Chapter 34
34
KYLIE
I ’ve been a nervous wreck this morning. I know I’m going to see him at the game. The number of times I’ve changed outfits is just embarrassing. For how many times I cursed his name last night, I’m not acting like a woman who is completely indifferent to his actions.
That was what I managed to convince myself of yesterday. That from here on out, I was not going to be bothered by anything the man said or did. Joke’s on me because that doesn’t work if you are still hopelessly in love with the person.
I don’t manage to eat any breakfast while Ben scarfs down the eggs, toast, and fruit.
We walk into the gym of his school. Everything else fades away as I watch Ben run over to his team. I take a seat on the top row of the bleachers and watch him. He’s a totally different person. The confidence he has now is incredible. My heart cracks in half as I see him talk to the guys. He doesn’t seem as enthusiastic or confident when he talks, but he’s making that effort. That alone is such a gift. I just hope if our parents are looking down on us, they don’t hate me for failing Ben so many times over the years.
I should have found a way to make therapy work in our budget. It’s possible he could have avoided years of misery if I’d just found a way sooner.
Out of nowhere, my entire body breaks out into goosebumps. I divert my eyes to the door of the gymnasium, where Lincoln stands as he looks around the court. It’s frightening how in tune my body is to his presence. How can I react before I even know he’s here?
I watch him as he spots Ben, who’s by the team bench. He walks across the court with ease, like he belongs here more than I do. The moment Ben spots him, his entire face lights up brighter than it does on Christmas morning. They do some kind of handshake, like it’s something they do every time they see each other.
He tousles Ben’s hair with a smile on his face, then walks away, finding a seat in the first row of the bleachers. My heart is beating out of my chest as my eyes remain focused on his back.
He is the reason Ben is different. He is the male role model that my brother has so desperately needed and found. For that alone, I could never hate him.
Once the game starts, I’m on the edge of my seat the entire time. I can’t hold back the joy I feel as I watch my brother come alive. He may still have some work to do with his confidence when he talks, but he comes alive, playing basketball. He’s completely homed in on the game. It’s incredible to watch. My chest fills with pride that he has found something that he is clearly so good at.
I may not know much about what is happening, but I do know he’s one of the best out there. That much is clear.
When the game is over, Ben’s team coming out on top, I walk down the bleachers to the side of the court. He’s talking with his friends and laughing. When he spots me, he smiles and runs over to me.
“What did you think?” he asks enthusiastically.
“You were amazing! Where did you learn to play like that?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. I’m not that good.”
His eyes look over my shoulder, and he waves a hand, motioning someone over. I know who it is, and I stand frozen in place as I wait.
Is he going to join us or refuse to come near me, like the elevator incident yesterday?
“Hi, Lincoln,” Ben says confidently.
I guess he has decided to call him by his first name. I see him approach out of the corner of my eye, but I can’t look over at him.
“Nice job, buddy. You’re a natural.” He holds up his hand, and Ben high-fives him.
“You think so?” Ben asks.
“Absolutely. You have a presence on the court that can’t be taught.”
Ben looks back at me. “You hear that?”
“Sounds about right to me. You looked great out there. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks! Um, Brett’s mom is taking him to get some ice cream. He invited me to go with him. Is that okay?”
“Sure. You have your phone, right?”
He rolls his eyes. “Yes, I have my phone. Yes, I’ll text you with updates.”
“You’d better.”
“I promise,” he grumbles.
“Okay. Fine, you can go.”
“Yes!” he says. “Thanks for coming, Lincoln. I’ll see you on Thursday?”
“Of course. See you then,” Lincoln replies coolly.
Ben runs over to his friend, leaving me and Lincoln alone together. Tension swirls around us as we both stand in silence.
That’s it. I’ve had it with this.
I shift my body to face him. “Can we talk?”
He looks down at his watch. “Now? I have … something to get to.”
“Lincoln,” I say as I hold his eyes pleadingly, “can we talk?”
His expression is tight. “Fine. We can talk. Where do you want to go?”
“We can just walk around the park across the street.”
The entire time we make our way to the park, we remain silent with our hands in our jacket pockets. The October weather is starting to make it hard to be outside for long periods of time.
As soon as we find the walking path, we start a slow-paced stroll, side by side. I try to think of what I want to say. I should have thought about how to start this. Now I’m scrambling.
“How are you doing?” I lead with, hoping that’s a good starting point.
A bitter laugh escapes him. “That’s what you want to talk about?”
I give him a hostile glare, seething with anger. “Do you have to be such a dick?” I ask with contempt.
“Me? How am I the dick in all of this? You’re the one who accused me of cheating, then continued to tell me all the reasons why I was a piece-of-shit human being. Don’t try to turn the tables.”
I stop in my place as I try to lift my jaw off of the floor. “You know what? Fine! Yes, I made a mistake. Okay?”
He turns to face me with a clenched jaw, but I’m not done. I need to get this out.
“In a moment of insecurity, I jumped to conclusions that were inaccurate and unfair … and I’m sorry for that. But did you ever stop to consider why I was so insecure about us?”
