Chapter 32
32
LINCOLN
“ I t was so awesome,” he says as he tells me all about his basketball practice. “Then Brett passed the ball to me, and I took the shot. It was nothing but net.”
I smile the first real smile I’ve had in days. This is my favorite time. I love when the agency calls me up and tells me they need my help to fill in for a speech therapist.
I double-majored in school—business and English. After that, I took night classes and got my graduate degree in speech language pathology.
Helping kids with speech issues has been a passion project of mine. I knew I wanted to do something to help kids who were like me. Kids who struggled with a stutter or any type of roadblocks with speech. For me, it’s not about money. I have enough of that. I’m a volunteer.
This is about making sure there are kids out there who know they are not alone. I want them to know there is nothing wrong with them. Something my parents should have done.
“That’s great, Ben. There’s no greater feeling than a clean shot like that. And you managed to say it all calmly and clearly. How do you feel about that?”
He wiggles in his seat, always finding it hard to sit still for too long. I glance down at my watch and see we only have a couple of minutes.
“It’s changed my life. Did I tell you that I didn’t have any friends before this?” he asks.
That information makes my insides coil with displeasure. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It’s okay. Part of it was me. I was afraid to talk to anyone. But once I started at the new school and met new people, it got easier. But it all really got better when I started here.”
“Well, that’s why we are here. Do you ever find your stutter coming back in certain situations?” I ask.
His head falls. “Yeah. When there are too many people in a group listening to me, I get nervous, and it starts to happen again.”
“That’s normal. The progress you’ve made so far is already impressive. It will take practice for you to get more comfortable talking in front of larger crowds. Eventually, you will find what tools work for you. In the meantime, don’t let it get you down. It’s not a sign that this is forever. It’s all part of the process.”
“Okay. Do I still need to do those exercises in the mirror?”
I chuckle. “Yes, you need to keep practicing. It’s not forever. All right, buddy, it looks like our time is up. Keep up the good work. I’ll see you at your game this Saturday.”
“You’re really coming?” he asks as we both stand.
“Of course. I love basketball. Wouldn’t want to miss your first game.”
He beams at me with pride, and then his face falls. “Can you do me a favor?”
“Sure. What do you need?”
“My sister said she wasn’t comfortable with you coming to my game unless she got a chance to meet you. She’s being weird about it. Can you come out and meet her real fast?”
Laughter vibrates in my chest. “I can see where she is coming from. Sounds like a good sister you’ve got there.”
I don’t ever leave the office. My identity is something I try to keep under wraps while I do this kind of work. It’s nobody’s business, and I don’t want the tabloids picking up on it. They don’t need to harass these kids, and I don’t want to put them in any kind of uncomfortable situation.
There’s also the fact that I don’t want anyone asking why I do this. That’s personal and not something that’s on the table to discuss.
“I guess I have a couple of minutes before my next client. I’ll walk out with you.”
We walk toward the door, and I open it, letting him lead the way out to the waiting area. I pull out my phone and check my emails as I hear him talking to who I assume is his sister.
“Scott,” Ben’s voice says as he gets closer, “this is my sister, Kylie.”
I look up from my phone when I hear the name. There she is. Standing in her work clothes, like me, just coming from the office. Her eyes open wide with astonishment. Her mouth is slack as she just stares at me, frozen in place.
A cold, hard jolt of shock runs through me. This is Ben’s sister. This is the Ben she’s been talking about for months. I can’t even process the information. Beyond the shock comes something much worse—fear.
Not the kind I am used to, the kind I can control—calculated risks, business gambles, high-stakes negotiations. No, this is different. This is personal .
If she finds out—if she learns about my struggles—it won’t just be another piece of information. It will be a crack in the armor I’ve spent years perfecting. A glimpse into the parts of me I’ve kept buried. Once she sees, once she understands … there would be no taking it back.
“Kylie,” I say through the fear and extend my hand, “nice to meet you.”
She looks down at her brother, then back up at me. “What are you doing here?”
Ben’s face scrunches. “Do you know him?”
“Oh, um”—she hesitates—“yeah. He is actually, um, my boss.”
Ben’s face lights up. “My sister works for you. Cool!”
Despite how much I hate this, I smile at him. “Yes, she does.”
“I’m confused.” She waves her hands in the air. “I thought your name was Scott.”
I sigh. “That’s my middle name. I use it for anonymity.”
“Oh, I see.” She falls silent for a moment.
Ben looks between us warily. “Welllll, is it okay if he comes to my basketball game on Saturday?”
“Sure,” she says delicately. “If that’s what you want.”
Her attention comes back to me. “Lincoln, I just … I don’t know what to say.”
I tuck my hands into my pockets. I can’t have this conversation with her out here, in front of her brother and out in the open, where anybody can hear.
“What are you doing here? How are you a therapist?” she asks, lowering her voice. “You never mentioned this to me in all the times I set up your schedule.”
The blood begins to pound in my temples. I feel unwelcome redness creep up on my cheeks. It reminds me of how I used to feel when my parents would tell me to go to my room if they were having guests over or told me to hang back from going on a family outing where others would be.
Embarrassment is not something I’m used to. Once I kicked my stutter, I inserted myself into situations where I knew I would have the upper hand. Where I knew I’d control the room and nobody was going to make me feel like this.
“Look, Kylie, I can’t do this here. Now. It’s not an appropriate place. Thank you for giving me permission to come to Ben’s game on Saturday. I look forward to being there.” I look down at Ben, who has turned noticeably wary of our exchange. “Good luck on Saturday. I’ll be there, rooting for you.”
Ben smiles softly, his usually bright demeanor gone. “Thanks, Sc-Sc-Scott. Uhhh … do … do I still call you Scott?”
My shoulders fall when I see how much our energy is affecting him. His stutter makes it obvious that he’s not comfortable. It makes me feel like a total dick.
I rest my hand on his shoulder. “We’ll talk about that together next Thursday. I don’t want you worrying about that or any of this. Okay? None of this has any effect on the fact that I’m your therapist and I’m here for you, no matter what.”
“Okay,” he replies quietly.
“Bye, Kylie,” I say quickly.
“Bye, Lincoln,” she says with an edge to her voice.
I walk back to the office, where I pace back and forth with nervous energy. This is bringing up so many conflicting feelings that I don’t have the time to acknowledge. Not now, when I’m supposed to be prepping my notes for my next client.
I pull out my next client’s file. I know what I need to be doing, but my brain refuses to focus on anything but what just happened. Ben knows about the stutter I used to have. He’s probably telling Kylie about it at this very moment. My secret that I’ve worked so hard to bury and forget is coming to light, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
Not only that, but Kylie also likes asking questions. She’s a strong, independent woman who is not going to shy away from asking me about my past.
My entire world feels like it’s crashing and burning. I do what I remember from all my years of therapy when I start to feel overwhelmed. I take deep breaths, making sure my stomach is expanding and contracting. I can’t believe I have to do this. I haven’t needed to use techniques in over a decade.
I’m beginning to wonder if the reputation that I’ve worked so hard to create is about to be exposed to the world as a bunch of bullshit.