Chapter 21 Harper
HARPER
My hands shake as I set my empty water glass in the dish rack. Whatever you need to do, he had said.
The trouble is, I have no idea what that might be.
What could I possibly do to still the raging thoughts in my head, to calm the rapid racing of my heart?
I feel out of sorts, mixed up inside in a way I can’t put into words.
I thought I’d be able to hide that from Nate the way I do with just about everybody else, but apparently, I misjudged him.
Somehow Jonathan Chase manages to see me, all of me, even the parts I want to keep hidden.
I walk slowly to the bathroom, splashing water over my face as he suggested.
As I reach for a towel, I study my reflection in the mirror.
Dripping with water, skin more pale than usual.
Eyes wide and dark in my face. What is he planning on doing in my bedroom?
He rejected my idea to go to the club—does that mean we’re not having sex tonight?
But the commanding tone in his voice promised the domination I’m used to from him.
My pulse increases even more at the thought—Nate dominating me might be exactly what I need to clear my head.
Not that it helped for too long this afternoon, I think, drying my face. I give myself one more glance in the mirror, trying to shake off my nerves, and head to my bedroom.
Nate is sitting on my bed, waiting. He’s removed his tie and unbuttoned the top button of his pristine white dress shirt.
As I watch, his fingers move to the cuffs of his sleeves, unbuttoning each before rolling up the fabric, showing off the taut skin and dark hair of his corded forearms. Something about the movement has my heart thudding with aching desire.
He’s so intentional, so precise in his action.
So in control of every single thing he does.
I can’t help my brain from spinning through images of what he wants to do to me that would require those sleeves to be rolled up.
“Your mouth is open,” he observes, and I realize that he’s right. I’m completely gaping at him, and I’m sure my attraction for this man must be clear on my face. I snap my mouth closed, not missing the slight tugging at the corner of his lips. He’s smirking at me. “Come here.”
Something has me hesitating in the doorway. “Are you going to spank me?” I blurt out. I’m not sure if I’m excited by the prospect or frightened. Why does my head have to be so mixed up today?
Nate raises an eyebrow, watching me. “Not yet,” he finally says, and my heart sinks even as I feel a rush of relief.
I’m officially going crazy.
“You’re going to tell me what’s bothering you.”
My whole body stills. “Nothing is—”
Dark anger flashes in his eyes, his jaw tensing. “We don’t lie to each other. Not ever.”
I have no idea what the hell has gotten into me, but I find myself crossing my arms, glaring at him. “Or what? You just said you aren’t going to spank me.”
His eyes narrow at me. “Don’t fucking test me, Harper.”
“So you’re going to spank me to get me to talk then? Is that the plan?”
“No.” His voice is maddeningly calm. I feel like screaming and he’s just sitting there watching me, completely at ease.
“You’re going to tell me. Not because you’re scared of me.
Not because you feel threatened. You’re going to talk to me of your own free will, because this kind of relationship will never work unless we’re honest.”
Something seems to light on fire inside of me, all of the mixed up, confused feelings coalescing down into one pinpoint of anger. “Honest? You want to talk about honesty?” My voice is raised but I can’t bring myself to calm down. I’m too pissed. “Why in the hell won’t you tell me about Renee then?”
Nate turns to marble right in front of me, and for the first time with him, I think I might be truly scared. It’s a different kind of fear from the thrill that comes to me at the club or in his bed. It’s a deep, chilling fear—the fear that I might have just pushed him away.
But then he looks straight into my eyes and begins to talk, his voice cold and so damn calm.
“Renee was my fiancée. She was beautiful and kind, the gentlest person I’ve ever met.
” His eyes flutter closed for just a moment, the only sign that this might be difficult for him. “She deserved so much better than me.”
I open my mouth to argue—how could anyone deserve better than him?—but he silences me with a look.
“She wasn’t like me. She didn’t…” he swallows. “She didn’t want the things I want.”
Understanding dawns. “She wasn’t submissive.”
His head dips, just once, in a terse nod.
“She didn’t mind me taking charge in bed.
But the rest of it…” I watch as he visibly swallows, hard.
“I tried to push all of that stuff away, for her. I told myself I didn’t need it, not as long as I had her.
