26. Chapter Twenty-Six
Jax
T hey are both gone because of me. Sitting in the darkened living room, I’m sprawled on the floor with my back against the couch. I scrub a hand over my face, my eyes swollen from dried tears as I glance at the clock that sits on the TV stand. The bright red numbers are blurry to my tired eyes, but it’s just past midnight. Sighing, I reach towards the six-pack sitting on the floor next to me. My hand meets nothing but empty air.
“Who drank all my beer?” My words slur together, but I contemplate going to the kitchen for more anyway. But the room is spinning, and…shit, it’s hard to focus. Closing my eyes, I picture her face.
My Maddie.
Heartbroken because of me.
Gone because of me.
Just…gone.
Paige must grow tired of my bullshit after I refuse to show up for work the next three days. She calls me on the third morning, grumbling about running the shop by herself. I groggily promise her a raise and hang up. Thirty minutes later, there’s a light knock on my front door.
“Go away,” I mumble into the pillow that my face is currently burrowed into, my body slung across the couch. “I’m busy.” Busy missing her, wishing my only brother didn’t hate me, and feeling sorry for myself. I groan when the knock sounds again, this time a little more persistent. “Fine. I’m coming.”
I nearly tumble off the couch as I stand up, stretching out the kinks in my back. Jesus, even my knees are stiff. Kicking over empty food containers as I stumble to the door, I pull it open with a petulant glare but stop short at the sight of my unexpected visitor.
Mary.
“Did Paige call you?” I narrow my eyes, but she stands there looking sweet and innocent, as much as an old hellcat like her is capable of anyway. She holds a covered casserole dish in her hand and balances a pitcher of sweet tea on top. When she smiles at me, some of her fire-engine red lipstick is smeared across her front teeth. And she, of course, ignores my question.
“Are you going to invite me in, or should I stay on the porch?”
With a heavy sigh, I take the food from her, ignoring the way my stomach rumbles when the smell of baked chicken invades my senses. My mouth waters, and I try to recall the last time I ate something substantial. Mary follows me inside, wrinkling her nose as she looks around. Although she’s trying to act casual, her eyes won’t meet mine. There’s a soft, sympathetic look on her face as she takes in my disheveled appearance. Shame heats my cheeks, and I avert my gaze as I carry the food to the kitchen.
I know what she sees: hair that hasn’t been washed in days, overgrown scruff along my jaw, and food stains on my white shirt.
And I’m pretty sure I stink.
“I would ask how you’re feeling, but I think I already know the answer,” she says.
“Ouch. Tell me how you really think.”
Setting the food on the kitchen counter, I lean back against it and cross my arms. She stands in the doorway, noting the dishes piled in the sink and the overflowing trash can. I’m usually meticulous about keeping a clean house, so it’s pretty telling. But I don’t see any judgment.
“What do you know?” I ask, swallowing around the dry, thick feeling in my tongue.
“Paige said after you called out two days in a row, she showed up here to check on you. Apparently, you answered the door acting like a regressed caveman and told her to leave.” I grimace, because she’s not wrong. “She noticed that Maddison’s car hasn’t been around and said you looked like you could use a friend.”
I scoff. “That’s a nice way of saying I look like shit.”
Mary shrugs. “She didn’t say it that politely, but I didn’t think you wanted a play-by-play.”
My lips twitch, and I feel a trickle of amusement, despite my foul mood. No, Paige isn’t one to hold back.
I give her a tight smirk. “No need to go easy on my account. You never have before. Why start now?”
She sighs, giving me a look I can’t decipher. “I’m not kicking you when you’re already down. And I’m not here to bicker, I just came by to check on you.”
“Well,” I say, rubbing the back of my neck, “I appreciate that, but I’m doing fine. I’m actually kind of busy so…”
She gives me a look that clearly says she doesn’t believe me. “Humor an old lady and have lunch with me.”
“I’m not really hungry.”
She nods before giving me a flippant shrug. When she heads towards the kitchen doorway, I sigh with relief and begin following her through the living room. She peers over her shoulder at me, speaking casually. “Well, I’ll leave you then, and let you get back to whatever you were doing before. I’ll just call Maddison instead, and she can tell me what’s going on.”
I freeze. “What?”
She stops at the front door, giving me a knowing smile as she pulls it open. My heart begins to thump in my ears.
“I’ll just see you later, I suppose,” she says.
I squeeze my eyes shut. “I—no, wait.”
She turns back around, flashing a triumphant grin.
Dammit. I fell right into her trap. I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose as she closes the front door and breezes past me.
“Do you always get what you want?” I follow her back into the kitchen.
She smiles, gesturing towards the table while pointedly ignoring my question. “Sit down. We’ll eat lunch together, and you can tell me what happened.” When I make no move to sit, she gives me a saccharine smile. “Humor an old lady, Jax. At my age, it’s not like I have much time left.” She bats her eyelashes at me and I glower at her but find myself lowering into an empty chair.
“You are far too manipulative for an eighty-year-old woman,” I mutter.
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” She hums, making herself right at home as she moves around. Grabbing a few empty plates and silverware, she pours two glasses of sweet tea and sits a steaming plate full of food in front of me. When my stomach gives another angry rumble, I give up and dig in. The chicken nearly melts on my tongue, the cheese baked into the broccoli warm and gooey. I shovel large bites into my mouth, and I’m nearly half-way through my first plate when she speaks again.
