Chapter 15
15
Finn followed Ronan and Julia into the suite at the Four Seasons and tried to banish the dread in his stomach. He didn’t want to be there, or more accurately, he didn’t want Elise to be there.
Not because he didn’t want her with him. He always wanted her with him.
But after what had happened at the mountain house — what he’d done — he could no longer pretend he was on a simple fact-finding mission. He’d killed more than once in search of justice for Fedir and Iryna and Petro, but killing Eudorus had been different from the man he’d shot during the shootout in New York.
Killing Eudorus had been a choice, however much he wanted to tell himself it was an accident. His fists had punched the life out of the other man, and while the fallout had left him asking hard questions about himself, there was one thing he hadn’t said aloud.
He wasn’t sorry.
He wasn’t even sure regret was the right word for what he felt.
They’d known the case was dangerous from the beginning, but now Finn knew he was dangerous too, knew he would do anything, take any risk, to bring the hand of justice down on the people responsible for the murder of Petro’s parents.
Being around him was dangerous, and Elise had seen enough danger.
“Wow, this is… big,” Elise said, her gaze sweeping the luxurious living room of the suite.
“There are four of us,” Ronan said. “Don’t want to be on top of each other.”
The room was spacious and comfortable, walking the line between spare and minimalist with retro furniture in ivory and beige, shelves lined with books, and fresh flowers arranged in vases throughout the room.
“This view is amazing,” Julia said from the wall of windows.
Finn crossed the room to join her and took in the view of the city, London Bridge rising up out of the trees that grew along the river. He loved London, had been to the city several times, most recently right before he’d decided to return to Boston.
But this wasn’t a pleasure trip.
A knock at the door pulled his attention from the window. It was the bellhop, and Finn waited while he unloaded their bags, then tipped him before closing the door.
Ronan picked up three of the bags and headed for the open door on one side of the living room. “We’ll take this room.”
“Sounds good,” Elise said.
Ronan returned a minute later and bent to kiss Julia. “Happy?”
There was no snideness to the question. Ronan was single-minded in his focus, something that had obviously left Julia feeling neglected. Finn could tell his brother had felt bad when Julia mentioned never going anywhere.
Finn was still learning about his brothers, but one thing he knew was that Ronan would do anything to make Julia happy, something he’d proven every step of the way on the trip from Boston, starting with new designer luggage and continuing with champagne and chocolate covered strawberries on the jet and a limo to drive them to the suite at the Four Seasons.
Julia rose on her tiptoes to kiss him. “Very.”
It was all Ronan needed to break into a smile. “Want to see the city?”
Julia stifled a yawn. Was it Finn’s imagination that it seemed a little forced? Was she trying to get Ronan into bed?
“I’m a bit tired. I think I’d rather have a nap before dinner. We can see the city tomorrow,” she said.
Understanding lit Ronan’s eyes. “Right. A nap. Me too.” He looked at Finn and Elise. “Dinner at eight?”
“Sounds good,” Finn said.
Ronan and Julia were already edging toward the door of their room like a couple of teenagers trying to get away from their parents.
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Elise said.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Julia said with a grin.
The bedroom door closed with a click.
“Well, they’re totally getting lucky,” Elise said.
Finn forced a chuckle, wishing things didn’t feel so tense between him and Elise. “How can two people involved in a business that could send them to prison forever be such terrible liars?”
“Let’s hope they’re better on the job,” Elise said.
After hours of travel, she still looked beautiful, even in jeans and a white T-shirt under a black blazer, her hair pulled into a loose ponytail, her face fresh and makeup free.
“What about you?” he asked. “You want a nap?”
She shook her head. “No way, and I’m not eager to relive my adolescence listening to Julia make out with her boyfriends. Let’s take a walk.”
Finn tried to hide his relief. Getting out was what they both needed.
“Same,” he said. He’d done his share of hiding from Ronan and his girlfriends on the living room sofa when their dad had been at work. “Let’s go.”
He pocketed one of the digital keys on the table in the foyer and they stepped into the plush hall. It was muffled and quiet, the low hum of the hotel the only sound as they entered the elevator.
They stepped out onto the street a few minutes later and Finn inhaled the air, always a little peaty so close to the Thames.
“Which way?” he asked.
Elise looked both directions and pointed to the right. “That way.”
“Something specific you want to see?” he asked.
“Not really,” she said. “I’ve been here once, but it was only for a weekend and I didn’t get out much.”
He tried not to think about that, about Elise here with some rich asshole more interested in a trophy than the flesh and blood woman standing at his side.
She stuffed her hands in the pockets of her jacket and they started down the street. It was afternoon, a rare sunny day in London, though still cool in May.
They walked in silence, passing tourists taking pictures with their phones, suited business people hurrying to their next appointment, and nannies pushing strollers holding the offspring of London’s affluent.
“Are you going to be mad at me forever?” Elise finally asked.
