25. Chapter Twenty-Five
Maddison
“ A re you an engaged woman now?”
Jax’s grin is mocking, and it sets my teeth on edge. I purse my lips, my arms crossed, fingers digging into my biceps, and my back pressing to the entryway behind me.
“Should I congratulate you?” he continues, sounding both angry and hurt. Then he looks down at his clasped hands from his spot on the bottom of the staircase, his expression transforming into something bleak and defeated that has a lump forming in my throat.
I speak quietly, but firmly. “The wrong brother asked me, so no. I am not engaged.”
His head snaps up, and I watch as a myriad of emotions cross his face: surprise, hope, relief, and regret. I don’t know what any of those mean for us, and it’s terrifying. It’s the kind of trepidation accompanied by a sweeping chill, reminding me of windows coated in frost on lonely winter mornings.
“The wrong brother.” He makes a garbled noise, something that sounds like a cross between a stifled whimper and a pained moan. Standing, he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
I push myself off the doorway and slowly approach him. “I already told you once that Luke and I are done.”
“That’s not what he thinks.”
“I’m pretty sure he gets it now.”
The shuffling movements of my feet don’t stop until I’m standing directly in front of him, both of us next to the wall in front of the bottom step. My hands reach up to frame his face, my thumbs softly brushing across the scratchy stubble along his jaw as his hands gently circle my wrists.
“I know what you said but when you love someone for that long, it’s hard to walk away. There’s a lot of history between you two, and he’s not ten years older than you.” He scoffs, a bitter laugh rising from his throat. “You wouldn’t have to be his dirty little secret.”
My heart twists as I shake my head, blinking rapidly. “It’s easy because I’m not in love with him,” I say, my voice cracking.
Jax sucks in a sharp breath, his expression one of hope.
And heartbreak.
And disbelief.
“I know it’s asking a lot, but we could just tell him everything.” My stomach drops at the stricken look on Jax’s face, some of the color leaching from his skin. My heart begins to pound wildly, but I forge ahead. “I know it’s scary and risky, but I think he will get over it. He’ll be mad at first, but he’ll forgive us eventually.”
Jax’s mouth opens and then closes again. He takes a step back, pushing a hand through his hair with a groan before leaning against the wall and closing his eyes.
Damnit. He loves me. I know he does. And maybe I should have figured it out sooner, but the signs are clear to me now. He hasn’t said as much but over the last few weeks, he might as well have been screaming it through his actions. It’s evident in the softness of his eyes when he stares at me, the way he gathers me into his arms as we sleep, the way he puts my pleasure before his own, and the way he rushes out into a snowstorm to come find me. But there’s one very important question. Is it enough to give us a fighting chance?
“I’m just asking—” I stop, taking a deep breath when my voice trembles. His eyes open, finding my face with a pained expression. “We don’t have to tell him right away. We can give him some time and space first. But just…don’t give up on us,” I say. When he continues giving me that saddened, kicked-puppy look, some of my hope dries up. It floods me with desperation, and the rush of panic makes me want to scream.
Which, in turn, makes me irrationally angry.
I grit my teeth. “Where is the man who evacuated an entire building because I was on a date with someone else?” Leaning forward, I tap a finger over his heart. “I know you’re afraid of losing your brother, but I also know that he admires the hell out of you. And I think you need to trust that his love isn’t that fickle.”
“I am afraid of losing him, but I’m also afraid of losing you. And I don’t know what the right thing to do is.” He grabs my hand, placing my palm flat to his chest. Beneath it, I can feel the steady thumping of his heartbeat. His thumb strokes soothing circles over the scar on my wrist.
But he still has that desperate, wild look that makes me want to scream.
“What if I can’t have both of you? You are the two most important people in my life. What happens when I’m forced to pick?”
Pressure builds in the corners of my eyes, the unshed tears blurring my vision and obscuring my view. A couple tears finally slip down my cheek, and Jax’s thumb swipes them away. He looks like he wants to kick himself.
“Please don’t cry, baby.” He presses his forehead to mine, our breaths mingling as his hand cups the back of my neck. His eyes squeeze shut, his lips trembling. “Fuck. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I shouldn’t have been so selfish. If I had just kept my damn hands off of you, none of this would be happening right now.”
More tears slip down my cheeks, his words sending a fissure of a crack through my heart.
“I’m not ready to let you go,” I rasp. My fingers cling onto his shirt, pulling him closer to me. “You’re not the only selfish one here. I could have walked away too. But I kept letting myself get drawn to you, even knowing I could destroy your relationship with the only family you have. Every touch and look only made me want more. Hell, I still want more.”
“Shhh, baby.” His lips find mine, brushing tentatively at first before parting slightly. Pressing my body against his, I revel in the warmth radiating off of him, his soft breaths tickling just beneath my nose, and his fingers threading through my hair. When he begins to pull away, I tighten my grip and pull him back. A petulant sort of groaned protest spills from my throat, and Jax’s lips curve against mine.
