Chapter 27 Payton
PAYTON
Weeks passed with no word from Tucker.
There was no word from anyone.
I rolled onto my side and stared out the window.
A watery sunrise raced across the floor and crept toward my bed.
I groaned and dragged the covers up to my chin. I had no desire to leave the bed. No desire for anything.
Devastation became my sole emotion. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
Cold wrapped around me, and a shiver rattled my bones. I breathed out a cloud of white.
An explosion hammered my senses.
I watched as Mav flew through the air like a ragdoll. I ran toward him, but my feet stuck in the snow. Every step forward sent me backward.
I flailed my arms and screamed Mav’s name.
I woke with a jolt, my entire body heaving the remnants of my scream. My throat ached.
Tears crashed down my face in a sheet that left me shuddering in the bed with the covers pooled around my waist.
I’d had nightmares since coming home, but that had to be the worst one of all.
No matter how hard I tried to reach them in my dreams, I never made it. They were lost to me. I covered my eyes and sobbed.
Part of me had expected Tucker to call me by now.
If nothing else, I expected confirmation that he’d found their bodies. The lack of communication took away the last of my hope.
They were dead.
An image of Tarron falling backward blasted through my mind. I screamed and leaped from the bed. Was nothing sacred?
Could I not have a single minute without pain and heartbreak, without the image of them dying stealing the life from me?
I’d never wanted to die before, but I did now. Losing them took all the joy from my life.
I paced to the window.
Leaning forward, I gripped the thick curtains on either side of the window and leaned my forehead on the cool glass.
New York traffic rolled past on the street.
Everything looked blurry from up here, the people so small they reminded me of ants.
My doorbell pealed, and a knock followed. “Payton? It’s Lisa. Can I come in?”
I eyed my bedroom and wrinkled my nose.
Dirty clothes covered the floor, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d showered.
I grabbed a silk robe and threw it across my shoulders, knotting it around my waist.
Lisa knocked again. “You have five seconds to answer or I’m using best friend privileges. I still have the key you gave me.”
I didn’t have the strength to roll my eyes. “On my way.”
The living room and kitchen were almost as bad as the bedroom.
I’d ordered meals to be delivered the few times I’d been able to eat at all.
Empty containers stacked in a precarious pile on the garbage can gave off a pungent odor that made my gag reflex kick up.
I snarled my nose and opened the door. “You might not want to come in.”
Lisa peered over my shoulder. Her eyes went wide, then narrowed on me. “What the hell, Payton? Move over. I’m your best friend, and I’m not afraid of whatever waits for me in there.” She hugged me tightly. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
I’d told her everything. Her and Dad. They knew all about my relationship with Tarron, Reed, and Mav. Even if they didn’t understand how I loved three men, they understood that it had been real.
I rested my cheek on her shoulder and returned the hug. “Thanks.”
“I know it doesn’t help, but it has to be said.” She gripped my shoulders and peered down at me. “You’ve lost weight. A lot of weight.” Her head shook in a slow wag. “I came to see how you’re doing. I knew it would be bad. How could you not be feeling awful?”
“They died trying to save me.” My nose started running, and I pulled out of Lisa’s embrace to hunt for a tissue. “Now all this…” I motioned at the rooms around me. “My comfortable life that I’ve lived my whole life is so damned empty. I’m so empty.”
Lisa nodded again, though I knew she had no idea what I really meant.
No one did unless they’d been through this kind of loss before. Dad understood.
He called every day to check on me.
He didn’t tell me to get over it.
He offered sympathy and a cleaning service to help with the household chores.
I’d declined because I couldn’t stand the idea of anyone else being in my apartment while I rotted in bed with my misery.
“I wish I knew how to help.” Lisa puttered around the kitchen. She reached the trash can and waved a hand in front of her nose. “Well, I know one thing I can do.”
I tried to stop her, but stopping Lisa when she sank her teeth into something was like wrestling a hurricane.
She bundled her red hair into a bun and set her hands on her hips after bagging up and taking out the trash. “I’m going to put in a grocery order for you. And I want you to eat.”
I rubbed my hands over my stomach, noting the significant change that had happened during the weeks we’d been running across Alaska. We’d survived on MREs and done okay.
That was before.
I shoved my hands into my pockets. “I’m having trouble eating.”
“Try.” Lisa squeezed my arm as she walked past. “I’m going to clean up a bit. Do you want to help?”
Not really, but I couldn’t sit on the couch and watch her clean the mess I’d spent weeks making.
I gathered up clothes and threw them into the washing machine. “Thanks for coming.” I didn’t feel better, but having her around took away the slightest edge of pain that constantly sliced me into pieces.
“You’d do it for me.” Lisa grinned at me over her shoulder. She wiped a cloth over the coffee table, gathered up the dirty cups I’d left on the glass, and carried them to the sink.
By the time Lisa left that night, we’d cleaned the entire apartment.
