Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
“Hey, kid.”
I look up as I step into the garage to see Peter and Rob hunched over one of the farm trucks with the hood popped.
“Hey.” I nod towards the truck as I set my tools down on a workbench. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Peter says, waving his hand at it dismissively. “Just changing out the air filter and doing an oil change. Get the fan fixed in the shed?”
I nod, walking over to them. “Just a fuse.”
Rob nods. “Good.” Then he jerks his chin at the truck, the corner of his mouth lifting into a sly smirk. “Now you can finish this.”
I huff and shove my hands in my pockets. “I did my work for the day. Not my fault you’re slow.”
Peter barks out a laugh and jerks his thumb at me as he turns to Rob. “Teach him a thing or two, and now he’s a damn expert.”
I smile as they both laugh, and Rob claps me on the back.
“When you get to be our age, you’ve earned the right to take your time,” he says. “And to make the young guys do the heavy lifting.”
“Hey.”
We all turn as Dad enters the garage. His eyes flick from me to the workbench, then back to me, like he’s seeing if I’ve finished my work. Seriously, what’s with these guys…
“Hey, Scottie,” Rob says with a smile. “Got the new hire all sorted?”
Dad nods as he stops next to me. “Starting in a couple days.”
“Perfect,” Al calls from the far end of the garage. He closes a binder and shoves it onto a shelf with other books and binders. “We need to finalize planting yesterday.”
“I know,” Dad says with another nod.
He looks… off. I didn’t think he was this stressed about it. He said the new person would start in time to advise on planting, even if it’s tight.
“So,” Peter leans back against the truck with his arms crossed, “where’s this hotshot coming from?”
Dad glances around the garage. “I’ll explain everything in a bit.” Then he looks at me and tilts his head towards the door. “Silas, come with me.”
He turns towards the door and heads outside, and I follow, watching the way his shoulders sit a little higher than usual and how he keeps his focus straight ahead without saying a word.
We cross the lot towards the office, and as we enter through the green door, my pulse picks up.
Fuck. Did I screw something up? Am I about to get in shit over something I missed or did wrong?
As we move down the hallway towards his office, I run through everything I did today. I checked moisture levels in the east field, swapped out the damaged hose near the pump, flagged the uneven section along the fence line…
The second Dad closes the office door behind us, I turn to face him. “Just tell me what I did wrong.”
He pauses with his hand still on the knob as his eyebrows lift. Then his features soften, and he shakes his head. “No, no. You didn’t do anything.”
I release a heavy breath as relief flows through me. I drop into the chair across from his desk and lift my hat, drag my fingers through my hair, and settle it back into place. “Well, fuck. Then what’s this for?”
Dad lowers himself into the chair next to me, looking very… serious.
“The Operations Support Specialist we hired…” he says, eyeing me carefully, “is Levi Campbell.”
I freeze as I just stare at Dad, unable to move or speak.
Levi… my ex-best friend, Levi… coming to work here… on my farm…
Sights and sounds turn fuzzy and grey as I try to latch onto any kind of thought or feeling, but everything seems to be just out of reach. My hands tingle and my heart thumps, but it feels like it doesn’t even belong to me.
My farm… mine.
Pressure on my arm pulls me out of the haze, and I blink as I realize the pressure is coming from Dad’s hand on me, and he’s saying my name. I shift my eyes to meet his, and he tilts his head to catch my gaze.
“You hear me?” he asks.
All I can do is nod and just keep looking into his blue eyes as I try to stay here.
“I didn’t know,” he says. “Farm Services handled the posting and hiring, and they don’t release client details until contracts are signed. So he didn’t know either.”
My heart thumps harder as I drop my eyes to my lap, and the tingles in my hands spread through my body as I try to fight the fuzziness in my head. It’s like I’m frozen, just staring at my knees, unable to form a single fucking thought, action, or word.
Dad shifts to the edge of his seat. “Silas… I spoke to him today.”
My eyes snap back to his, and he gives me a sad smile.
“He asked about you.”
