Chapter 45
FORTY-FIVE
Winston sprints across the garage after his ball, skidding against the concrete as he pounces on it, then fumbles it between his teeth before finally getting a grip and racing back to Levi.
Levi chuckles under his breath as he finishes typing something on his laptop at my workbench, then leans down, picks up the ball, and throws it again. Winston tears after it, sliding along the floor to the far side of the garage and scrambling to turn himself around.
I shake my head and turn back to the bearing assembly on the tractor, working the puller into place so I can ease the worn bearing off the shaft. “Is he ever going to get tired?”
“Nope,” Levi says simply, typing away.
Rob laughs as Winston drops the ball at his feet, where he sits at one of the other workbenches.
“Alright, let me see.” He bends down to grab it and throws it across the garage.
Winston spins so fast his back end nearly wipes out, then he bolts after it and slams into a shelf before correcting himself and grabbing the ball as it rolls across the floor.
Dad steps into the garage through the open bay doors with a stack of folders tucked under his arm, and Winston perks up as he spots him. He charges over to Dad with his ball in his mouth, his tail wagging furiously like he can’t believe his luck that everyone is here to play with him.
“Hey, bud,” Dad says, leaning down to ruffle his fur as Winston leans against his legs and stares up at him with his ball in his mouth. Then Dad looks up and smiles as his eyes flick between me and Levi.
He tosses the ball for Winston, then continues over to us. “Hey, guys.”
“Hey,” I say, prying the bearing free and tossing it onto the workbench, while Levi looks up briefly from his laptop with a smile and a nod, not stopping his typing at all.
Dad chuckles quietly, returning the nod before stepping closer and tipping his chin towards the exposed spindle on the tractor. “How’s it going?”
“Hm.” I look over the shafts and the housing. “It has some pretty deep grooves, so I probably need to replace the shafts.”
“Alright.” Dad nods. “We should have some, but if not, let me know, and I’ll run out and grab them.” Then he narrows his eyes at me. “Tomorrow. It’s the end of the day. You should be wrapping this up.”
I nod and roll my eyes. “Yeah, I know.”
Dad then shifts his gaze to Levi. “You too.”
Levi doesn’t respond, so I look over my shoulder at him to find him laser-focused on his screen as he continues to tap away at his keyboard.
Eventually, he notices us looking at him and he pauses, glancing between us. “Huh?”
Dad snorts and steps past me, patting Levi on the shoulder as he heads towards Al’s office. “You boys haven’t changed one bit.” He keeps walking as he waves a hand at us in dismissal. “Now go have some fun.”
I meet Levi’s eyes, and he smirks at me.
I’m sure we could find something to do that’s… fun.
But then his eyes flick towards his laptop. “After this?” he asks.
My own gaze flicks towards the open bearing assembly on the tractor with only half the bearings removed, and I nod. “After this.”
A laugh sounds from across the garage, and Rob pushes to his feet, shaking his head as he heads for the exit. “Oh, to be young and eager.” He lifts a hand to wave it without looking at us. “Have a good night, fellas!”
“See ya,” I call after him.
I work another bearing free and toss it onto the workbench, which lands a little too close to Levi’s laptop.
“Gross,” he mutters, curling a lip at it.
I roll my eyes and step forward to grab it and move it further down the bench. “You know you have a clean, comfy office, right?”
Winston drops his ball at Levi’s feet and taps his leg with his paw. Levi grabs it and throws it again, then smirks at me. “Yeah, well, apparently I have to work out here if I ever want to see my dog again.”
“Seriously, guys,” Dad calls, emerging from Al’s office with Al in tow as they head for the exit. “Get out of here!”
“On it,” Levi calls back with a salute.
Al chuckles as Dad eyes us, clearly aware we won’t be packing up right away. But they leave anyway, and then it’s just me, Levi, and Winston.
And thoughts that start swirling in my head, wondering what it would be like if they all knew about us. If I could just walk over and kiss him, break him from this typing trance, and touch him whenever I wanted… and show my family just how happy I really am.
I like the idea of that.
“We need to go fishing again this weekend,” Levi says, still typing furiously.
“Yeah,” I murmur, easing the last bearing loose. “It’s eating you alive that you haven’t caught one yet this summer, isn’t it?”
“Well, you didn’t either,” he fires back immediately, and I look over my shoulder at him.
His brows draw together as he pauses his typing and turns away from his screen to look at me. “That was a lot… my bad.”
Before I can respond, his phone starts buzzing on the bench next to his laptop. He glances down at it, then smiles as he picks it up. “One of my buddies from Toronto.”
I gesture for him to take it, and he hits answer, puts it on speaker, and sets it next to his laptop as he brings his attention back to the screen.
Of course.
“Hey, Brock, what’s up?” he says easily.
“Dude!” Brock’s voice bursts through the speaker. “How’s it going, man? I haven’t talked to you in so fucking long.”
“Yeah,” Levi says, tapping at the keyboard again, then flicking a glance at me with a smirk. “I’ve been busy.”
I smirk back at him as I grab the callipers from the workbench. We have been quite busy…
“Busy on a potato farm,” Brock says with a laugh. “I still don’t get why you took that job.”
My eyes quickly dart to Levi, and he goes still as his fingers hover over the keyboard and his gaze drops to the phone.
“I told you why,” he says with an edge to his voice. “It was, and is, important to me. That’s all that matters.”
“Ok, ok, chill,” Brock says with an easy chuckle, like he doesn’t actually care about what Levi wants or deserves. “So, you want to come visit in a couple weeks? A bunch of us are going to hit up the Veld Music Festival.”
