Chapter 7
SEVEN
WE WERE NINETEEN
“Silas!”
I hop down from the tractor and look over at Peter as he waves me over to him and Keith near the garage.
I hold up a finger in a one-sec motion, and head to the back of the tractor to unhitch the hiller.
After I’ve eased it back into its spot, I can’t help but give it a dirty look.
We’ve been having a lot of rain lately, which is great for crops.
But it also means the rows keep washing out, so I’ve been constantly rebuilding them.
If I have to run the hiller through those fields one more time this week, I’m going to lose it.
Once everything is where it should be, I kill the engine in the tractor and head towards the garage.
Peter and Keith stand in front of one of the big commercial planters with several panels pulled off, chains exposed, and seed cups half-disassembled. Now that planting season is wrapped up, it’s time for inspection and maintenance of all the planting equipment.
“Take a look at this,” Keith says as I approach them, nodding towards the exposed seed metering assembly. “Looks like we have some shimming to do on this bad boy.”
I step around the open panel and crouch beside the planter to get a closer look. The bracket behind the second cup is sagging a bit, so it offsets the gear alignment where the drive chain catches, and there’s a hitch in the rotation.
“Hm,” I murmur, standing up again. “Needs a new bracket.”
Peter eyes me. “You think? If we shim it, we get another run out of it next year.”
My gaze drifts back to the panel. Yeah… a shim would pull it closer, and it would pass enough for fixed. But it’ll never sit flush like it should. It will just keep drifting and will drop potatoes unevenly for planting.
“Spit it out, kid,” Peter says with a smirk as he leans against the planter and wipes his hands on a rag.
I shift my stance, lift my hat, and drag a hand through my hair before setting it back on my head. “It’s torqued at the weld point. Even if you shim it and align the cups, the bracket’s already flexed past centre. So we’d be fixing a lot of uneven planting next season.”
Keith exhales through his nose and shakes his head. “Run it by the boss-man.”
“We’ll do that right now,” Peter says, gesturing with his chin as he looks over my shoulder.
I turn to see Dad crossing the lot towards us, his eyes already scanning the half-disassembled planter.
“So, what’s the damage?” he asks.
“The bracket on the seed assembly is shot,” Peter says. “Silas figures a fix won’t last.”
Dad raises a brow at me.
I shrug one shoulder. “You can fix it. But you’ll be replacing it next year anyway after a shitty planting season.”
Dad chuckles and rubs a hand over his face. “Alright. Tell Melinda to put the order in.” Then he looks at me, and his expression shifts as a smile tugs at the corner of his lips. “Levi just got home.”
My eyes widen as my heart thumps, and I quickly glance between my dad, Peter, and Keith.
They all laugh, and Peter claps a hand on my shoulder. “Go.”
I’m gone before they can say anything else.
I haven’t seen Levi since his break in February. And now he’s home for the entire summer after his first year away at university.
I run as fast as I can down the driveway and out onto the dirt road. His house comes into view, and I see his mom’s car in the driveway with the doors open.
As Levi steps around the car with a massive smile on his face, I push myself harder, and he barely gets his arms up before I barrel into him, my full weight slamming into his body with a thud.
We stumble backwards with our arms locked tight around each other as we try to keep our balance. He laughs, and I squeeze him tighter.
“Hey, man,” he says. “You didn’t miss me, did you?”
“Fuck off,” I mutter, not letting him go.
I hear Corinne’s soft laugh behind us, and I finally release Levi as Mark hoists his suitcase from the back of the car.
“Not like you guys talk every day or anything,” Jade calls from the porch, her arms crossed as she leans against the railing with a smirk on her lips.
“Not the same,” Levi and I both say at the same time, shooting her a look even though we know she’s joking.
“Come on,” Mark says, passing Levi his other bag. Then he closes the trunk, and we follow him to the house.
Levi smiles as we reach the stairs and looks me over. “You’re dirty.”