My pulse thunders in my ears as my breaths come faster, and the tingles turn into a loud buzz. I don’t know what’s happening. It’s like I’m losing control, and I don’t know why.
“He’s worried,” Dad says gently.
Hot tears prick the back of my eyes, and suddenly, everything hits me.
Half thoughts and messy feelings crash into me all at once. Every single one of them is competing to be heard, but only some are loud enough to get through.
He left. He didn’t want me. He didn’t care. Leaving was always part of his plan. I’m nothing. He hates me.
But I also know that’s not true. I know that I know it’s not like that… but I can’t believe it. Because those thoughts are whispering while the others are yelling, and I can’t hear anything else. No matter how hard I try.
Dad’s grip tightens around my arm, and I close my eyes, trying to focus on the pressure moving through me and trying to listen to the whispers.
“He’s going to be working on the farm full time…” Dad says. “For two years.”
My chest hurts, and my heart thuds so loud it drowns out any thought or feeling I could even try to hang on to.
I blink back my tears and try my hardest to find my voice and say something.
Anything. But my muscles won’t work, and my mouth stays closed.
My hands shake, my eyes squeeze shut, my breaths come fast and shallow, and it’s as if the entire world is closing in on me.
Everything I’ve ever felt rises to the surface, crashing over me and swirling around like my own brain is taunting me. Like it’s teasing me, telling me to reach for something and see what happens, knowing it’s only going to pull me under even more.
It’s so overwhelming, I bend over and bring my hands to my head as I gasp for air, wanting it all to just stop.
Dad appears on the floor in front of me, his hands gripping my arms tight. “You’re safe,” he murmurs.
And tears start streaming from my eyes.
I don’t know what’s happening. What the fuck is happening…
My fingers dig into my head as I grip it hard and squeeze my eyes shut so tight I see stars. My heart feels like it’s going to explode, and I’m not ok. I’m not ok. Fuck.
“It’s alright, Silas.” Dad’s voice sounds far away, and I can barely feel his grip on me. “Breathe with me, bud. Right here… it’s ok.”
Slowly, the sensations of his hands on my arms return, and the crushing pressure in my chest subsides, just enough for me to open my eyes and meet his.
“Breathe,” he says quietly with a gentle nod, and tears trickle down my cheeks as I look into his eyes.
He’s done this with me more times than I can remember. When I was little, and as I got older… usually before I had to go to Mom’s. But this hasn’t happened in a long, long time.
“This is just panic,” he says. “Your body’s acting before your thoughts can catch up.”
My gaze falls to my lap, then I close my eyes, and my body continues to buzz as my heart races.
I hate it. I hate that I act this way… I don’t want to act this way…
“I know this is a lot,” Dad continues. “You have a lot of history with him.”
I swallow hard and nod.
“Yeah. And…” Dad pauses, and I look up at him.
I need him to keep going. I need answers. I need to know it’s going to be ok, I’m going to be ok, and he’s going to be ok. He always has to do this with me… and I hate that I keep putting him through this shit.
Dad gives me a soft smile that immediately pushes those fears back a bit.
“You’ve held this for a long time, and… I think it’s probably bringing up some feelings around other things too.
Things we know, and things we don’t know…
Your brain has a hard time sorting past from present.
” Dad’s eyes flick between mine like he’s assessing me to see if I understand what he’s saying.
Unfortunately, I do.
“I’m sorry, Silas. I know this is hard.”
More tears fall as I nod. It is fucking hard. And I wish I could just stop all of this. I don’t understand, and I know it’s coming from somewhere I can’t fully reach. Both Dad and my therapist tell me this all the time, and they both tell me it’s ok. But it doesn’t feel ok.
Dad pulls me into a hug, and I wrap my arms around him, pressing my forehead to his shoulder.
I wish I didn’t need so much help just to be a fucking human.
And I wish… I wish I could be happy that Levi was coming home.
Dad eventually releases me and squeezes my arm again as my tears slow and my breathing settles.
“You’re safe, Silas. I promise.”
I let those words swirl around me as my eyes shift out the window to the fields in the distance, and I release a shaky breath.
…am I?