Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
N athan dumped his backpack on his bed and sighed loudly, rubbing the back of his neck then wincing. He went to the bathroom, took off his T-shirt, and surveyed his sunburn. A red curve ran along his upper back, and he had red sleeves to match. His face wasn’t too bad as he’d worn a hat, but he mustn’t have reapplied sunscreen as often as he should’ve. He rummaged through his bathroom cabinet and found an old tube of aloe vera gel that he’d often apply after gardening in the summer months. It had a tiny bit left, so he lathered it on and added it to his shopping list on his phone, along with all the other supplies he’d need after being away for two weeks.
It was good to be home. Queensland had been amazing, though hot. Days at the beach in Surfers Paradise, walks in the rainforest, and feeling away from the world in the Gold Coast hinterland. He’d hiked, biked, swam, scuba dived, camped, and connected to nature, had also enjoyed the magical sight of a glow worm cave. He’d even been hit on by a woman at one of the rainforest camps who’d been holidaying with friends, but romance was not part of his itinerary. It was a bit different to what he would have done had he visited Chicago, but that was a way off thought that was now gradually dissolving.
He’d have to start doing some more work at South Haven soon, though it wasn’t as full on as before, and he’d also be balancing that with maintenance on the primary school grounds, a one-off job to create a water feature and barbeque area for one of the teacher’s homes, plus a seasonal tidy up at Gloria’s which he’d start in December (he’d told her to keep paying the ‘young chap down the road’ to do the lawn mowing). He’d also confided in Gloria about his failed attempt to visit the States and pursue things with Lacie, but put it down to the fact that she was about to become a mother rather than revealing her omittance of that detail as their ’friendship’ had progressed to something more.
At least he wouldn’t have to see her at South Haven. It would be awkward if she was there all the time while he worked. He loved the Appleby family, and he’d checked up on Ellie a couple of times after her leaving hospital, but had said he’d be away for two weeks and would check back in when he returned. After three weeks since Ellie’s emergency, Lacie would surely have returned back to Chicago by now. The thought filled him with both relief and sadness. Relief that he could move on and focus on his work, and sadness that he didn’t get to experience a joyful reunion like he’d hoped for. One quick hug was all they’d shared, and then nothing but an argument.
He knew an unexpected pregnancy must’ve been a difficult thing for her to comprehend, but she’d had plenty of time to wrap her head around it and tell him, it wasn’t that hard to say, ‘Hey, I love this close connection that’s developed, but thought I’d let you know that I’m pregnant, so if that changes anything, I understand.’ That was all she’d had to do. And yes, she may have tried to tell him or been about to, but she didn’t, and by the time she was really going to, their connection had already grown much deeper. He felt deceived, like he’d just been a simple online flirtation to fill the time before her baby’s birth. He didn’t feel safe trusting her, especially when a baby was involved.
Nathan heated up a frozen meal for dinner and waited for the microwave to beep. Sorry, Nigella, my inner chef is off duty. He scrolled social media mindlessly on his phone, and there it was: Lacie’s pregnancy announcement. She was right, she didn’t post much, her last post had been ‘I’m back in beautiful Australia!’ in July, and nothing since. This one was from a week ago and simply had a photo of her rosy cheeked smile, her hands lovingly holding the base of her blooming belly, and the words: ‘Baby on the way, due in Feb!’ and pink and blue love heart emojis followed by a question mark. Only recently she had kept it a secret, and now she was announcing it to the world.
He ignored how beautiful she looked and reminded himself of how many times they had video chatted and he had not seen it. Presumably she hadn’t had much to show until the last few weeks, but she still knew. He recalled their dinner/breakfast date and tipped his head back in realisation at how she’d seemed reluctant to stand up and show him her outfit, after he had shown her his tie and shirt combined with casual shorts. She had been wearing a long flowing scarf which would have covered any evidence of pregnancy. No wonder she’d also seemed a bit taken aback when he’d suggested he fly over to see her. He shook his head. First time in years he’d opened the door to his heart and now he didn’t know how to close it. But he wouldn’t let it get in the way of the friendship he’d developed with her family.
He scrolled through his text message list and texted Martha:
Hi Martha, I’m back and will be there on Wednesday, text me what needs to be done. How’s Ellie?
While waiting, he chuckled at all the ‘older’ ladies he was in contact with: Martha, Gloria, the teacher from school, and the school secretary. His gaze then fell on Tess’s name. She hadn’t responded any further, maybe she’d given up. He read through their last few messages, mostly from her, and sighed. What had led her to such deception? They had been great together for the most part. He knew she never had the best relationship with her family and so communication and conflict resolution had never been her strong point, but she always tried her best. But her taking some space for herself did not mean they had broken up, at least that’s what he’d assumed.