He reached for her hand. “I’m not mad. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Everybody gets hurt,” she said. “It’s the price of being alive.”
“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I want to play fast and loose with your life.”
“It’s not your choice to make,” she said. “I want to be here. I want to help.”
“What if that’s not what I want?” The question hadn’t come out the way he’d intended and he rushed to stop her as she yanked her hand from his and hurried ahead. “Elise… that’s not what I meant.”
She turned to face him, her eyes flashing. “That you don’t want me here you mean?”
“Of course I want you here. I always want you with me.”
They were standing in the middle of the sidewalk, forcing pedestrians to shoulder past them. Finn took her hand and led her out of the throng toward a tiny patch of grass visible through a small fence half a block away.
It turned out to be a small green space, one of many hidden parks tucked throughout the city.
He pulled her gently onto one of the iron benches lining the path that wound through the space. “Will you look at me, El?”
She turned to look at him and he almost flinched from the fire in her eyes.
“How can you doubt that I want you with me? I love you. You’re everything to me,” he said.
The set of her shoulders softened. “Then why did you fight me on this? You know it’s not going to be dangerous.”
“First of all, no I don’t. We’ve been hit with a million surprises since this whole thing started.” He hesitated, wanting to choose his words carefully. “Can’t you understand why I wouldn’t want to drag you into this? It’s my problem, my mess.”
She shook her head, her eyes sparking with fresh anger. “Unbelievable.”
“What am I missing here? Why are you so mad? I want to understand,” he said.
“You want everything from me and you give nothing.”
“Wait… I give nothing?” That hurt. He’d given his heart to Elise, his love, far more than he’d ever given any woman.
“That’s not what I meant to say.” She shook her head and stood, pacing away from him across the empty path, shaded by the trees overhead.
“Then what did you mean?” he asked, his frustration threatening to break free.
She turned to face him. “What happened in Ukraine, to Petro and his parents, to you, Finn.”
“Nothing happened to me.” He was getting confused. Confused about the issue at hand.
“It did, Finn. You heard your friends being murdered only a few feet away from where you stood. You had to hide Petro, to keep him safe. But you don’t want to acknowledge that trauma, and you definitely don’t want to let me into it,” she said. “In the meantime, you want to know what happened to me. You want me to tell you things and to let you into the deepest parts of myself.”
He knew she wasn’t just talking about the details of her kidnapping, but what had happened between them in bed the night he’d come home wrecked from the mountain house.
“I never forced you to do anything you didn’t want to do, never forced you to tell me anything,” he said.
She sighed. “No. But you wanted to know, didn’t you?”
“So I could be close to you,” he said. “I thought that’s what it meant to love someone.”
“Exactly, Finn. Exactly.”
He had the sense that he’d walked into a trap. Except it wasn’t a trap.
Elise was just right, plain and simple.
“I used to think you wanted to protect me from everything that had happened in Ukraine, everything you were doing about it since coming home,” she said. “But now I know it was never just about that. It was about protecting yourself too. About keeping me out of the parts that hurt you the most.”
The words were like arrows aimed at his heart. They hurt because they were true.
He’d broken down the night he’d returned from the mountain house, but that hadn’t been a choice. His emotions, bottled up since the moment he realized he’d killed Eudorus, had spilled out of him against his will.
“You’re right.” He stood, stuffing his hands into his jeans, and trying to find the words to fix it. “I’ve been alone a long time, El. Alone with all the stuff that happened to me when I was a kid.” His mom’s face flashed in his mind, his sister’s. “I guess I got used to keeping it inside, to living with it. But living with it…” He shook his head. “Living with it’s been a bitch. How could I lay that on you after all you’ve been through?”
She crossed the path and took his hands. “You just said being close to someone, loving someone, meant knowing them. Don’t you think I want to know you too? Don’t you think I want to be needed too? Or do I have to spend the rest of my life being the one who needs someone? Do you know how… disempowering that feels to think about?”
The words cut him into pieces. She’d asked him from the beginning not to treat her differently because of what had happened to her. He’d agreed, but when it counted, when he’d needed her, he hadn’t let her in.
Not willingly.
He’d told himself it was to protect her, but she was right: he’d been protecting himself too. Using what had happened to her, his desire to protect her, as an excuse.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, looking down at her. “I’m all fucked up.”
She shook her head. “You’re not. You're just human.” She smiled up at him. “Me too. Think we can try being human together? No one the superhero saving the day. No one the victim always needing help. Just two people walking together through this beautiful mess of a life.”
“You still think it’s beautiful?” he asked.
She nodded and looked into his eyes. “Don’t get me wrong. It’s messed up sometimes too.”
“Totally messed up,” he agreed.
“But yeah,” she continued. “Even that part is beautiful in its own way, and I want to share that with you. All of it, for as long as we have together. Think you can handle that?”
He swallowed the lump that rose in his throat and pulled her into his arms. “I can try.”