Chapter 16
16
Elise spent the next day shopping for dresses with Julia while Ronan and Finn had a video call with Clay to get the details for the gala that night.
It was nice to be in a new place with the security of her sister by her side, nice to do something indulgent together. They’d been pretty poor growing up, and when they’d moved into an apartment in Boston together (Elise had always known Julia suggested they share a place so she could keep an eye on Elise), Elise had quickly gotten sidetracked.
She’d done lots of cool things, but none of them had been with her sister, the one person who deserved it more than anybody. She was glad Julia finally had the life she deserved, even if Julia didn’t always seem comfortable spending money.
When they were done shopping, they sent their purchases ahead to the hotel and went to the Savoy where Ronan had pulled some strings to get them a reservation.
Elise followed the ma?tre d’ to their table, surprised by the intimacy of the place. It wasn’t as big as she’d expected, and she relaxed a little as they passed small tables occupied by other diners, everyone talking in low tones that contributed to a comforting hum.
“This is so pretty,” Julia said, looking around when they got seated.
What the restaurant lacked in size it made up for in grandiosity. The walls were adorned with Corinthian columns and deep moldings, an elaborate gazebo rising in the middle of the room. Dainty sofas were set up around the room, complete with throw pillows and end tables.
“I feel like I’m in the parlor of some English manor house,” Elise said.
“Let’s order everything,” Julia said, her eyes shining. “I’m starving.”
Elise grinned. “You had me at everything.”
They ordered a full afternoon tea and Elise sat back with a sigh, studying her sister. She looked rested and vibrant, her cheeks flushed, eyes shining. Her dark blond hair, recently cut to make it easier to manage with JT, curled softly around her face.
“What?” Julia asked, brushing at her cheeks. Do I have something on my face?”
Elise shook her head. “I was just thinking you look better, that’s all.”
“Gee thanks,” Julia said.
Elise rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean. You always look great, but you have a lot on your plate back home, and you do a lot of it alone when Ronan’s in the field.”
“In the field” was MIS code for the times Ronan had to travel to complete a job.
“I have more help than most women,” Julia pointed out.
Her sister was always aware of her privilege. They both were. That’s what happened when you grew up poor and ended up with money. Not that Elise had money, but she’d been fortunate to share in Julia’s comfort and security.
“That’s true,” Elise said. “But that doesn’t mean it’s never hard.”
Julia nodded. “I honestly think I needed a change of scenery more than anything. I’ve felt so… stagnant lately.”
“Is there something you want to do?” Elise asked. “Something you’re excited about?”
“Not really, which is why I feel dumb complaining.”
“You don’t complain,” Elise said.
Julia laughed. “And that’s why.”
She stopped talking as the server set down pots of tea and dainty cups with matching saucers.
“Thank you,” Elise said to the server when she was done.
She smiled and retreated.
“It’s not like I put something on hold to have JT,” Julia continued. “It’s not even like I have some burning desire to, I don’t know, go back to school or start a business or something. I’ve just been feeling… tired.”
“Have you talked to Ronan about it?” Elise asked, pouring tea from her pot into her cup.
“Not really. He’s always got so much on his mind,” Julia said.
Elise looked at her. “Jules, he would want you to tell him. He loves you. He wants you to be happy.”
“I know that. I just don’t want to add to the pressure you know?” She hesitated. “It’s hard sometimes. Ronan and I went first. There was all this excitement — the baby and the wedding and setting up house. But lately I feel like I’ve been stuck in a loop doing the same things in the same places over and over again.”
Elise could totally relate, but this wasn’t about her. She nodded and waited for Julia to continue.
“Seeing Declan and Kate get ready for another baby, watching Nick and Alexa move into their new place… I don’t know. It feels a little like everyone is moving away from me, like I’m running down one of those nightmare hallways that go on and on, trying and failing to catch up.”
“Do you want to have another baby?” Elise asked. “Or… I don’t know, buy another place?”
“No to the first one. And… not necessarily to the second?” Julia laughed and shook her head. “I’m being crazy. I’ve just been feeling out of sorts.” She took a deep breath and looked around. “This is helping.”
“I’m glad. And Ronan is going to flip when he sees you in that dress,” Elise said.
She smiled. “It is pretty great. But honestly, I’m just excited to wear something besides jeans or yoga pants.”
“Honestly, same,” Elise said. She hadn’t exactly been pulling out all of the stops lately, not without a job and with Finn at the mountain house most of the time. “Think everything will be okay tonight? With the invites?”
She was a little nervous about lying their way into the Boxgrove gala.
Julia waved away the concern. “It’ll be fine. Getting onto the list for an event like this is small potatoes for Clay.”
Julia’s assurances did little to calm the nervous rumble of Elise’s stomach. Her presence in the Ukraine case had so far been in the background — the trip to the U.K. where she’d wandered while Finn worked with his brothers, her visits to the mountain house to see Finn, both of them pretending Eudorus wasn’t being held prisoner in the house.
The gala was the first time she’d be more than a bit player in the drama that had been unfolding since Finn had returned home last November.
The reality of it collided with the moral and philosophical debates that had been playing out in her mind. While she’d been focused on reassuring Finn since Eudorus’ death, her own complicity had lingered in her mind. She hadn’t quite been able to absolve herself of responsibility. After all, she’d known what was going on, had looked away in the interest of her own comfort.
But what if something did go sideways at the gala? She’d made a big deal to Finn about it being safe, but deep down, she’d known he was right: anything could happen.
Was she ready to step out of the role of bystander and into the role of participant to whatever came next? Finn was testing the bounds of his own value system. Was she willing to test her own?
An image of him came into her mind, the expression on his face when she caught him looking at the picture of Petro on his phone: love and sorrow and determination.
He was a good man. A good man doing the best he could to right a wrong.
She couldn’t use her mind to answer the question of how far she was willing to go for him. For that, she needed only her heart.
And it said she would go all the way.