Chapter 27
TWENTY-SEVEN
The coaster rolls between my fingers as I spin it over the table, and my leg bounces restlessly. I glance towards the door again, then force myself to look away at anything else.
Being back in this pub is a really weird feeling.
This is the only pub somewhat close to Linton, although it’s still a few towns away.
But it’s where Silas and I used to spend some time during the summer when I was home from school, playing pool, drinking cheap beer, and staying out later than we should have.
My gaze drifts to the pool tables near the back of the space, and I can’t help but chuckle to myself.
This is the place to be in our area of the island, and we always thought it was everything.
And even though I’ve been to more bars, pubs, and clubs in Toronto than I can even remember, none of them came close to this.
It’s all warm wood and low, amber lighting, with music just loud enough to hum to under the murmur of conversation and laughter in every corner.
No one here is showing off, competing, or starting drama…
It's just farmers, mechanics, teachers, and everyone else who’s a part of this community, just simply enjoying themselves and the company.
The door swings open and my head snaps up automatically. But as two older women enter, I release a breath and drop my gaze to the coaster in my hands again.
I didn’t offer to drive here with Silas because I didn’t want to push it.
The fact that he even agreed to meet me at all tonight had me nearly jumping out of my seat in excitement, but I also recognize that whatever we have here is pretty damn fragile right now.
So even though we’re both coming from the same stretch of road, meeting here just seemed like a safer option.
But now… I’m worried he might not show.
My thoughts drift back to this morning in the tractor, and to everything I saw in him.
The way he seemed to be on edge and nervous, and the tears in his eyes when he looked at me…
and then his smile. His perfect smile, that I missed so fucking much, and just want to see over and over again, every day.
And I’m starting to realize that it’s more than just nostalgia and me missing my best friend. There’s an uncomfortable truth sitting underneath that… one I’ve been avoiding. But it’s becoming clearer with each moment I spend with him and think about him.
I’m… attracted to him.
I’m attracted to my best friend. Or, I guess, the guy who used to be my best friend.
A guy. I’ve never been attracted to a guy before.
And it’s Silas. I spent my entire life with him.
We grew up together, rarely spending a day apart as we had sleepovers on the beach, joined each other’s family vacations, laughed and cried together, and did stupid shit like sneak out at night and tip cows over.
And now I keep staring at his lips and his muscles, and my stomach dips every time I think about him and the way he climbs into a tractor…
I drag a hand over my face and exhale slowly. What the fuck is happening to me?
Across the pub, one of the guys at the pool table leans forward to take his shot, and I let my gaze fall to his ass. I watch as he pulls the cue back, the muscles in his back and arm flexing with the movement, and something flickers inside me.
I like it. I like what I see, and I can’t help but watch as he takes his shot and lifts his beer to his lips.
But it’s not the same.
It’s not Silas.
I bring my attention back to my table and turn the coaster between my fingers.
Maybe it’s just the overwhelming emotions of having my best friend back in my life again, and they’re showing up in some…
weird ways. I haven’t really seen him in four years, and I used to see him every day, so of course I’m noticing the changes in him.
That has to be it.
The pub door opens, and my gaze immediately shifts to it, landing on Silas as he steps inside.
And there’s that stomach dip. But it’s even stronger this time, because oh my god.
He’s in his usual backwards hat with his messy hair poking out the sides, but everything else about him has my heart racing and my eyes glued to him. Silas off the farm is a whole new thing I didn’t know I needed.
He’s wearing sneakers and clean jeans that fit him fucking perfectly, hanging off his hips just right and forcing me to drag my gaze up his legs.
His white long-sleeve shirt is fitted over his broad shoulders, just enough for me to see the shape of him and imagine what those muscles look like uncovered.
My gaze continues to travel upwards, taking in every inch of him until his eyes land on me, and my heart thumps hard as I almost forget how to fucking breathe.
I may not fully understand what’s happening inside me right now, but I know one thing for sure… I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes off him if I tried.
He makes his way across the pub towards me, and I watch the way his eyes dart around and he awkwardly sidesteps people, looking completely out of place. It’s obvious he doesn’t leave the farm much. And I feel really hopeful and insanely happy that he chose to come here with me.
