31. Chapter Thirty-One
Maddison
“ Y ou’re…here.”
Despite the shock still running rampant through my system, I drink him in. I want to rejoice at seeing him again. I want to run into his arms, and never let him go. Questions swirl through my mind, but they all get stuck on my tongue as I give him a dumbfounded stare.
“The captain told me…” He’s silent as he studies me, his gaze sliding down my body and back up again. He takes a hesitant step forward, his hands balling into fists at his sides. “He told me you wanted a copy of the report from your accident, and he noticed my name was on it. And I thought maybe…” His eyes snag on the papers still clutched in my hands, and a pained expression crosses his face.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly. I’m not a hundred percent sure why he’s apologizing. I stand up, slowly facing him as I step forward. A cold breeze whips around me, sending a shiver through my body. I cross my arms for warmth, and Jax frowns. I open my mouth to speak, but he beats me to it. “Can we get out of here?”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
Another breeze blows through, stealing the breath from my lungs. I grimace, hugging myself tighter as my body continues to shiver. My cheeks feel chapped now, and my fingers are numb. His eyes darken, a displeased sort of rumble building from deep within his chest. He immediately shrugs out of his jacket before draping it over my shoulders. I whoosh out a breath as the lingering warmth from his body heat envelopes me.
“I’ll answer any questions you have as soon as I get you someplace warm and private.”
I huff as he turns on his heels, striding towards his truck without so much as one backward glance. Quickening my steps, I hurry after him. He holds the passenger door open for me, waiting patiently as I catch up to him. I can’t help but glare at him as my body brushes against his and mumble a dark “arrogant asshole” under my breath.
He chuckles, a cloud of breath puffing out into the winter air. His eyes meet mine, a hint of mirth dancing in his pupils. “Glad to see you haven’t lost the attitude,” he murmurs, his eyes lingering on my lips. He leans into the truck, his wintergreen body wash crowding me as his thumb glides along my bottom lip. “I bet my brother never had the first clue how to handle you, did he?”
I suck in a breath, heat warming my blood as I nip at his thumb. He groans.
Bad idea, Maddie.
“Behave,” he murmurs with an admonishing look, but I don’t miss the desire lighting up his eyes. Or the exhaustion lining his face. It cools some of my lust, making my heart feel heavy. It reminds me that this separation hasn’t been any easier on him than it’s been on me. Grabbing my seatbelt, he leans across my body and buckles me in. His shoulders graze along the front of my chest, and this time, I shiver for a different reason.
After making sure my door is firmly shut, he walks around to the driver’s side and climbs in. The truck turns on, heat immediately blasting from the vents. I glance over at Jax, feeling a little nervous to be in an enclosed space with him. We don’t have a great track record of keeping our hands to ourselves. But if he’s worried about it, he doesn’t give it away. Instead, he studies me with a frown.
“Jesus, Maddie, how long were you outside? Your nose is red.” Leaning forward, he turns the full blast of heat directly on me. It feels like heaven, the warmth making me want to moan. But I won’t admit to that.
I shrug instead. “I’m fine.”
He grunts, clearly not believing me. His forearms flex as he turns the wheel, the truck pulling out of the parking lot and onto the highway. It occurs to me then that he’s always taken care of me. Silently, without question, and without expectations. I’m filled with an unexpected rush of gratitude and affection…and love. A slight pressure settles behind my eyes, but I blink it away.
We drive in silence for nearly twenty minutes. Although we occasionally give one another sneaky side-eye glances, the silence is comfortable. My body relaxes in the seat as the cold gradually seeps out of me, replaced with a cozy warmth. Oddly enough, I don’t feel the need to ask him where we’re going. I trust him without question. The highway turns into a curvy, back road and I realize we are climbing up.
Just as we near the road that will take us into Cedarwood Mountains, he pulls over into an overlook. The truck pulls into a parking spot, but he doesn’t turn off the engine. I peer at the magnificent view in front of me, the mountaintops looming overhead, the trees bare of leaves this time of year but no less beautiful. Sitting here, having to crane my neck to peer up at the peaks, it makes my problems feel insignificant.
Next to me, I hear Jax’s weary sigh. When I peer over at him, he’s leaning back in his seat with his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. I wait as he gathers his thoughts, marveling at this rare show of vulnerability. When he opens his eyes, it looks like he’s lost in his head—perhaps lost in long-buried memories. A bit of sadness dances across his face, reminding me of everything that’s happened between us. Placing my hand over his, I give it a gentle squeeze. His eyes flit back up to mine with a rueful smile, and he clears his throat.
