24. Cracking
24
CRACKING
Hayden
Goddamnit. She was right. Wasn’t she? But then why did it feel so wrong?
Four years of turning my head away from every girl who threw themselves in front of me and then, when I finally break my own rules, finally let go and throw myself at someone, they turn me away.
Maybe those bunnies and influencers and starry-eyed girls were all I deserved. Someone normal didn’t want to be a part of what I was. Why would they? I was just a fantasy. A face from a magazine or on the television, not an actual person. Certainly not the guy who took the trash out, went to bake sales, or wanted to hang out watching old movies all weekend.
But the thing is, that’s what I’d rather be doing most of the time. Except that I was good at one thing. Hockey. Okay, two things. Hockey and fighting. Maybe three, if you include karaoke.
It's not like I could walk in tomorrow, quit the team, then go back to live like that. Or could I? No. I had Maiden to look out for. It was funny to think that Sarah had been looking out for him too. No one had asked her to. She wanted to. Because she was nice and kind and beautiful and— oh my God —I’m a fucking mess!
My chest sunk as I remembered her eyes earlier, the way she looked at me. Two sparkling emerald pearls that spoke to me in ways I have never been spoken to before. How warm her skin was, the fizz of excitement when she ran her fingertips along my collarbone, her tiny pretty wrists, that intoxicating scent that I couldn’t help closing my eyes to savor the memory of.
My shell was cracking. I’d spent so long alone that I really believed I didn’t need anyone else. But now, I wasn’t so sure. What I’d thought and how I felt were at odds. Everything I’d given to Maiden - safety, warmth, love - I’d forgotten to give myself. I’d put it all out of mind. For once, I’d gotten to feel all of those things, a glimpse of what that would be like. But, like it had always been, it was taken away from me. Maybe I truly was unloveable, but for once, couldn’t it stay, if only for a little longer?