Chapter 39
Chapter Thirty-nine
Caleb
I had every intention of going back to the ranch and spending the day working hard enough to shut everything else out—to sweat out my worries and bleed my anger. But as I sat in my truck in front of Alice’s house, I couldn’t bring myself to leave.
I looked down at the book in my hands. The third in the Shadow of the Isle series, Crown of the Sky.
We were almost finished. Fathaniel and Balboa were on the cusp of solving the riddle of the dragon and the stars.
Their happy ending was within reach. They’d harnessed the sky and learned how to rewrite the stars.
But Fathaniel was still screwing things up, as always.
He couldn’t stop going off on his own, trying to carry the entire universe on his shoulders, even when he had Balboa right there, ready to be his partner.
I banged my head on my steering wheel, frustration pounding behind my eyes. The parallels between me and the bumbling hero were so on the nose, it wasn’t funny. Hell, nothing was funny about the last look Alice had given me. Nearly defeated while still holding out hope I’d get my act together.
I dropped the book onto the passenger seat and sat there for another long minute, gripping the wheel so hard I was surprised it didn’t crack. I wasn’t going to be a fool like Fathaniel, stumbling alone until it was too late. Not when Alice was willing to walk beside me.
She was delicate on the outside, sure. Small hands that disappeared in mine, a dulcet voice I had to carefully listen to so I didn’t miss a word, an easy disposition that made it impossible not to like her.
But underneath all that, she was steel. She’d faced challenges that would break someone weaker.
But she was still standing, still lovely and curious and brave.
With a muttered curse, I shoved the truck door open and climbed out, rocks crunching beneath my boots. Determination burned hot in my gut as I crossed her yard.
By the time I reached her porch, my heart was thundering in my chest, not from nerves, but the simple, bone-deep truth of what I wanted. A real life with her. One that meant she got the good and the bad, the sunshine and the storms.
I lifted my hand and knocked once. Then again, louder.
The door cracked open, and Alice’s wary eyes met mine.
I didn’t wait for her to ask why I was there. “I didn’t go far,” I said, voice rougher than I meant. “I couldn’t even start the truck. Let me inside, Alice, so you can put your arms around me while I tell you how sorry I am.”
She opened the door wider, revealing her wet hair and a long T-shirt sticking to her skin. What she didn’t do was welcome me into her house.
“I have to put my arms around you to get an apology?”
“No. You don’t have to do anything. I was hoping you might want to, though.”
Her eyes darted between mine, sweeping over my face and down my arms to my hands, before coming back to meet my gaze. Water dripped from her hair onto her shoulders. A cricket chirped somewhere in the grass. A cool breeze broke through some of the early summer heat.
Alice took a breath, stepped back, and opened her arms. My knees nearly buckled with relief when she closed them around me. I curled over her, burying my face in her wet hair, and breathed in the scent of her shampoo.
“Christmas,” I rumbled.
“Your favorite.”
“Damn right.”
I lifted her off her feet and walked into her house, carrying her all the way to the couch. I sat down, Alice tucked in my lap, questioning myself for thinking I needed to go it alone. I already felt a lot better with her in my arms and hers wrapped tight around me.
“I’m sorry, Alice.” I laid my forehead on hers.
“You were right. Things got heavy, and instead of sharing that, I balked. It was the exact wrong thing to do. I knew it, but I did it anyway. Thank you for calling me out on it. Otherwise, I’d be out on the ranch, by myself and miserable, instead of here with you. ”
She swatted my shoulder, but there was no force behind it. “You can’t do that to me, Cay. Don’t do that again.”
“I won’t. I can’t promise I won’t screw up in other ways, but not this.”
She toyed with the hair at the base of my neck then slid her fingers through the back, cupping my head. “I don’t expect or need perfection, honey. I just have to know you need me the way I need you. I can’t stand to be made to feel expendable.”
“You aren’t. There’s no world I’m in where I don’t require you to be with me. I always want you beside me. Always.”
“Except today,” she whispered.
“I’m sorry I screwed up and put doubt in your mind, Alice, but I absolutely need you today.
” I pulled back so she could see me and really hear me.
“When I got in my truck, I was looking at our book. Remembering how pissed off I got when I read about Fathaniel making the decision to go off without Balboa to protect her.”
She huffed a little laugh. “You said it was bullshit because Balboa is equally as powerful as Fathaniel.” Her fingertips grazed my chin. “You were really pissed off.”
“Yeah…well, he’s an idiot.” I shook my head.
“Never thought I’d get steamed up about a book, but you gave me that, Alice.
You’ve changed me for the better in a lot of ways, but I’m still me.
I’m stubborn to a fault. I get in my head, too internal for my own good.
I forget having a conversation would solve a lot of problems.”
“I know you’re not always going to be in the mood to talk, honey.
You don’t have to change who you are for me.
” She trailed her fingers along my jaw, up to my ear.
“But please know you can be quiet with me. I want more than anything to be the person you can lean on. It hurt me that you didn’t think you could do that. Or that you didn’t want to.”
“I want to. I want everything with you.” My next breath was shaky.
The one after was a lot more even. “I have this…backbreaking guilt for allowing the Kent situation to carry on as long as it did. Feel like I failed Jesse in a lot of ways. I hate that he saw what he did last night. Hate you saw it too. I’m pissed I had to take him from Shelby, because despite these circumstances, she’s been a good mom, and our boy loves the hell out of her.
But I don’t know if she’ll do the right thing, and I’m fearful of what that’ll mean for Jesse.
