Chapter 21 Harper #2
But there’s something in Nate’s gaze that urges me to continue, that promises relief if I can just get this out. So I take a deep breath and straighten my shoulders.
“She’d been sick for a while,” I say softly.
“But her prognosis was pretty decent. The doctors were sure with chemo and radiation she could get through it. That we’d at least have more time.
” I blink rapidly, trying to keep the wetness in my eyes from escaping.
“When he died, she shut down. She just couldn’t cope.
” I try to swallow the lump in my throat.
“It’s kind of romantic, really. They loved each other so much. She couldn’t bear to live without him.”
The first tear slips down my face. “But she still had me. I needed her, and she wouldn’t even try for me.”
I’ve been living with these terrible thoughts for so long, unable to tell anyone.
Not Emma, not even Mason. But I need Nate to know.
“She picked him over me. Picked death over me. She stopped going to chemo. Stopped getting out of bed. She just…faded away. Until it was too late and she was gone too.”
Nate doesn’t say anything, but his arms tighten around me.
“Why wasn’t I enough for her, Nate?” my voice cracks on his name. “Mason was already out of the house, but I was…I was just a little girl.” A sob raises up in my throat and I battle it back. “She just left me.”
“Harper,” he whispers, his voice ragged. “You can cry, sweetheart.”
I shake my head. I cannot cry, not about this.
“Anyhow,” I manage to force out, tone way calmer than I feel. “That’s why I’ve been…off today. It’s always a shitty anniversary for me.”
He stares down at me in his lap, eyes searching my face. “You’re still pushing it down.”
“I have to,” I tell him, voice broken. “If I cry, I won’t be able to stop.”
He watches me for a long moment before finally bringing his mouth down to mine. He kisses me, so softly, his lips barely brushing against mine. “Do you trust me?”
I don’t hesitate. “Of course.”
He slips his arms from my back to my knees and shoulders, gently moving me from the cradled position. Before he even has me in place, I know what he’s going to do. Sure enough, he arranges me across his lap, chest down on the mattress beside him, hips over his knees.
I stiffen, unsure if I want to do this right now, when I’m feeling so mixed up and emotional, but then his voice is in my ear again. “Trust me. Let me help.”
Before I can say anything, his hand comes down hard, right on my ass. I cry out, but he’s already rubbing the sting away. “It’s just a release, Harper,” he murmurs. “Just like pleasure can be a release, so too can pain. That’s why you crave it. That’s why you need it.”
He slaps me again, the sting even worse, and I cry out. Then his hands slide my skirt up, the soft denim brushing against the newly hot skin, baring my ass for him. He groans a little when he sees my bare flesh and lack of panties.
“I didn’t put them back on,” I tell him, feeling both shy and strangely powerful. “After the library. They were too wet.”
“Sometime, I’m going to have to punish you for that,” he murmurs, rubbing his palm across my ass. “For walking around campus with no panties all afternoon without my permission.”
“You’re not punishing me now?” I ask, wiggling my ass a little to prove my point. He chuckles, the sound low and delicious in my ears.
“No, angel. This isn’t punishment. This is a reward.”
Before I can respond, he smacks my ass again, hard, drawing a deep gasp from me. Then once more, no longer pausing to rub the sting from my flesh. His hand comes down over and over, my skin catching fire beneath his palm.
Every blow draws a noise from me—a gasp, a cry, a moan of pleasure. Because there is pleasure, mixed up in this pain, just like there always is with him.
“Just let go,” he urges, spanking even harder. “Let it all go, Harper.”
I realize that I’m crying, tears running down my cheeks, sobs stuttering from my throat. He was right about this, about what I needed. A release, he had promised. A reward. One I desperately crave.
“Good girl,” he murmurs in between slaps, and my heart swells at his praise. “You’re perfect Harper. You’re everything.”
Then I met you, and it all changed.
That’s what he told me before, and the words could have been my own. He changed everything the day he came into my life.
“Nate,” I gasp out against the mattress. “I need—”
But he doesn’t give me a chance to finish.
He already knows exactly what I need, knows it better than I even do.
Had known since the moment I walked in this room.
This was always where we were headed—me splayed and open across his lap, Nate in total control, bringing me to the edge of the most perfect, beautiful pain.
After one last stinging slap, he jerks me up to straddle him. “I know, angel,” he whispers against my lips, fumbling with his belt, his zipper. “I know what you need. I need it too.” He pauses, looking into my eyes. “Condom?”
I shake my head frantically, not wanting a thing between us.
He groans and then pushes inside, deep inside, exactly where he belongs, his lips hot on my neck as I gasp, this time in pure pleasure.
“I love you, Harper,” he whispers into my neck. “I fucking love you.”
My heart is soaring as I rock against him, sobs still wracking my body. I can’t tell anymore if they’re from the pain or the intense pleasure in my core or the joy in my heart at his words. Maybe they’re from all of it.
A perfect release. That’s what this moment is. All of the sadness and rejection from before is expelled in these tears, replaced by nothing but peace and love and desire.
“I love you too,” I whisper back, holding him as close as I possibly can. “I love you so much.”