“I didn’t even know you, but my heart nearly stopped when I saw your broken body trapped in the backseat.” The sentence comes out in a strangled, hoarse whisper and he makes a pained noise. For a moment, his eyes look wild and it makes my pulse pound. The fingers of his free hand are white-knuckled over the steering wheel. “If I loved you then the way I do now? It would have fucking destroyed me.”
All the noise, all the questions in my brain screech to a standstill. A quiet, hushed gasp slips from my throat. I blink, my mind latching on to one very important word: love .
“I had picked up an extra shift because the snowstorm was coming in earlier than expected, and the captain wanted all hands on deck.” He shakes his head. “I wasn’t even supposed to be there that day, and I almost turned down the request. Luke was in his senior year of high school, and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him before he went off to college. But I didn’t want to leave them hanging if things got busy.”
His eyes slide over to me, and I can’t make heads or tails of his expression. “Isn’t that ironic? Sometimes I wonder if there really is a greater being out there, nudging us in the right direction. Making sure that people cross paths at just the right time. Maybe it’s stupid, but some part of me likes to think you needed me that day. That any of the men in my department could have pulled you out of that car, but you needed it to be me .”
His words make my head spin and my heart race in a way that is both exhilarating and terrifying. I wish I could climb onto his lap and bury my face in his neck. He continues speaking, and I find myself desperate to catch every single word.
“As awful as it sounds, when you’ve been a first responder for a while, a lot of calls begin to blend together. But there are always the few that stick out to you, maybe even change the way you think.” His smile looks forced. “You were that for me, Maddie. The things I saw that day, I haven’t forgotten a single second of it.” His hand rests on my knee, his thumb rubbing circles over my pants.
“I wish I could say it was love at first sight, but honestly, you were just this young woman I thought about from time to time. I would often stop in the middle of my day and wonder how you were doing, if you were recovering. A few times I thought about tracking you down, just to check in on you.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, wanting to speak. To say something. But I can’t. He gives me an understanding smile, his hand squeezing my knee.
“A year passed, and over time, I thought less and less of that day. But that night in the bar—for some reason you had been on my mind that morning.” The hand on my knee moves to my neck, his rough palm resting on the back of it while his thumb brushes over my pulse point. It makes my heart stutter and my breathing come a little faster.
“Some drunk woman was hanging all over me, trying to get my interest. I wanted nothing to do with her, but I didn’t want to be rude. I was trying to think of a way to get her to leave. All of a sudden, there you were, looking like an avenging goddess.” His quiet laughter makes me smile. “You should have seen the look in your eye when you walked up to us. Baby, you were spitting fire on my behalf.” His face splits into a grin while a flush steals over mine.
“I was ready to hand my heart to you on a silver platter, no questions asked. You almost brought me to my fucking knees right then and there.”
I suck in a deep breath, my hand reaching up to capture his wrist. Body leaning towards his, I scoot across my seat until our thighs press together. I breathe in his familiar scent, letting it comfort me while he continues his story.
“It was shocking to see you again, but I realized pretty quickly you had no clue who I was. And you seemed happy. I didn’t want that to change. I didn’t want to ruin your night out, and I wanted to get to know you.” He tucks a stray piece of hair behind my ear, his breath fanning over my cheeks. “So, I didn’t say anything.”
“I thought you were just a handsome stranger,” I whisper.
His lips quirk. “You thought I was handsome?”
I roll my eyes. His forehead rests against mine, and I stare into the intensity of those beautiful, green irises.
“I thought you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen,” he says. He shakes his head, leaning away and taking his warmth with him. I resist the urge to pull him back to me. “I knew you were younger than me, but until that cop told you to go home to your aunt, I never even thought to ask for your age.”
“I didn’t care that you were older,” I admit.
He gives me an exasperated smile. “I know,” he begins, blowing out a long breath. “But I did, Maddie. I didn’t want to be a conquest to you or a one-night stand or…whatever. I wanted you. But I didn’t want to hold you back or make you endure everyone’s judgment. At the time, I thought walking away from you was the right thing. But I also…didn’t want you to regret me.”
“I could never regret you.”
It’s an echo of the statement he purred into my ear, but his self-deprecating smile tells me he doesn’t believe me, and it makes me want to shake him. If he saw himself the way I saw him, he wouldn’t doubt his self-worth. But I let it go for now.
