Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
I watch Silas disappear through the garage doors, and heat rises up my spine.
What the fuck? I know he’s pissed that I’m here, but now he’s going to interfere with my job? The job his dad hired me to do? Does he seriously hate me that much that he’d let the whole farm suffer just to push me out?
My jaw tightens as I turn to Al and find Rob next to him, both of them glancing between me and the door like they’re waiting for a bomb to go off.
“I’m going to have to make changes if I’m going to do this properly,” I say, lifting a shoulder in a shrug. “He’s going to have to deal with it.”
“Yeah,” Rob says, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “We know. It’s just…” He exhales. “I’m guessing nobody told you.”
I glance between them. “Told me what?”
“Silas has been working on that field,” Al says. “He’s been trying to bring it back, and Scott gave him one more year with it.”
Fuck.
I groan and rub a hand over my face.
Of fucking course.
“That’s why it hasn't been pulled,” Al adds. “I assume Scott forgot to fill you in.”
I nod, dropping my hand from my face. “Yeah.”
Like this is going to make him hate me any less.
“So…” Rob gives me a tight-lipped look. “You’re going to have to work together on that one.”
A huff escapes me as my eyes travel to Silas’s abandoned workbench, where his tools scatter the surface, an oil pan sits under the tractor, and his hoodie is draped over the stool.
Easier said than done.
“Winston!”
I look up and down the dirt road in front of the house, both amazed and annoyed that he was able to take off as fast as he did. The road has open fields on either side where I stand, and I don’t see him anywhere.
“Winston!” I yell a little more firmly.
For fuck’s sake. I was going to take him to the beach again this evening, since it blew his mind last night, but it looks like he might have already run there himself.
With a sigh, I start to turn to head towards the beach, but a flicker of gold fur catches my eye, disappearing into the woods just up the road near the farm.
I groan, taking off at a run after him.
If anyone’s running a tractor this evening, I don’t trust him not to just run right up to it thinking it’s a fun new game. And that could end up being a complete disaster.
I run hard, reaching the end of the driveway Winston entered.
My lungs burn as I book it up the driveway of Silas’s grandparents’ house.
Luckily, I don’t see any tractors in the field that runs along the driveway, but I still don’t want him in that field.
They’ve been working hard to get the soil ready, and the last thing they need is a goofy golden retriever digging through it all.
“Winston!” I shout again, pausing partway up the driveway as the house comes into view. I look around for him, but everything’s quiet. It looks like Silas’s grandparents aren't home, and I don’t see Winston anywhere.
He must have kept going up the driveway to the old cabin in the woods.
I pull in a breath and set off at a run again. That cabin has been empty for as long as I can remember. I can only imagine what it looks like now.
My legs shake, and my chest heaves as I reach the trees, and they close in on me as I round the corner. But as the cabin comes into view, I stop dead in my tracks.
Winston sits on the front porch with his tongue out and tail wagging… sitting right next to Silas.
I pull air into my lungs, trying to catch my breath as I step forward. “Uh… hey.” I point at Winston. “That’s my dog.”
Silas glances over at him from his chair on the porch, and I notice the sketchbook on his lap and a pencil in his hand. My already racing heart seems to skip a beat, and I fight the urge to take a step closer.
“Winston, come,” I say, motioning for him to follow me, but he doesn’t move. He just continues to sit next to Silas with a goofy smile.
Silas doesn’t say anything as he just continues to watch me with a look that says I have just seconds to get out of here before he loses it on me.
Oh, fuck that.
“Look, I didn’t know, ok?” I throw my hands out to either side of me, as if there’s anything I can offer here that won’t make this worse. “If I knew you were doing something with that field, I wouldn’t have suggested scrapping it.”
He still doesn’t speak. He just gives me a single nod, then turns his gaze to the woods.
I huff out a breath as my frustration grows and takes over. “That’s it?” I ask, trying not to go off on him. “You’re not even going to speak to me?”
