Chapter 32
Chapter thirty-two
Teddy
Heart in my throat, I watch Helen fall over and over and over again.
Sometimes backward. Sometimes face-first. Once, spectacularly, right on her butt with her limbs flailing like a cartoon character slipping on a banana.
Two hours pass with excruciating slowness, until Jamie emerges from the surf and trudges up the gentle slope of the beach.
He’s soaked, breathing hard, wet sand clinging to his legs and feet.
With a dramatic exhale, he flops onto the blanket beneath Helen’s bright orange umbrella like a man returning from war.
I sit next to him on a short beach chair, the folding kind made of metal and plastic with rusted cupholders in the armrests. It creaks every time I shift.
“What are you doing?” I cry out, my pulse slamming. “You need to get back out there!”
He’s thrown a muscled arm over his eyes and doesn’t bother to look over as he answers, “She’s fine. Just needs reps. At this point, I’m more of a distraction. One more thing for her to keep track of. She’ll do better without me hovering.”
I bristle. “I can’t believe you left her.”
“She’s not on Mars, dude. She’s fifty yards out. We’ve got eyes on her, and there’s like five lifeguards posted within spitting distance. She’s safe.”
Logic says he’s right. My chest doesn’t agree. I hate the thought of her out there without me. With effort, I drag my eyes off Helen and turn to him.
Trying to distract myself, I bring up something that’s been bothering me. “Hey. What’s up with Anthony? He seemed off when you guys brought my clothing.”
Jamie exhales, like he’s been waiting for this. “Yeah. I didn’t realize how hard he was crushing on Gina until you left. He’s been following her around like a lost puppy.”
Guilt stabs me. “I had no idea. That’s on me. I should’ve paid more attention.”
“Me too.” Jamie whistles as Helen manages ten whole seconds on the board before eating it. “Progress.”
His tone drops. “He’s always been jealous of you. Even before Gina. He thinks you get all the breaks.”
I scoff. “Really? Did he forget the part where my dad died and I was basically raised by my teenage sister? About how my mom worked all the time and my brother’s an asshole?”
“I’m not saying it’s fair, like at all.” Jamie wipes condensation off his beer, flicks it off his fingers. “But when your dad died, the whole school rallied around you. Homemade cards, all your friends at the funeral. When his dad walked out sophomore year, no one said a thing.”
I go quiet, shame coiling low in my gut. “I think mostly no one knew what to say.” I admit, “I always felt bad about that.”
Jamie shrugs. “Doesn’t mean he gets to be a dick about it.”
Before I can answer, I do a quick check for Helen and see…nothing. My nerves kick into high gear as I lumber to my feet. “Where’s Helen? Where is she?” My voice cracks, almost frantic as every muscle in my body tenses, preparing to run into the ocean, cast and all.
Jamie stands too. He points down the beach. “There. She just drifted a little. She’s okay.”
I follow the path of his finger. Sure, enough, Helen’s on her belly, paddling back out into the sea. My hand goes to my chest, rubbing like I can physically slow down my racing heartbeat.
Jamie peeks over at me, one brow raised. He smirks and says, “Who would’ve thought it? Teddy in love. Didn’t think it’d make you this twitchy.”
“You were worried too,” I accuse, then cut myself off, teeth grinding. “Besides, we’re just friends.”
“Jesus.” Jamie rolls his eyes. “She said the same thing.”
I try not to flinch at that. I don’t want to let him know it hurts that’s how Helen sees me.
Ignoring him, I continue to stare into the water where Helen waits for the next wave.
There are dozens of surfers around her, bobbing in the water, all wearing the same kind of wetsuits.
All sitting on their boards in the same position, but I can pick her out easily.
I’ve memorized the shape of her body.
The way she moves.
“Relax,” Jamie says, sighing loud and theatrically as he drops back onto the blanket. “She’s fine.”
“Still not happy you left her alone,” I mutter, unclenching my fists as I sink into my chair.
Jamie studies me in that unsettling way he has, like he can see right through me.
“You’re this strung out but still claim you’re only friends?
Really?” His head tilts, eyes sharp. “Don’t insult me, Teddy.
I know you better than most. We grew up together, for fuck’s sake.
” The corners of his mouth tug down, hurt in his eyes that he’s quick to conceal, but he’s right.