“After that night, I tried to forget about you. I really did. But you are not the kind of woman that can be forgotten, Maddie. I could live to be so old I forget my own name, and even then, I would still be thinking about you.” He reaches forward, his fingers sliding an errant strand of hair behind my ear. The pressure returns behind my eyes, and I blink it away again.
“I thought about you. too.”
At this, he looks surprised. A sort of cautious hope fills his eyes. “Yeah?”
“For a very long time. I wondered how you were doing and if you thought of me.” I shrug, giving him a sheepish smile. “I also thought it was crazy that I couldn’t just…forget.” I don’t add on that when I met Luke through a friend of a friend at a party on campus, he initially piqued my interest because something about him reminded me of Jax.
I laugh quietly. “I was so shocked when Luke introduced us.”
He shakes his head, his own quiet laughter filling the space between us, before growing silent and pensive again. “I sorta stalked your social media for a while.”
“You did?”
He gives me an affirmative hum. Then he shifts in his seat, his eyes darting away. His fingers drum on the steering wheel, and he looks…nervous? “I was waiting for you.” The words are mumbled so quietly I have to strain my ears to catch them all.
My heart thumps. “What?”
“I was going to find you again. After you turned twenty.”
The words settle between us as I gawk at him, the weight of them making the air thick. “I—you were?” I stammer, my mouth feeling dry. My heart squeezes as I think back to that day, calculating… “I was only a few months away from my birthday when I started dating Luke.” I remember because he took me out to a really nice restaurant and they brought out a chocolate cupcake covered in fluffy, pink frosting with candles.
“I thought maybe the age difference wouldn’t matter so much if you were twenty and…” He shrugs. A long, uncomfortable moment of silence stretches between us as I digest what this means.
“And then it didn’t matter because I was with Luke,” I finish weakly. His eyes are downcast when he nods, and my heart twists.
Fuck.
He laughs, although it’s bitter and completely devoid of any real humor. “And you want to know the funny thing about it?” I’m still reeling from this new influx of information, too shocked to answer him. But I don’t need to. “If it had been anybody else, it wouldn’t have mattered. Not to me. That’s how I know I’m a shitty person, because if it had been anybody else besides my own damn brother, I would have still pursued you.”
He gnaws on his bottom lip, silently studying me. His voice is raw and unfiltered when he speaks again. “You could have been married, and I still would have asked you to give me a chance. That’s how gone I was for you. But my brother?” He closes his eyes, his head thumping against the headrest. His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows.
“Without even knowing it, you managed to find the one, singular person on this Earth I wouldn’t fuck over just to have you.” He gives a harsh, bitter laugh. “While you were busy falling in love with my brother, I was falling in love with you .”
My hand comes up to rest over my pounding heart. “I thought after the way things ended that you weren’t even interested in me anymore. You were always so distant, I convinced myself it didn’t mean anything.”
I could have had him this entire time if I hadn’t crossed paths with his brother first. How cruel is that?
He makes a pained grunt. “I’m sorry I ever made you feel that way.” He releases a shaky sigh before gently cradling my cheek in his palm. “I know now that I was an asshole, but for a long time, I thought if I just ignored you long enough, my feelings would go away. I tried to stop noticing you. For years, I tried. And I never failed so fucking miserably at anything as I did at trying to forget you.” He blinks then, his lips trembling as his eyes shimmer with unshed tears. “I have never not wanted you.”
An overwhelming, gut-wrenching guilt settles on my shoulders and I feel myself begin to shrink. This is all my fault.
“I’m so sorry.” My voice breaks, my breath catching on a sob as a trail of wet tears cascades down my cheeks. His eyes widen, and he curses under his breath. Warmth spreads down my chest, and I try to look away, but I’m stopped when his other hand reaches up. He holds my face in place, bringing his forehead to mine.
“No,” he says. His nostrils flare as he speaks, his tone firm and vehement. “No, I didn’t say any of that because I think it’s your fault. Don’t you dare blame yourself. I’m the one who walked away. Regardless of my motivations, it was me. If anybody is taking the blame for how things turned out, it’s me. Do you understand me?”
I sniffle. “If you won’t let me feel bad about it, then you can’t either. You were trying to do the right thing, and…” I hiccup. “It’s not your fault.” The tears don’t stop though.
Suddenly, Jax’s hands are grabbing my hips and dragging me towards him to straddle his waist. I latch onto his shoulders, yelping as he settles me where he wants me.
“This is probably a bad idea—” I begin.
His firm hands only pull me back down when I try to wiggle off.
