Chapter 27
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
“That’s it!” Alistair cried joyously. “Both arms, just like that – don’t panic. Smooth, Hugh. Just like I showed you. And do not kick so hard!”
Alistair stood up to his waist in the body of water.
It was colder than he had hoped, but the midday sun shone brightly and warm so that it did not matter.
By where he stood, the water was calm, and it glimmered in the light as if a million diamonds floated on the surface and reflected in the light.
Just beyond his immediate vicinity, however, the water splashed and roared with vigor, foamy and white, it sprayed across his face and through his hair as if a dozen fish were flopping about in a bid to race away.
“Steady goes,” Alistair called out. “Long strokes. As I showed you…”
It was Hugh, who he was with. And where Alistair stood calmly with his arms folded across his bare chest, Hugh was attempting to swim for the first time.
To the boy’s credit, he wasn’t nearly as hopeless as Alistair had thought he would be. It might have been his first attempt to swim, but he was confident and assured, and he took to swimming with more grace and precision than he should have done.
A stark contrast to my first time trying to swim. I can still remember my father throwing me in, giving me no instruction, just expecting that I not drown…
The memory brought a darkness to the moment, as if a cloud had moved to block the sun.
Alistair shook his head to remove it, focusing instead on his half-brother, and the joy he took in this particular activity.
Indeed, despite his struggles, the constant wheezing and panting as water went up his nose and down his throat, Hugh’s laughter could still be heard clearly.
“Better,” Alistair cheered for Hugh as the boy swam in circles around him. “Look at you go!”
The joy that Alistair felt watching Hugh swim was beyond what he could have predicted. Hugh might have been his brother, but he felt in that moment more like his son. And Alistair was proud of him, such that he beamed for all to see… he wanted Hugh to see it.
“I did it!” Hugh pulled up and threw back his head. The water came up to his shoulders, but he stood ably as he flicked the water from his hair and laughed. “Did you see? Did you see?”
“I did.” Alistair clapped. “I swear that you are half fish.”
“It is not as hard as I thought.” He grinned proudly. “I wish Miss Norleigh was here to see it. Can she swim? Is that why she did not come?”
Just like that, the joy of the morning fled from Alistair as if it had never been. His stomach dropped. His smile left him. And the cloud returned so that it blotted out the sun and he started to shiver from the cold.
“She… she wanted to,” Alistair lied as he rubbed his arms for warmth. “But she is busy with Lucinda’s baby.”
Hugh nodded his understanding. “Next time?”
“I will insist,” Alistair lied again.
Hugh laughed and then dove back under the water, again set to swimming in circles around where Alistair stood.
It had been two days since Alistair’s confrontation with Miss Norleigh, a moment that still made him feel sick with guilt whenever he thought about it. He had considered speaking to her privately since that moment, but fear stopped him. Fear… and tremendous guilt.
She is right to be furious with me, just as she is right to never want to speak with me again.
That she had not left the estate yet might have given Alistair hope, the notion that she was willing to forgive him and all she needed was time.
But Alistair knew too that she had likely only stayed for Hugh’s benefit, and was she given a choice, that she would happily leave him and never look back.
It was no less than he deserved…
Alistair did not expect Miss Norleigh to forgive him, nor was he going to try and convince her to do so. He had done the wrong thing; there was no denying it, and all he could do now was try to make up for his mistakes.
Those mistakes started with Hugh, his half-brother, and today, Alistair planned on telling him the truth. All of it.
Alistair was terrified of what he meant to do.
He had planned on simply sitting the boy down and explaining the reality to him, but when he found Hugh in his room earlier, and when he had seen the look in his eyes, he had balked.
Hugh thought he was Alistair’s son; his whole life had been upended based on this lie, and he wretched when he pictured how Hugh might react…
the likelihood that he would be as upset as Miss Norleigh had been.
Panicking, Alistair pivoted and suggested to Hugh that they spend the morning together. The lake that they were in existed on the outskirts of the estate, and he offered to give Hugh swimming lessons.