His dark eyes reveal his disbelief. “What did I do to make you feel insecure? You’re making this my fault?”
“No,” I gasp as my head falls back. “Ugh, I’m not trying to make it anybody’s fault. I’m just trying to explain. Maybe I was insecure because I had given my virginity to this man I was falling for, who I thought was feeling the same as me, but instead, he started to go off on me and act distant. He was withholding himself from me and pushing me away, letting me know how much he actually trusted me with who he really was.”
A shadow of alarm touches his face as he regards me. I watch the conflicting emotions that play in his eyes like a movie reel as he stands in silence before me.
He looks down at the ground. “You think I’ve been ignoring my feelings? Like it’s that simple?”
I throw my arms up in the air. “What else am I supposed to think? You haven’t exactly given me any reason to think anything else.”
“That’s bullshit,” he insists with returning impatience.
“No, it’s not! It’s fair. You were holding back on me. You know you were. Why?” I demand.
“It’s none of your business!” He raises his voice.
“No, that’s bullshit.” I point my finger in his face. “What the hell are you so afraid of? Why won’t you let me in?”
“Fine!” he says as he takes a step closer. “You want the truth? Here it is. Growing up, I was emotionally and verbally abused by my parents.”
The shock hits me full force, almost knocking me off of my feet.
“That’s right,” he continues. “The big secret is out. My parents treated me like shit because of my stutter. They would make me hide out in my room and refuse to let me go on family outings because they were embarrassed. They would bring me to my therapist and tell them I was broken. That I was humiliating them and that I was never going to amount to anything unless they fixed me.”
Regret is a bitter pill. One that is being forced down my throat at the moment. Still, I stand in front of him, unable to find words.
“I would listen to my brother and sister enjoy the company we had over downstairs while I played by myself in my room. When I got to high school, I had finally kicked the stutter. From then on, I vowed to never put myself in a position to let someone hurt me like that.”
I see the first flicker of a tear in his eye, and tears begin to form in my eyes.
He hangs his head down in defeat. “I know I treated you like shit that week of my brother’s engagement. When I get around my family, it all comes flooding back. You kept asking questions. I panicked.” He looks up at me with watery eyes. “I never wanted you to see the weakness in me that I had worked so hard to hide.”
“Lincoln,” I cry as I step closer to him.
Now we’re only inches apart. There’s a hint of wonder in his eyes as I stroke his cheek with my fingers. He closes his eyes as I watch his chest rise and fall.
When he opens his eyes again, there’s something else there. Acceptance. Calmness. “There’s another thing you have wrong.”
My head falls to the side. “What is that?”
“You weren’t the only one who fell in love.”
A knot rises in my throat. My hand falls to my side. I don’t move a muscle, as if one wrong move could destroy the moment. I should say something. For the first time in my life, words fail me.
Instead of worrying about words, I do what feels natural. I lift up to my tiptoes and place both hands on his cheeks, then lean in and press our lips together. He remains still for a moment, making me worry that I overstepped.
What if he’s not feeling what I thought he was?
Maybe I read the entire situation wrong. Before I can pull back, his arms wrap around my body. One hand finds my lower back, and the other goes to the back of my head as he deepens the kiss. My entire body falls against his as I melt in his arms.
I kiss him back with everything that I have in me, wrapping my arms around his neck to get closer. It isn’t sweet. It isn’t gentle. It is fire and fury. We move our lips against each other’s, and his tongue sends shivers down my spine.
When he pulls away from me, he rests his forehead against mine, our chests rising and falling quickly. It feels like I just ran a marathon with how intensely my heart is beating inside of me.
I move my head back so I can see his face.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe out softly. “I’m so sorry. Everything I said to you—I didn’t mean any of it. It was wrong of me to accuse you like that. To say those things about you.”
“I guess I gave you no reason to believe I was serious about us. It’s true; I do have a reputation for never committing. But not for the reason that most people think.”
“Look, I know this is all a lot to take in. I need you to think carefully about whether or not you can open up to me. It can’t just be today. You have to be all in, ready to have a real relationship, where we both talk about our thoughts and feelings.”
He holds my gaze, his eyes searching mine with a mix of hesitation and vulnerability. Then he nods his head in understanding as he tucks his hands into his pockets. “I understand. You have no real reason to trust that I mean it this time. If you prefer, I will take some time to contemplate what I’m capable of.”
“That’s what I want,” I reply. “It’s what I need.”
We stand in silence for a beat, and then he leans forward and kisses my forehead. “I’ll be in touch, Kylie.”
With that, he turns around and walks away. I instantly feel cold and lonely. I want to shout that I take it back. That I’ll take whatever he can give me, but I know that’s not true. I do need him to be sure that he is ready to have a real relationship. It has to go beyond him wanting to be ready.
I have to put myself and Ben first now. I can’t do this again and jeopardize Lincoln pushing me out of my job for good. This has to be two adults making a decision with willingness and clarity.