“Hush, and let me hold you while you cry,” he murmurs.
Then his face is buried in the crook of my neck, his hands wrapping around my lower back. I relax in his embrace, savoring that feeling of camaraderie and safety I always get in his arms. It feels like a silent I got you. He takes several deep inhales, muttering something about missing my scent. His body shudders once.
As I tighten my arms around him, it becomes too much. The missing him. Not being able to talk to him, touch him, or even know how he’s doing. My heart feels like it’s about to break all over again, knowing that this doesn’t change anything.
It’s not going to make Luke okay with this, and I can’t ask him to pick me over his own brother.
“I miss you.” I blurt the words without thinking, but I don’t regret them. Jax has always accepted every vulnerable part of me. When he pulls back, his smile is a soft, almost timid stretch of his lips that make him look younger than his thirty-four years. He takes in a steadying breath, and when his fingers thread through the hair at the back of my head, I think I feel a slight tremble.
“Being away from you has been…torture.” His raspy, guttural words have fresh tears sliding down my face, but his thumbs are there to brush them away. “I can’t even put into words how fucking sorry I am that I didn’t fight harder for you that day.”
“Shh, it’s okay, Jax. I understand, and I don’t hold a grudge against you for it.”
“But you’re worth fighting for, baby. Sitting in that house without your smiles, your laughter…fuck, it felt empty.” He grabs my hand, guiding my palm over his heart. “But if you can forgive me for being an ignorant, cowardly asshole then this belongs to you.”
My heart flutters in my chest, every beat feeling lighter with the hope coursing through me. “But what about Luke?”
He gives me a rueful smile. “I think I may have convinced him to come around…with a little persuasion.” His smile falters. “I know I probably don’t deserve another chance, but I’ll do or be whatever you need for me to earn one.”
I stare at him, at this considerate man who puts everybody’s needs above his own. And he thinks there is a chance I wouldn’t want him?
“You want someone to hold you at night?” He thumps his palm against his chest. “You get a flat on the side of the road? I’m right there, baby.” I give him a watery smile. “You need a pair of strong arms to come home to after a rough day?” His arms squeeze around me, his muscles flexing. “Mine are more than capable. Just let me back in, please.”
This man.
“I love you too, Jax, but you don’t have to grovel for another chance. You are the only person who has ever seen me, and I think I’ve wanted you for far longer than I should have. Longer than I’ve wanted to admit to myself. And I don’t want to be apart from you anymore.”
My mind is still reeling, filled with questions. I’m not sure how he could have possibly convinced Luke to come around, and I don’t care enough to ask right now.
I lean in toward him, my lips brushing over his. He gasps against my mouth, something between a growl and a half-broken, ragged sob rumbling from his chest. Then his lips are crashing over mine. Our teeth clash together as we devour each other, his lips dominating mine. My hands glide down his chest, while his slip under my shirt. The warmth of his skin on mine makes me moan. He pulls away, nipping at my bottom lip before he goes.
“Thank fuck,” he pants. “You won’t regret this. I’ll make sure you’re always happy—”
I cut him off with my lips, my tongue flicking against the seam of his mouth. Our tongues clash, and I moan. His hands push my hips down until my pussy is grinding over the bulge in his jeans. I break apart from our kiss.
“I missed this big cock pressed up against me.” I mutter the filthy words into his ear, my teeth tugging on the lobe.
He groans, bucking his hips against me. “The last time I had you here, we were interrupted.”
“Hmm.” I smirk. “I remember.”
“Let’s pick up where we left off. Grind that pretty pussy until you’re coming, baby.” His words send a bolt of heat through me, my breaths stuttering as my panties grow slick. I do exactly as he says. With his hands on my hips helping me gyrate, I grind over his hard shaft until my pussy clenches with a toe-curling orgasm.
Then we’re speeding back to his house, his impatient little moans making me hot again as I reach over and tease the erection through the denim of his jeans. We’re barely inside the door before our clothes come flying off, our first round of sex so rough it’s feral. I’m scratching down his back, nearly screaming in his ear as he tells me I’m his and my pussy will never come for anyone but him. Before I have time to come down from my high, his cock is already hard again as he slowly pumps in and out of me. He cradles me like I’m precious, whispering sweet words of affection until I’m crying again.
A few hours later, I wake him up when I climb on top of him to straddle his hips. He gives me a sleepy, shit-eating grin and I grin right back as I begin riding him. We don’t need words for me to know what he’s thinking.
Yes, I am insatiable for this man.
And now he’s all mine.