Chapter 18 #2
Mikey finally found the wherewithal to move toward the living room, but he still felt like he was moving through molasses, or maybe like he was out of his body.
It was just so strange to be here with Luke in this situation, to feel like things might be changing between the two of them.
He didn’t want to get his hopes up, didn’t want to be disappointed, but he couldn’t help himself.
They took their seats in the living room–sitting on opposite ends of the couch–and prepared for a really deep talk.
“I know I can be a bit of an asshole sometimes,” Luke began, “and I can definitely hold a grudge, but I figure the two of us should get to know each other better again. I mean, we haven’t really talked in a decade, and I guess a lot’s changed for both of us.”
He paused, once again gathering his thoughts.
“Let’s start with the outing thing, since it’s kind of the elephant in the room. It was hard, Mikey, I won’t lie. It’s not easy, when in an instant everyone knows the most intimate details about your life, but I guess I don’t have to tell you of all people what it’s like.”
He snorted.
“The worst part, though, was the way everyone abandoned me. My team? Gone. My fans? Gone. Even my friends in the industry? Gone.” He held up a hand as Mikey started to say something.
“Let me finish. It was hard, and I guess part of me wished you of all people might reach out, if just privately. After all, you know what it’s like to live a double life, and after what we shared, I guess I just thought you might want to at least make an effort.
When you didn’t…well, it just made everything worse.
“But, as I’m learning, there’s no point in holding onto the past. The only thing you can control, the only thing you can change, is what you’re gonna do about the present and the future.
And I guess what I’m sayin’ is I want to start thinking about what my future might look like, that isn’t quite as bitter as the past.”
This is it, Mikey thought. He’s going to ask if I want to get back together.
But no, the next words out of Luke’s mouth dashed those hopes.
“I don’t want to get hung up on what the two of us had in the past. Let’s just…
think about the concert, huh? I think we can really put together somethin’ to impress the folks around here.
It’s really important to me we do something my family and friends can be proud of. This isn’t just a game to me.”
Mikey bristled a bit, in no small part because Luke had just poured cold water on what he’d hoped was going to be a deeper reconciliation.
“Haven’t you ever thought about what it would be like to try again?” he asked. “Haven’t you ever thought about giving us a second chance? The time when we were teens meant something to me, Luke, even if it didn’t to you.”
Fuck, he thought. I really shouldn’t have said that.
“So,” Luke said, eyes flashing, “you’re saying what we had meant something to you, huh?
Then do you mind telling me why you decided to end it between the two of us, as soon as you found out you’d gotten a contract?
Do you want to tell me why you’ve almost never reached out to talk to me, even when it was clear I needed someone? ”
Mikey deserved the tongue lashing, and he’d known a difficult conversation was coming from the moment he’d accepted Luke’s invitation.
Now the moment was here, however, he didn’t really know what to say.
How to explain to Luke he’d realized as soon as he broke up with him that it had been a mistake?
How to tell Luke he had regretted that day at Coleman’s Fish for the better part of a decade?
For that matter, how to tell him he’d never stopped loving him?
Maybe just be honest with him, he thought.
“You know what? You’re right. I acted like a real shit during the whole situation, and believe me, I regret it.
You deserved better. We deserved better.
And the same is true for when you came out.
I really wish I could go back and change things, Luke, but I can’t.
All I can, as you say, is make the present and the future a little better. ”
“I believe you,” Luke said, and the pain in his voice took Mikey right back to the day he ended their relationship.
“But I want you to know how much you hurt me, Mikey. And not just because you broke up with me when we were teenagers. You left me alone, when it was clear I was suffering. If, as you say, you regretted breaking up with me in the first place, why couldn’t you be bothered to say something, anything, when I needed it?
Where was your love then? Where was it at every other moment for the past ten years? ”
Tears pricked the corner of his eyes, and he knew it wasn’t fair for him to start feeling like he was going to cry, not when he’d been the one to really hurt Luke.
But then, that was exactly why he was feeling so shitty right then, because he knew he’d done wrong and he couldn’t fix it, short of building a time machine and going back to smack some sense into his younger self.
“I was an idiot, okay? I did all of that because I was scared and because, as fucked up as it sounds, I sort of blamed you for the way things ended. Yes, I know it’s fucked up to say.
It’s just…I wanted to have all of the things I’d dreamed about, and it was eating me up inside that I didn’t get to have you and my career, too.
And then, when you started building your own career I figured it was better we just keep things distant.
It didn’t seem worth dredging up all of the stuff from the past. I guess I figured it was easier to just forget about you. ”
Mikey toyed with telling Luke just how much he’d yearned and pined for him over the years. He even thought about telling him about the time he’d snuck into one of his concerts, but he decided against it. Instead, he took a deep breath and dropped another kind of truth bomb.
“The truth is, it ate me up to find out you’d had lovers after me.
When I saw the picture of you making out with a guy they published on that stupid website, I thought I was gonna go crazy with jealousy.
I couldn’t bring myself to reach out because I was afraid I was going to say something I’d regret.
“But truly, Luke, I’m sorry, for being a stupid teenager and an even dumber twenty-something. You deserved so much better.”
He almost, almost followed up with, “and I’d like to try to give it to you now,” but he didn’t. Luke had made clear he wasn’t interested in anything romantic, and he had no interest in making a fool of himself.
Luke didn’t say anything for a minute. Instead, he just sort of sat there, like he was trying to figure out just what it was he wanted to say, assuming he wanted to say anything at all. Mikey forced himself to remain patient, to give Luke time to figure out his feelings in his own good time.
“I need some time to think about all of this,” Luke said at last. “I want to forgive. I do. It’s just…I have had a lot of pain from the years, Mikey, a lot of pain, and it’s going to take me some time to get over it. Can you give me time?”
Mikey would’ve given him anything at the moment, particularly since he was holding out the promise that maybe, just maybe, things might be okay between the two of them. It wasn’t a lot to start hanging his hopes on, but it was better than nothing.
And so, as he did so often in these situations, he gave Luke what he hoped was a convincing smile.
“Of course,” he said. “Take all the time you need.”
“Good,” Luke said. “I’ll be back in a bit. I just need…to go think.”
And he was gone, and Mikey was left alone with only his unsatisfying thoughts for company.