Chapter Twenty-Two
Justin stayed away from me all weekend. Even through Paxon’s championship. Unfortunately, they lost, but not without a really good fight. It was heartbreaking. Paxon was uplifting though, saying taking second place was still a massive achievement and that seemed to help psych the team up to accept that they had an amazing season and gave it their all.
Justin also kept to himself all week. The guys kept trying to talk to him. And then they tried to get me to tell them what was going on. The tension between us was evident, but I wasn’t going to cave. I told him I’d give him space, and so I was, and this time, since I knew he wanted to act like there was no one around him to support him, I let him. I could only help someone who wanted it, and the current Justin didn’t want it. He wanted to disappear.
So I let him.
Even if it tore me up inside.
Dr. Arason asked me all kinds of questions on Tuesday. Questions I didn’t know how to answer. And others that made me realize I was being petty. But I wanted to be petty. Once again, Dr. Arason was able to put it in better perspective for me. Justin had truly hurt me when he disappeared. He hit all the wrong buttons and had sent me over the edge into a whirlwind of crazy emotions that I hadn’t handled too well.
He disappeared. Disappearing wasn’t something I could handle, but I wasn’t sure how to share these feelings with him. With any of them. I had hoped they’d understand the way my dad left.
Emotions and thoughts and human psych made no sense to me, even when it was all supposed to feel like it was common sense.
After my session with Dr. Arason, the sharp anger dulled into something floppy and weak. I wasn’t even all that angry anymore. I was just sad. And worried. But it was obvious Justin wasn’t ready to talk about anything. He was trying to swim away from something. Sometimes, it felt like he was trying to swim away from me.
Before I knew it, Friday was here and nothing had changed. During lunch, I stared at Justin. He pretended not to notice. Then I did the same during study hall at the end of the day. I got no work done, but he certainly did. More than I even knew he had to do.
“Justin,” I whispered, tired of this game, only five minutes left until the bell rang and he’d take off on me. How long until it was too much space? Maybe he needed to talk to someone like I did with Dr. Arason to help pull him out before he drowned in all that extra space he was getting.
He didn’t look up at me.
I lightly nudged his leg with my foot.
He still chose to ignore me. Even Paxon was frowning now, worried.
I sighed. “Paxon, you’re still busy after school?”
“Yeah. It’s our final celebration for soccer. Last goodbyes and all that, especially for the seniors.”
“Oh.” I tapped the table and glanced at Justin again. As far as I knew, he didn’t have swimming tonight. Granted, that didn’t stop him from spending both mornings and after school there. We never saw him until classes started and then he was gone as soon as they ended. Most likely, he’d go there again to swim during the open pool slot.
“Bryan has to go home after school. Toby has a doctor’s appointment. Seth is still working,” I mumbled. Everyone was busy.
“What’s going on?” Paxon asked. “Do you need to do something?”
Finally, Justin looked up at me. I looked away from him.
“It’s nothing big,” I said. “I just didn’t want to go alone.”
“Your dad?” Justin finally said something.
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Dad had been messaging me all week and he finally told me yesterday that he had come back. I hadn’t expected that and still didn’t really believe it. But he wanted to see me, and I was trying. I really was.
Dr. Arason would be happy to hear that he had returned. It proved her right and me wrong, not that she’d ever say that to me. She’d be nicer about it, more therapist-y about the response, but the barebones of it would be that he did return. My fears were unfounded. And she was right. I needed to keep pushing past my fears, so that meant going to meet my dad.
“Yeah, I’m meeting him after school. I hate meeting him alone.” The bell finally rang. I stood and gathered my things. “I’ll see you guys later.”
“Cadence?” Paxon asked. “I can skip out.”
I shook my head. “No, enjoy this last meet-up with your team. You deserve it.” I hiked up my bag and headed to my locker.
Micah was waiting there for me, grinning big.
Thankfully, we had quickly made up, especially after I filled him in on what had happened with Benji during the celebration picnic. He had even wanted to hunt Benji down himself. I was barely able to stop him.
And now we were back to being best friends.
Which meant he was over the top happy and as his best friend, that was my cue to get him talking and sharing whatever good news made him look like he had won an award.
“What’s with that look?” I asked.
“There’s no look,” he said.
I poked at his eyebrow. “There is definitely a look. What are you up to? Did you finally talk Hazel into going on a date?”
His excitement only increased as his grin widened. “How did you know?”
“I’m a little hurt. Of course I know.” I shoved everything I needed into my bag. “I need to head out and meet my dad.”
His smile finally faltered into something a bit more serious. Maybe with too much worry. “Did you find someone to go with you?”
I shook my head. “No. But it’s fine. I’m just meeting with my dad.”
“Cadence.”
“Micah.” I stuck my tongue out at him, getting a smile from him. “I’ll be fine. He’s finally back in town, so there’s that at least. That’s a good step, right? A positive.”
“A huge positive. Before Thanksgiving too. Good. Otherwise, I would have had to hunt him down and beat him up.”
