Chapter 27 #2
He huffs a dry laugh. “Then I will force you to stay.”
I shake my head, feeling my heart break. “You won’t.”
“You are bound to me,” Crew’s voice echoes around the room. “Remember that. I can fucking force you.”
“I will hate you if you make me stay,” I say, letting the tears fall.
“That’s fine. I thought you already hated me.”
“I… don’t know what I think anymore,” I cry. “I definitely don’t hate you.”
“Bullshit,” he shouts. “What do you think, Mara? How do you fucking feel?”
I simply look at him because the emotions I experience almost get the better of me. Crew’s silver eyes lock onto mine as he waits for me to say anything that might make him stay—something that proves I truly care about him.
“How do you feel?” he repeats in a whisper. “About this? About… me?”
I furrow my brow, and my chest heaves, causing my hands to tremble at my sides. He steps closer, and his presence pulses around me as the bond tingles in his proximity.
“Crew.”
He moves closer, and I can’t breathe.
“Just say it,” he responds, and his jaw tenses. “Why are you so afraid of me?”
“I’m not afraid,” I mutter.
“Then tell me.” Crew’s eyes soften as I see a sadness creep across his expression. “Be honest for once.”
“I… don’t know what to think,” I respond, and hate myself for it. “About this.”
“And me?” Crew grimaces as his hand touches my cheek. “Make me stay, Mara. Tell me to stay.”
I stare at him and feel something in my chest fracture, because I want to tell him that things have changed, but I can’t. So, like I always do, I self-sabotage and… I don’t respond.
His face falls, and he nods, accepting silence as my answer. “Alright. I’ll give you the space you need to think.”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “I don’t want space.”
He huffs an angry laugh. “Well, you sure as fuck don’t want me. Do you?”
Crew hesitates to give me one more moment to say what I desperately want to, but I don’t. He charges through the door, and his large black wings unfold around him like a feathered shadow before he shoots into the sky.
Another desperate sob escapes my lips, and I double over, letting the pain from my wound and the anguish in my chest bring me to the ground.
Tears soak my face, blurring my vision, and if this is what hurting Crew feels like, I don’t think I will ever recover from it—but it’s more than that now. It’s the bond.
I step forward, realizing he didn’t force me to stay. He’s giving me the option to listen to him for once or defy him again. I curl into a tight ball and don’t stop crying.
It’s too much, and maybe I was wrong. I allowed anger to fester inside my soul, making me bitter and resentful for so long, possibly toward the person who deserved it the least. Crew has done nothing but give me chance after chance, and now that he’s distant, I want him near me more than I ever thought I would.
The bond tugs at my chest, and I feel myself breaking.
The confessions, his confessions, his pain, and the pain I’ve caused. He’s not a monster, but I am. I’m no different from Lowell. I’m no different from the monster people whisper about as I walk by.
I am the Hollow Huntress—a soulless assassin who's never given anyone a chance to help. I’m broken into pieces, and I curl my hands around my body to keep myself from ripping apart, but it doesn’t help.
The tears fall, the panic rises, and alone in the deafening silence—alone in my life with no one around me—the heart I didn’t think I had shatters.
It feels as if hours go by before I can pick myself off the ground and make my way to the bathroom to assess my wound.
I slowly lift my shirt and find that the bullet wound has split open, but my exhausted body is slowly working to mend itself together.
From the time that passed, my blood has clotted and now marks me like a dark stain.
I clean myself up and make my way to the loveseat, overwhelmed by the emotions swirling in my mind like a violent storm.
Crew had every right to explode. I asked for it.
I egged him on until nothing else was keeping him from exposing everything.
The day passes by slowly, and I allow myself to drown in my pity, unable to pull myself from the chaos I’ve created.
My eyes are swollen, but I need to stay busy or I’ll stand outside until I see the familiar shadow hovering in the sky. As the day fades into dusk, my patience with waiting grows thin. I flip open the folder, preparing to study the two remaining assignments before heading home.
I hadn’t had the opportunity to inform Crew that I’m withdrawing from everything entirely, so we need to complete this so I can set my plans into motion.
I ignore Haber’s file, having read it hundreds of times by now, and flip through the pages to learn more about the Voids we have been sent to kill, but I can’t find it. Surely if this is where the Voids have been gathering, there would be more information.
I begin to flip through the pages more quickly, searching for the information, but it’s nowhere to be found. A thought moves through me that causes me to spring upright.
Crew went to do this assignment alone, and since I’m injured, I’m not sure how much help I could truly be. However, I can’t leave him to do this alone. The Voids are deadly, and I have to help. I wipe my eyes and make a mental promise that I’m done pitying myself.
And I’m done letting my anger push everyone away.
I must be insane, because I’ve done the same miserable things repeatedly for twelve years, torturing myself because I never thought I deserved more, but that’s over. I can see what’s before me and what’s worth changing for.
I toss the papers aside and rush to the bedroom, removing my clothes from the small dresser and throwing off Crew’s.
The black, tight shirt presses against my stomach, causing discomfort, and slipping into the tight pants hurts. But I don’t hesitate to buckle the belt around my waist, making sure each gun is properly loaded and ready before I lace up my heavy boots.
I’m focused and ready to fight those who remain of the Voids who threatened my life last night, letting Cris’s old words fill me with determination. Instead of hurting Crew, it’s my turn to help him. And with everything I am, I won’t fail.
Except there’s one thing left to do that scares me, possibly more than anything.
I can’t run there.
I won’t be fast enough.
I write a quick note, just in case Crew comes back—because the last thing I want him to think is that I left him—and I toss the paper on the table.
Crew,
I’m so sorry for everything. I went to find you.
I’m so fucking sorry.
Your miserable friend (If I can even call myself that),
-Mara.
I step out of the sparse apartment and take a moment to appreciate the fresh air. The faded sun hangs low on the horizon, and my favorite pink hue blends with the dark clouds approaching the city in the distance.
I close my eyes and let the nerves settle in my stomach like a brick. My hands tremble, but I steady my breath. The first time I unfolded, I was horrified by the possible pain. Fear has always held me back, but I won’t let that happen right now.
I take a deep breath, widen my stance, and let my natural form take hold. No longer will I keep it hidden in fear of agony, failure, or disgrace for my Order. I curve my shoulders forward and grit my teeth as the pain I no longer dread takes over, and I feel my nearly-healed burns crack.
I scream as my shoulders spread, and my large white wings explode into the open air like a blinding light. The pain from my wounds tries to force me to my knees, but I grit my teeth and stand tall, feeling the weight of my wings pulling me upright.
I stretch my wings outward and smile wildly, allowing the pain and fear to drive me mad.
I may be insane, but I smile because that’s exactly what we need right now.
My true form awakens a new tap of power within me, and I glance at my hands, feeling not only my blood coursing through my veins but also the smoky wrath of Crew’s intertwining with mine. The delicious taste of darkness sends a new anger to fuel me.
I allow my senses to focus for a moment, and I think of Crew. I glance toward the opposite side of town—where I believe the Voids remain and where I think Crew is—as if his presence pulls me there.
I feel my injuries converge with intensity, and I shoot into the sky like a lightning bolt.