Chapter 22
TWENTY-TWO
“Given the latest soil-tension model, and the normalized difference vegetation index over the south-west block, I recommend switching to variable-rate seeding to match biomass targets and align seed placement depth with the updated root-zone moisture profile to reduce early stand variability.”
My eyes drift across the lines on the screen while Levi talks, and my head fucking swims. He stands at the front of the room with his shirt sleeves neatly rolled up and confidently gestures to charts and numbers layered over a map of the fields.
I cross my arms as I lean against the back wall of the meeting room, glaring at the screen as Levi clicks to another slide.
We’ve never done this before. We’ve never had meetings and presentations to plant. We plant. Al goes over last year’s data, we adjust where needed based on performance, and we know what to do.
“We can reduce the risk of uneven emergence and suboptimal stand establishment by sequencing planting operations this way,” Levi continues.
“And the VRA prescriptions tied to the management zones should reduce input waste and improve consistency across blocks that have historically shown high yield variability.”
What the fuck?
“Perfect,” Dad says with a nod, and my eyes fall to him where he sits at the table. “We’ve had some issues with over-applying in some zones, so this sounds like just what we need to prevent that this year.”
My brow furrows as everyone murmurs their agreements around the room.
What are they even talking about? What the fuck are soil-tension models? And normalized difference vegetation something…?
I shift my weight as my fingers dig into my arms, and I clench my jaw.
We’ve never done this before…
“Sounds like an excellent plan,” Al says, then he leans forward to cross his forearms on the table. “But what about the drainage issues we had last year in the southwest field?”
Levi smiles and clicks to the next slide, where even more fucking graphs cover the screen.
A heavy breath escapes me as I take in the lines that look like a tangled disaster, and the words underneath them all seem to blur together. I still don’t know what this new planting plan even is. I haven’t understood a single fucking thing said since we came in here.
“The higher soil tension combined with cooler root zone moisture during rapid bulking did increase stress risk in that zone.” Levi gestures to one of the lines, and heads nod around the room.
“So, if we synchronize depth with moisture levels and adjust rates accordingly, we should smooth out variability and improve drainage response.”
My glare shifts from the screen to Levi, and heat crawls up my spine.
I know these words. I know what it all means in the field. I know what the soil feels like when it’s too compact, and I know how the plants look when they’re fighting for space and oxygen.
But he’s taken everything I know, twisted it all into a tangled mess, and placed it out of reach. And now he’s using it to change everything, and I’m being left behind as I try to keep up.
I know why we’re doing this. I know some things need to change to improve the farm and increase yields. I know there are contracts and risks, and this has to happen.
But why does it have to be like this? With charts, graphs, math… and Levi.
Everyone falls into conversation about soil tension and other shit I don’t understand, and my gaze bounces around the room as I try to follow it.
They all get it.
Everyone is contributing, agreeing with Levi, and making a plan I don’t understand.
I’m not a part of this.
My fingers dig into my arms so hard I wouldn’t be surprised if I bruise, and my chest rises and falls with quick, shallow breaths. I shift my gaze out the window to the field in the distance and stare at it as I try to control the electric hum building under my skin, begging to be set free.
But I can’t take it anymore.
My body moves on its own as I leave the room, and the voices fade away behind me. My hands shake at my sides, and I blow out a breath as I walk out of the office and head straight for the hollow heart field.
I don’t know if Levi had a slide coming up for this one. But I couldn’t stay to find out.
I stop at the edge of the field and look over the freshly tilled soil. My gaze locks on an area of the field in the distance as the edges of my mind blur, and I let myself fall into a comfortable numbness.
The swirling, half-finished, angry, noisy thoughts that I can’t fully latch onto slowly quiet, and others grow louder.
I’m too stupid to keep up.
I only have a job here because of Dad.
I don’t know anything.
I’ll never be anything.
No one will wait for me.
I’m not worth it.
My eyes drop to the soil at my feet, and I stare at it, letting my mind settle on those familiar thoughts. And with them, they bring an intense, deep sadness.
The sadness only grows as those thoughts gnaw at me while I walk along the perimeter of the field, like I do at the end of each day.
But today, I walk slower. And when I reach the spots I always check, I crouch down and linger a little longer than usual, digging my fingers into the loosened earth and lifting a handful.
The soil slips through my fingers, sifting over my skin before falling back to the ground.
I watch the granules separate and settle, noticing the way they clump slightly before breaking apart again.
It’s getting close… but it's still not where it needs to be.
The sound of panting sounds behind me, and I turn to see a golden retriever trotting up to me.
It’s Levi’s dog… Winston.
My eyes immediately lift and look around, but all I see are fields and the empty stretch of land between me and the main buildings.
Winston plops himself down to sit in the soil next to me, and he looks like he’s smiling as his tongue hangs out of his mouth. He stares right at me like I should be proud of him for being here, but my heart picks up its pace.
If he’s here, then…
My eyes dart towards the buildings, and the electricity inside me hums to life once again.
I’ve successfully avoided Levi all week since he showed up at my cabin.
I kept to the fields, steered clear of the office, and timed my work so I wouldn’t cross paths with him in the garage.
And from what I can tell, he’s done the same.
Al has been walking to Levi’s office instead of meeting in the garage like they had been, and I can take a guess at whose idea that was.
But today was a reminder of why things ended up this way.
He’s smart. He can do the job and be the person everyone needs and wants. He can build systems and plans and confidence, and do it right. He gives Dad exactly what he’s looking for.
I can’t do any of those things.
Winston lifts a paw, holding it up in the air, and I meet his eyes. He paws the air a couple times, like he’s desperate for me to take it.
