Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-eight
Alice
Caleb sat with Jesse in his room for a long while. He told me to go to sleep, but that wasn’t happening. Not until he was in bed with me, and I could make sure he was okay.
Just when I began to wonder if he’d fallen asleep in Jesse’s room, I heard his heavy tread in the hallway, but it was headed in the opposite direction. Toward the living room. Probably checking that the doors were locked and everything was shut down.
But the minutes kept ticking by, and he didn’t come back. I sat cross-legged on the edge of his bed, staring at the door, willing it to creak open.
But…
Nothing.
Finally tired of waiting, I padded out to the living room. Caleb sat hunched on the couch, elbows on his knees, staring at nothing. His phone was on the coffee table, his hands hanging loose between his legs. He didn’t even flinch when I approached him.
“Caleb?”
His eyes lifted. They were so shadowed looking at him made my chest ache.
I crossed the room and sank down beside him, sliding my hand along his leg. “How’s Jesse? Is he okay?”
For a long moment, he didn’t answer. When he finally did, his voice was flat, scraped thin. “He’ll be fine, but I’m all talked out.”
I reached for his hand anyway, lacing my fingers through his, and leaned into him. “Then we don’t have to talk. Not right now. Come to bed with me.”
He didn’t give me a response, only stared past me again. It stung, but I swallowed it down. This wasn’t about me. I pressed a kiss to his shoulder, then slipped my hand free and stood. “Okay. I’ll be in bed if you change your mind.”
I turned toward the hallway, bracing myself for the wrongness of going to bed without him, when I heard him shift behind me. His footsteps followed, slow and plodding. By the time I reached the bedroom, he was with me, stripping off his shirt before sliding beneath the covers without a word.
He let out a long breath and flung his arm over his eyes. “You shouldn’t have waited up. I know you’re tired.”
I slipped into bed with him, rolling to my side and touching his arm. “We’re all tired. Let’s try to get some sleep. Things always look different in the light of day.”
He found my hand under the blankets, brought it to his chest, and sighed. “Then it’s good the morning will be here before we know it.”
I scooted closer, and he opened his arm so I could rest my head on his shoulder. His skin was warm, his chest rising and falling beneath my cheek in a rhythm I let myself match.
For a long moment, neither of us spoke. The air between us was quiet, the kind that came after a storm, when the dust was still settling and no one quite knew what the daylight would show.
Caleb pressed his lips to my hair and whispered, almost too low to hear, “Stay close to me tonight, Alice.”
“I wasn’t planning on moving at all,” I murmured back, curling tighter into his side.
His grip around me tightened, and finally, with his heartbeat slowing under my ear, I let my eyes close.
Jesse was far more resilient than either of us. By morning, he’d bounced back like nothing ever happened. We had breakfast together, then he was off to go fishing with his grandfather, barely looking back as he ran out the door.
It was plain as day what had happened was weighing heavily on Caleb. He was quiet, even for him, moving around his house like he was underwater. The show he put on for Jesse was almost convincing, but as soon as Jesse was gone, the light behind Caleb’s eyes snuffed out.
“When you’re ready, I’ll drive you home,” he said as I finished washing the breakfast dishes.
I put down the last plate I’d been drying and turned to him, my back against the counter. “I’m in no hurry to leave. I still have the clothes your mom let me borrow here. I don’t need anything from my house.”
He shuffled his socked foot and gazed toward the window behind the sink. “I’ve got a lot to do around the ranch. Chores I’ve been putting off. If you stay, you’ll be sitting here by yourself. It’s better you go home.”
My stomach sank like a thousand-pound stone, but I tried one more time. “You don’t need a nail holder? You put me to work before. I think I did a pretty good job.”
He turned to face me, a trace of a smile curving his lips. “Not today, darlin’.”
“Well, I’ll hang out here. I don’t mind.”
“I’ll feel bad, thinking about you here by yourself.” He cocked his head toward the door. “I’m gonna put my boots on and head outside. Meet me out there when you’re ready to go.”
He walked right out of the house without another word, and I was utterly breathless. What was happening? He had never once sent me home, and when he left my house, it was only after coming back two or three times for another kiss and promise to see me soon.
Still, I knew he was upset, and he might’ve needed time to work through it. The ranch was in his blood and bones, so maybe sinking his fingers into the dirt would bring him some solace. This didn’t have to mean things were going awry between us. I could give him space.
