Chapter Eleven #3
I felt my cheeks heat. Of course there were clandestine love affairs, but if a woman was not wed, she must be careful of her reputation.
To bear a child outside of marriage was a great taboo.
And since the inner walls of Highcastle could not support the birth of too many children, all women living inside the castle walls drank an herbal concoction monthly to prevent the birth of a child.
Married women inside the walls must apply to the king for permission to bear a child.
Those living in the outerlands had no such rules.
“Such relationships are frowned upon,” I said. “But no one has ever been interested in me in that way anyway.”
“Why not?” she asked. “You are attractive.”
I shook my head. “No, I’m not.” I immediately regretted my words.
I didn’t want to confide in Omira. I barely knew her, and this was the sort of conversation even Finnrey and I shied away from.
Probably because Finnrey always had men chasing after her, while I had lusted after Gaz in secret and only just recently seemed to catch his attention.
When it was too late.
“What is wrong with you?” Omira asked, which was an odd reply. Whenever I complained about my looks to Finnrey or my mother, they always told me I was very pretty...in my own way. “Tell me,” Omira said. “I tell you true when I say I do not see it.”
If I had thought this conversation was as embarrassing as it could get, I had obviously been wrong.
An Earslehen would have seen I was uncomfortable and changed the subject, but the Zulenii were bold and seemingly oblivious to the discomfort their direct questions caused.
Omira stared at me expectantly. I would not be able to avoid this conversation. Finally, I said, “I’m too tall.”
“Are you?” she asked. Belatedly, I remembered we were the same height.
“Among my people, I’m too tall,” I clarified. “I’m taller than every woman and most men. Slim, strong, and small is considered attractive among my people.”
“Strange that a warrior people would want small warriors.”
“Not really. The smaller you are the less of a target you are. In training, everyone targets my legs because they’re long and make me easier to trip.”
“Hmm. I do not think Taio would say anything about fighting you was easy.”
Her words sent a flood of warmth through me. I told myself it was pride in how I’d competed, but I had a suspicion that I was merely pleased to have given Taio a challenge.
“What else is wrong with you?”
I smiled. Her brash way of speaking was beginning to grow on me now that I realized she wasn’t trying to offend me. “My eyes have flecks.”
“What are flecks? I do not know this word.”
I wasn’t sure how to explain what a fleck was or even how to show her when it was far too dark for her to see. “I mean that my eyes are not purely brown. They have bits of other colors that makes them look muddy.”
“I haven’t noticed anything wrong with your eyes. I will look again in the light.”
“I can’t wait.”
She scanned the distance, and I did as well. I was about to start my circuit of the camp again, when she said, “Is that all?”
“I’m sure you heard rumors about my mother,” I said. Omira made a sound that didn’t tell me whether she had one way or the other. “My family name is tarnished. People like to say I have no feelings. I think they mean I’m not emotional and nothing upsets me.”
“Is that true?” Omira asked. Her question took me by surprise as no one had ever asked me if that perception of me was true or not. My coldness was always just assumed as fact.
“I suppose I am less emotional than some or perhaps better able to hide my emotions.”
“So it is not true,” she said. “Anyone who believes that of you has not observed you at all.”
“What do you mean?”
“You care deeply. You love your sister, Finnrey. Anyone can see how worried you are for her, how you wish to protect her, how you fear for her safety. This is loyalty, and we Zulenii value loyalty above all else. This is one reason Taio chose you. He admired your loyalty.”
Finnrey was loyal as well, though, and Omira had said she had encouraged her brother to choose Finnrey. “What are the other reasons?”
Omira shook her head as though to say who could ever understand men.
“Mostly,” she said, “I think he just wants to bed you.” With that, she walked away, beginning on her circuit of the camp.
I should have done my own circuit, but my legs would not move.
I couldn’t seem to even breathe after what Omira had said.
Taio wanted me in that way? She must be mistaken.
He seemed disgusted by me, or at the very least annoyed.
..yet at other times he had made every effort to be close to me.
In fact, since the fight in the arena, he’d slept by my side every night.
My mind flashed back to the way I’d been pressed against Taio tonight.