I let the last of the soil fall from my fingers and turn my hand over, holding my palm open. He places his paw against it immediately, and his smile grows even bigger.
A small smile of my own tugs at the corner of my lips at this goofy dog, and he shuffles closer to lean against me so hard I have to drop a hand to the dirt to keep myself from falling over.
But he just looks up at me with his tongue hanging out of his mouth, and I pull a deep breath into my lungs as my hand lifts to the top of his head.
His fur is soft and warm from the sun, and I let my hand run down his back as a wave of calm ripples through me. I do it again, and Winston closes his eyes like it feels just as good for him, and my smile breaks free.
“Winston!”
A jolt crashes through me as I drop my hand from Winston’s fur, and my eyes snap up at the sound of Levi’s voice.
Winston glances at me one more time, then takes off towards the farm with legs flailing in every direction, and ears flopping with each stride.
I straighten up slowly as I watch him go, and Levi appears around the equipment shed.
My heart thumps so hard it hurts, and my hands tingle as I forget to breathe.
Levi smiles widely as he crouches down with his arms open to greet his dog. He ruffles Winston’s fur with both hands, and his soft laugh drifts in the air to land somewhere deep in my chest in a way that both hurts and makes me want more.
And even though the hurt feels bigger, I can’t stop watching.
I can’t look away from his smile.
He looks happy. He looks like the Levi I used to know and love.
The one who raced me on the beach, made comics with me, and jumped off red cliffs into the water without a care in the world.
The Levi who climbed out of his bedroom window in the middle of the night just to meet me at the lighthouse when I couldn’t sleep, and who was always there for me, no matter what.
But I’m suddenly pulled back into my own body, and those memories disappear as he looks up and his gaze meets mine.
Winston looks back at me as well, then turns and runs straight to me. But Levi doesn’t call him back. He just watches as Winston sits at my feet, looking up at me as he leans against my legs.
The pressure from his weight against me keeps my muscles from moving and my mind from leaving as I just watch Levi and wait to see what he’s going to do.
My hand finds Winston’s head, and I sink my fingers into his fur while my heart races.
And as Levi eventually takes a step towards me, my body acts on its own, leaning further into Winston and keeping my hand on his soft fur.
My breaths quicken as tension rolls through me, but I don’t move, even though the urge rises to take a few steps back.
It’s Levi. That’s supposed to mean something… I’m not supposed to be scared. I don’t understand why I avoid him but look for him. And why I hope he’ll come closer, while fighting the urge to run away.
He stops several feet away and looks down at Winston sitting next to me. I’m very aware that my fingers are still buried in his fur, but I can’t make myself let go. Because if I do, I know I won’t be ok.
Levi doesn’t say anything as his gaze slowly drifts over the field. And I just watch him, taking this moment to see him while I’m not shrinking under his gaze.
A million different emotions tear through me as I look over the man standing before me. The man who’s no longer the boy I knew so well.
But as his hair blows gently in the breeze, and the setting sun paints his features in soft gold, I see the familiar parts of him. And like this, out here, he almost doesn’t feel like a stranger.
His gaze drifts back to mine, and my muscles tense.
“I can help you get readings—”
“No,” I say before I’ve even fully registered what he said. But as his offer catches up to me, and the anxiety inside me roars to life, I don’t add anything else.
Because this is the only thing I’ve ever tried to do on my own.
My entire life, I’ve needed help. I’ve needed help to learn, to make friends, to be a son, and to understand my own mind. I’ve needed help with everything. And even now, at twenty-six years old, I’m still chasing the same ground everyone else stands on.
But Levi was always the one to stand by my side. When I was too much, he didn’t even flinch. And when I was too little, he lifted me up.
So when he left, I lost the reason to keep trying.
But with this field, I am trying. I’m trying so fucking hard. I’m trying to do this on my own and prove that I’m not a useless idiot who needs someone to hold my hand through life. I need to prove that I can understand it, fix it, and keep it together.
If I take his help… It's just proof that I am that useless idiot. That I never could do this, or anything, on my own.
I can’t let this be another thing I fail at.
But as I look into his eyes… I realize I am failing.
I’m failing to stay mad at him. I’m failing to stay calm, failing to stay present, and failing at being a real person who can manage all this shit. I’m failing at what I need to be.
Levi exhales slowly. “Silas, I can help you.”
I shake my head. “No, you can’t.”
His head tilts slightly as his brow furrows, and I quickly drop my gaze from his.
I know he hears the truth in those words. And I both love and hate that he can still read me like that.
But he doesn’t know me anymore.
And I don’t know him.
Winston looks up between us, and I trace his soft fur with my fingers again, letting it take some of the discomfort away.
“We need to work together on this at some point,” Levi says.
I nod. “I know.”
And I do know. I know I can’t keep him out of this field forever. It’s a part of the farm, and he needs data and whatever else to do whatever the fuck he’s here for. I know that…
I just want to keep it as mine for as long as I can… before I lose it.
And if I’m being unreasonable, I know that too.
But my brain won’t let me do anything else.
“But not today,” I say, letting my hand fall from Winston’s head, and step past Levi.
But before I get too far, his voice reaches me again.
“You said it hurt to keep chasing something you didn’t belong in anymore.”
I pause, keeping my back to him and my eyes fixed on the dirt in front of me.
“But I keep coming to you,” he says. “And you keep leaving.”
I blink and swallow hard. I know that, too. But I don’t understand it.
I don’t understand why I look for him when he’s not around and run away when he’s here.
I don’t understand any of this.
So I keep walking, confusion building inside me with every step I take away from him.
And the farther I get, the more it hurts.
Because… he does belong here.
And I kind of wish he’d chase me.