I just wished walking out to his truck in last night’s dress and a pair of flip-flops didn’t feel so final.
But logic gave me a nudge, whispering that was my history telling me stories that weren’t true.
I reminded myself of that when Caleb closed the passenger door without kissing me first, and again when he pulled away from the ranch without checking that I was buckled up like he always did.
He had a lot on his mind. None of these jarring changes had to mean something bad.
But the silence filled every corner of the cab until it pressed against my ribs. Caleb kept his eyes on the road, one hand on the wheel, the other resting loose on his thigh. Normally, he would’ve threaded his fingers through mine, but today, my hand lay empty in my lap.
The miles between the ranch and my house had never felt longer. With each one, the knot in my stomach cinched tighter, an old familiar ache blooming around it. That terrible fear of only being visible when I was useful, forgettable when I wasn’t.
When he pulled up to my curb, the engine ticked as it idled. Caleb didn’t kick me out of the truck, but he also didn’t yank me across the cab to kiss me stupid like he’d done the last time we were in this position.
Give him space. Make it simple for him.
“What if I come back when you’re done with your chores, and I cook dinner for you and Jesse?” I asked. “He really liked the pasta I made last time. I think I have all the ingredients. It would be easy to whip up.”
Caleb’s jaw worked as if the words were stones he had to grind down before he could speak. Finally, he said, “I can’t give you an answer right now. I’ll call you if we’re up for company.”
It shouldn’t have felt like a door slamming in my face, but it did. When it came to this man, I was tender all the way to my core. Lately, he’d been taking care of my soft places, but it seemed he had too much on his mind to do that today.
“Okay,” I whispered. “Let me know when you want to see me again.”
With a great sigh, Caleb turned the truck off and hopped out, circling around to my side. He opened my door and held his hand out to me. “Come on, Allie-girl, let’s get you inside.”
I slipped my hand in his, allowing him to help me out of the truck and walk me to my porch. He took my keys from me, unlocking my door. I held my breath as I waited to see what he’d do next.
Finally, he wrapped his hand around the back of my head and placed a firm kiss on my mouth. It wasn’t sweet and gentle. It wasn’t passionate and needy either. It was a kiss he’d never given to me before, one I couldn’t identify as his.
“I’ll talk to you later,” he murmured, taking a step away from me.
I almost let him go. My worries and fears nearly won.
It would be easier to lock my door and fade away in the shadows of my home until Caleb decided to give me some of his light back.
But I didn't want easy. I wanted the life I’d begun to build with this man.
Sitting in the dark waiting for him wasn’t an option anymore.
“When?”
He jerked, his eyebrows shooting up. “When what?”
“When will you talk to me?”
He dragged a hand through his hair, exhaling hard. “I don’t know. I’ve got work to do, and I need to clear my head. I can’t give you a timeline right now. I’m sorry.”
So was I. Sorry he couldn’t find it in himself to deal with stress without pushing me away. I’d had a lifetime of being shut out when the going got tough. I never thought Caleb would do it to me.
I lifted my chin. “If your intention is to shut me out any time things go wrong, I need you to understand I can’t accept that. If you need space, then please take it. Sometimes, I need that too. But it feels like you’re pushing me away, and I don’t like it.”
He started to speak, but I held my hand up.
I wasn’t finished. If I didn’t say what was on my mind, I would let it swallow me up and never find a way to get it out.
“You don’t have to say anything. Really, Cay.
Go back to the ranch, get your head on right.
But please understand, I am not a fish on a hook who will hang out indefinitely.
I care for you very much, but how you’re acting is making me sad in a way that reminds me far too much of my family. ”
I patted the center of his chest. “I care for you, Caleb,” I repeated. “Take your space, but please don’t go so far I can’t reach you. I’ll miss you.”
His hand came up, closing over mine. He brought my fingers to his mouth and kissed them. “I won’t go far.” He sighed, softer now. “I’ll call you tonight, darlin’. Promise.”
“Okay.” I slipped my hand from his and tucked it behind my back. “I’ll see you.”
He lingered a second longer, like he might have said more, but the words never came.
I stepped inside, the familiarity of my cozy house wrapping around me. I stood with my hand on the door, but I couldn’t bring myself to watch him walk away, so I slowly shut it.
I touched the fingers he’d kissed to my lips, squeezing my eyes closed.
Caleb Kelly was the strongest man I knew. He’d deal with what he needed to, then he’d come around. I just hoped he didn’t make me wait too long.