Chapter 68
Remy
Night had fallen on Glacier Valley, and the main street was illuminated by lanterns hanging on posts. Beyond the main roads was mostly darkness, except for the amber glow from windows here and there.
Edie had more confidence in my ability to find Boden than I had in myself.
Part of it was because I hadn’t actually done all that much exploring beyond the main street.
Ripley and I headed out in the mountains and foothills for hunting and hiking, but otherwise, I mostly stuck to the stretch between three locations: The Frozen Grave inn, Glacier’s Edge pub, and the Cold Shore outpost.
But I also knew that Boden wouldn’t want to wander too far off, as not to risk getting lost, so I decided not to overthink it.
I followed the main road southwest, and when I didn’t see any sign of him, I kept on going.
Beyond the shops and the glow of the final lantern.
The boardwalk stretched nearly another kilometer over a tidal estuary until it ended at the fjord.
This far south of Glacier Valley, there was nothing else because the marshland was too unstable for building, making it eerily quiet compared to the heart of the town.
There were only the quiet calls of night birds echoing off the mountains and the rhythmic lapping of water against the wooden pilings.
The air was cool and carried the crisp, briny scent of the sea, filling my lungs with each fortifying breath I took.
I saw him before I reached him, and even in the dim twilight, I recognized him by the way his silhouette leaned against the railing.
“Is that you, Remy?” Boden asked without turning around, so my footsteps creaking on the boards must’ve alerted him.
“It is, but you’d feel awfully silly if it wasn’t.”
He was still leaning on the railing, unwilling to look at me even though our faces were mostly hidden by the darkness anyway.
“You have really distinct footsteps. You don’t lift your foot all the way, so you drag the heel of your boot across the boards.”
“Oh yeah?” I leaned against the railing beside him, because it seemed like the thing to do, and I stared at the dark blue water reflecting the starry sky above us.
It was disorienting, like staring into infinity, but it was a nice distraction from the tension that made me want to crawl out of my skin.
“Well, I guess it’s good to know that my footsteps haven’t changed. ”
“Why would they have?” Boden asked, bemused.
“Oh, right.” I realized his confusion. “You don’t know. I lost two toes to frostbite back in December. They were just the little ones, and considering all the other organs I’ve lost, it’s not that bothersome for me.”
He finally looked over at me, and I could feel the severity of his gaze more than I could see it. “You lost two fucking toes, and you’re telling me it’s no big deal? Christ, Remy. What else happened to you?”
“A lot of things, some good, some bad,” I confessed quietly. “What happened to you while I was gone?”
“Do you even care?” he asked cynically.
I sighed, even though I knew that I deserved some of his anger. “You know that I care.”
“No, I don’t, Remy. You just left me!” Boden yelled.
“Do you understand that? No conversation, no invitation to come with, not even a goodbye. And you did it in such a way that you knew I wouldn’t be able to follow you.
Do you know how hard that was for me? To go through the whole fucking winter without knowing whether you were alive or dead? ”
“I’m sorry, Boden,” I said, and I could barely get the words out around the lump in my throat.
Tears were burning in my eyes, but I fought them back with all I could.
“I am truly so, so sorry. I know I fucked up. I really do. And I know it won’t change anything, but I swear that I never wanted to hurt you. ”
“I know that, Remy!” He was still yelling, but he sounded more exasperated than angry. “I’m upset because you did know that it would hurt me and Stella, and you did it anyway! Our pain wasn’t enough of a deterrent to you!”
“No, it was! It was!” I insisted. “I know you won’t understand, but I thought the pain of me leaving you would be better than the pain of me staying! Everything I touch falls to shit! Everything I try to save ends up dead! I didn’t want to kill you too!”
He let out a frustrated groan. “You’re not going to kill me. That doesn’t even make any sense. You haven’t killed anyone that didn’t deserve it.”
“I killed Clementine!” I blurted out, and I didn’t even know I was going to say it. I didn’t even mean to, I never wanted to confess it aloud ever, but the words were suddenly out of my mouth, and in the air, and I was trembling all over.
“What?”
“A few weeks before I left the Barbarabelle.” Everything came out in a rushed breath, because I knew I’d only be able to say it once, that I could only say it fast, because once I started crying I would never be able to stop.
“I was hunting with Ripley, and she flushed a deer out of the trees, and I fired my arrow. But it wasn’t a deer that came running out of the trees.
It was Clementine, and my arrow hit her straight in the heart.
And… and then the zombies got her when I was washing the blood off my hands, and Juniper was in a tree, so I saved her and I brought the body back, and everyone thought I was a hero. But I did it. It was me. I am death.”
And that was it. Like a damn had broken inside me, and all the pain and rage and shame and guilt and remorse came pouring out of me in uncontrollable sobs.
Boden didn’t hesitate to pull me into his arms, and I was overwhelmed by how much I missed him and how much I didn’t deserve him. The way he smelled, the way he felt. Nothing else in my life felt like home except for his arms.
I clung to him and I cried into his chest, even though I knew I was greedy and selfish, and I was the one who should be comforting him. But I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t do anything else but let him hold me.
“Remy.” He stroked my back and kissed the top of my head as he held me to him. “No, no, no. You’re not death. That’s why you left?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know,” I finally said once I got my crying under control. “I needed my life to have meant something.”
“You really think your life hasn’t meant anything?” he asked me sadly. “That you haven’t already given enough of yourself?”
I shook my head. “I’m still here. So, no, I haven’t given enough.”
“Fucking hell, Remy.” He exhaled roughly.
“Please. For me and Stella and everyone who cares about you, can you knock off the self-flagellation and just listen? You are one of the strongest, most relentless people I have met in my entire life, but you are still only a person. You aren’t meant to save the world single handedly.
No one is.” He put his hand under my chin so I’d look up at him in the dim starlight. “You do know that, right?”
“I honestly feel like I don’t know anything anymore,” I admitted, and then, because we’d already wasted too much time on me, I asked, “Have you rested or eaten anything today? You’ve been travelling for so long.”
“I could actually stand to eat,” Boden admitted.
“There’s this place two doors down that serves excellent food,” I said. “Why don’t we get something to eat, have a rest, and we can talk about things more tomorrow?”
“That sounds perfect.”