Had I moved into him, drawn to his warmth as I slept, or had he deliberately pulled me close?
What would I do if the next time we were under the cover of his coat, he pulled me close again or even tried to kiss me?
I shivered with anticipation, my reaction answering that question easily enough.
I’d had a few kisses in my life, the most recent being the one with Gaz.
Gaz’s kiss had certainly stirred me. Could Taio’s kiss do the same?
If it couldn’t, our marriage would certainly be a chore, but if it could. ..if I enjoyed his kiss...
“Mara!” Omira hissed. I started and began walking. I’d been dreaming about kissing Taio instead of watching for Hollows and protecting the camp. What a dusthead I was! I’d focus from now on, but I couldn’t help but sneak a look at Taio as I passed near where he slept.
***
A LITTLE WHILE LATER, when Omira went to wake Taio, I tapped Gaz’s shoulder. Gaz was a light sleeper and woke immediately. He sat and scrubbed a hand over his neat beard. “See anything?” he asked.
“No, it’s clear and quiet.”
“Good. Did she give you any trouble?” He jerked a head at Omira who was already settling back into her bedroll.
“No. She’s a good watch partner.”
“I doubt the same can be said for him.” His gaze cut to Taio.
“You don’t have to speak. In fact, it’s probably better if you don’t.”
“You’re right.” He stood and when I moved to return to my bedroll, he caught my arm lightly. “You don’t know how much I hate seeing you with him,” Gaz muttered. “It makes me crazy to see you lie beside him.”
I wasn’t certain what to say. I wanted to reassure Gaz I still cared about him, but what was the point?
“You won’t have to see it much longer,” I said.
“Once we reach Zulen, you can go back to Earsleh. I’m sure you’ll forget me.
” I don’t know why I said it like that. Of course, the thought had crossed my mind that in no time everyone in Earsleh would forget me.
Not my mother or father, of course, but if I couldn’t get back to Highcastle, perhaps even they would cease to think of me.
My father would choose a new heir. One or more of my sisters might be allowed to marry and have a child. I’d never know my niece or nephew.
Gaz lifted his hand and placed it on my cheek.
“I’ll never forget you, Mara,” he said. “I don’t intend to lose you either.
” He walked away then, and I put a hand to where my cheek tingled.
I couldn’t help but glance toward Taio, wondering if he’d seen the interaction.
He stood across the clearing, hands on his hips. Oh, he had definitely seen.
I returned to my bedroll and climbed underneath it and Taio’s coat.
I had no doubt he’d left it for me. The night was chilly, and he could have used the garment to keep warm on watch.
The coat still retained some of his body heat and smelled faintly of Taio.
Inhaling, I took in the dark, exotic scent of him.
I tried to tease out the parts of it—Omira’s ointment was present as was the hint of lemon soap from the castle.
But something else lingered beneath it all, and I thought that must be the scent that was indefinably Taio.
My tailbone felt healed enough that I could lie on my back.
Instead, I chose to rest on my side, facing the area where Taio walked slowly back and forth, looking out at the forest and the land beyond.
Gaz was on the other side, and they seemed to have an unspoken agreement that their paths would not cross.
I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but I kept opening them and watching Taio over and over again.
I found it difficult not to admire the breadth of his shoulders or the slimness of his hips, which was visible when he wore only his under tunic.
The clothes he wore under his coat were tight and fitted, which made sense as they would retain heat. They also outlined his muscular body.
My face flushed hot as I thought about that moment in the arena when he’d removed his coat and had fought bare-chested. I could not deny that even though I’d been half-terrified at Cameed taking my place and what would happen next, I’d also been unable to look away from that gleaming chest.
I’d wanted to touch it.
I’d wanted to bite it.
I’d felt like a traitor to my people and Gaz for feeling lust toward Taio.
I didn’t feel so much like that now. He’d won in the arena and the rite said he could claim me.
I took a breath as I felt a pulse of anticipation between my legs.
Perhaps being claimed by a man like Taio would not be so awful.
I squirmed at the heat that pooled in my core and forced myself to close my eyes and block out the sight of Taio.