Chapter 17
Even though he knew it was the right thing to do, Mikey hates himself for breaking up with Luke.
What else was I supposed to do?
When the contract had arrived in the mail the week before, Mikey had known it was time.
Things are moving fast now and, as the contract said and as his parents constantly remind him, they’re only going to start moving faster after this.
Carson wants to get him out to California as soon as possible, so they are already making plans to have him complete his last year of school with tutors.
He’s also going to miss out on the last couple of weeks of the camp at NACA but, since the concert has achieved its purpose, he isn’t too worried about that part.
Right up until the moment he told Luke it was over he’d gone back and forth whether he was going to pull the trigger or not. He’d gone through with his plan, though, and now Mikey’s heart feels like it’s been torn out of his chest and put roughly back in.
The truth is: Mikey Smiles loves Luke Carter, but he’s never going to tell him.
He loses track of just how much time he sits there in the restaurant. He’s dimly aware of people staring at him, and a time or two one of the staff asks him if there’s anything else he needs, but he still sits there, replaying the whole scene with Luke over and over in his mind.
Mikey doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to forget that awful look on Luke’s face.
And I caused it, he thinks. I’m such an asshole.
He sighs, finally, and decides he can’t stay in Coleman’s all day.
Besides, he’s going to have to face his parents sooner or later.
He’s sure they’re going to be relieved when he tells them he’s cut Luke off.
His mother hasn’t looked at him the same since the night of the concert.
Every so often he’ll catch her giving him a look, and he thinks he knows what’s going through her mind.
I think she knows Luke and I were more than just friends, he thinks. She just doesn’t want to admit it to herself, let alone say it out loud.
That’s the thing about their family. So many things just lurk under the surface. Still, what isn’t said out loud can’t hurt him, and so he lets her continue in her illusion.
When they sit down to dinner, though, he knows now’s the time to come clean.
“Well,” his mother says, when he tells her he’s no longer friends with Luke, “I’m disappointed you spent so much time with that boy in the first place, but it’s all over now. You’re going places, and you won’t have to worry about this place anymore.”
With every word coming out of her mouth Mikey feels worse and worse, and he wishes he had the courage to stand up to her. He can’t go back on it now, though. All he can do is just keep on going and hope his mother finally lets up.
She just clucks her tongue.
“Well, it doesn’t matter,” she says at last. “I swear. Luke is just jealous. He’s not going to amount to much anyway.”
“Mother, enough,” he says before he can think better of it.
“What did you just say?” his father snaps from his chair. “You do not talk to your mother like that.”
Mikey is tempted to repeat what he said to his mother, but he knows it wouldn’t get him anywhere. It would just anger his father, and then it would all escalate to a fight.
Thank God I’m getting out of here.
“You apologize to her right now,” his father says, finally deciding he can look over the edge of his paper. Mikey knows the look on his face well enough to know he’s not going to win any further arguments. It’s better to just give in and fight another day.
“I’m sorry,” he says, aware his tone says exactly the opposite. His mother, though, is the type who’s always willing to go along to get along, to let a fight subside as long as it means avoiding unpleasantness.
“It’s okay, sweetie,” she says. “You’ve been under a lot of pressure lately. Don’t think anything else about it.”
“Can I be excused?” he asks, because he’s already on thin ice and doesn’t want to just storm off to his bedroom, as much as he’d like to do just that.
Both of his parents share a look and, at last they both nod. He’s free to go.
As he walks up the stairs to his bedroom, all those feelings from earlier come crashing down on him. By the time he gets to his bedroom door he’s barely holding in the sobs, and when he’s finally inside and the door is safely closed behind him, he finally lets them take over completely.
Only in his bedroom does it really hit him how much he’s given up. Sure, he might have a contract with an agent, and sure, he might be on his way up, but it’s costing a hell of a lot, more than he’s ever imagined.
He throws himself on the bed. Now his heart doesn’t just feel like it’s been torn out and put back in; it feels like it’s been torn out and just left beating outside his body. He’s so upset, so filled with anger and self-loathing, he can’t even find the strength to cry.
I’ve fucked everything up, he thinks to himself. Luke’s gone, and he’s never going to forgive me.
Finally it’s all too much, and he falls headfirst into sleep.
When he wakes up, it’s the middle of the night. For a few panicked seconds Mikey has no idea where he is or how he got there. Then the memories come crashing in on him, and he sighs.
He makes a decision, then. If he’s going to move on with his life, if he’s going to leave all of this behind, he’s going to have to put Luke behind him too. He buries all of those feelings and memories–both the good and the bad–deep down where he can’t feel them anymore.
Fuck, he thinks. Is it worth it?
But it’s too late. He has to do it if he’s going to move forward.
He sighs again, and it feels, briefly, like a weight has lifted from his chest.
In the back of his mind, though, Mikey knows he’ll never really get over Luke, and he’ll never forgive himself for what he did today.
He slowly slips back into sleep.
When he wakes up the next morning he’s a bit refreshed, ready to face the day.
Goodbye, Luke Carter, he thinks. And good luck.