We know each other too well. I see the emotion before he buries it.
I rub my hand over my forehead, stomach sour like I just swallowed seawater. I don’t know how to explain it to him. The tangle of my emotions over Helen. All the reasons it doesn’t matter how I feel, because the whole thing is pointless.
He sits up and motions toward the small red cooler that sits next to me.
I lean over, pick up a water and beer and hold them out, letting him choose. He points to the beer, and I toss it over. Jamie catches it deftly. There’s a loud pop as he opens it. After he’s had a long pull, he nods toward Helen and says, “She’s not what I expected.”
My stomach drops. “Is that…bad?”
He shrugs one shoulder, eyes scanning the water. “Not bad. Just different. You told me she was smart, intense. Kind of intimidating, actually.”
Sounds like an accurate description of Helen to me. Heck, even now I still find her a bit intimidating.
Jamie shades his eyes with one hand and together we watch Helen as she tumbles off her board, the one I let her borrow. My best board.
Once her head pops out of the water and I can breathe again, he continues, “I’ve seen you with a bunch of women, Teddy. None like this one.” Jamie takes a long drink. “You’re usually drawn to the easy ones. The loud, flirty, low-stakes women who don’t get under your skin.”
I don’t answer, because he’s not wrong.
The thing is, Helen’s not easy. She’s messy and brilliant and awkward and brave. She’s falling off a surfboard for the five hundredth time and still getting right back up.
There’s no point deflecting, not with him. “That’s kinda the point, isn’t it? That she’s different?”
He nods, thoughtfully. “So why are you acting like this is something less than it is? Is she not attracted to you?”
That feels good, right there.
The memory of what she said when my hands were on her is so vivid that I cough, clear my throat, weirdly embarrassed. Jamie and I have traded intimate details about the women we’ve hooked up with, but talking about Helen like that makes my skin itch.
“Uh, no. That’s not it.”
He throws both hands up. “What’s the problem, then?”
“Well, first there’s Gwen, who told me to stay away.
Commanded it actually. Then, there’s the fact that Helen’s about a billion times smarter and more successful than me.
Plus, we’re living together and even more I like her, really like her, as a person.
” I exhale hard. “I don’t want to risk losing her, even if that means having to settle for just being friends. ”
I almost tell him about my suspicion that I’m the one who got Helen suspended but stop myself. I’ll take her secrets to the grave. I also don’t mention how she never called me after we slept together last year. That’s not to protect her, that’s all about me. My fragile pride, my ego.
Jamie’s shaking his head before I’m even done.
“Gwen loves you both. She’s also the nicest person I’ve ever met.
She’ll get over it. This thing about you not feeling good enough is stupid, but I get it.
You’ve been stuck in that spiral for a while now.
The real question is, what’re you going to do about it?
” He narrows his eyes. “Do I need to kick your ass?”
I pull myself up taller. “I have an idea.”
“What’s that?” He leans forward, putting his chin in his hand.
“I’m going to join the Coast Guard.” The words feel huge out in the open. I brace for the snort, the ridicule, but it doesn’t come.
“The Coast Guard, huh?” His eyes flick to the boat that cruises far past the surfers. The grey and orange one. “What made you decide that?”
“Remember when we saw them rescue that boat a month ago?”
His mouth curves into a half-smile. “Yeah, who could forget? That was pretty badass.”
“It made me think. What if I was out there? Helping out like that?”
He scratches his chin, fingernails scraping over stubble as he thinks. “That could be cool.”
“I looked into it. I have all the qualifications. Just need to take a test.” I try to sound more confident than I feel, but I forget. Jamie and I went to school together. He knows about my grades, about how bad I am at standardized anything.
He flinches slightly. “Is that going to be a problem?”
“I’ve got three weeks to study. It’s on December twenty-third, two days before Christmas. Helen’s going to tutor me, help me prepare, which is one more reason I can’t put a move on her.”
“I could help too?” Jamie offers, more tentatively than usual, like he thinks I’ll reject him. As much as he knows about my dismal test scores, I know he’s aced every class and test he’s ever taken.
He’s annoying like that. Everything comes easy to him.
“You’d do that?” I ask, genuinely surprised, and then I wince, feeling stupid for not thinking of him earlier. I’ve been so focused on Helen that I forgot I have other people in my life. People who care about me. Who want me to succeed.
