30. The Ring
30
THE RING
Hayden
Everything was blurred. I didn’t even know what I was doing exactly. All I knew when I pushed my way out of City Hall was that I had to find her .
I grabbed my keys from the concierge and headed out to Sarah’s home first. Where else would she go? The truth is, I had no idea. But it was the only place I could think to start.
The lights were on as I pulled up outside and jogged up to her door, banging on it with my fist until I heard footsteps approach.
“Who is it?”
“It’s me,” I said through the door, my heart pounding.
“Um, Sarah’s not here.”
I sighed painfully. “Yeah. Okay. I get it. Look, I don’t know what Cara did tonight, but you have to know that, after you left, I realized the only person I wanted there was you.
Sarah, I don’t know what’s happening. But for some reason, I can’t shake… I think you’re the most special person th at might ever have come into my life. And yeah, I know how that sounds. And I know I keep messing it up. But I don’t want to mess it up anymore. I want to… I just… I just want you.
I can’t help it and I can’t stop it. I’m either thinking about you or dreaming about you. And yeah, I know you think I’m this big, strong, rich fantasy, but I’m so much more than that. I just have to hide it. All the damn time. If I don’t, I’ll get eaten alive by all these people in my world. But it never feels like that with you.”
I waited for her to speak, the rocks piling up in my stomach. Then the lock turned in the door and it crept open. I looked up at her face and recoiled at the woman in curlers standing in the doorway.
“So, yeah. Like I said, Sarah’s not here,” Kensy said.
Fuck.
“I need to find her. Please, help me.”
“Okay. Well, let’s not do this in the street, come inside Hayden.”
I followed her inside, my feelings softening at seeing the inside of Sarah’s apartment again. I already had already memories tied up in that place. That sofa, the kitchen, her bedroom. She got her phone and held it up to her ear.
“Okay. She’s not picking up. What happened exactly?”
“I don’t know. Cara maybe did or said something to her. She just disappeared.”
“Oh, Cara? Yeah, she gave Sarah the stick when we came over the other night.”
“Wait. You came to my place?”
“Uh-huh. Sarah came to tell you she’d come to the ball with you, but then Cara answered and after that, we left pretty sharpish. ”
“Cara didn’t tell me about that. Of course, she didn’t tell me!”
Kensy stared at me with a sympathetic look. I wasn’t used to people looking at me like that and I felt embarrassed by it.
“Look,” she said, pondering the situation, “If it was me. Well, I’d either go home and cry it out, or I’d take myself to the nearest bar and try and shake it off. Where else is there to go at this time?”
“Do you know what bar?”
“Any place is as good as any other, I’d say. Probably not somewhere I’d be noticed by anyone I knew, though.”
“Somewhere between here and the ball then,” I jumped up, ready to leap into action. “You coming?”
Kensy looked at me ruefully. “I want to. I really do. But I think this one you have to do alone, Hayden. Just promise me something.”
“Okay. What is it?”
“Really mean it, okay? Sarah’s not someone to play with. She’s terrified you’re going to walk into her life and ruin it. If you want to find her, it has to be real. None of this Hellraiser bullshit.”
“Fair. And trust me, that’s a promise I can keep.”
The first two bars I stopped at were a bust. I was starting to lose hope that I would ever find her as I pulled up to The Jackalope. Would she come here? It looked kind of wild.
The great thing about being my size is that you can see most people in a crowd at a glance. My eyes swung over the bar and she wasn’t there. But then, just as I was ready to turn and leave, I saw the door at the back of the bar swing open and I caught the vivid shimmer of a dress I recognized. The one she had been wearing. And there she was. Outside, staring gooey-eyed at some guy. My stomach grumbled with anxiety.
“Hayden Raynor!” someone suddenly yelled at me, drawing looks my way.
“Out my way,” I growled at him.
I was there for one thing. Her .
As I made my way across the room, the door swung open again. Sarah’s head turned casually away from that short guy and her eyes widened in recognition as she glimpsed me. She was so small and beautiful that it made my guts rumble again. Damnit, I could skate out in front of thousands of people, cameras, photographers, hockey bunnies, and superstars, but out here I was nervous. This wasn’t a battle of strength and sweat and power. I had all the tools for that. This was about feelings, and I felt woefully under-prepared. No. You got this Hayden, go get the girl.
She watched me as I pushed my way through the crowd to her, people all around jostling and grabbing at me. Hayden Raynor’s here! Hey, Hellraiser!
Forcing my way through the wild-eyed crowd, finally I made it and stood in front of Sarah. I might’ve been 6’ 8” but at that moment I felt tiny in her presence. My mouth opened, but no words came out.
“Hayden?” Her soft words reached me. “What are you doing here?”
I gulped hard, feeling my skin redden, my bravado turning to weakness.