I laughed. “I’m sure that would have gone over well. I’ll see you later.”
“Call me after, I’ll answer. And remember, you have us for Thanksgiving. And if your dad really cares, he’ll come too instead of trying to drag you away from us.”
I swallowed hard. “I know.” I gave him a quick hug and headed out to the parking lot.
My little car ended up wedged between a van and a truck, so I didn’t see Justin right away. He stood waiting by my car, staring down at the ground, his bag by his feet.
“Justin?” I asked.
His head snapped up. “You didn’t ask me.”
“Oh.” I glanced at my car. “Did you want to come with me?” Unsurety made my question come out hesitantly. I really hadn’t been expecting him there.
“Yeah.”
Nothing about his response gave anything away. Just like for the last two weeks, he was completely closed off. “Okay.” I unlocked my car and we got in.
I headed toward the cafe shop that I used to go to a lot with Dad when I was a kid. It ended up becoming that space for us to meet and talk. Last time I was there with him, it didn’t go so well and there was a chance today wouldn’t go well either.
Dad had been making so many steps to reenter my life, but I didn’t know where to put him in it. So much of what I had now, I had to figure out on my own without him. I even bought a house on my own without the help of any parents. What seventeen-year-old bought houses? Now he wanted to be a part of my life again.
I just didn’t know what to do with him. And it felt like it was the same for him too. We didn’t know what we wanted from each other, but we wanted to find out.
I was scared shitless though that he was going to be gone just as quickly as he arrived. That this was all a dream and once again I was going to find myself back on stage singing in hopes that he was out there listening.
I tapped at the wheel as my nerves rose again and that ugly monster I called Doubt whispered sweet ugliness into my thoughts. It was almost too hard to breathe with how all my fears seemed to be trying to hold me back. It’d be so easy to push Dad away. It was more of a fight to not do it.
“Justin,” I said, gripping my steering wheel. He sat in the car with me. He was in touching distance, and yet, I’d never felt so alone.
“Yeah?”
“Are you here with me?” I asked.
“I’m sitting right here.” Frustration slipped into his voice.
I gritted my teeth as I sat up straighter, ready to get defensive. “Sure, but what about inside your head? You’ve been gone for two weeks. Isn’t that why you’re not swimming right now? Because you’ve been banned from the swimming pool, spending too much time there. Becoming reckless.”
“How do you know about that?” He actually sounded surprised.
I sent him a glare. “I didn’t. I only made a guess. Otherwise, you’d be at the swimming pool. But I also do pay attention. I’m not so self-centered that I wouldn’t know you were being an idiot.”
“The guys told you,” he grumbled.
“No, they didn’t. Lillian told me today in class. About how you were an idiot during swimming practice and nearly hurting yourself. That your swim coach had gone there to make sure everything was locked up yesterday and you were still there. That he had to kick you out.”
“So that’s why you didn’t ask me.”
I squeezed the wheel. “I need the Justin who can be with me right here in the present while I go to talk to my dad. But you can’t be him right now. So no, I wasn’t going to ask you.”
“You can rely on me.”
“I know. I never said I couldn’t.”
“You should have asked me.” Anger slipped into his voice.
“Why would I ask the guy who swims like he’s an idiot, willing to hurt himself? I refuse to unload my shit on you while you deal with your own shit.”
I pulled into the parking lot and turned off the car. Justin didn’t reply. I turned to him. He was staring straight ahead, hands in a fist on his lap.
“Justin.” I softened my voice, trying to swallow my own disappointment. “Wait out here. I shouldn’t be too long, then I’ll drop you off at home.”
“You got hurt.”
I was going to get out when he finally spoke. I stopped moving. “What?”
He blew out a breath. “I know.” He lifted his hands and unclenched them. “I know better than many what violence does to people. And yet I still did that. And because of it, you ended up getting hurt. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. I can’t stop thinking about it. The scene just keeps playing over and over again in my head. Benji. Hitting him. Seeing you hurt afterward.”
“I can’t say I agree with what you did with Benji. Maybe he was asking for it. Either way, I can’t agree with violence. But I think that goes without saying. What happened to me though was genuinely an accident. Nothing you had any control over.”
“If I didn’t throw a punch at Benji, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.”
“Well, stay here and think about why that statement is so stupid. I’ll be back.” I climbed out of the car. As I closed the door, I rolled my shoulders, trying to release some of the tension in me.
Before I could walk away, Justin climbed out. “I’m sorry, Cadence. I’m here. I’m present.”
I gave him a sharp nod and then turned to look at the building. I could see Dad in the window, reading something on his phone, a coffee cup sitting in front of him.
Justin reached out and firmly clasped my hand, as if to prove himself. His lips formed a tight smile that hinted at a mixture of emotions I didn’t have time to unravel. With a silent understanding, he guided me inside, weaving through the crowded people waiting for their drinks. The atmosphere was uplifting, but nerve wracking at the same time. The subtle pressure of Justin’s grip reassured me as we got into line.