It was a bit Ross and Rachel from Friends , but he was sure they had not been on a break. And when she’d returned from her time away as keen and eager as ever as though nothing had happened, his assumptions were proven correct. But she had cheated, and had obviously been trying to make up for it, and perhaps she was in denial that he wasn’t the baby’s father, which led to all the lies. Maybe there was some protective hormone that caused pregnant women to do whatever was necessary to look after themselves, even if it wasn’t honest. Tess had lied to hopefully give her child a happy mother and father in a stable relationship, and Lacie had kept a secret to prolong a budding romance she didn’t want to risk losing.
Why did he have to be caught in the middle of such things? If he really wanted to close that door to his heart, he knew that he would probably need to speak to Tess at some point. Not that he had to, but it might be the only way for her to get things off her chest and for him to get closure, otherwise she’d keep contacting him out of the blue and destroying his peace.
A text from Martha came in:
Welcome back! Sounds good, I’ll check what the priorities are and text you tomorrow. Ellie’s doing well, it’ll be an ongoing journey but she’s feeling much better. She’s been away but getting back on Wednesday, so you might get to see her.
He sent a thumbs up in reply. He didn’t ask where she’d been as she might be at some sort of healing retreat, and he didn’t want to pry.
He scrolled back down to Tess’s message. And before he could stop himself, he typed:
Hey, if you still want to, I’m open to having a chat, give you a chance to say what you want to say.
The typing bubbles appeared immediately, and then her message:
Hey, I thought I’d never hear from you. Thank you, I really appreciate it. Can we meet in person tomorrow? Maybe the playground at Miracle Park, so Neo can play while we talk?
He was free on Sunday and Monday, returning to work at the school on Tuesday.
Sure. What time suits?
2pm?
See you then.
There, all done. One conversation and then he could move on for good. As for Lacie, he couldn’t imagine talking to her right now would do any good.
The sun beamed through the gaps in the branches of the overhead tree as he took a seat on the bench near the playground. He scanned the area but couldn’t see Tess anywhere, but he was a bit early. Children laughed and climbed and slid and ran, all big smiles and wild hair, the refreshing afternoon breeze visiting the park.
He wondered if he would have a child of his own one day, maybe then he could give them the stable home he never had, and it would somehow give him a sense of greater purpose and belonging. Or maybe he was destined to be on his own forever: him, his plants, and… he needed an animal. He loved watching the birds that frequented his garden, but they weren’t exactly pets and he didn’t like the idea of having a bird in a cage – they were meant to be free. A dog might be more work than he could manage at this stage, but a cat… perhaps that would be the best choice, something that would look after itself most of the time, but would provide some company in the evenings. He opened his phone browser to search for cat rescue shelters. He didn’t want a newborn kitten, he wasn’t home much and they would be too much work in the early stages, so an older cat or kitten might be best. He scrolled through the options then heard the husky voice that had once captivated him…
‘Long time no see.’
He glanced up and pocketed his phone. ‘Tess. Hi.’ He forced a slight smile, and then eyed the toddler holding her hand. ‘Hi there. Neo, I presume?’
‘Say hi to Nathan,’ Tess said in a high-pitched voice he wasn’t used to hearing.
The dark-haired boy simply huddled close to his mum, gripping her leg.
‘Look at the fun things on the playground,’ she said, pointing. ‘How about you go and play while I talk to Nathan, and afterwards, we’ll get some ice cream!’
The boy’s eyes lit up and he dashed towards the small slippery slide.
Tess reached her hand out briefly then lowered it, as though she wasn’t sure how to greet him. She sat next to him, her wavy brown hair wafting loosely in the breeze. ‘Thanks for coming.’ She looked him briefly in the eye then returned her gaze to the playground. Meeting here was probably much better than having to look each other in the eye over a meal at a restaurant. But he gathered she probably didn’t wine and dine much these days if she had no one to babysit.
Nathan nodded and said, ‘So, how’s motherhood?’
Her posture relaxed a little and she smiled. ‘It’s great, difficult, but great. I’ve learned a lot since he was born, it’s given me patience I never knew I had. It’s also made me realise how fast time goes.’ A fly buzzed past and she waved it away.
‘It sure does. So, ah, is he still seeing his dad?’ Nathan asked, gesturing to Neo who seemed to be enjoying his tenth slide.
‘Yeah. We’ve finally worked out the details, so he’s mostly with me since I’m not working at the moment, and he sees him on weekends.’
‘That’s good. A child needs stability, it doesn’t matter if things aren’t perfect.’
She turned slightly towards him. ‘Like you needed, huh?’
‘Yeah.’ She knew all about his past and his grief, which had felt good at the start, like someone really knew him, but then it just felt like another abandonment when she’d cheated.
