FIND YOUR WAY BACK
49
January 12th, 2020
Prudence,
Do you remember that time we got lost in the woods, back in Aspen? I thought I was going to die there, and the only thought I could focus on was the fact that I needed you to find your way back so you could live. I’ll admit it was a little dramatic since we got out not even an hour later, but still.
I’m not sure I ever told you the story of how I became the sunflower to your bright sunlight, so I’ll tell you now.
With me, they thought they were adopting their last kid. I was the most adorable blond baby boy. Their “Golden Angel”, they called me on the adoption announcement (I know, I’ve seen a copy stashed somewhere at uncle Geoffrey’s).
Boy, what a shitshow it has become since then.
I was supposed to be their last, as they said to everyone. But I got sick, and I quickly became too much (or not enough?) for them. I don’t remember much before you. I was really young when a couple of years after my diagnosis, they brought you back with them into our cold mansion.
I wasn’t sure how I felt at that particular moment. A little jealous, perhaps a little resentful too. And god, you wouldn’t stop crying and wriggling against mom and dad, like you were trying to escape something. Like you knew they were not good enough for you.
But then, they placed you in my frail little arms. You stopped crying. You stopped fighting. I don’t know what happened at that moment. Maybe you felt that I was weak or something. Maybe you just stopped because you were afraid I’d let you fall down if you moved too much.
I don’t care, to be honest. I’ve seen something in your big brownish eyes at that moment. My soul recognized you as a piece of its own.
People talk about soulmates in a romantic way, but they’re wrong. A soulmate can be anything. In my case, it was you. From the moment you stopped crying and gave me that big gummy smile.
Your happiness became my life purpose.
How ironic when I know that my death will most likely be the thing that breaks that pure soul of yours to pieces.
But it needs to end. Today, I’ve decided that I’ll be seeking Medically Assisted Suicide.
I’m hurting, Sunshine. And I won’t tell you or let you know until I’m actually gone, because there is nothing you can do about it. About the physical pain. About the psychological strain of it all. No matter how much energy and time you waste taking care of me, there’s nothing to do about it. I’m going to die anyway, it’s just a matter of time.
And I’d rather go with the little dignity that I have left.
So, if you read this letter (and the others to come, I’m guessing), it means that I’m gone. And I just want you to know that I loved you more than I could ever love anyone else.
I know you’re probably in a dark place right now, but just like I did when we were lost in those damned woods, I need you to find your way back and live.
I love you,
Your Sunflower.
March 25th, 2021
Prudence,
I’ve been thinking about my first three years of college recently. About how I’ve missed you during those years, but how I was lucky enough to find Nate and Nuri.
And how I miss Nate, now. Only because I’m a stubborn idiot, who never got the courage to apologize to him and make amends.
You and I just fought and it’s been a while since it last happened. I’m about to apologize to you for my clumsy words, but first I need to let it out on paper. I’ve already lost the only male friend I ever made because I couldn’t do this, and I’m not about to lose you too.
See? I’m learning from my past mistakes.
I’m sorry for pushing you. I’m just scared, you know? Soon, I won’t be here anymore and you’ll be alone. It’s been just the two of us for so long that you weren’t able to create friendship with anyone else for about a year. It’s my fault, really, for moving us from state to state constantly.
Turns out, doctors don’t agree to an assisted suicide easily—shocker.
Sometimes I wonder if I should stay alone. Set you free or something. I know you’re as stubborn as I am, and you’ll never give up on me. The only way for you to leave me behind is if I force you away.
Which I can’t do. Because I’m selfish and I need you in my life until the bitter end. And if you end up hating me once you finally read my letters, trust me when I say that even in death, I’ll love you enough for the both of us.
But anyway, I’m getting off topic here.
Our fight… When I told you that you need to find someone so you’re not alone when I’m gone, it doesn’t mean that I don’t think you’re capable of it.
It has nothing to do with you because, again selfishly, it has everything to do with my peace of mind.
As you already know through my numerous previous letters, I want to die. One way or another, whether they accept my request or not, I will get what I want. What I need.
But how can I go peacefully, knowing that I’m leaving you alone? The way I brought the subject up was clumsy, but as I’ve told you before, you’ve always been my priority. I’m feeling guilty for the way I’ve interfered with your love life for so long (Although, I wished I’d managed to keep Jerkwood away, that leech) and I need to make sure you find your happy place. The person that will become your home, in a different way than we are each other’s.
Now, hold on. I’m not asking you to get married with the first man you meet. But I’m just hoping that when you’ll meet that person that feels so familiar and foreign at the same time, you won’t push him away.
I know I’m not the best example when it comes to love, but I read and write enough romance to pretend that I know all about it, so please trust me on this.
True Love feels like home no matter where you are in the world.
Promise me that whenever you meet that person, you won’t run away.
In exchange, I’ll promise the same. Even if I’m bound to die, if I have an opportunity to know what it truly feels like, I’ll seize it.
I hope you’ll forgive me. In a few minutes for our fight, and in whatever weeks, months, or years for ending my own life.
I love you,
Your sunflower.
November 11th, 2021
Prudence,
Happy 26th birthday.
