Chapter 40 Clara
I HAVE AN EMPTY HOLE in my chest that feels a lot like grief.
Like something’s been taken from me without a proper goodbye and I’m full of regrets and things I wish I’d done differently. There are things I wish I’d said, things I wish I’d seen through, conversations I wish I’d revisited.
But it’s over now. I’m back in my empty apartment, in my busy city, for my important job.
Well, I’m not doing my important job today, because I called out sick for the first time in my professional career.
I might not be sick in the traditional sense, but I feel sick every time I think about someone at work asking me about my time away.
But it’s over now, like I said.
My cell phone lights up again but I ignore it. I told everyone that I won’t be checking my emails or be available for work questions and four people have texted and called me so far to see if I’m on the brink of death.
Max called twice, then texted to say Mom let him know that I’m home and ask if I wanted to grab lunch.
I texted him back to say I’m sick and tossed my cell phone to the other end of the couch where it couldn’t annoy me anymore.
That lasted two minutes before I had it back at my side, just in case a call came through that I might want to answer.
God, being a depressed bitch doesn’t suit me. I don’t know what to do with myself other than mope and eat. Daytime TV has gone downhill and I’ve learned Mr. Eighties Perm likes to play Phil Collins during the afternoon too.
I could go for a walk but trying to get anywhere in the city in December is like trying to walk through Jell-O.
It might be the only time of year where tourists outnumber the rats.
It’s funny how I’ve gone from wishing for more visitors in Fraser Falls to wishing people would stay home so I can pick up a Sweetgreen in peace.
Food is the thing on my mind when my doorbell rings and I have to question if I’ve ordered takeout and forgotten about it. The woman on my doorstep is holding a bag of food but it definitely isn’t something I requested.
“Wow, you look like total shit,” Honor says, eyeing me up and down.
I rest my head against my door. The coolness soothes the subtle ache I’ve had in my head since I woke up. “Remind me why we’re friends again?”
She holds up the brown paper bag. “Because I brought you tomato soup and the ingredients to make you a grilled cheese.”
I stand out of her way and let her in. “Yeah, that’s a good enough reason for me. I’ve missed you.”
She traps me in a tight hug. “I can’t believe you’re not just someone who lives inside my phone screen.”
The noise of someone else in my space is an immediate comfort. I can’t believe how quickly I’ve gone from being content living alone, to listening to every creak and groan my apartment makes. It feels too cold and empty and right now I wish I hadn’t bought it.
“You going to give me a rundown on why you look so miserable to be home?” she says, pulling the container of soup out of the bag. She grabs a grill pan from the wall and sets it on the stove. “I’d like the long version. I have nowhere to be and you look like you need to talk about it.”
I sit at the breakfast bar and rest my chin on the backs of my hands. Honor multitasks cooking and listening, eyes widening when I reveal that I’ve been messing around with Jack. I move past it quickly, recapping all the things she’s already heard about, like my plan to win everyone over.
My grilled cheese is done by the time I reach the argument. I pick at the corner of the bread when I tell her what he said, what I said, how much I cried afterward. The too-quick visits to people that felt more like a handover than a goodbye. The shame I felt all the way home.
“He’s a dick, you know that, right?” she says when I’m finally done. “He’s pissed off on behalf of people who aren’t even pissed. What’s with that?”
I shrug. “He thinks it’s his duty to protect everyone. Take over some legacy from his grandfather who was like the ultimate protective, helpful neighbor. His dad was a flake and Jack acted out as a teenager and now he just carries this weight , like a guilt, and nobody stops him.”
“Striving to be their grandfather to undo the behavior of a shitty father. Where have I heard that one before?” Honor looks at me like she’s waiting for me to realize.
I know what she’s saying, but I don’t think it’s the same at all.
“Come on, Clara. You don’t think you two were drawn to each other because you’re the same person in different fonts? ”
I shake my head. “I really don’t. I don’t jump to false conclusions like he does, for starters.”
“Oh, really? Tell me more about how you think Max has been given your promotion.”
The crust of my bread is now just a pile of crumbs on my plate. “Not the same thing. He puts everything on hold to do things for other people, often to his own detriment.”
Honor’s perfectly preened eyebrows quirk.
“Bitch, you just moved to the middle of fucking nowhere to try to save a town you’re not even from.
How’s that for putting everything on hold?
You’re not going to win this argument, I know you too well, and I’m telling you.
You and that man are cut from the same cloth. You just handle things differently.”
“Yeah, he handles things like a jerk.”
I feel foolish to be this broken up over something that was supposed to be casual, no-strings fun. I’m not supposed to care about anything other than the fact I achieved what I went there to do. I helped the town and I helped the company by having the videos taken down.
I’ve never felt so utterly disappointed by achieving my objective.