I don’t want to have to fight her, but I will. ”
“I hope you don’t have to do that, but if it comes down to a fight, I’m in your corner.” She cupped the side of my neck and brought her forehead to mine. “Are you in my corner too? I want to be on your team, Cay. We have to be in this together or not at all.”
“Don’t say that,” I growled. “There’s no ‘not at all’ when it comes to us.”
“Then don’t make me feel that way,” she admonished, gentle as a lamb.
“It isn’t your fault I’ve been hurt before, and I don’t blame you for me being extra sensitive to rejection.
But please be aware I am. When I’m pushed away, I’m immediately taken back to a lifetime of being ignored and cast aside unless I had a use, and I don’t want to go to that place ever again, especially not with you.
I’ve begun to think of you as my safe place—”
“I am, Alice. You can think of me that way, because I will be that for you. I’m sorry I let you doubt that for even a second.”
“I forgive you,” she murmured against my temple as she stroked my beard—comforting me when I was the one who’d hurt her. That was who Alice was. It was why I was here, and why I’d never make the mistake of leaving her again. “I know how much you love Jesse, and last night really wrecked you.”
“It did,” I agreed.
“We’ll get him through it.” Her lips were a whisper on my cheekbone. “You’ll support him, and I’ll be your rock, holding you up. Let me be that for you, honey.”
I clamped my eyes shut, overwhelmed by wonder. How had I gotten so damn lucky to be able to call this woman mine? I’d never know the answer to that, but I wouldn’t forget how fortunate I was that Alice’s light was shining upon me when, by all rights, it should have dimmed years ago.
Now that I had it, it was my duty to keep it bright, to huddle around it and shield it from the elements and all the ugliness in the world. To protect it, even from myself if I had to.
I pulled back, so she could see me when I laid out the plans I’d been making for us in my head—so she could look into my eyes and see for herself how completely in I was.
“Allie-girl,” I rasped, my throat thick with my feelings for her and all the words I wanted to say rushing to get out at once. I took my time, making sure I explained myself as clearly as possible. She needed to understand what she meant to me.
“Caleb.” Her eyes glinted like dew on a leaf catching the morning sun.
“You can’t see inside my head.”
She let out a breezy laugh. “No, I can’t. That’s true.”
“My meaning is you can’t see how I feel about you. I am going to do a better job of telling you. Beginning now.”
Her hand found mine on her waist, and she threaded our fingers together. “I’m listening.” She tilted her head to give me her ear, and I chuckled. She was so adorable and sweet, I couldn’t help it.
“It happened when you were dancing with Bryan at Joy’s. This…implosion inside me. I hit the ground, on my ass, without ever realizing I’d been falling for a long time.” I squeezed her fingers. “To be clear, I mean falling for you, Alice.”
She tried to bite back a smile, but it was no use. “I figured, but thank you for clarifying.”
“That’s the least I can do after mucking about for so damn long.”
“Not too long, though.” She touched her lips to mine. “It seems to me you were right on time.”
“I don’t know about that,” I muttered, less willing to give myself a pass.
“But I do know I keep having that same feeling when I’m with you.
I see your smile, or you share an insight about Fathaniel and Balboa, or you make my kid laugh, and I hit the ground again.
I didn’t know it was possible to fall for someone over and over, but here I am, head over heels for you and still tumbling. ”
She gasped a sharp breath and shook her head. “Caleb, I—”
“I’m not done yet, so hold on.” I slipped my hand from hers to take hold of her chin, tipping it back.
“I thought I had a pretty damn perfect life with my boy and my family nearby. You know all too well I didn’t see a need to add to it.
But I was wrong. The time I’ve spent with you has only proven how closed off I was.
Having you in my house, in my life…you fit.
We fit together. You’re a piece I wasn’t aware I was missing until I had you and everything became so much better.
You took my heart in your soft little hands and cracked it wide open. ”
She blinked at me, catching tiny teardrops in her lashes. Her rosy lips parted, but no words came out. That was all right. I wasn’t ready for her to speak yet.
“In my head, I’ve been planning a future with you.
I’m picturing you moving to the ranch by the end of summer.
I’ve got an idea of where we can put your books, and I’ve looked up plans for shelves I want to build you.
” Her whimper almost stopped me, but my tongue was loose, and my feelings were a raging river, flowing out of me without any constraints.
“I’ve been thinking of things down the line—not too far—like where we’ll have our wedding, and if the kids you and I have will be like Jesse or completely different.
When you came to me all those months ago, I couldn’t see myself going there, but now that I know you and what it’s like to truly have you, it’s impossible for me not to want all that with you. ”
There was more, a lot more, but only one thing needed to be said now. It was the most important part, and since I had her rapt attention, now was the time to tell her.
Holding her chin, I unfurled our hands to stroke along her throat, finding her fluttering pulse. I leaned forward to kiss her there, once then twice. She sucked in a breath, and her pulse jumped. Still, she stayed quiet, giving me the floor.
“The fact is, my sweet Alice, I’m in love with you, and everything I learn about you has me falling deeper. I’m going to do my best to show you that through actions and words. You’ve always been the brave one, and it’s my turn to be that for you.”
A whimper was the only warning I got before she dove for my neck, tucking her head beneath my jaw.
Her shoulders trembled as she burrowed into me, getting herself as close as she could without finding her way under my skin.
I wrapped my arms around her, letting my head fall back on the cushions from the relief of finally freeing the thoughts that had been whipping around inside me like a brewing storm.
My mind was calm now, content with Alice knowing exactly how I felt for her, needing nothing from her in return. Not now. Not today.
This was all I needed.
Peace with my girl in my arms.