Chapter 9
NINE
WE WERE ALMOST TWENTY-TWO
I shift the tractor into park and jump down, flipping my hat around so the beak shields my eyes from the bright midday sun. It’s only spring, but I can tell this is going to be a hot summer.
I walk a few paces out on the field I just crossed, scanning the rows that were just planted last week. Everything looks… ok. But that’s the problem.
This was our problem field last year. It produced a high percentage of potatoes with hollow heart—the empty, brown cavities in the middle of the potato that don’t show themselves until they’re cut open at harvest. We figured it was from heavier-than-usual rain last year, and because this field sits lower than the others, sloping toward the tree line at the far edge of the property.
But… I don’t know. I have a feeling there’s something else going on with this field.
We got some rain last night, so I let the soil settle this morning, then did a sweep of the entire field.
And it’s not draining like it should. Water seems to be pooling in the southwest corner and draining faster on the other side.
And overall, the soil is packed too tightly for the amount of rain we got.
If uneven moisture continues in this field throughout the summer, the tubers will grow too fast under stress, and we’ll end up with another field of potatoes with hollow heart.
And the worst part is, it’s completely unpredictable.
It doesn’t show up until harvest, when it matters most, and can ruin our contracts and reputation.
We can do everything right… and still fail.
Maybe if we change the irrigation timing—
“Still here?”
I look over my shoulder as Dad approaches, squinting out over the rows before me.
“Yeah.” I turn back to the field. “Why?”
“Well,” he stops to stand beside me, “Levi’s home.”
I nod, not looking at him. “Ok.”
But my chest tightens. I knew he was getting home today, but I didn’t know when.
“Going to go see him?” Dad asks.
I just shrug, staying focused on the row in front of me and letting my gaze follow the furrow all the way to the edge of the field, where the ground dips.
“Silas,” Dad says gently. “I’m sure he wants to see you.”
“I haven’t talked to him all week,” I say.
“He’s been busy. He was writing finals,” Dad says. He’s quiet for a moment, then releases a heavy breath. “I know you guys don’t talk or see each other as much as you used to. Things have changed. But… I know he still means a lot to you. And you mean a lot to him.”
I swallow hard and nod. Whatever it was that started to wedge itself between us over the past year has only grown.
He has a whole other life in Toronto now, filled with concerts and parties and exams that I couldn’t even begin to understand.
And I’m still here, setting my alarm for 4:30 every morning to plow fields and fix machines that break the same way every season.
He comes home less and stays away longer, spending his breaks travelling or even staying at school.
And last summer, when he did come back, it was late, and he left early, like there was something else pulling him away.
“A lot has changed,” I say, dropping my gaze to the dirt before me. “There’s no reason for him to keep coming back.”
Dad doesn’t respond right away, and I hear the soft sigh escape him.
“How about you go visit him this year again?” Dad asks. “We’ll give you time off. You never take any. You can go in the fall when the weather is still nice.”
I immediately shake my head. “I can’t.”
He reaches out and grips my arm, gently pulling me to face him.
“It’s Levi. This isn’t…” he trails off as the sadness in his eyes becomes impossible to ignore, and I quickly look away.
He doesn’t have to finish that thought. I know what he’s saying.
This isn’t like Mom. Where the distance grew until it became unavoidable, and she could make her escape.
So she could finally build the life she really wanted with a new husband and his kids who aren’t fuck-ups.
Now all she has to do is send me an email or a text every couple months so she can still call herself my mother.
She gave up because I’m either too much or not enough to fit into her new life… and we both know I can’t be fixed.
But Levi wouldn’t do that… right?
Dad tilts his head towards the farm behind us. “Go. You’re done for the day. I’ll put the tractor away.”
I hesitate, but nod.
Dad pats my back as he moves past me to hop into the tractor, and I pull my phone out as I head towards the driveway.
And my heart sinks a bit when there are no notifications on my screen.
I tap Levi’s name and type out a message.
Silas: Lighthouse?
The three dots appear almost instantly, followed by his reply.
Levi: Already here
I head down the dirt road, walking quickly as the sun warms my skin and the sounds of the ocean grow louder. I glance at Levi’s house as I pass, and it’s like nothing has changed. It looks the same as it always does… even though he’s home.
My heart thumps harder as the narrow path to the beach comes into view.
But it feels different from the usual excitement I feel when I see him after we’ve had time apart.
That feeling has slowly been pushed out by something different that feels more like unease and worry.
Like I’m just waiting for something bad to happen.
I hate that.
But I am looking forward to seeing him. I haven’t even been in the lighthouse since he was home last summer.
And even then, we didn’t go much. I’ve been waiting because it’s always been ours.
Even when I wanted to go, when I needed it after running into Ashton and Jeremy in town and hearing the same tired shit about how I’m just a farmer, or when Bell ended whatever it was we were trying to figure out because I couldn’t get my shit together…
I still didn’t go. I could have used the quiet and the familiar comfort the lighthouse brings, but I stayed away. Because I only go there with Levi.
He doesn’t even know most of this. He’s been busy, and I didn’t want to bother him with stupid shit when he was at school doing things that are way more important.
But maybe this summer, things can go back to how they used to be.
When I step onto the red sand, my eyes land on Levi immediately.
He’s sitting in the middle of the beach, arms draped over his knees as he faces the water, and his brown hair blows in the wind.
The waves crash on the sand in a messy rhythm as seagulls circle overhead and cry into the bright blue sky, and I pull a breath in to let the salty air calm me.
“Hey,” I say as I drop onto the sand next to him.
He looks at me and smiles, his brown eyes brightening as he bumps his shoulder against mine. “Hey.”
“When did you get back?”