I glance down at my T-shirt with holes and a ripped hem, smeared with soil. I wipe a dried-up clump of dirt off my jeans and lift my eyes to look him over. He’s in soft black sweatpants, a crisp, clean grey T-shirt, and his hair is pushed back perfectly, like he didn’t just step off a plane.
“You’re clean,” I say.
He laughs, then bounds up the steps into Jade’s open arms.
“Hey,” she says, wrapping him up in a big hug. “Welcome home.”
“You too,” he says as he pulls her in.
Jade’s been home for a week already, since she finished up school a bit earlier, and she’s only in New Brunswick. And I know she’s been eager for Levi to come home.
Not as much as I was, though.
“Keigan should be home from school soon,” she says, giving Levi and me a serious look as she releases him. “Beware. He says he has plans for you that involve a water gun and a plastic sled.”
“Jesus,” Levi chuckles. “Well, ok then. Noted.”
We head inside and up to Levi’s room, where his suitcase sits on his bed.
I drop onto the mattress and lean against the headboard as I stretch out, and Levi shoots me a horrified look.
“So dirty,” he mutters, eyeing my jeans.
I wiggle against the pillows. “So clean.”
“Asshole,” he huffs with a smile, and unzips his suitcase.
“Seriously, dude?” I roll my eyes. “That can’t wait for, like, an hour?”
“Why?” He shrugs as he lifts a pile of clean T-shirts from his suitcase. “If I do it now, it’s done.”
With a sigh, I wave my hand for him to continue. “Whatever.”
He tucks the shirts into the top drawer of his dresser. “We need to see if Allistair will take us lobster fishing again this summer.”
My chest flutters with excitement as I nod.
We’ve wanted to go on Levi’s uncle’s lobster boat since we were kids, but he always said he wouldn’t bring us until we were older.
When we turned eighteen last year, he finally took us, and we loved it.
The sunrise over the water, the massive waves spraying us with salt water, the chaos of the entire thing… it was awesome.
“Fuck yeah,” I agree. “And we need to go to Cavendish Beach Music Festival.”
“Obviously,” Levi says, glancing over his shoulder with a sly grin. “I know Bell wants to go.”
I nod and look down at my hands. “Yeah.”
“Yeah,” he echoes, in a mocking, flat tone.
He stands before his suitcase with a fistful of socks and eyes me.
“Come on, Si. Admit it. It’s been a fucking year.
She comes home more than most people do when they go away for school, and you know it’s for you.
” He shrugs and drops his socks into a drawer.
“And once you start sleeping with a girl, you know you gotta put a label on it.”
I let out a sharp laugh and stare at him. “Oh really? This is coming from you?”
He rolls his eyes. “Don’t make this about me.”
I sit up and shake my head in disbelief. “How many girls you sleep with this year again?”
“Oh, please,” Levi says, closing the drawer. “Just a few. It’s not like I’m an asshole about it. They all agreed to keep it casual.”
“Hm,” I hum, settling back against the pillows with a smile as I watch his feathers get ruffled. I know he’s not a dick. He’s careful, honest, and treats everyone with respect. But he’s also clearly not one to commit easily.
Levi glares at me, but then his expression softens. “Si…”
Something shifts inside me, and I feel the walls slowly start to go up as I realize where this is headed. “What?”
He sits on the edge of the bed. “She really does like you.”
I nod and look down at my hands again. “I know,” I say quietly. And I can’t ignore the panic that starts to stir deep inside me.
Levi is quiet for a moment. And I know he understands my thoughts. He knows what I’m thinking and feeling.
That no one truly likes me. They put up with me. They tolerate me because they have to.
And when I get to be too much, they leave.
They always leave.
So why even bother trying?
“Have you spoken to your mom lately?” Levi asks gently.
I glance up at him and see him watching me with so much care, tears sting the back of my eyes.
I don’t talk about my mom unless he asks, and he doesn’t ask often.
Because he knows it hurts. But he also knows that the large amount of pain the relationship holds bleeds into all the other areas of my life, whether I want it to or not.
I shake my head. “I haven’t seen her in two months.”
Levi exhales heavily. “I’m sorry.”
