29. Stumbling
29
STUMBLING
Sarah
I was devastated. The once perfect dress was ruined and my make-up had quickly followed it into oblivion. Once again, I’d tried to step into that other world, finding out very quickly that I wasn’t wanted there. That I didn’t fit. Humiliated, I’d run straight out of the entrance and away from it all.
All I wanted was to feel was something that wasn’t this. Anything that wasn’t this. That wasn’t Hayden or Cara or Mayors or balls or my complete shame.
Outside, the hem of the dress crumpled against the dirty street as I chased down the first cab I saw with tears streaking down my face. Climbing inside and collapsing on the backseat, I groaned out in wild, mad agony. The cab driver gave me an odd look through his rearview mirror, before I found a ridiculous fake smile and gave him my address.
I couldn’t face going home to my empty apartment, though. What would I do there? Wallow and relive that fucking moment over and over again in my head? So, when I saw the first green neon lights of a bar, I told the cab driver to turn off.
The night had gotten humid and sticky after the recent rains, and The Jackalope looked lively as we pulled up. Men in denim and leather hung outside in groups under the neon lights, sipping on cold beers and sucking on warm cigarettes, while rock n’ roll splashed out onto the pavement with every swing of the faded red door. It was as good a place as any.
An hour ago, I’d attracted admiring looks, but now I only received odd looks as I stepped out of the cab in my disgraced fancy dress. My heels crunched on the gravel as I walked up to the bar and stepped inside the raucous atmosphere of revelry.
People were yelling to each other loudly over the music, dancing wildly in the crowded space, the sound of pool balls echoing from one corner and wild laughter bouncing off the walls from another.
The lone barman was half-drenched in sweat, red-faced, and busy, but he gave me a warm, welcoming smile as I pushed my way up to the bar. He was cute , I thought to myself as I smiled back, trying to push everything else from that night out of my mind.
“Hey, so what can I get ya?”
Usually, I would’ve gone for a cold beer, but that wasn’t enough tonight. I didn’t want to be slow and introspective. I needed to shake things loose or else end up wallowing in my own misery.
“Tequila. Will you do one with me?” I shouted over the rattle of music.
“Sure!” He replied, grabbing a bottle and setting two long shot glasses down between us .
“What we toasting to?” He asked as he picked up his glass and leaned in closer.
“Um… How about …Being a big fucking disaster?”
“Done!”
We downed the shots, the tequila hitting my throat and making me gag, before I thankfully sucked on the accompanying slice of lime.
“And now?” The bartender asked. Slamming his glass upside down.
“Another!”
He laughed. “Okay then, but I’ll sit this one out.”
I pouted back at him, making him roll his eyes.
“Alright, fine! I’m in,” he said, and I clapped my hands to show my approval, wondering if that first shot had taken its effect already.
We downed another shot. This one went down easier than the first and I didn’t have to dive instantly for the lime, but instead tasted the sharp and sweet oily flavor on my tongue for a moment. The cute bartender stood back and raised an eyebrow at me, waiting for my next request while other faces at the bar leered at him, shaking dollar bills and waiting for their turn.
“Another!” I yelled.
He laughed, but less jovially this time. Looking thoughtful for a second, he leaned over the bar to me.
“How about I make you an El Diablo instead?”
“What’s that?” I said, hoping he wasn’t making fun of me.
“Tequila, lime, creme de cassis, ginger beer… Seriously, I think you’ll love it!”
“Okay!” I yelled back over the music, my limbs already feeling a little looser .
He left to fix up my drink, throwing an ice cube over his shoulder and catching it in a glass for my amusement.
“Show off!” I shouted at him, laughing, and he grinned back. I was starting to feel better already. This was way better than that stuffy crowd back at the ball.
A voice to my left rattled in my ear, “Say, don’t I know you!”
A craggy-looking man with a black cowboy hat and glassy eyes was looking at me. At least when his eyes didn’t lose focus and drift away.
“Nope, I don’t think so!” I yelled back.
“Well, let’s change that then!”
It made me laugh. He seemed harmless enough, and he was at least eight drinks ahead of me.
“Oh, sorry. I’m married.” I bellowed.
“Hi Mary, I’m Max!” he yelled back.
“No, I’m MARRIED.”
He stared back at me, not understanding. So I raised my hand and tapped on the ring finger, feeling suddenly sad that there wasn’t a ring there, that there never had been, and maybe there never would be.
“No, I’m NOT married!” He called back.
“Hi!” another voice yelled at me from the side.
This one was younger, with nice hair and a coy smile. “Get you a drink?”
The bartender put my pink cocktail down in front of me and then turned to the other faces at the bar, all jostling for attention like a gaggle of baby birds crying out for worms from their momma.
Nice Smile Man looked at the drink and then back at me, “Ha, guess not!”
I leaned in and shouted into his ear so he could hear me.
“I’ll have a drink with you, but it’s too loud in here! ”
He nodded and then pointed his head toward the end of the bar. Hopping off my bar stool, we walked through the thronging crowd to the door at the end and stepped out into the beer garden out back, welcoming the cooler air.
“This place is pretty wild,” I told him, breathing a sigh of relief at having escaped the throng of noise and people.
“Yeah, gets that way,” he said, smiling bashfully.
He was maybe half a foot taller than me, dressed in a casual black shirt, blue jeans, and black cowboy boots, matching his thick dark hair and brown eyes.
“Jessie,” he told me, holding out a hand as if we were in a business meeting.
I don’t know why I did it, but I paused for a second before answering him with, “Kensy.”
What the hell was that, Sarah? Even if you were going to give him a pretend name, don’t make it your best friends.
“Cool.” Jessie replied, taking a long sip of his beer and watching me with his vibrant eyes, “Haven’t seen you here before. New in town?”
“That’s right, came in with the breeze.”
Weird Sarah, no one talks like that.
“Ah, like a storm?”
“Could be,” I teased, running my finger around the edge of my glass and looking up at him.
Oh God, you’re flirting with him… He is sort of hot though… Small, dark, and handsome… And normal, an actual normal person…
“So, what? You ran away from the ball?”
I froze. How could he know that?
“The dress I mean,” his eyes pointed to what I was wearing, “It looks like you just came from some kind of ball or something. ”
“Oh. I guess I just felt a little extravagant tonight,” I replied, relieved.
A group of hyped-up girls came whooping past us, their cigarette break over as they went back to the party, knocking my drink from my hand without noticing or stopping.
“Oh, shoot!” Jessie said, as we both looked down at the pink mess around my feet.
I sighed and told him, “I don’t want to go back in there.”
“Me either,” he replied, looking deep into my eyes.