Chapter Twenty-Six
“It feels like they let you out really fast. Having a hole in your lung sounds like it should be a bigger deal. Shouldn’t they do surgery or something?”
Silas has his arm around my waist to steady me as we finally walk into the house.
I don’t really need it, I can walk fine, thank fuck, but I kind of want it.
I never thought I’d be into being babied other than after some buck-nasty sex, but since we talked yesterday, I’ve forced myself to accept it and it’s actually kind of nice.
Silas is warm and solid and keeps treating me like I’m made of spun glass. It’s a hell of a change from running away from him all the time. And only one of those will cause the downfall of the best thing to ever happen to me.
“Yeah,” he says, frowning at me. “I’m worried about your head, too.
The doctor gave me the head injury instructions by the way, so don’t think you can EMT your way out of it.
No TV. No phone. Dim lights. Plenty of rest. I know your poor, understimulated little heart might burst, but it’s better than making your brain even worse, so we’re following the rules. ”
“Yeah, yeah.” I’m smiling, though, because it feels so goddamn good for him to not be mad at me, anymore. I forgot how good this feels. I will do absolutely anything to keep it. “You’re gonna have to read me a bedtime story then, because I’m not going to just sit here in silence like a psychopath.”
Silas snorts.
“I sit in silence all the time. We’re just on different ends of the weird-brain spectrum. Now sit. I’ll get you some water.”
Silas deposits me on the couch, leaving all the lights off so it’s dim in the cold, afternoon winter light. I reach out and make grabby hands at him though, before he goes into the kitchen.
“I don’t want water. Come snuggle with me.”
Silas looks at me like I’m being ridiculous, which I am, but hey, he wanted me to be soft and squishy and vulnerable. This is what he gets.
And I know he secretly loves it, because he joins me on the couch in about four seconds and then carefully arranges me until I’m draped over him.
“I don’t know any bedtime stories, Cade. And it’s the middle of the day.”
His voice is gruff, but he gives me another one of those tender head kisses he’s been liberal with ever since I got hospitalized.
“We could just talk,” I say. “I’ll even shut my eyes. It feels like forever since we talked about anything other than sex or arguments or what to have for dinner.”
There’s a long pause while we both ruminate on what to say, and Silas ends up being the one to break the silence.
“Do you ever want to get married?”
That’s not what I was expecting, but Silas isn’t always linear, so I’ve learned to roll with it.
“I never thought about it much, to be honest. When I was younger I thought I would one day, but it was always because I thought I had to, not because I actually wanted to. It never really appealed to me, to be honest. My parents were married. They technically still are. So many people get married and then act like it doesn’t mean anything, so I never had a lot of respect for the idea.
If you really want to be with someone, why do you have to sign a piece of paper that forces you to stay together, you know? ”
I feel Silas nodding against me.
“What about you?”
He takes his time answering. “I think I felt the same way. I didn’t think about it a lot, because it seemed like something Dad would probably make me do eventually, so there was no point in worrying about it until then.
But yeah, it always hung over my head like some vague future obligation I didn’t really want.
I guess I wanted to know if it’s something you want, so you don’t feel like you’re missing out on anything. ”
I shake my head and squeeze his side to reassure him.
He flinches the same way he has done so much recently, and I feel guilty for not thinking about it, but then he seems to make the conscious choice to relax.
I flatten my hand and move it a little higher, then butt my head against his chest for attention.
“I’m not missing out. I’ll do it if you want, but I think one of my favorite things about ending up with a man is getting an excuse to avoid all of these heteronormative things that I don’t want to do.
Not that you can’t also do that with a girl, of course, but you know what I mean.
My mom isn’t breathing down our necks about grandchildren.
If I was with a girl, I think she would be.
But like, she doesn’t even really care about grandchildren.
So she’d only be doing it because she felt like she was supposed to, and the whole thing goes on and on and on. I like stepping out of that cycle.”
I think about it for a second, and realize something.