His eyes snap back to mine, and I pause. The hard edges of my anger soften a bit as I take in the look in his eyes, and I release a soft sigh. It’s the same look he had yesterday when I saw him by the tractor.
Fear.
I take a step forward. “Si…”
“Don’t.”
I stop, and Silas stands, tossing his sketchbook on the chair.
He shakes slowly as he stares me down. “Don’t do that.”
I hold his gaze as my brow furrows. “Do what?”
“You left,” he says, and I don’t miss the slight catch in his voice. “You don’t get to just come back here and start changing everything.”
I open my arms wide in exasperation. “I had to leave. You know that. And it’s my job to change things. It’s why your dad hired me!”
Silas studies me for a long moment before he nods, so small I almost miss it. “I know.”
My arms fall to my sides, and the distance between us feels bigger than it did a minute ago. Even from here, I can see the pain in his eyes, and I’m glad I’m far enough away that I don’t have to look into the depths of it.
At least not right now. I don’t think I can handle it right now.
“So… what’s the problem, then?” I ask, trying to ignore my own pain.
His chest rises and falls, and he turns his head, looking out into the trees again. His fingers curl tight, and he picks at the edge of his thumb as his jaw clenches.
Right now, he looks exactly like the boy I knew all those years ago, who struggled with everything. The boy who had to work so hard just to hold it all together when the world was trying to tear him down.
And I don’t know how to tell him that I’m not here to tear him or his world down. Because I know that’s all he sees when he looks at me.
“I know change is hard for you,” I say quietly.
His eyes shift to meet mine again, and they glisten before he blinks it away. “You don’t know me.”
I stare back at him, blinking a few times as I bite the inside of my cheek.
He’s right.
I don’t know him. Not anymore.
And I hate that feeling.
“I know,” I say with a nod, emotion welling in my chest.
Once again, I want to just go to him. I want to walk across this space between us and say fuck it and hug him and make everything go back to the way it used to be. But I know we can’t. I know it doesn’t work like that. And I know that’s not what he wants.
His gaze drops, and Winston looks up at him as Silas turns towards the cabin.
When his back is to me, I pull a breath in and let the words spill out. “I want to, though.”
He pauses and slowly turns to look at me again. “Why?”
My brow furrows. “What do you mean, why? You were my best friend.”
He blinks, dropping his eyes for a moment as he shifts his weight. When he looks up at me again, I swear I see the wall lower just a little bit, and I see more of him behind it.
“Then why did you let me go?”
He might as well just send a dagger across the driveway, right into my heart.
That day on the beach flickers in my mind as I picture him walking away from me, and hurt overrides everything else I might have been feeling.
“Why did you?” I ask.
Silence stretches between us as we just stand here staring at each other, and a soft breeze moves through the pine and bare maple trees around us, while birds chirp softly in the distance. But a storm is brewing in the middle of this peaceful place.
I watch as Silas’s wall shifts back into place, and his chin lifts slightly. “Because it hurt to keep chasing something I didn’t belong in.”
Then he turns, heads inside the cabin, and slams the door behind him.
Winston whines as we both stare at the closed door.
Regret, sadness, anger, guilt, and more all swirl around inside me, and I don’t know which one hurts the most.
I didn’t want it to go this way. I wanted to take him with me in whatever way I could. I kept hoping he would meet me partway, even when I knew he didn’t know how. I needed him to stay with me. He did belong with me, just like I belonged with him.
My eyes wander around the space Silas created for himself here, as I desperately try to keep my emotions in check.
We used to play in this old cabin as kids. We built forts in the woods and would camp out here in the summer, pretending we were far away in another province, or even another country.
He’s fixed it up, just enough to live in, and has moved himself as far away as he can while still staying close.
My gaze lands on his old red truck parked next to the cabin, and I swallow hard. This truck he used to love and care for and was a source of joy and pride for him, now sits abandoned.
He built his own world out here, isolated inside something already too small.
Like he’s abandoning himself.
I turn and look through the trees towards the hollow heart field, and sigh.
I have no idea how to do this.