“I came… For you,” I managed to say, suddenly overcome with shyness.
She gave me a puzzled look back. I knew I would have to elaborate, but now I was faced with her, I didn’t know how to. The voices continued to hum around us, but they felt like they were in a different place entirely. Hayden, have a drink with me! I love you, Hayden! Hey, sign my beer!
Back in my first game for the Ice-Hawks, I’d had rocks in my stomach the whole game. All the things I knew how to do were somehow stifled and slow and difficult. I did okay perhaps, but I knew I wasn’t there to do “okay”. Late into the third period, Coach Brady called a time-out at fifty-seven minutes with the scores at 2-2.
“Hayden, you’re out there for the next rush.”
He’d looked me straight in the eye, like we were the only two people in that arena of noise, and then told me, “Listen, kid. Block it all out and let everything feel loose. You’re overthinking it, trying too hard. Do what’s natural and the rest will come.”
Suddenly, I’d felt calm. The fans, the lights, the emotion, the fear in my guts, it was all just noise. At the fifty-ninth minute, their right-winger fumbled a pass, and I was on him like a shot, putting him down on the ice and rolling like a steam train over the blue line. I’d exchanged two quick passes with Solly without even thinking about it, faced up their goaltender, and then the whole stadium had erupted.
Now, stood there in front of Sarah, in the game of a lifetime, I closed my eyes and took a long, deep breath. The bar drifted away, the hands pulling on my sleeve. Whoever that guy with her was. The feeling of impending failure. None of it existed. Only her. Only this.
“Sarah. Since I met you, my world has been a mess. I can’t explain it, except that when I’m with you, I don’t feel lost anymore. There’s no one in this whole world that sees me like you do. It only seems to make sense with you. And without you, it’s making me go crazy.”
The hands stopped grabbing at me and the voices around us quietened, except for one who yelled, “Hey! Stop the music!”
Those gorgeous soft eyes that made my chest throb looked up at me as she spoke.
“Hayden. Since you came into my life, I’ve been losing everything. It scares me that none of this is real. That, even though it’s what I want, what’s waiting for me at the end is only going to be painful.”
My breath beat harder. I couldn’t give this up.
“You’re not the only one who’s scared, Sarah. I’m terrified of this. For me. For Maiden. Every time a woman comes into our lives, everything gets worse.”
“Maybe it’s just your choice in women, Hayden?” She shot back at me.
I loved it when she looked at me and those small crinkles at the edge of her beautiful eyes made the world feel suddenly soft and light.
“Could be,” I smiled back. “But when I’m not with you, I’m thinking of you, and when I’m with you, it’s the only time I feel real.”
Sarah took a step toward me and, as she did so, I put my hand in my pocket, my fingers finding their way around the edges of the ring. Her ring.
She’d told me about it the first time we met. Even then, when I didn’t know what would come next, I’d wanted to get it back to her.
Finding it wasn’t hard. I figured she would’ve used a pawn shop close to either her work or home. Out of the three, the second one had remembered the lady and knew the ring I meant. Two days ago, the day after I’d left her apartment, I’d gone and picked it up.
I tried to block out all the hushed faces that now stood watching us. The glow of the camera phones. The space between us that I desperately wanted to close.
Sarah put her hand on my shoulder. Her eyes were mesmeric, and I looked fearfully for the answer in them and saw it. And that’s right when I fumbled the ring…
Sarah
My heart was racing, and not just because of Hayden stood there pouring his heart out. The tequila was running thick in my blood now and blurring my emotions. The next thing I knew, Hayden was down on one knee and, when he looked up again, in his hands he was holding up a ring between his fingers. There was a gasp around the room. Mine included.
He looked shocked at the reaction around him and began protesting, “Oh, no! No, this isn’t that …”
My eyes focused in on the ring in his hand, and then my surprise turned to recognition, “Wait, is that…”
He stared at me with those hazel puppy dog eyes as I reached out to it and soft tears rose in my eyes. My Grandma’s ring. It couldn’t be. I looked back at him in astonishment. Watching this huge man on his knees, vulnerable and offering himself, holding the one thing I couldn’t imagine.
“Do you really mean it, Hayden?”
His expression was so fragile, yet intense. His words seeming to come from deep within his heart.
“Even on that first terrible date, it was there. I tried to deny it, but I couldn’t shake it. Ever since then, I always felt like I had to find my way back to you. I want to find out more than anything, Sarah. If you can give me a chance, I promise I’ll give it everything I have. And that’s the truth.”
I gulped while he waited down on his knee for my answer. And it wasn’t just me. The whole bar seemed to suck in the air and were now hushed and waiting anxiously for my response.
Which is right when my stomach turned. Hayden’s expression turned to puzzlement as my eyes and cheeks bulged. And then, in that almost perfect moment, I threw up.