I swallow hard and blink fast, willing everything inside me to stay buried. “It’s easier,” I say.
Which, in a way, is true. Now that I can live and work full-time on the farm, I’m no longer a constant disappointment in a house that wanted something different from me.
I wasn’t able to be the happy, easy, loving son she wanted and needed, and as guilty as I feel to admit it…
I feel safer being with Dad. Even though she’s never done anything bad to me.
But for as long as I can remember, something deep inside me just kept pushing her away. And eventually, she stopped trying.
It's no wonder she wants nothing to do with me now that she doesn’t have to.
But… it’s not just her. I push anyone away who tries to get too close.
My therapist says it’s because I expect everyone to leave.
That keeping space between me and other people is how I stay safe.
And I hate that it makes sense. Because the moment something feels real, I start finding ways to push it away before it can disappear on its own.
It’s better to ruin it on my own before they can leave me.
“You don’t have to be strong with me,” Levi says.
I nod, not meeting his gaze. “I know.”
We’re both quiet for a moment before Levi stands up and heads back to his suitcase. “I also want to go four-wheeling and camping for a weekend or two.”
A smile spreads over my lips as the sadness slowly fades and excitement takes over. “Me too.”
Levi smiles, and I watch him as he methodically folds his clothes to put them away.
Fuck, I missed him.
“And fishing,” Levi says suddenly, looking up at me again. “You don’t know how much I’ve missed fishing.”
I furrow my brow at him. “We never really fished that much…”
He shrugs. “I know, but there’s no fishing, camping, four-wheeling— none of that in downtown Toronto. I just need it all.”
I laugh. “Alright, then. We’ll go fishing.”
“Perfect,” he chuckles, then quickly glances at me. “Oh, and I’m going away for a week at the end of July.”
“Where?” I ask as a pit starts forming in my stomach.
“Montreal.”
And the pit grows.
“Why?” I ask, trying to keep my anxiety in check.
“To visit Julien. And Noah is going too. You met them on FaceTime a few times. They live in my dorm and are on my rec hockey league.” Levi turns to face me, and I try to make my expression easy and unbothered, but I don’t think it works.
I nod. “Yeah. Ok.”
Fuck. I hate this feeling. This guilty, gnawing feeling right in my stomach… this feeling of jealousy.
This is our time. It’s our summer. He spent the entire year with them, and we only have a few months before he’s gone again. Before he goes back to them. Even over Christmas and his spring break, he was texting and talking to them…
And I get it. He’s allowed to have other friends. I just hate how much it scares me. Because if he ever decides they’re enough… that they’re easier… and if one day he forgets to come back…
I won’t survive if he leaves me too.
“Hey.”
Levi’s room suddenly comes back into focus, and my eyes slowly find him, sitting next to me.
“It’s just a week,” he says gently.
I nod, trying hard to ignore the echo of those words in the back of my head, in my mom’s voice. It’s the same thing she would say when she went on work trips, when it was supposed to be my time with her.
Levi leans back next to me, pressing his shoulder against mine.
“No one’s ever going to replace you, Si.
Never.” He bumps me a little harder. “We’re just going to a concert, hanging out in Montreal for a bit, and I’ll be home before you know it.
And then you’ll be kicking me out of your tractor and begging me to leave you alone. ”
I huff a small laugh. “You won’t last a full day in the tractor.”
“Try me,” Levi says seriously, his competitive side immediately kicking in. Then he smiles softly. “We’re going to have an awesome summer. You and me.”
I smile back at him as my fear starts to fade. “You and me.”
He bumps me again with his shoulder, then hops off the bed and pulls out his phone. Music fills the room, and immediately a feeling of familiar comfort washes over me.
We’ve spent a lot of time in here, with Levi’s music playing in the background as he works away at something he’s supposed to be doing while I just exist next to him.
I watch Levi as he finishes unpacking, talking the entire time about our summer plans and already setting them into motion as he texts his uncle and books campsites between putting things away.
Even though it feels like everything is changing… I know some things never will.
And I’m very thankful for that.