Honor pins me with a look. One I know, from years of friendship, means she’s about to tell me something I don’t want to hear.
“You knew how he felt about your job when you started fucking him. Do I think him not wanting to hear anything is childish as hell? Yes, I do. Do I think his reaction to the toys was fair? Maybe a tiny little bit.”
Honor casually confirming my fear that I was in the wrong is the cherry on top of a terrible day. “You’re kidding.”
“I don’t like saying it.”
My skin prickles as an uncomfortable anxious feeling settles in the pit of my stomach. “What was I supposed to do? I wasn’t supposed to buy them off. I was supposed to let kids go without?”
“You could’ve donated anonymously, babe. They’d have known it was you but what were they going to do? Anonymous is anonymous. It’s okay to be proud of the toys your family company sells, but I think if you’d really thought about it, you’d have seen that reaction coming.”
“And my last annual review said I’m good at solving problems before they occur. Where?”
“Listen, I think the way he talked to you about your promotion was not okay. It’s his own fault he didn’t know, and you’d have told him if he’d asked, right?
” I nod. It was never a secret. “But I get him being concerned about the message sending out thousands of dollars’ worth of Davenport toys gives after they literally stole his product.
You know I don’t lie to you, even when it’s what you don’t want to hear. ”
I want to say But everyone else was fine with it over and over but I’ve always felt like the betrayal from Davenport bruised Jack more than it bruised everyone else. It was his design, he does the majority of the work, and it was him who was approached about the small business program.
“All this over two dolls,” I say, echoing what Honor said to me right at the beginning.
“I don’t know why they don’t just get rid of the Evie doll. It’s so cheap looking compared to the one from Fraser Falls—is her name Holly? Paloma has that many damn toys. Obviously, her Clara doll will always be her favorite.”
I smile for the first time today. “Because she has good taste. I wish they would but they won’t. If it makes them money it stays. No matter who it hurts.”
I don’t know when I started saying them instead of us . I feel so mentally disconnected from everything Davenport brand. I clear my throat. “I don’t think I’m appreciated at work.”
Honor covers her mouth with her hand while she chews her grilled cheese.
“I’ve been telling you that for years. You’re not appreciated.
I don’t think it’s normal to be made to jump through so many hoops in different departments to work in the one department you’re passionate about.
Why do you need to know how to handle a crisis to make kids’ toys? ”
“Probably for the same reason my dad made me study business instead of design.” I push my plates away, my appetite suddenly nonexistent. “I don’t know what to do.”
Honor wipes her hands on a napkin and dabs her mouth. “You need to work out what makes you happy, then cling to it like your life depends on it. Maybe you need to go back to Fraser Falls and get real closure.”
“Yeah, that’s one thing I can say for certain I won’t be doing.
Jack might’ve acquired a pitchfork in the time I’ve been gone.
Hey, should I buy a big plot of land in the middle of nowhere and we can just live on it with Paloma?
You can be one of those online nurses who web-chats with people about their rashes and stuff.
I’ll start a business of some kind doing something that doesn’t make me feel like I’m losing my mind. ”
Honor looks disgusted. “In my fantasy life, I don’t have a job. The fact that you work in your delusions should be a concern for you. I’ll be your sugar baby.”
It’s funny, because what I don’t say is that even in my daydreams I still work at Davenport in some capacity. It used to involve a great view on a high floor but now it looks more like a Davenport Toy Emporium franchise in a cozy town.
My heartbeat falters when my phone lights up beside me. It’s Max again. “My brother keeps calling me to meet up.”
“Answer it,” Honor says.
“I’m not sure I can deal with any more disappointment today.”
Honor rolls her eyes. “Just pick up the phone and stop being dramatic.”
Tough love sounds great until you’re the one on the receiving end. “Hi,” I say, putting my cell phone to my ear.
“Have you always been this difficult to reach or are you avoiding my calls?” he says, sounding out of breath.
“What’re you doing?”
“I’m at the gym. Don’t change the subject. Why are you dodging me?” he asks. Wow, if only I could handle being as direct with him as he is with me. “I know you are.”
“I’m sick.” Honor rolls her eyes again. Getting attacked from all angles, jeez.
“Bullshit, Clara. Meet me for breakfast tomorrow before you go to the office. I’ll send you the location.”
Can’t believe I’m being bullied into being an adult by my younger brother. My life really is going to shit. “Fine. See you tomorrow.”
Max ends the call and I put my phone back on the counter. Honor is leaning against her hand looking smug. “Now, was that really so bad?”
“Yes,” I mumble like a spoiled child.
Honor smiles and pushes my food back toward me. “Shush now and eat your food. You need your energy to spend a huge amount of one-on-one time with your family this week.”