I need him. I need him to touch me, to prove that this thing between us isn’t over. That it’s still real. A spike of arousal heats my blood, and I nip at his bottom lip. He growls, his hands sliding down to cup my ass and pull me against him. When I grind myself over his thickening erection, his precious control snaps.
I’m spun around, my body thrust against the wall hard enough to wrench a gasp from the back of my throat. Jax’s hand cups the back of my head, a barrier between me and the hard surface. “If you need something from me, then you say it.” His voice is a gravelly, hoarse command that sends a lick of heat up my spine. Then his teeth are nipping at my jaw, gliding down to suck on my neck as his hips grind me into the wall. My frantic fingers reach underneath the hem of his shirt, my palms moving over toned muscles.
You. I need you right now. Make me forget that the odds are stacked against us.
“You don’t get my cock unless you ask nicely,” he taunts.
“I want your cock.”
He gives me an appreciative groan.
Then my legs wrap around his waist, and my fingers pull against his belt buckle. I whimper when his hands slap mine away, one hand taking my wrists captive and pinning them to the wall above me. Heat pools in my core, my hips writhing.
“You can do better than that.” His grin is wicked as his free hand slips beneath the waistband of my leggings. I gasp when he cups my pussy, his middle finger lightly grazing over the silk material of my panties. “Already so fucking soaked for me. A few pumps and you’d be coming around my cock, wouldn’t you?”
“Jax,” I moan. I’ll do anything, anything for just a hint of friction.
He cocks an eyebrow, his finger brushing against my clit in a feather-like touch that only stokes my need higher. I jerk against the heat zapping along my nerves.
“Say please.”
“Please… please .”
Jax groans before taking my mouth in a brutal, swift kiss. Then his hands release mine and yank my leggings down to my knees. My panties are pushed down with them, leaving nothing between him and my wet pussy. Then his thumb returns to my clit, circling it as my hips buck against him.
“Do you know what that word does to me?” he asks, a rumble of a growl slipping out.
I shake my head, crying out when his finger slips inside me.
“It makes me fucking weak. Every time you say please, I want to get on my damn knees and give you everything.” His fingers pump in and out, curling to hit my G-spot. His words hit me like a lightning bolt, a rush of heat curling inside my lower belly.
“Oh God, Jax.”
“Take my cock out and put it inside you.”
At his command, my eager hands latch onto his belt buckle. Within seconds, I’m yanking his belt out of the loops and pulling the zipper down. His forehead presses to mine, his gaze sliding down to watch my movements as his fingers continue their rhythmic pumping inside me. When I’ve freed his cock, I give it a few experimental strokes. I make sure to tease the underside of his sensitive head.
He groans, pulling his fingers out of me when I guide his cockhead to my entrance. I don’t ease into it or give myself time to adjust before I’m sliding him in all the way to the hilt in one swift motion. His mouth parts, his face getting that faraway look, like he’s trapped in a haze of pleasure. The heady sensation of being stretched and filled steals my breath. It momentarily knocks the air out of my lungs, making me gasp as my head thuds against the wall.
He pulls almost all the way out and then slams back inside me. I cry out his name, our bodies slapping together as he fucks me into the wall.
“Look how well you take me.”
I whimper, looking down and admiring the way I stretch around his cock. His hips pull back, each thrust a little harder than the one before. We go silent, each of us chasing our pleasure as the sound of our panting moans mingle together. His thumb finds my clit, stroking me. The pressure builds until I’m on the precipice, my nails scraping down his back.
This. I want this for the rest of my life.
That thought pushes me over the edge, a mewling cry spilling from my lips as my climax reaches its peak. I squeeze around his cock, my muscles gripping him. As soon as my body begins relaxing, the aftershocks still rolling through me, his own thrusts become erratic. He spills inside me, his face buried in my neck as his body shudders.
He holds me like that, my hands clutching his shoulders like I’m afraid to let go. Our bodies cool, our breathing returning to normal before he finally looks at me with a hesitant expression.
“Maddie, I—”
The door slams open, my heart trying to crawl out of my throat as I squeak. Jax curses, his head snapping towards the intrusion.
“What. The. Fuck.”
Time slows down, my head spinning as I stare at Luke. He stands in the doorway, a mixture of shock and anger crossing his face. Jax slides out of me, his face pale as he guides me to my feet and yanks my leggings up over my hips before tucking himself back into his jeans. Luke watches, his teeth grinding and his face reddening. Jax whirls around, standing in front of me in a protective stance.
“Let me explain,” he says, holding up a hand.
Luke crosses his arms, remaining rooted in his spot within the doorway, not seeming to care about the cold air sweeping inside. “Explain what? That you’re fucking my girlfriend?”
Jax winces. I place my hand on his shoulder, stepping around him and glaring at Luke. “That’s not fair. I’m not your girlfriend, and I haven’t been for a while.”