“Want to wait with me, or go sit with your dad?” Justin asked, his blue eyes filled with understanding. He was giving me an opportunity to waste time before facing my dad.
My gaze shifted to Dad, who had turned his attention toward us, curiosity in his expression.
I sighed, tempted to stay by Justin’s side just a bit longer. “I’ll go sit with him. Get me a vanilla chai latte, please?”
“Of course.” Justin leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss on my cheek, the warmth of his gesture lingering as he reassured me. It was such a boyfriend move, and yet I hadn’t expected it. “You’ll be okay.”
A slight warmth rose within me, accepting his support. He was easily proving that he was here with me now and not lost in his head. That meant the world to me. “I know. You’re here.”
After pulling on all of the meager confidence I had inside of me, I went over to Dad. The scent of coffee and the murmur of conversations surrounded me as I took a seat across from him.
“Cadence.” He smiled, but then his eyes quickly fixated on the light bruising on my jaw. Nearly two weeks gave it time to almost heal, but there was still some discoloration there. It was so light that I didn’t expect him to pick up on it so quickly or at all. His smile shifted into worry. “How did you get that?”
“An unfortunate accident a couple weekends ago,” I said nonchalantly, downplaying what had happened. “It’s almost gone.”
He definitely didn’t believe me as his frown deepened and his lips pressed together briefly in dissatisfaction. “What really happened?” he pressed, his eyes searching mine for the truth.
“Dad, I’m serious. This was only an accident. Someone fell on top of me and accidentally hit me when he was trying to get back up. That’s all.”
Dad’s jaw tightened momentarily before he released a controlled breath. “Okay.” He reached for his drink. “I’m back.”
“I can see that.”
He grimaced, a hint of vulnerability breaking through.
I suppressed a sigh, feeling bad for being so curt with him. He deserved better than that from me, and the weight of that realization settled heavily in my chest.
“I know I may have sprung it on you, but I wanted to know if you’d consider spending Thanksgiving with me.”
“In Vegas?”
“Yes.”
“Why?” I asked. “I mean, why invite me now to go there?”
“I want to share my life with you. And I thought with everything that has been happening, it’d be a nice change for you. I’d love to spend the holidays with you.”
“I don’t feel comfortable with that,” I admitted. “I still don’t…” I couldn’t find the right words.
“I’m still too much of a stranger,” Dad offered, understanding my fumbling hesitation.
I slowly nodded. “I’m sorry.”
Dad swallowed hard. “Don’t be. I’m just trying to find time to spend with you.”
“Micah invited me to dinner with his family. I’ve decided to go there.”
Dad’s hurt expression nearly broke me. “Oh. I see.”
“Um. He also said you can come too. We’re both invited.”
“Oh.”
Was that all he had to say? Oh? His subdued response sent a pang of frustration through me. I was giving him an alternative, something more comfortable. We could still celebrate together, but not alone together. Yet, that wasn’t enough for him? The conversation was beginning to feel like it was hanging in an uneasy balance, ready to crumble at any moment.
“Here,” Justin said, putting my drink down in front of me. He sat down in the chair next to me and took a sip of his own drink as he casually rested his arm on the back of my chair.
Dad stared at him for a few moments before finally focusing back on me.
“Will you come?” I asked.
“I’ll have to let you know,” Dad finally responded. “I’m not so sure. Wouldn’t they feel awkward if I came?”
“Why?”
“I don’t know them.”
I tilted my head at Justin. “He’s invited too. And his aunt. They don’t really know each other either. Micah’s mom is looking forward to having more people there. Apparently, they’re used to bigger family meals for Thanksgiving, but they don’t have family here.”
“Maybe. I’ll have to think it over.”
Dad’s response was heavy. Was it too much to ask for him to spend the holiday here with me instead of in Vegas? The worry surfaced—if I didn’t go with him, would he still go back home and leave me here?
Justin’s hand rested on my knee, offering a comforting squeeze. I instinctively grabbed his hand, taking all the support I could.
“Think about it?” I asked, my question almost coming out more like a plea.
Dad stood up. “I will. I need to go meet with someone now, but I’ll call you later?”
I frowned at his abruptness. “Okay.”
It didn’t feel like I could breathe again until Dad was gone. I grabbed my cup and took a deep drink to warm my cold insides. Unease settled in me as I wrapped my mind around his sudden exit. Did I just scare him away?
“Are you okay?” Justin asked.
“Confused. A little scared.”
“He didn’t give you a no.”
I turned my cup, staring at the label. “But he didn’t give me a yes either. He ran away instead.”
Justin jumped a little in his seat.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
He pulled his phone out and looked down at it, his eyes widening. “The hospital.” He jumped to his feet as he answered. “Yeah.”
He listened briefly, his eyes bugging out. When he hung up, face paling right before my eyes, he said, “My dad had a heart attack.”
I’d thought Justin was back with me, but he looked lost all over again.
I stood, already moving to my car. “Let’s go.”