To delay the inevitable is what I am doing. As if this one gesture might make up for the lies and the deceit…
But he could not keep delaying it. If he did that, he might never tell him the truth. Alistair needed to be brave. Dammit, for once, he needed to do the right thing.
Thus, once the lessons were done with, Alistair and Hugh sat themselves down on the shore by the water’s edge.
Their feet dipped in the lake, the sun shone on their backs, and while they sat closely, it was not so close that Alistair could put his arm around Hugh if needed. That still felt entirely too familiar.
“Hugh…” Alistair looked nervously at Hugh, who gazed across the crystal blue water of the lake, a smile on his face and laughter on his lips. “I… there is something…”
Hugh frowned as he turned to look at Alistair, and when he did, Alistair saw in the boy shades of their father. The same dark eyes. The same short nose. The same dark colored hair. Only… it wasn’t him, and it never would be. Their father was a mean, cruel monster of a man, and Hugh was innocent.
In that, Alistair decided what to do and what to say.
“Have I told you about my father?” Alistair started. “Do you know anything about him?”
Hugh shook his head. “No. I… I don’t think so.”
“Probably for the best…” Alistair chuckled. “He was not a kind man, my father. And even if he was, I never saw it. Growing up, he treated me with contempt and hatred that was vile.”
“He did?” Hugh seemed confused.
“I do not think he ever wanted children,” Alistair said. “While knowing at the same time that he had to have them. If that makes sense?”
Hugh nodded with caution. “An heir, you mean?”
“That’s the short of it,” Alistair sighed. “I resented him for so long… hated him, in fact. And it wasn’t until I was much older that I came to accept that the way he treated me, likely, had nothing to do with me at all. I think he hated himself, his life, and he saw in me a reflection of that.”
“All right…” Hugh eyed him warily.
“The point is that we can’t choose everything in this life. Most of the time, we do as we must, as we are told we should. And all we are able to do, in the end, is accept what we are given and try to make the best of it. I hated how my father treated me, but I do not hate him. Not as I used to.”
“Even though he was mean to you?”
“I pity him,” Alistair said, realizing that it was true.
“I pity that he was not able to see what he had, that he could not take some joy in fatherhood. And if he were here today, I like to think that I would have it in me to forgive him.” Surprisingly, a smile found Alistair’s lips as he considered that, and if it was true.
“He was a cruel man, but he was my father, and this…” He gestured across the lake.
“All of this, all I have, is thanks to him.”
Hugh said nothing, which Alistair was glad for. He just frowned at Alistair, no idea what the point was of this story, or why Alistair was telling him.
“Hugh…” Alistair sighed deeply. “There is something I need to tell you. I just ask that when I do, that you… that you understand that what I did, I thought it was for the best. Even if it might not seem that way.”
Again, Hugh said nothing. He just looked at Alistair in wait.
“It brings me no pleasure to say this…” Alistair’s shoulders slumped. “But everything that you think you know about… well, about everything. It is a lie.” He forced himself to meet his brother’s eyes. “You are not my son, Hugh.”
Hugh blinked and leaned back. “I’m… I don’t… but I am your son.” His expression grew determined. “You… the vicar… you said –”
“We lied,” Alistair said with a grimace. “We lied because we thought it would be best for you. We wanted to protect you from the truth. Done for the right reasons, even if the result is far from ideal.”
Hugh’s brow furrowed. He shied away, bit into his lip, and Alistair could see the question forming, even if he was too scared to ask it.
“You wish to know who you really are?”
Hugh nodded.
“You are not my son,” he said again. “Rather…” Alistair smiled this time.
“Rather, you are my father’s son. He had an affair with your mother, and when she fell pregnant…
” He shrugged. “I guess he chose to have nothing to do with you. I cannot say for sure, because I did not know you existed until a few months ago.”
“Your… my father…” Hugh looked bewildered.
“You are my brother, Hugh.” Feeling the moment, Alistair rested a hand on Hugh’s shoulder, and he was relieved that Hugh did not pull away. “My half-brother, technically, but that matters not. You are my blood, and you will always be that.”
“I don’t understand.”