entire drive out here was a blur of emotions. My body still trembles with adrenaline. There’s no way this can be true. It would change everything I thought I knew about who I am. The one person who gets me, who I modeled myself to be like, is not even who I thought he was.
All this time, it was a lie.
I force myself to move. The car door slams, too loud in the quiet neighborhood, and for a second, I just stand there, my breaths coming too quickly. My legs feel like they belong to someone else as I walk to the door. I press the bell and wait, my heart pounding in my throat.
Footsteps. Then the familiar sound of the lock turning.
My dad—no, not my dad—opens the door in his golf attire, like it’s any other Saturday. The faint smell of sunscreen and aftershave hits me, and I wonder if he and Mom spent the day at the club, laughing, pretending everything was normal.
The sight of him twists my stomach. The man who raised me. The man who tucked me in at night and told me monsters weren’t real.
“Jessie? You okay, sweetheart?”
I swallow hard, my voice catching before I can stop it. “No. Not even close.”
I step inside, not willing to kick off my shoes, despite knowing my mother would prefer it. I need the possibility of a fast escape.
“What’s wrong? Is it Walker?” he asks in his soothing voice.
I laugh bitterly. “I guess you can say that’s part of it. Is Mother here? I need to speak with both of you.”
He appears slightly on edge. “Sure, sweetie. Why don’t you go make yourself comfortable in the family room? I’ll go get her.”
I wait for what feels like an eternity before they both join me. They sit on the couch directly across from me.
“Hello, dear. This is quite a surprise,” Mother says cautiously.
I fold my hands on my lap, cross my legs, then uncross them. I can’t stay still. My hands move to my hair and tuck it behind my ears several times.
“I’m sure it is,” I reply coldly.
They both sit in silence and watch me fidget in my seat. Dad’s eyes look me up and down, then close. He knows I know. I see the defeat in his posture.
“I know,” I blurt, aware of the tremor in my voice.
Mother is clueless. Her puzzled look quickly becomes one of irritation as she waits for me to continue.
“How did you find out?” he asks.
His quiet admission tears at my insides.
“So, it’s true?”
Mother’s eyes squint as she looks between us. “Find out what? What on earth is going on?”
Dad sighs. “Meredith, she knows.”
Her eyes blaze with sudden shock. She corrects her posture, like she’s on the defense now, then turns her head back to me. “How could you possibly …” She trails off.
I imagine this is a secret that only the two of them know. She never thought it would see the light of day.
“Walker overheard you two arguing at my graduation party.” My eyes meet Dad’s as tears begin to fall. “You’re really not my dad?”
He makes a choked sound, and then his face falls into his hands. I’ve never seen him cry before. It just makes me cry harder, makes the weight on my chest feel heavier.
“It’s not what you think …” Mother starts, but Dad pulls his head up and cranes his neck.
“Enough, Meredith. No more excuses. We lied to her. Don’t try to defend it.”
“I’m not going to sit here and look like the devil while you cry and play victim. That’s not fair to me. If the truth is out, I get to speak.”
“What are you two talking about?” I wipe my cheeks.
Mother takes a deep breath. “We thought it was for the best. I promise it wasn’t meant to deceive you. I was doing what I thought was right for you—what was right for our family.”
“How is lying to me what’s best for me?”
She looks over at my dad, who is slumped on the couch.
“After Ethan was born, your father and I struggled in our marriage. He was working a lot. I was angry. Lonely. When he approached me and asked for a separation, I couldn’t bear the idea.
I needed a break. Some friends took me on a trip to clear my head.
I ended up having too much to drink and slept with someone. ”
I go still—too still. It’s as if my body has forgotten how to move, how to breathe.
“By the time I found out, he was long gone, and your father and I had discussed the idea of trying again. We didn’t want you to feel left out, like Ethan had two parents and you didn’t fit in.
” Her armor begins to crack as thick tears begin to stream down her face.
“I promise I never made the decision lightly.”
“All these years, you made the decision to protect me?”
She must hear the doubt in my voice. I watch her wipe away her tears, and then she looks up at the ceiling as she tries to regain control.
“Oh, I don’t know. I suppose years down the line, I held some unresolved resentment about the entire situation.
I worried a lot about if the truth got out.
Would you hate me? Hate us? Would you not look at him as your father anymore?
Then maybe some more selfish concerns. I worried about what others would think about us. ”
For a moment, I can’t even hear her. The room feels too small, like the air’s been sucked out of it. My pulse is pounding so loud that it drowns everything else out.
Protect me? That’s what she’s calling this?
My laugh cracks on the way out, sharp and humorless.
“You didn’t protect me. You built my entire life around a lie and expected me to thank you for it.
” My voice trembles, but I don’t stop. “You didn’t want me to feel left out?
What about now? Because that’s exactly what I am—on the outside of a family that was never really mine. ”
Dad’s head jerks up, his eyes red-rimmed and desperate. “Jessie, don’t say that. You are mine. You’ll always be mine.”
“Am I?” I whisper, my throat raw. “Or did you just pretend so it would be easier?”
He stands, and I can see the pain written all over his face. “No. I raised you. I loved you. That’s never been pretend.”
But it’s too late. The words can’t reach me.
I stand up and put my hands up in defense. “Then you should’ve trusted me to love you anyway.”
With that, I run to the front door like I’m suffocating and the only thing that will save me is the air outside. The moment I take my first inhale of the hot, muggy summer air, my hands grip my knees, and I cry out loud as the pain sears through me.
Before they can chase me, I sprint to my car and get inside, then hit the gas. The entire drive home, I’m in a daze as I try to navigate my feelings. Seeing them cry, their pain—it made me so angry. They are not the victims in this; I am.
The moment I get back to my place, I know I’m too wired to go to sleep.
I park my car and decide to walk along the streets alone.
It’s not the smartest thing in the world, but I also know the streets of the city like the back of my hand.
I stay on the busy ones. It’s Saturday night, so I don’t have to worry about them being busy at eleven, they always are.
I try to focus on just my steps instead of the turmoil inside of me. Everyone walking down the street next to me acts as if life is full of the most amazing possibilities. I used to feel like that.
Now I know the truth—life is full of lies.
Then I look up and realize I’m standing in front of his building. I don’t even think twice before I open the door and run to the elevator. I know the code to bring it up to the penthouse.
I know it’s late. I’m sure he’s sleeping. But I need him. I need him more than I’ve ever needed anyone.