“Talk.”
I sigh, swallowing a bite of food that suddenly holds less appeal. But I tell her everything: how I evacuated an entire building because I was jealous of her date, our agreement, how good things were between us, how I was falling deeper in love with her…how Luke proposed. I tell her how jealous and inadequate I felt as I stood behind her, watching my baby brother get down on one knee. How I couldn’t stay and watch without wanting to destroy everything around me. Luke walking in and looking at me like he hated me.
My Maddie looking heartbroken.
“That’s quite the story.” Mary is silent for a long minute, a thoughtful expression on her face as she dabs a napkin at the corner of her mouth. She sets it on her empty plate, leaning back to study me.
“I should have never gone near her,” I mumble, staring down at my own empty plate.
She makes some non-committal sound under her breath as she leans forward to scoop more food onto my plate. “Why not?”
“I had no right.” I take another bite, watching her forehead wrinkle.
“You were both consenting adults.”
“Luke is always going to feel like I betrayed him.” I scrub a hand over my face. “He thinks I took away his second chance with her. Like I stole her or some shit.”
Eyeing me over the rim of her glass, she takes a sip of tea before setting it down with a deep sigh. “You may have broken some kind of ‘bro code,’” she says, making air quotes. I can’t help but snicker at hearing an eighty-year-old woman use the words bro and code together in a sentence. “But you didn’t steal her. She wasn’t his, and their relationship was over before anything happened between you two.” Heat creeps across my cheeks, and she frowns. “It was over, right?”
“Basically.” I take a sip of sweet tea before returning to my food, studiously avoiding her gaze. The time I jerked off in the doorway of her bedroom doesn’t really count…right? “That’s really not the point though.”
“Maybe if he knew—”
My head snaps back up. “No, no, even she doesn’t know everything, and I...no, that’s not going to fix anything.”
Her eyes harden, and she leans forward with pursed lips. It’s the closest I’ve ever seen her to being angry with me. “It might not fix anything,” she agrees. “But I think if he had a little more perspective, he would be more willing to extend you some grace. And I think she deserves to know.”
“Can we please change the subject?”
“No.”
I roll my eyes.
“Jax, I have always admired the way you stepped in and took care of him when your father died. Luke may not have always had an easy life, but you made sure he had everything he needed. But you overcompensated, trying to make up for him not having any parents. You put his needs first, and you’re still doing it. Stepping aside so he can have whatever he wants. I think it’s time you let him grow up a little. Maybe be a little selfish for once and think about what you want out of life.”
“It’s not like that,” I grit out.
She arches a perfectly-shaped eyebrow.
“He never got to have a mother, and he barely remembers our father.” I tap the front of my chest. “I had to take that role on, and I was too young to even know what the hell I was doing. But I’m supposed to be the person who is there for him, always in his corner. And I failed him.” I ball my hands into fists, lowering them onto my lap so she doesn’t see the way they tremble. There’s a thick lump in my throat now.
Her eyes soften. “You didn’t fail him, Jax. But we can’t always protect those we love from the hardships of life, and I don’t think you should sacrifice your own well-being and happiness just to make him a little more comfortable.” She shakes her head, her tone turning firm again. “The two of you cater to him like he’s not capable of handling his big boy feelings. He’s a grown man, not an adolescent child.”
Bringing my hands to my temples, I close my eyes and try to rub away the headache forming there. I hear Mary get up and move away, a quiet rattling making me open my eyes again. She sets down a bottle of ibuprofen next to me, her hand gently resting atop my shoulder.
“I’m not trying to bust your balls, kid.”
I snort.
“I’m just not sure if you realize you’re about to let the love of your life get away.”
My heart stumbles, and I suck in a sharp breath. Her words feel like a sucker punch, and yet…Yeah, Maddison Raddix is the love of my life. But I knew that already, didn’t I?
“After all the history, all the years spent pinning…are you going to let her be the one that got away?”
I think about what my life could be like years down the road, and realize I simply cannot picture a future without Maddie. Anything else seems bleak and depressing, like living a half-life. I’ve spent so long trying to stay away from her, I hadn’t realized just how much she had seeped through the cracks anyway. How much she’s brightened my life.
But Luke…I remember nights when he used to wake up after a bad dream and crawl into bed next to me with snot running down his chin. Then there were the mornings I walked him to the bus stop after sneaking vegetables into his lunch bag. Although I internally freaked the fuck out when I became his guardian overnight, wanting to protect him felt natural. A little more than a big brother but not quite a father figure either. But somehow it worked for us, and I love him. Even if he doesn’t quite love me right now.
Then there’s Maddie. The perfect mixture of softness and sass, a woman who experienced tragedy at a young age but keeps her chin up anyway. A woman who loves the way I dominate her in the bedroom yet doesn’t hesitate to put me in my place when I’m being overly protective. I’ve never been able to talk and laugh for hours with another person like I have with her.
“Where is the man who evacuated an entire building because I was on a date with someone else?”
Shit, she was right. So, so right.
I’ve never been one to let fear get in the way. And yet, that’s exactly what happened here. I let them both walk out of my house that day when I should have been bulldozing through their defenses.
The only question is: how do I get them both back?