Chapter Twenty-One
~Justin’s POV~
People were chanting while I waited in line at the concession stand with Toby on Sunday. The distance to the bleachers at least allowed me to still hear as we waited for our drinks and snacks. I rubbed at my face, sleep pulling at me as my sore exhausted body ached with every movement I made.
I’d gone hard this past week. Swam every chance I got. And after fucking up as hard as I did on Thursday, I went even harder. I kept seeing Cadence’s furious expression when she stood in my bedroom doorway. That morning I couldn’t sleep, so I took an old bike and snuck into the school’s pool and spent the day there, needing to empty out my head. I didn’t even notice the time passing. Then I saw all the texts.
But it was already too late. Everyone was pissed.
Cadence especially.
Guilt gnawed at me. I tried to wrack my brain for a moment this past week where I held an actual conversation with anyone.
I hadn’t.
I’d wake up early, swim. Go to my classes. Swim after school until I got kicked out. Saw my dad and watched him slowly die then passed out at home in a restless sleep. And repeated it the next day. The days were starting to blur a little bit.
Even now, we were at half-time at Paxon’s state championship, and I couldn’t even remember a single moment of the game.
“Hey!” Toby elbowed my side.
“What?” I grumbled.
“Wake up and help me carry this shit.” His arms were already full of drinks.
I took half the load and followed behind him, but then Toby paused and turned to me, his impatient eyes glowering at me.
“How much longer?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
His eyebrow nearly disappeared in his hairline with how far he raised it. “How long are you going to keep us away? How long until we can help you?”
My shoulders slumped. “I don’t need help,” I said in a lower voice. It sounded stupid even to me.
“Right. Because everything is going swimmingly with you.”
I grimaced at that.
“Keep this up, and you won’t make it to swim season at school. You won’t be able to do shit because you’re being dumb right now.”
“I’m not being dumb. I just have a lot on my mind.”
“And you’re not letting us help you. Again. You do this a lot, you know that. Shit happens and you go silent on us while you mull it around. And it never works. But it’s different this time. You can’t do that.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You pounded Benji’s face in.” Toby let loose a quick grin but then went back to staring at me all seriously. A serious Toby always meant shit was bad. “You did what we all wanted to do. What we were all about to do. You were just faster. And frankly, while I’m sure people are upset with you, I’m glad you did. That little turd needed to be reminded that it isn’t okay to run his mouth like that. But now you’re mulling over that. And Cadence. And your dad. That’s a lot to think about.”
“I fucked up with Cadence.”
“You did. And you’re still fucking up. Every day you keep acting like this, you’re fucking up. I think you need to find out how much longer you plan to keep fucking up.” Toby turned and headed back.
I stared at his back for a moment before forcing myself to follow him.
Yeah, I was screwing everything up right now. But I also didn’t know how to stop doing it either. I just wanted all these thoughts to end. I wanted to stop feeling what it felt like to unleash all my anger and frustration out on Benji. How good and bad it felt to hurt him. To stop seeing Dad’s gaunt face. To stop feeling like I was becoming just like him. I wanted to be able to close my eyes and feel peace.
I just wasn’t so sure how to do that.
I gripped the drinks in my hand tighter, stopping myself from reaching out to Toby.