“Yeah.” He laughs, a dark and bitter sound. “I mess up and kiss a girl I don’t even know once , and you refuse to talk to me. But you spread your legs for my own brother, and you expect me to forgive that ?”
“Do not speak to her like that.” Jax barrels forward, his lips curled in an angry snarl as he crowds Luke’s space. “You want someone to be mad at? Take it out on me. I messed up; I should have never touched her, and I’m sorry. But I will not have you acting like a little disrespectful shit to her.”
My heart thuds as my gaze darts back and forth between the two Parker brothers. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this kind of betrayal between two brothers runs too deep to be repaired.
What have I done?
Luke glances at me and then back at his brother, his eyes narrowing. “Is this the first time you’ve fucked her, or has it been happening the entire time I’ve been gone?”
Jax gives him a warning look. “ That is none of your business.”
Luke steps forward, looking like he’s ready to spit nails.
Jax doesn’t back down or even flinch. “It’s happened a few times, but I wasn’t trying to hurt—”
Luke’s gaze spins towards me, the anger on his face cracking. He looks… anguished. His lips tremble, and I want to dig a hole and bury myself in it.
“A few times?” He shakes his head. “I quit my job so that I could come back and try to salvage our relationship!”
My face heats. “I didn’t ask you to do that.”
Luke glares at Jax, the look of betrayal cutting through me. “How could you?” he asks.
Pulse hammering, I give Jax a pleading look. He averts his eyes, his face twisting. There’s an immediate pressure at the back of my throat, the realization hitting me that he’s not going to fight for us. The fear of losing his little brother forever is too strong, too real.
“You would choose a woman over your own brother?” Luke asks, his feet slowly backing towards the open doorway.
Jax steps forward, his arms outstretched like he wants to pull him back. I blink, forcing myself to keep my tears at bay as a coldness settles over me.
I can’t watch this.
I should have known I wouldn’t get my happy ending.
“It’s not like that,” Jax pleads, his forlorn expression hitting like a gut punch. “It’s not about picking anyone over the other. There’s room for you both.”
“No,” Luke snaps, his voice firm as his jaw tenses. “There isn’t. You don’t get to steal my girl and expect me to stick around to watch.”
“Luke, shit.” Jax’s eyes squeeze shut. “Don’t do this.”
I want to scream, to yank on my hair and tell the world how unfair this is. I want to crawl under a blanket and hide away while I sob and rage. But I take a deep, steadying breath and push the chaotic feelings down.
You can break down later .
I think I’ve done enough damage. I refuse to break these two brothers apart. I also refuse to have my heart shattered into irreparable pieces by watching Jax pick someone else over me, even if I understand his decision.
When I step forward, I’m not quite able to meet their eyes. “Let me make this easy for all of us. I’m going to leave and let you two have your space. I’ll come back for my stuff later, but I’ll make sure you don’t have to see me again.”
I ignore the look of unbridled panic on Jax’s face, a fresh tear slipping down my cheek. It hurts to have him look at me like that, like I’m the one breaking his heart when I’m just trying to do damage control.
“Maddie, please. Don’t.” He sounds like he’s on the verge of tears himself.
I don’t look at him, not yet. I can’t. I look at Luke instead. “Luke, just to be clear: you and I are over, and nothing will change that. I’m sorry if my actions hurt you, but I’m not asking you for your forgiveness. If you need someone to be mad at, I can take the anger and the hurt.” My voice breaks as another tear slips free, and I wipe it away. Jax makes a pained noise as he moves towards me, but he freezes when I put my hand up and give him a warning look. “But just… don’t take it out on him. He’s the only family you have, and you guys need each other.”
I finally look at Jax, but I find I can’t speak. Not when I see the tears welling in his eyes. Our gazes lock, his looking as heartbroken as I feel. And I hope he knows how I feel because I can’t quite articulate it right now.
“I’m sorry,” I say softly.
He rubs at his chest, shaking his head. “Don’t leave. Not like this. Don’t…”
Despair settles over me like a heavy blanket, my lips trembling as I fight the urge not to crumble. I can’t stay here a second longer, or I won’t even be strong enough to crawl out the door. Spinning on my heel, I ignore Jax as he calls my name and bolt towards my car. My shoulder bumps into Luke as I rush out, slamming the door behind me.
Maybe I deserve this.
My fingers shake as I stab the key into the ignition and turn the car on. The engine purrs to life.
I should have known better.
Gravel flings out from behind my car as I peel out of the driveway, my foot pressing down on the gas pedal.
I have to walk away, for his sake, even if it hurts like hell. It was stupid to think Luke would ever be okay with this.
Trees blur on both sides of the car windows as I fly down the road. My heart twists in my chest.
But I love him. I love him, I love him…I love…him.
I’m only a few miles down the road before the sobs tearing from my lungs make it impossible to drive. I pull over, dial Hazel’s phone number, and tell her everything.