Chapter 37 #2
He hurried to the truck, where Alice was standing beside the open door. She tried to give him the front seat, but he shook his head and threw himself into the back. Good boy. He remembered his manners, even stressed and exhausted. We’d done a whole lot right with him, tonight notwithstanding.
“Who’s that?”
I swiveled back to face Shelby, my chest cracking from the pressure of holding in a nuclear explosion.
“My girlfriend.” I lifted my chin, daring her to say something about Alice.
“Isn’t that the librarian?” She took a step, like she was heading to the truck to check, but I shook my head, stopping her in her tracks. “I need to know if you’re bringing Jesse around someone.”
I let out a dry laugh. “Okay, Shel. We’re not going to talk about Alice.
When you take care of what’s going on inside your own house, we can have a conversation.
” I jabbed my finger toward the open door.
“You need to handle that. I know you care about our son, but you’re not doing a good job of showing it.
Getting a call like that from my boy is unacceptable. ”
“I told you…” she whispered, clutching her hands to her chest, “I wanted to move so Kent could find work, but you wouldn’t allow it. He stayed for us, because he loves us. But he’s gotten himself into a bind—”
“Nope.” I took a retreating step, fed up. “I’m not interested in Kent. He’s a done deal. Jesse will not be in that man’s presence again.”
“You can’t decide that.” She reached for me. I gave her outstretched hand a scathing look, and she dropped it to her side. “You’re going against our custody agreement. I’ll let you take Jesse tonight, but you don’t get to decide when he comes back or who he sees when I have him.”
I cocked my head. “Don’t I? Is that loser in your kitchen worth losing your son over? If you fight me on this, I will take you to court. You’ll break Jesse’s heart, but I will handle that if I have to.”
“Caleb.” A wet sob shook her shoulders. “This isn’t fair. You can’t do this. I love Jesse. You know I do. But I deserve to have a life, and Kent—”
“Kent is dog shit,” I bit out. “What kind of trouble is he mixed up in that he comes home with a broken finger and two black eyes? And from the way he was moving, I suspect a few broken ribs too. Who’d he borrow money from? Are you even asking him those questions? Do you care?”
She collapsed into herself like she’d been shot, her arms banding around her middle. “I don’t know,” she rasped.
“You don’t need to know. Get him out of this house—and your life. Jesse’s not safe around him, and neither are you. Don’t make my boy lose his mother. Don’t do that to him, Shel.”
I left her with that. What else was there to say?
I had to hope this would be the wake-up call Shelby needed. I didn’t want to keep Jesse from her, but I would do what I had to do to protect him.
Even if it was from his own mother.
Jesse was barely awake by the time we got home. Once he hit his room, he crawled into his bed like a mindless zombie. When I went to sit down, though, he scooted over, giving me plenty of room.
I put my hand on top of his head, the same way I’d done since he was born. And he blinked at me with guileless eyes that never failed to make me feel like I had to mold the world into a better place for him.
“You doing all right?”
“Tired.” He rubbed his eye, then let his hand fall heavily onto his comforter.
“Do you think Alice is okay? In the truck, when we were waiting for you, she told me she was, but I’m kind of embarrassed she had to see all that.
She’s going to think Mom isn’t a good mom, and yeah, I get that, but I don’t want her to think that because it isn’t true. ”
I clenched my hand into a fist, biting back my anger. This wasn’t something Jesse should have been concerned about, but at the same time, I was proud of him for thinking beyond himself and caring for Alice.
“I’ll talk to her, but you know Alice.” I took my hand from the top of his head to nudge his chin with my knuckle. “She’s one of the smartest, kindest people I know. I can’t think of anyone smarter or more kind, can you?”
He solemnly shook his head. “No. I don’t think so.”
“I’m sure she’s worried about you, bud, but she’s not judging your mom.
Everyone makes mistakes.” The words tasted bitter coming out, but he needed me to say them.
As furious as I was with Shelby for putting all of us in this position, my kid loved his mom, and there was no way I was going to come between that. Not unless I absolutely had to.
Jesse licked his lips, his eyes drifting to the dim light of his lamp. “What if I’m judging? I mean, a little bit. What if I’m thinking Mom really screwed up?”
“You can think what you want. Tonight was a pretty big shit show, huh?”
He whipped his head back toward me, his eyes bugging. “Yeah. It was a massive shit show.”
Chuckling despite myself, I ruffled his hair. “I’ll give you a pass on the cussing for one night.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “I was just repeating what you said. Anyway, I’m traumatized. I don’t even know what’s coming out of my mouth. I can’t be held accountable.”
I knew he was joking, but there was some truth behind it. Jesse had led a pretty idyllic life. Seeing Kent in that state would have been jarring to anyone, but especially for him.
“Kent will be okay. Once he gets his act together, he’ll be all right.” I held on to his chin until he gave me his eyes. “You hear me? He’s not our responsibility, and you don’t need to worry about him. He’s out of your life for good.”
He swallowed hard, nodding. “I’m glad,” he whispered. “Tonight was enough for me.”
“Me too.” I jerked my head toward the door. “You’re drooping fast. Do you want me to get outta here, or would you rather I stay?”
He mulled it over, chewing on his bottom lip. “You’re going to be down the hall, right? Alice too?”
“Right,” I confirmed. “We’ll be close.”
“Then I’m fine.” He slid his arms under his blanket and sighed. “As long as you and Alice are okay too.”
“We are,” I lied, leaning forward to kiss his forehead. “Night, Jess. Love you a lot.”
“Love you a lot too, Dad.”
Alice was waiting for me, but I couldn’t bring myself to go to her after I left Jesse. Not feeling the way I was. My blood was filled with fire and regret. Guilt was etched in my bones. My gut was leaden, so heavy, it was all I could do to make it to the couch and fall on my ass.
I wasn’t a perfect father, far from a perfect man.
But until now, I’d never felt so utterly useless.
Doubting every word I’d said to my son. Wondering how I hadn’t seen the warning signs and intervened before Jesse witnessed his mother cleaning up her badly beaten boyfriend in her kitchen.
And Alice…I’d dragged her into all this along with me.
It killed me.
I raked both hands down my face and let my head fall back against the couch. The silence in the house was deafening. All it did was give room for the voices in my head to get louder.
I shouldn’t have let any of this happen. Should’ve paid closer attention instead of laughing Kent off. Jesse deserved a father who saw trouble coming before it walked through the door, and Alice deserved a man who could keep her out of this mess instead of pulling her into it.
I leaned forward, bracing my elbows on my knees, gripping the back of my neck until my vision swam. Until my lungs ached, and I tasted bile from my roiling gut. This was useless. Wallowing in all the what-ifs was a waste of time.
I shut it all down. Dammed up the flood of thoughts and voices until there was nothing but silence in my head. Because the alternative was breaking open right there on the couch.
Then I’d be no good for anyone.