Chapter 33
33
KYLIE
C onfused —that is the word that best describes the state of being I am in right now. I’ve ruminated about my run-in with Lincoln yesterday all evening and all this morning.
I can hardly process the information. How did I never catch on to this? I was the one scheduling his events for months. Yesterday marked the sixth time Ben and Lincoln met since Gretchen went on maternity leave. That’s six Thursdays that Lincoln left work just after five without me questioning it.
The only thing I can make of it is that I was so focused on hauling my own ass to the same location that I was just relieved he wasn’t making me work late.
Beyond the logistics of it all, why is he a speech therapist? How is he a speech therapist? It doesn’t make any sense. He’s one of the wealthiest men in the city. He literally has no reason to do something so … commendable.
After we left, Ben had a million questions for me. Questions I couldn’t answer.
“Why does Lincoln go by his middle name?”
“Why is your boss my speech therapist?”
“If you’re Lincoln’s assistant, why didn’t you know he also was a speech therapist?”
“Why are you not his assistant anymore?”
“Why did he seem so upset to see you?”
I couldn’t handle one more question from him. I ended up stopping to get us ice cream before dinner just to divert his brain. The distraction lasted all of five minutes, and then he was back with the questions.
I finally told him we were going to stop talking about Lincoln. He’s suspicious of me now. Clearly, the days of things going over the kid’s head are gone. He’s smart. He’s older now. He knows there’s more to this story that I am not letting him in on.
“Hey, Kylie.” Roy waltzes out of his office. “I have that meeting with Lincoln in about ten minutes. Can you get some coffee and water in there for us?”
“Sure,” I reply quickly.
“Thanks, Kylie.”
He disappears back into his office while butterflies appear in my belly. I’m like a teenager who was just told she might see her crush. That’s how this feels. Anytime his name is mentioned, anytime I’m CC’d on an email and I see his name, my body reacts like this.
I don’t understand what it’s going to take for me to just move on from it all.
Just when Paris’s and Morgan’s words settled in, making me feel angry with him for not treating me respectfully, he goes and does something like this. Something so genuinely kind and giving. I feel like a pinball in a machine, being constantly thrown from one contraption to the next.
Each knock is a jolt to my nervous system. The lack of sleep now is not helping. It’s making it harder for me to see things clearly and decipher what I truly feel and want.
Do I want to apologize to him and try to work through this? Do I want to push him further to find out what he is hiding? Do I want to make him realize that he is not doing himself any favors by ignoring his past and refusing to let anybody in?
Because that’s what I assume is happening. He has avoided relationships because he is trying to protect something. At the end of the day, I can just let him live in his own misery and do my best to work on myself, moving forward.
That is probably what I should do. It’s what would give me the best chance of keeping this job.
Before I get lost down another rabbit hole of thoughts, I go make a fresh pot of his favorite coffee and pour it into the coffee carafe. When I walk into the conference room, nobody is in there yet. I’m torn between feeling relieved and disappointed.
I want to see him, but I know I shouldn’t want to see him.
After placing the coffee carafe, fresh water, and clean mugs down on the table, I make my way back to my desk.
What I need to do is focus. I’ve learned that when you are ruminating, the fastest way to get over it is to keep bringing your attention back to the present moment. I need to do that. Whether I focus on my breathing or the task at hand, I have got to stop this cycle of repetitive thoughts before they take me under.
I manage to do that for the rest of the day. I’m exhausted from the effort it took to keep ignoring what my brain so desperately wanted to focus on. I’m so happy it’s Friday. I’m going to go home, rip off my bra, put on pajamas, and plop myself down in front of the television for the rest of the evening.
I told Ben he had to stay in tonight. He needs good sleep for his early game in the morning.
As fate would have it, just as I’m getting on the elevator, Lincoln appears. He stands at the threshold of the elevator, looking at me with a blank stare, regarding me with impassive coldness.
I stand in place as I wait for him to take a step to join me, but he backs away and turns around, leaving me shocked and alone.
Tears pool in my eyes as I look through my blurry vision and hit the button for the lobby. He won’t even ride on an elevator with me. I hate that I let myself fall in love with him. I gave my innocence and trust to someone who clearly has no ability to confront anything he deems uncomfortable.
The anger that begins to take residence in the pit of my stomach is far less painful than the feelings of guilt and regret. Instead of bringing myself to the present moment and not focusing on my anger, I grab onto it and hold on to it for dear life.
If this is what it takes to feel a moment of peace from the pain I have felt since I lost him, I will gladly put out the welcome mat for it.