I try to focus on my work as I measure the housing bores, but I can’t help but glance at Levi again.
His gaze shifts to me as well, and he gives me a soft smile. “Nah, man. I’m going to stay put.”
“Dude, what?” Brock practically whines. “Are you not bored out there? Come on, man. Just come out. It’s summer. We need to do something fun.”
Levi’s jaw ticks, and he shifts on his stool. Winston senses the tension in him and inches closer to lean against his leg, and Levi drops his hand to his fur.
“Far from it,” Levi says tightly. “It’s the best place to be in the summer.”
“Well…” Brock sighs. “Yeah, ok. I mean, the whole fishing, hiking, swimming in the ocean thing seems pretty cool. I’ve actually never been fishing before.”
Levi snorts a laugh, and I place the callipers back on the bench as I try to picture this guy. He sounds like he wears polo shirts with a popped collar.
“Seriously?” Levi asks.
“Yeah, man,” Brock laughs. “I grew up in the concrete jungle. Where would I have gone fishing?”
“Lots of places in Ontario, actually,” Levi responds. “But if you ever make it this way, I’ll show you how it’s done.”
I glance over my shoulder at him and cock an eyebrow. Levi just rolls his eyes at me and flips me off.
I chuckle, and his gaze lingers on me for a moment.
“I’m actually going fishing this weekend,” Levi continues, watching me with a soft smile. “With my boyfriend.”
Everything in me stills as I stare right back at him, and it feels like my heart stops beating.
Boyfriend.
Oh my god.
He called me his boyfriend.
I really like how that sounds.
A smile tugs at my lips as I hold Levi’s gaze.
“Boyfriend?” Brock asks.
“Yeah,” Levi says, still smiling at me. “His name is Silas.”
My heart thumps hard as a thrill runs through me. But it doesn’t last long, as worry starts to push in instead at the long stretch of silence on the other end of the phone.
Levi’s eyes flick toward the phone, and my pulse picks up.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Brock says eventually, then lets out a sharp, disbelieving laugh. “What the fuck? This is a joke, right?”
“No…” Levi says, shifting on his stool and flicking a glance my way.
Brock sighs heavily. “What are you doing man? First, you move to fucking PEI, and now…” he sighs again. “Are you, like… ok?”
I’m completely frozen to the spot as I stand near the tractor and just watch Levi. My heart thrashes, and my mind starts to slip, turning fuzzy as loud, unwelcome thoughts start to push in.
Levi’s jaw tightens as he glares at the phone. “I’m better than ok. Never been happier. Thanks for the fucking support though. Good to know you always have my back.”
“Oh, come on—”
But Levi hits end and shoves his phone across the workbench with an exasperated huff. “Fucking asshole.”
I just watch him as he rubs the back of his neck and stares at a spot on the floor in front of him for a moment, before he looks back up at me. And I must have my emotions written all over my face because he draws his brows together and pushes to his feet to stand before me.
“You alright?” he asks
All I can do is shake my head. “Are you?” I ask quietly.
“Oh, yeah. It’s ok,” he says, dismissively waving his hand towards his phone on the bench. “He was clearly never a good friend. He can fuck off.”
My chest tightens, and my hands tingle as the edges of my mind start to blur, and the thoughts I’m trying to keep out start screaming, telling me the things I don’t want to hear.
People always leave.
“You lost someone,” I eventually say, and my voice sounds distant, like it’s not even coming from me. “Because of this…”
“I don’t care.” Levi takes my hands in his, and I immediately shift my eyes around the garage as my body tenses. And I don’t miss the flicker of hurt in Levi’s eyes at that.
“I don’t want you to lose anyone because of me,” I say, so quietly I barely even hear myself over the roaring of my pulse in my ears.
“I won’t.” He shakes his head and tightens his hold on my hands. “He doesn’t count. We were friends out of convenience. You heard him, we didn’t even get along that well.”
My vision blurs as my eyes burn with hot tears, and the noise in my head grows louder as everything finally pushes through.
Levi seems to realize what’s going on inside me, and steps closer, squeezing my hands again. “You won’t lose anyone either, Silas.”
“How do you know?” I whisper, trying desperately to stay here and not fade away, and not completely lose it. My entire body is buzzing, I feel like I can’t breathe, and it’s getting harder to hold on to my thoughts.
“I just… do,” Levi says, looking into my eyes with an intense desperation that makes my heart hurt.
But fear rises and takes over, pushing down any real thought I’m hoping to hold on to.
Images flash through my mind, of Mom packing her bags into her car and driving away, of people who I thought were friends whispering behind my back to make plans without me, of teachers shaking their heads and sending me to the office when I couldn’t hold in the frustration any longer…
People leave.
Even though I know Levi is right, and I know my family loves me, and they’ve stayed despite everything… I’m having a hard time holding onto it. That belief is still there, but it’s slowly being buried by the memories of rejection, isolation, and abandonment.
I know my family won’t leave me… but I also don’t know that.
I never thought Mom would leave.
Everything that makes me who I am—the way my brain works, the way I react, the things I can’t control no matter how hard I try—has always been a problem. It’s always pushed people away.
And now, there’s something else inside me I can’t control, that could also make people leave.
My love for Levi is who I am. I can’t live this life without him.
But because of that love, I might lose my family.
I could lose my dad, Rob, Peter, and everyone on the farm who has accepted me for exactly who I am.
What if this is too much for them? What if this is the thing that finally pushes them over the edge, and they walk away?
I can’t lose them.
And I can’t lose Levi.
I want to hold onto everything… but it feels like it’s all just slipping through my fingers.
I don’t know what to do.