“I bet Gunnar and Tobias will be the first Possum Hollow gay wedding. That man has wanted to wife Tobias since the day he set eyes on him. They’re all traditional and shit. It’ll be fucking adorable.”
Silas laughs, and the sound falls over me like warm rain. I relax a little bit more, ignoring all my stupid aches and pains.
“Oh!” I say, tilting my head back to look at him and tapping at his chest. “I have an idea. If we count our anniversary as the day we moved in together, instead of the day we started jerking off in bed together because we were the bestest bros in the world, that’s in a couple months.
Which seems like the perfect amount of time to plan a party. What do you think?”
Silas hesitates, and my Silas-mind-reading powers kick into gear.
“No big ceremony, I promise. No vows, nothing where we are the center of attention. But we can get everybody together and they can all watch us being in love. Tobias and Gunnar aren’t the only ones who should get to be gay and adorable, I want a piece of that action.”
Silas starts to laugh, but he buries his face in my hair to muffle it.
“Okay. That sounds doable. I’m down,” he says.
“Yes!” I fist pump to celebrate the plan I’ve been super excited about for 45 seconds now. “You’re on, Rush. Non-wedding it is.”
“Anything you want, Cade.”
I hesitate, because it’s been nice having a light tone between us for once, but I don’t want to pass up an opportunity to show him I really do understand the things I’ve done wrong lately.
“For you too, remember. Anything you want.” I look up at him again, studying the line of his face that looks like it’s glowing a little in the light.
“I’m sorry I tried to steamroll you with all the stuff about getting custody of my sisters.
I wasn’t thinking straight, and I let all these weird fears get the best of me.
It wasn’t cool, to just force you into something. ”
Silas nods, looking at me carefully.
“So no surprise children? Because I love you, but if I come home one day and you’ve acquired a baby or something I don’t think I can handle that.”
He’s joking, kind of. But there’s a serious undertone to the words.
I shake my head.
“Nope. No surprise babies. Honestly, that’s another thing that always seemed like a threat hanging over me more than something to look forward to.
I’ve spent most of my life raising my sisters, and they’re a long way from being grown.
I’m sure we’ll talk about it when we’re older or whatever, but if you don’t ever want to have more family than we have right now, I’m very okay with that.
We don’t need to put weird pressure on ourselves. Right?”
Silas blows out a breath for a long time, and I can tell he was more stressed about that than he was letting on.
“Right. I like that plan. A plan to not have a plan.”
We keep staring at each other, but it feels peaceful for once, instead of intense.
“Honestly,” he continues. “I have so much more right now than I ever thought I would. Being with you is better than being alone, and that’s not something I thought I would ever experience.
And I do love having the girls sometimes, although I’m glad they got to go home, finally.
This is all so much and it makes me really happy, even on the worst possible days. I don’t need more than this.”
I think some people might read something negative into what he’s saying, but I get it. Life is hard. All the fucking time. This makes me so much happier than I ever expected, I don’t feel the need to add anything else into my life. I don’t feel like we’re missing anything.
“Same, baby,” I say softly. “Same.”
We both fall into a comfortable silence, and Silas keeps stroking my back while I tap random patterns into his skin with my uninjured hand.
“Silas?” I ask, feeling suddenly exposed.
“Yeah?”
“Promise me everything’s going to be okay.
That I can go to therapy and learn to stop being an asshole.
And we’ll talk more about the things we’ve been fighting about.
I haven’t forgotten about the sex stuff, either, and I know we need to deal with that.
I’m trying really hard not to shy away from anything or push anything under the rug anymore.
But I really need you to promise me that if I keep trying to be better, you’ll keep trying too, and we’re just going to keep learning to love each other better, and we’ll still get the happily ever after part. Right?”
Silas is quiet for so long I start to get a little scared about his answer. But he sounds so sure when he speaks, all that worry melts away.
“I promise, Cade. I’m not letting this go. I promise we’ll both get the happy ending we deserve.”
When he leans down to kiss me, I can’t stop myself from believing him.