Chapter 11
It’s been two weeks, and nothing has changed. Our routine, or lack thereof, remains the same. Well, something has, but not between Keoni and me.
The weather has shifted; fall feeling like it arrived overnight. Temperatures dropped over the course of just a few days and have continued to get cooler.
The tension between my stepbrother and me has basically kept us apart.
I no longer try to initiate conversation, and rarely even come downstairs when he’s home—which isn’t often.
He works three days on, four days off, sometimes picking up an extra shift.
I know it’s his way of avoiding me, and he’s been exceptionally good at it.
That girl, Brittany, shows up every Thursday at exactly five in the afternoon. On his other days off, I’m certain he goes out to meet her.
And this cat won’t leave me alone. I can’t tell if that’s a comfort or an irritation. If I’m not the one putting out her food, she won’t eat it, and I can tell it frustrates Keo just as much as it does me.
I didn’t sign up to take care of a pet. I’m barely capable of taking care of myself for fuck sakes.
Speaking of the feline, she jumps from my bed and pads her way down the stairs as the front door opens.
It’s Thursday evening, right when he and his girlfriend are done with their little walk.
Yes, I’ve watched them as they’ve strolled away from the cabin. I’m not sure what I was hoping for. Maybe to see them kiss so that it just solidified my thoughts, but they always stay a decent distance from one another.
She never comes in, that is, until now.
“Ayden?” We haven’t talked since the first time we met, so this is surprising.
I suck in a deep breath through my nose and sit up in bed, making my way over to the loft to look down at her. She’s wearing a bright smile, and right behind her is Keo. He brushes past her, disappearing under me.
“Do you want to go out tonight?” she asks.
“With you?” It’s a genuine question, asked with nothing but curiosity.
“Us. Keoni’s co-workers are meeting up at the local bar to watch the game. Broncos versus the Cardinals.” She places a hand onto her hip and grins. “Cardinals are going to get their asses kicked.”
I don’t hear him say anything, even if it seems like Brittany is trying to get a rise out of him.
I’m not the biggest football fan, even if I cheered for my high school team for nearly three years—I’ve seen one too many concussions in my line of work.
Saying I’m grateful Keoni didn’t actually go play in the NFL would be an understatement.
Not that being a firefighter is any less dangerous, but at least he’s less likely to break his neck by tackling someone the wrong way.
“So, do you want to come?”
I haven’t been out of this cabin except for short walks around it and to bring in the groceries that are delivered. It might not be the worst idea, but is that even what Keo wants? He isn’t the one asking.
The part of my brain that wants to socialize screams at my body, fighting against the constant, never-ending gloom.
I release a heavy sigh and nod. “Yeah, I’ll come. Give me a minute to get ready.”
I’m honestly surprised she jumps up in excitement. Maybe she wants to get to know the rest of Keo’s family. It’s annoying… but sweet, which fucking sucks.
It takes me no more than ten minutes to brush my hair and teeth, throw on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, and head out the door to find the two of them waiting.
Keoni is angled away from me, and when he glances over his shoulder, he gives me a nod. I’m shrugging on my letterman, trying to fight the cold chill now that the sun has gone down.
His eyes never waver from looking at me.
“Want to drive together?” Brittany asks.
I have no preference, nor should I even have a say considering I don’t have any options myself to offer. So, I just keep quiet.
Keo’s gaze stays locked on mine, and I’m regretting the jacket already because I’m starting to get hot.
“I’ll take Ayden. No need for you to go out of your way to come drop us off when we are done.” He rolls up his sweater’s sleeves to his elbows. “Plus, your driving scares me.”
She gasps in mock horror. “Rude.”
I don’t wait for him to instruct me, and move over toward his truck.
“But regardless, thank god. I need a drink and don’t want to drive these roads with even one in my system.”
It’s like her words were intentional, even though she has no idea what happened. She couldn’t—Michael’s dad made sure of that.
I nearly stumble, or maybe I do, because a strong hand grabs my upper arm to keep me steady. When I peer up, Keo’s brows are pulled together, worry etched across his face.
Before he says anything, and I have an unnecessary anxiety attack, I force a smile. “Sorry. I’m apparently still not used to not living in a concrete jungle.”
His eyes bore down at my lips, and his nose twitches. Is he… mad?
“Same,” Brittany says as she walks past us toward her vehicle. “I had to start putting walking shoes in my car and changing after leaving the office. Thankfully, this is my last appointment of the day, so I don’t have to try and slip sweaty feet into high heels.”
Appointment?
“Brittany,” Keo damn near barks out her name through his teeth, releasing me in the process.
“Anyway…” She hurries her pace. “See you two at the bar.” She’s at her car in an instant, sliding into the driver’s seat and backing out within seconds.
“I swear…” he grumbles under his breath.
Keo turns from me and heads to the driver’s side, and after a moment of taking in a breath that isn’t consumed with him, I move to the truck and settle into the passenger seat. The moment I’m clicking on the seatbelt, he’s got us moving and heading down the dark road.
There’s no light except for the headlights until we reach the entrance to Sapphire Valley, and I use the glow to study him. His expression is impassive as he waits for the gate to open.
Once it does, we are heading down the main road that leads into town—a drive of only about ten minutes—I clear my throat.
“So, your girlfriend has to make appointments to see you?”
Real subtle, Ayden. Fuck.
Keoni
“Girlfriend?” I ask incredulously.