“Of course, jackass. Can’t believe you’d even ask.” That flash of hurt again, barely masked.
I sigh. “I’ve been a shitty friend, haven’t I?”
He swirls the beer can in his hands, takes another sip. “You’ve had a lot going on in your head. I knew you were ready to move on, even before the pretty doctor lady came into the picture.”
I blink, surprised. “You did?”
“Yeah. Even I know we’ve gotta change. We can’t be those creepy old guys throwing parties and hitting on nineteen-year-olds.
” He pauses, then gets that familiar mischievous glint in his eye.
“You know, maybe I should look into the Coast Guard too. I’d look incredible in that uniform. Women love that shit.”
“Jamie,” I say, giving him my best you-are-the-problem voice.
He smirks. “Right, right, also great for saving people and making the world a better place. Obviously.”
“Hmm.” I send him a doubtful look that makes him laugh, but then he turns serious.
Like really serious. The easy grin is gone, replaced by something I rarely see on Jamie’s face, genuine vulnerability.
He runs a hand through his hair and stares at the ground for a long moment, digging his toes into the sand.
“Listen, Teddy. I’ve heard you tell the story about how we became friends about a thousand times. You always make it sound like I rescued you. Helped you out when your dad died, and you know what?”
I shake my head slowly.
His jaw tightens and his hands ball into fists as his body goes rigid. He grits out, “It fucking pisses me off because that version isn’t true.”
I lean back, shocked by the anger radiating off him, how his face flushes red. Jamie almost never loses his cool.
“You saved me as much as I saved you. I was all alone, left by parents who mistake money for affection, until I met you. Suddenly you were in my life, and I wasn’t lonely anymore.
You’re my brother, man. The closest thing I have to real family, so stop freezing me out.
Okay?” He points at me, fierce and a little pleading.
“You can change, become better, without leaving me behind. You want to join the Coast Guard? We’ll join the motherfucking Coast Guard. Together.”
My throat tightens, but he’s not done.
“You want to grow up? Fine. Welcome to the new, more responsible Jamie. Less drugs, drinking, and sex.” He wags a finger at me. “Notice I didn’t say none of those things, just less.”
“Wait. Wait.” I hold up my hand, trying to wrap my head around what I’m hearing. My voice comes out rough, words fighting to get past the knot in my throat. “Are you serious?”
“What?” His voice cracks. “You’re the only one allowed to have an identity crisis?
That’s why I’ve been in a crap mood recently.
I’ve been worrying about the future, too.
Scared I’ll end up as some entitled asshole, just like my parents.
So yes, I’m fucking serious. I’ll do it with you.
The whole thing. I need it just as much as you do. ”
Tears prick my eyes, blurring my vision, as emotion chokes me up, but I hide it—worried he’ll call me out, make fun of me—but then I see his eyes shining too.
He angrily wipes his nose like it’s just allergies, and it hits me like a wave: this whole damn journey?
It’s going to be so much easier with him beside me.
“Shut up. I’m not crying,” he mutters hoarsely.
“Me either,” I sniff. “It’s just…I fucking love you, man.”
“You too, you idiot.” He swipes at his eyes.
We spend the next few minutes trying to get hold of ourselves, studiously not looking at each other.
Finally, Jamie blows out a breath. “Now that we’ve figured out our lives, how do we get you that lady out there?
” He jerks his chin toward Helen, who’s still battling wave after wave.
I follow his gaze, pride blazing in my chest as I watch her. She’s relentless. Fierce.
“Remember that Christmas in July party we threw a few years ago?”
Jamie raises an eyebrow. “The one with the inflatable reindeer, the pina coladas, and the incident with the fire alarm?”
“That’s the one.” A small smile tugs at my mouth. “It gave me an idea. For Christmas Day. Something simple but big, you know? Something she’ll never forget.”
Jamie studies me for a second, then grins. “You want to impress her with heartfelt holiday mischief. Say no more, I’m in.”
I laugh. “Of course you are, but it has to stay a secret.”
He rubs his hands together. “You know I love a good secret.”
I smile back, remembering all the trouble we’ve gotten into together over the years. All the secrets we’ve kept just between the two of us. “Oh, I know you do. This one’s going to be a doozy.”