‘I really am sorry,’ she said gently. ‘Part of me wishes I could turn back time but then I wouldn’t have Neo, so I wouldn’t want to. But if I could,’ she exhaled, ‘I’d turn back time and tell you the truth from the start. It still would have hurt you, but you could have moved on sooner. I’m sorry for wasting your time and leading you on with my dishonesty.’ She lowered her head, then looked up at Neo and waved when he had climbed to the top of a climbing frame.
Nathan’s tension softened too. She had done him wrong, and she had apologised back then, but more in a state of desperation. For some reason it had never seemed authentic until now. He could feel the regret seeping from her heart, and as a hint of some kind of fruity perfume danced around him, she placed her hand on top of his. He flinched a little but didn’t pull his hand away.
‘I actually think I had depression for a while, before it all happened,’ she confessed. ‘The conflicts in my family were overwhelming, and I felt alone, apart from being with you of course. But the more I tried to be happy the more fake it felt, so it was easier to retreat and pull away. Putting a mask on my face every day was exhausting.’ She ran her free hand through her hair. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t open up to you. I thought it would bring you down, so I tried to deal with it in my own way. Unfortunately, that led me to needing comfort somehow, and my ex was there, right place right time kinda thing. It was silly, I know. But here we are now. I regret it, but at the same time it was the best thing that ever happened, as I have Neo.’
Nathan’s mind flipped back like a book with its pages going back to the beginning, and he could recognise some of the signs in hindsight… she’d found it hard to get out of bed most days, she’d wanted to stay home instead of going out, and she never wanted to participate in small talk whereas she used to be a chatterbox. Little things that showed her state of mind was altering. But he wasn’t a mind reader, and he simply didn’t know it’d been that bad for her. And it was no excuse for cheating and lying… but he did understand things a bit more now. Maybe she had learned her lesson and changed, she certainly seemed different, more mature and settled.
‘I’m sorry you went through such a difficult time. I really didn’t know. I would have been okay if you’d wanted to talk about it, or get some help.’
‘I know that now, but with my family cutting me off, I was worried you might do the same. After the pregnancy test I clung to our relationship like a life raft, but it was still sinking. I couldn’t live with the guilt, so I had to leave. And by then, my ex had come to terms with the idea of being a father and had wanted to see how things went. I couldn’t lose the chance of giving my child a complete family.’ Her voice faltered and her eyes became shiny with unshed tears. She gripped his hand a little tighter, and he let her. It was good that she was getting an opportunity to let all this out, and he was glad to finally have more of an explanation. It didn’t fix things, but it helped.
‘I’ve missed you,’ she confessed. ‘I don’t expect you to forgive me, but…’
‘I forgive you,’ he whispered, unsure whether he had even spoken the words aloud. Immediately, his heart became lighter.
Her body jolted a little. ‘You do? Oh my God, you don’t know what it means to hear that.’ She held a hand to her forehead in relief, and she inhaled a sharp and shaky breath as though she was trying to hold back a sob. She looked at the playground as Neo ran around the climbing frame in circles, and laughed. ‘Always doing things his own way, that boy.’
Nathan managed a smile. Something softened inside him and he felt something he hadn’t felt for years… a connection, a longing. They’d shared a lot of happy times together, and he missed that. Missed having someone to go through the daily ups and downs of life with.
Tess turned to face him on the bench and looked him right in the eyes. ‘I don’t know if there’s the slightest chance, but if there is, I want nothing more than to try again. To do things right this time. Complete honesty, no holding back. We were great together, and could be again.’ She leaned close to him, and her warmth was intoxicating, blurring his vision, making his head feel foggy and out of focus. She’d had that effect on him back then, and he was surprised that a remnant of it was still there.
All he wanted to do was lean towards her too, and he found himself doing so automatically, until their foreheads rested together and his eyes closed at the light touch he’d once known so intimately. She lifted her head slightly and he could feel her lips wanting his, and if only in that moment, he wanted hers too. Before she could kiss him, he pulled away. He drew a deep, steadying breath. Her eyes showed a yearning for him but his foggy vision was clearing, and he knew the nostalgia was not sustainable. He would always remember her deceit, and despite her apology and explanation and his forgiveness, it was more to bring himself peace than to allow them to start again.
Nathan cleared his throat. ‘Sorry, Tess. I can’t do this.’ He glanced at Neo who was now digging in the sandpit with another boy. The boy would be okay. Tess would be okay. He would be okay.
He stood. It was time to be strong in himself and stand his ground. He deserved to be treated fairly, and though he understood how one thing had led to another with Tess and her mistake, he knew they couldn’t start again. But he could. On his own, like always.