Damn that woman. She knows I haven’t told Ayden about our sessions. It’s not that I’m embarrassed to tell him about needing therapy, I just know it will bring up the why I’ve required it. That I’m not particularly ready to discuss. Shit, I’m already having a hard time speaking with her about it.
I met Britt my first time coming to Maple Falls to visit my mom and Grant—a sweetheart, really—along with her brother who has since moved to New York.
We’d sat together in church, hating it as much as the other.
That was just to appease my mom. She never met Alysa; that girl would’ve rather plucked her eyeballs out than sit through a service.
It wasn’t exactly ideal that my therapist was someone I knew, but I had no choice really.
At least Brittany is actually good at her job and does house calls. Being stuck in a small office wasn’t for me, and she was willing to make the drive to where I felt most comfortable talking.
Still, the fact that we know each other personally makes her bold enough to be sly.
“Brittany. She’s your girlfriend, right?”
I grip the steering wheel a bit. “Why do you assume that?”
“Isn’t that what she is?”
Him asking follow up questions to mine is irking me. Yet, that little voice in my head reminds me I’ve been doing the same thing to him. Still, his reluctance to answer me is… frustrating.
“She’s not my girlfriend.”
My head slightly turns, just enough to get a glimpse of him. He actually has his face away from me, and I’m irritated at that. Not that I should be looking for something in his expression… but a guy can hope.
“Then who—”
“No one important,” I cut him off. “Do you still hate watching sports?”
After I graduated high school, Ayden cheered for half his junior year and then stopped. I could tell he didn’t particularly like it, but stayed for that girl, Ashley? Amber? Jessica? Shit, I don’t remember.
Anyway, he enjoyed swimming, so he did that for the rest of high school.
He liked watching baseball—until a ball, traveling nearly a hundred miles per hour, was hit back into the pitcher’s face.
After that, he never joined Grant and me at the games.
I know it wasn’t squeamishness; I’d watched him dissect a frog, and because he did so well, he even joined my senior class when we dissected a sheep’s heart.
He can’t stand seeing people get hurt, and understanding he was… is? An ICU nurse, I get his aversion to watching anything where grown men and women willingly put themselves out there for entertainment with the possibility of them being injured.
“Not particularly.” He adjusts, turning back and facing forward.
I linger for only a second on him. His side profile is just… fuck me.
Stop. It.
“Then why’d you say yes to coming?”
I turn my gaze forward. God forbid I get us into an accident because I’m staring at my stepbrother.
Former stepbrother. Former.
“To get out. I’m sort of restricted since I don’t have a car.”
“Did you have one in San Francisco?”
As much as I fear getting close to him again, I want to understand him. I need to know why he never came for the holidays, or why he didn’t even try asking Alysa for my number to get in touch.
You could’ve gone to see him…
There’s no excuse, but he was avoiding me for what I did. I couldn’t force myself into his life if he didn’t want me there…
Could’ve gotten his number and apologized. You could’ve tried.
That inner voice of mine drives me crazy. It’s the sensible side that knows I messed up and keeps pulling the blame back where it belongs.
Right now, that’s how I’m handling everything—not just with Ayden.
“Not anymore,” he murmurs.
“I didn’t see you as the kind that didn’t drive, honestly. You were always so independent.”
He clears his throat, and it’s like the air around us goes thick. I can’t explain it, but it’s uncomfortable, especially as he begins to fidget.
“I saw the letter a few weeks ago.” Of course he changes the subject. “You were planning to move here before the accident?”
I drop my head against the window behind me, roll my shoulders back, and drum my fingers along the steering wheel.
“Yup. Mom was telling me I was working too much and should spend more time with family.” Yes, there’s an edge to my voice.
“So, I put in a transfer and was actively looking for an apartment when everything happened.”
His swallow is loud, and once again, I’m drawn to look at him. “That would’ve made them both so happy.”
“Yes…” I take a deep breath and watch him force another smile before turning to me. “A little too late.”
It’s hard to miss the falter in his lips—the slight twitch at the corners before they press firmly together. I’m guessing he catches me staring at them, because he bites the bottom one, and goddamn it. My dick should not be jumping in my pants right now.
Please… fuck off with this attraction.
I shift, fixing my gaze forward for the rest of the drive. He doesn’t speak, and I’m honestly surprised. He always has something to say, but I understand it’s where he’s most comfortable. Not in silence.
But, to be honest, I’m terrified that if the conversation turns anywhere but positive, I’ll snap at him.
I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to get angry. That isn’t me.
The last thing anyone has ever called me is grumpy, yet Brittany has labeled me that more than once in the past two weeks. She’s blaming it on my self-imposed abstinence.
I appreciate her honesty, but if she tells me I need to get laid one more time, I’ll lose my ever-loving shit. That isn’t what I need.
Truth is, I don’t even know what I need. An endless sleep? That sounds relaxing, because right now, I’m stuck in this constant state of trying to fill a hollowness that refuses to be filled.
Brittany says it’ll take time, but how do I get over this guilt? How do I stop it from swallowing me whole?
I know it’s making me unfairly cruel to Ayden. As much as part of me wants him to hurt for staying away until it was too late, I also know I need to give him grace.
It isn’t his fault.
It’s mine.
And that includes our falling out.
And until I can come to terms with that—until I can forgive myself—I’ll never be able to offer forgiveness to anyone else.