And I think…I think I might have been able to do it. I was happy.”
His eyes fix on the wall beside me, a wan smile on his face. “But Renee didn’t believe me. She felt guilty, felt like she was changing me. Repressing me.”
Nate runs a hand through his hair, looking lost now. “We started to argue a lot. She eventually convinced me to start taking her to the club. I could tell she hated it, but she kept insisting.”
A look of pain crosses his features. “We were there one night, watching a scene. It was too much for her, I could tell it was too much.” I’ve never seen him look this dejected but he continues, his calm voice the antithesis to the ragged look in his eyes.
“She insisted I stay. Told me that I should be able to play at the club without her since she couldn’t meet my needs.
” He shakes his head in disgust. “I tried to tell her that she did, but it was a lie, and she knew it. So I let her leave. And it was the worst mistake of my life.”
I feel cold, watching him. There’s a part of me that hurts, thinking about him loving someone else so much. But mostly I just feel sad for him. Because I know the end of this story is going to be heartbreaking.
“She hit a tree that night, on her way home. She swerved off the road, just for a second, but it was enough. She hadn’t been drinking but I knew why it happened. She was upset. Too upset to be concentrating on the road. And alone because I’d been too stupid to just take her home.”
The self-disgust on his face breaks my heart. “What happened to her?”
“She lived.”
I startle a little. I’d been sure he was going to say she was gone.
“She had several injuries though, needed surgery and then intensive physical therapy.” His jaw hardens again, that cold mask descending on his features. “She decided to do that physical therapy in Florida—where her parents live.”
“She left you,” I whisper.
He stares at the wall like he’s looking through it. “I pushed her away. I ruined us, ruined her, all because I couldn’t convince either of us that she was enough for me.”
I have no idea what to say to him. I’ve never seen him look so broken, my usually controlled, confident Nate.
“I promised myself I would never let that happen again,” he whispers. “I would never hurt a woman like that again. I promised myself from then on I would keep my sex life completely separate from my emotions.”
Something cold slithers into my belly, remembering what he’d told me before. “You don’t do relationships.”
Suddenly he turns his face, eyes fixing on mine. “Yes. Until you.”
All the breath leaves my body. Until me.
“I thought my lifestyle and love didn’t mix, Harper,” he says, voice soft, more gentle than usual. “I thought I had to keep those things completely separate—my heart and my time at the club. And then I met you, and it all changed.”
I can hardly wrap my mind around what he’s saying. Love. He used the word love.
“What’s so different about me?”
Suddenly, the cold set of his expression softens, a smile slowly growing. A smile so beautiful, so full of joy, that it takes my breath away.
“Everything is different about you, Harper. You’re the most passionate person I’ve ever known.
The most loving. I can’t get over how smart and driven you are with your work.
How curious you are about the world. Do you know how rare that is?
” He shakes his head. “You’re so fucking alive and I can’t get enough of it. ”
Tears clog my throat. “Nate.”
He holds my gaze, his eyes fiery and fierce. “You make me want things I haven’t wanted in years.” He shrugs. “You make all those carefully crafted excuses and rules I made up seem so unimportant.”
“What’s important now?” I whisper, and his eyes grow somehow more intense.
“Making you happy. Taking care of you. That’s the only thing that matters anymore.”
I’m crossing the room to him before I consciously decided to move. He wraps me up in his arms, pulling me into his lap, and for the first time today I feel truly calm. I feel right. All of those swirling emotions and doubts from earlier are finally put to rest.
But Nate isn’t so quick to let it go. “Will you let me do that?” he asks, kissing the top of my head. “Will you let me take care of you?”
I know that there’s more to his question. He wants me to tell him what’s bothering me so he can help me. And, I realize, I want to. No. I don’t just want to tell him—I need to.
“My father died twelve years ago today.” I peek up at him. “That was the day I became an orphan.”
Nate’s features move quickly from surprise to sympathy before settling on confusion. “I thought your father died before your mother. Didn’t you still have her?”
I don’t try to contain the bitter laugh from bubbling out. “Oh, she lived for a few more months, but we lost her that day. As soon as he was gone, so was she.”
His eyes are steady, searching my face, and I want to hide against his neck, to stop myself from talking before these awful thoughts find voice.