“A few hours ago,” he says. “Sorry. My grandparents were visiting. It was busy.”
I nod, looking out at the water. “It’s alright.”
But it isn’t. None of this feels right. And I fucking hate that. It’s not supposed to be like this. We don’t do silence and awkward hellos. This isn’t who we are.
Maybe Dad’s right. Maybe I do need to take time off and spend it with him. And I don’t want to wait until the fall. Levi’s here now, and we can make it better.
“I was thinking we could go camping at Brudenell this summer,” I say. “I can take some time off.”
Levi doesn’t say anything, and I turn to look at him.
He bites the inside of his cheek, then shifts his eyes to meet mine. “Si… I’m only home for a week.”
Everything in me stills as I stare back at him, and it feels like the world starts closing in. The sounds of the waves and seagulls fade, and all I can hear is my heart thumping.
No.
Please, no.
“What?” I manage to say, squeezing my hands together in an attempt to bring the feeling back to them.
“I got an internship in Toronto for the summer,” he says cautiously, keeping his eyes on me.
“It’s in Agricultural Technology, which is exactly what I wanted.
I’ll be working in sustainability reporting and operational optimization.
It’s everything I’ve been studying and that I love. It’s perfect… and it starts next week.”
My brow furrows as I try to follow what he’s saying. “And you need to go to Toronto to work in agriculture?”
“I know,” he says with a half-smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Sounds weird. But that’s where the head offices are for these big corporations.”
I shift my gaze back out over the water and clench my jaw, trying to make sense of everything rushing through me.
I know this is what he’s been working towards.
He found his passion for sustainability and agricultural technology early on in his degree, and this is exactly what he wants. I should be happy for him.
Am I an asshole for not being happy…?
“This is your only time here all summer?” I ask, keeping my eyes fixed on the water, because I already know the answer. And I don’t want him to see the hurt I know I’m not hiding.
“Yeah,” he says quietly.
“And you couldn’t have told me this?” I ask, turning towards him now as the hurt suddenly takes a sharp turn towards anger.
Levi winces. “I… I didn’t know how.”
I huff and shake my head, looking away again. “Yeah. Why would you?”
“What does that mean?” Levi asks, an edge to his voice now as he leans forward to try to catch my eye.
I keep my gaze on the water, but I can feel it building.
I try to keep it down and tell myself I’m not mad at him—I’m just mad.
I’m mad that I let it get like this, and that I can’t be enough.
That I can’t be the kind of person who makes someone stay.
That I can’t just go visit him, and be a normal twenty-one-year-old guy.
“Nothing,” I mutter.
“No,” Levi says. “Say it.”
Heat rises in my chest, and I pick at my fingers as I try to control it. But it just keeps coming… searching for a target.
I turn my head to look at Levi. He’s staring right at me with a tense jaw, ready for what he probably knows I’m about to throw at him.
“You’re too busy with your city life to care about me anymore.”
I regret the words the second they leave my mouth. But at the same time, I don’t. Because they’re true. Or they’ve started to feel true, little by little, over the past year. And I’ve never said it out loud before now.
Levi’s eyes darken, and his shoulders tense. And for the first time, I see real anger in him. He doesn’t usually get mad. He always stays calm, no matter what. But right now, anger is all I can see.
“That’s not fair,” he says in a low voice.
“No.” I shake my head. “It isn’t.”
He throws his hands in the air. “What do you want me to do? Did you think I’d just move back here after school, and nothing would change?”
If my heart wasn’t hurting before, it is now.
“So, now you’re telling me you’re never coming back after you graduate?”
His expression softens slightly. “Well… not never.” He shrugs and shifts his gaze to the crashing waves.
“But no. I won’t be moving back. There aren’t exactly a lot of systems analyst jobs on the island, especially starting out.
And little opportunity for growth in that role. I want to be something.”
My eyes snap to him, and his slide back to me.
“Because no one can be something here,” I say.
Levi sighs and shakes his head. “That’s not what I meant.”
But it’s true.
He was always meant to be something. So he has to leave.
And I was never going to be anything. So he has to leave me.
He was always going to leave. I just refused to believe it.
I swallow thickly and nod. “Yeah. You’re right. I don’t know why I thought you’d ever come back.”
Levi rubs a hand over his face, and I see the same hurt in him that I’m feeling. “I don’t want to leave you, Si.”
“You already did.”
He drops his hand and glares at me. “I had to.”
I just nod and push to my feet. I can’t do this anymore… if this is done, then I need to leave.
If we’re done…
I can’t be here.
I can’t do this.
“Where are you going?” Levi asks, standing as well.
“I have more work to do,” I say, turning to head for the path back to the road.
“You’re just going to leave?”
I stop, pausing for a moment before I turn to face him. “I’m not the one leaving.”
He doesn’t say anything as we stand on the beach facing each other. The lighthouse stands tall behind him against the bright blue sky, which was once a symbol of our friendship, and holds everything we’ve shared together.
“I don’t know how to do this, Levi.”
“I don’t either.”
The sounds of the ocean take over the space between us, and seagulls call overhead as we once again stand in silence. And I can’t take it anymore. I can’t be here with him in a space we no longer share.
“I’ll see you around this week. If you have time.” Then I turn and head up the path and onto the dirt road.
I don’t look back and just keep walking. Tears sting my eyes, blurring the dirt road and the fields, but I blink them away and try to hold everything in.
I’m a fucking idiot for not seeing this coming.
I’m just a farmer with no future. My biological parents didn’t want me, my mother doesn’t want me…
Why would he want me? He’s always had to look after me and push me through life.
And now he finally has a life that’s his.
Which is not here. It’s not on the island, and it’s not with me.
My best friend started slipping away the second he left for school.
And now I think he’s gone for good.