She’d put on music at one point, and I caught myself nodding along to the beat.
The food order arrived, and she put everything away before cooking us both a plate of chicken and asparagus.
I’d eaten to please her, and the food tasted good enough that I managed to eat everything.
She’d even offered to stay all night, but I drew the line at that.
My nightmares were not something I’d share, not even with her.
I’d reassured her that I would be okay and made her a promise that I’d call if I needed anything.
It was a lie.
I needed my men, but they were beyond my reach.
I fell into bed that night exhausted physically and emotionally.
The nightmares came in a torrent that left me weak and shaking in bed by the time dawn broke over me the next morning.
My stomach twisted so violently it threw me from the bed and sent me scrambling to the bathroom, where I retched until my stomach emptied.
Sitting in the corner of the bathroom with my knees drawn up to my chest, I texted Lisa, asking if she was okay after eating the chicken last night.
She replied that she was fine and asked why I wanted to know.
I told her I must have caught a stomach bug or something, though we both knew I hadn’t been anywhere to catch any kind of anything.
“Sure you’re not pregnant?” Her text popped up a second later.
My hands turned numb.
I tried to answer that, of course, I wasn’t pregnant.
It was something I’d eaten. Except…I’d barely eaten at all until last night.
And if Lisa was fine, then it wasn’t food poisoning.
My finger shook when I flipped through the apps until I found my period tracking app.
I tapped it open and closed my eyes, taking a slow, deep breath to try and ease the twisting sensation in my stomach.
The date on the app surprised me.
I’d known several days had passed, but not three weeks.
My mouth dried up, my tongue turning into a husk.
I should have started my period two weeks ago.
The app said so, and thanks to my birth control, I was never late.
My birth control.
Shit. My birth control had been in my backpack.
The backpack that Jack never picked up when he kidnapped me from the river.
I doubted he’d have even thought to give me my birth control while he held me captive.
Men didn’t think about shit like that.
The tremble that had started in my fingers spread throughout my body until I vibrated so hard my teeth clacked.
I hadn’t even thought about starting my birth control since coming home.
Weeks of sex with Mav and the others. Weeks when I hadn’t been protected.
I’d told them I was because I simply forgot that it had been left behind.
My stomach heaved again, and I curled over the toilet bowl until the spasm passed.
I had to know for sure. I stood and shuffled to the sink.
An hour later, I’d managed to shower, brush my teeth, and dry my hair enough to make it presentable to the world outside.
I could have made another grocery order and added a pregnancy test in.
No one would even notice or ask questions.
This felt like something I needed to put in an effort for.
I hurried into the empty elevator outside my apartment and shoved a pair of sunglasses over my swollen eyes.
I hadn’t bothered with makeup because it had taken me half an hour to find clothes that fit well enough to stay on my hips.
When Lisa said I’d lost weight, I hadn’t thought much of it.
I flared a hand across my stomach and closed my eyes as I waited for the doors to open so I could escape.
There was no escaping my thoughts, but stepping out into the sunshine helped calm the voices telling me I was going crazy.
I hurried across the street and down the block to the nearest pharmacy.
Ten minutes later, I used the self-checkout to scan my three different pregnancy tests and threw them into a bag.
The jog back to my apartment left me sweating and breathless by the time I reached my living room and kicked off my shoes.
I rushed into the bathroom, read the instructions on every single test, then followed them to the letter.
They all recommended using them early in the morning, with the first urination of the day.
Well, lucky for me, I hadn’t peed yet this morning.
I wouldn’t have been able to wait anyway. If they were all negative, I might try again tomorrow, just to confirm.
But if they were all positive…
I held my breath, realized it was making everything worse, and performed a few of Lisa’s favorite deep breathing exercises.
The front door opened and closed. Lisa’s voice broke through the tinny ringing in my ears. “Payton? Payton, answer me right now.”
The panic in her voice brought my head up. “In here.”
She rushed my way, her steps pounding across my hardwood floors.
“Don’t you ever do that to me again. You scared me to death.” Her red hair whirled around her face when she came to a sliding stop in the bathroom doorway. “I’ve been texting and calling for an hour. I thought you were dead.”
A cold feeling wrapped around my heart and squeezed. “Not dead.” I took a step away from the sink.
I’d thought about it a few times, if I was being honest with myself. I’d wanted to die with them, because how could I live without them? “But I am pregnant.”
Lisa’s mouth fell open with a gasp. She leaned over the sink to check the pregnancy tests lined up across one edge. “Yes, you sure are.”
She didn’t ask what I planned to do.
I loved her for not asking a single damned question.
I had enough clouding my mind to keep me busy for weeks.
Which of them was the father? It didn’t matter, but every time I tried telling myself that, my heart ached.
Lisa wiped her eyes and sniffled. “I’m so happy for you.”
I tried to answer, but no words emerged. I hadn’t expected this, not at all.