“Hey,” I say when he reaches the table.
“Hey,” he says, sliding onto the stool opposite me at the high-top table I snagged for us near the wall.
His gaze darts around the space again as he presses his lips together, then quickly glances at me and down at the table.
He looks so fucking nervous.
I hate that he’s nervous around me. And while I get it… I also don’t.
“So have you—” I start, but a waitress appears at the table, smiling between us.“What can I get you?”
I glance at Silas, but he just looks towards the bar at the row of taps.
“I’ll get a Gahan IPA,” I say, keeping my eyes on him.
His gaze flicks back to me, and I swear I see a small smile flicker at the corner of his lips. It’s our favourite beer from Prince Edward Island Brewing Company.
He nods, glancing up at the waitress. “Same.”
“Coming right up,” she says, turning to head to the bar.
Silas’s fingers trace the edge of the coaster in front of him, and his gaze moves around the pub like he has no idea where to look.
I smile, trying to put him at ease. “Do you come here much?” I ask.
And I internally groan.
Do you come here much? What the fuck kind of question is that? Jesus, it’s like I’m a teenager on a first date.
Silas looks at me like he also can’t believe I asked that question and I let out a laugh, rubbing a hand over my face.
“Fuck,” I mutter, dropping my hand with a smile. “Yeah, fair. Dumb question.”
He shrugs one shoulder, glancing around. “Not really. I haven’t been here since we were here last.”
I stare back at him, letting that sink in.
The last time we were here together was when I was home for Christmas during my third year of university. Five years ago.
“Oh,” I say quietly, and Silas just nods, looking down at the coaster in his hands as he runs his thumb along the edge.
An awkward silence stretches between us, and my mind seems to go completely blank as I try to come up with something to say.
“Here you go,” the waitress appears again, setting our beer down in front of us. “Can I get you anything else?”
“I think we’re good for now,” I say when Silas doesn’t respond.
“Alright, let me know if you change your mind. Enjoy.”
She disappears into the hum of the pub, leaving us alone again in silence.
I reach out and pick up my beer, watching Silas as he does the same and brings it to his lips. And I nearly forget to take a drink of my own as I watch his throat bob with his swallow.
And my head nearly fucking explodes as a million thoughts suddenly slam into me.
He’s Silas. I grew up with him. He was my best friend, and we were inseparable since we were three years old.
I’ve seen the bad and the ugly, the good and the beautiful, and everything in between.
And I still feel him in my bones as if time didn’t tear us apart.
This whole situation feels like some insane second chance, like life picked me up and dropped me right where I’m meant to be.
I could have ended up anywhere, yet I’m back here, in PEI, at his farm. In my home. This has to mean something.
And apparent attraction aside—which is a complete mindfuck on its own—I know what I need to do right now. I need to bridge this gap and close it. I know him, even if he thinks I don’t. I know he’s struggling, and I know he’s drowning in the same confusion I feel.
I’ll deal with my lingering gaze on his glistening lips later.
I drop my gaze to the table and pull in a breath. “So,” I start, looking up at him as his hazel eyes land on me, and I catch the anticipation in them, as if he’s been bracing for this since he walked in here. “We both think we left each other.”
The fear in him is clear right away, as his shoulders tighten and his fingers curl tighter around his beer glass, and I lean forward to close the distance between us as much as I can.
“I just want to talk about it,” I say gently. “I don’t want to fight. I just… I just want to understand.”
He swallows, and his chest rises and falls before he nods. “Me too.”
Relief washes over me, and I nod as well. “Ok.”
But then I have no idea what else to say. And clearly, he doesn’t either, as he starts picking at his fingers, and it looks like it’s taking everything for him to just be here.
“I…” I start, trying to sort through the thoughts in my head.
I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, but now that he’s sitting right here, everything is a jumbled mess.
But when he lifts his eyes to meet mine again, the mix of want, need, fear, and desperation I see in them pulls my focus back into place.
“I think we both didn’t handle it as well as we could have,” I say.
Silas nods, looking down at his beer. “Yeah.”