I wish we could have done something special for the occasion, but once again, I keep disappointing you. Not that you would ever say it, but I know how you must feel, deep inside.
As you know, it’s been a hard week. I’ve been stuck in that wheelchair for a few months now, not able to walk anymore.
It’s embarrassing.
I’m your big brother and I’m supposed to be looking after you. And yet, you’re the one who’s been doing all the groceries shopping, taking me to medical appointments, helping me shower.
I’m sorry I keep snapping at you, but I’m feeling so much shame all the time. I barely feel like a human being anymore.
I think I have to battle with depression along with all the rest, now. I guess it’s fine, just one more pill to take in that heavy cocktail.
Also, we’re going to move again soon.
I’m sorry, Sunshine.
I love you,
Your sunflower.
May 3rd, 2023
Prudence,
Today is the anniversary of the day I’ve fucked up. The day I was so blinded by whatever rage and insecurities that I’ve insulted my best friend to his face, insulting you in the process. You must have thought that I didn’t trust you.
Which I do, 100%.
My ex from that time was cheating on me, and I think I’d lost myself a little. I know Nate would never have hurt you. After all, he helped me look after you… It took me only a couple of days to realize that my reasoning was wrong. Biased. completely irrelevant. And yet, I’ve never corrected my mistakes.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s too late.
Maybe I could track him down and fix things. But today it’s been nine years, and he probably forgot all about me now.
But what if he didn’t?
I’m getting worse. I think I’m going to add finding Nate and apologize to my list. And when I do find him, we’ll move wherever he is. No more moving after that. I need to settle you somewhere. Make sure you make a few friends and can actually build a life where I’m not the center of it.
It’ll be difficult, pushing you away like this. But for this to work, we need new boundaries. I need to handle myself a little more on my own so you can focus your energy somewhere else. On making friends. Doing a job you like (don’t lie to me, I know that bar near the docks is boring as hell, you deserve better than this.)
It’ll just be one more thing I do you’ll need to forgive.
That list is getting too long…
But I hope you’ll manage, because I can’t stand it when you’re upset with me…
I love you,
Your Sunflower.
August 26th, 2023
Prudence,
It took Nate two weeks to make me walk again. I admit that I still feel and look like a newborn standing on his legs for the first time, but wow. I can’t forget the look on your face when you saw me standing.
I swear I nearly cried.
Nate wouldn’t let me give up on my progress, and was not satisfied with the idea that I just wanted to feel a little better.
He is absolutely relentless.
And I’ve just found out that he’s been crazy about you for years. Which, of course, I can’t tell you. But I figure that even if he doesn’t ask you out before I die, I might as well tell you in these little letters I’m leaving you.
It’s been almost ten years since I’ve introduced you two.
And so many things make sense now.
He was sleeping around a lot for the first three years we were roommates. And suddenly, he stopped. I don’t think I noticed back then. He was always so eager to scare jerks away from you. I thought he only did it because we were best friends, but now I think he just couldn’t bear to see you with another guy.
And I’m not sure I’m upset about it.
What I’m upset about is that I didn’t notice. It’s that I was an absolute idiot in college. Even more than I thought. Because I’ve accused him of trying to fuck you and basically told him he wasn’t good enough for you.
What if I didn’t? What if I’ve let him explain or talk to me? Would he have told me how he felt about you? Would I have accepted it? Is there an alternate dimension where you and him ended up dating and lived happily ever after with my immediate blessing?
Because I might have been blind, but I saw the spark in your eyes the first time you met him. I knew you had a little crush at first sight, that I was too eager to crush before it became serious. (No, I don’t talk about my best friend’s active sexual life to everyone, just the one I’m trying to convince not to pursue him…)
I’ve been able to read it on you but not him. And I hate myself a little for that.
But I’ll fix this.
I’ve texted Nuri. Nate tried to push my buttons, but there was obviously some part of truth in his words. Nuri knew, even if he never told her. Since she’s coming next week, I’ve got a plan.
Trust me when I say that she’ll convince him to ask you out. And I just hope you won’t push him away. Because I’ve never been more wrong in my life than the time I called him a worthless Manwhore.
I love you,
Your Sunflower.
September 4th, 2023
Prudence,
For the first time in many years, I feel truly happy.
I’m afraid.
I don’t want to die anymore.
I love you,
Your Sunflower (But also Ikram’s and I hope you’ll forgive me to turn to someone else’s light).
October 2nd, 2023
Prudence,
My heart broke for you and your biological parents.
You’ve been stolen, and I can’t get over that fact.
Why won’t you talk to me about it? It’s been a few weeks since we found out, and I can’t stop thinking about it while you act like you’ve never learned the truth.
I’ll find them for you, even if it’s one of the last things I do.
I love you,
Your Sunflower.
October 7th, 2023
Prudence,
I’m running out of time.
Don’t blame yourself for going on that weekend trip with Nate. Even if you were here, I wouldn’t have told you.
Don’t blame Ikram either. It’s not his fault I’m not listening and can’t pace myself.
I’m not sure when, but I know I’ll be gone soon.
What is the saddest part of this whole story? Is it that I’m dying when I finally decide to live? Is it that because of it, I’m not only breaking your heart but also Ikram’s because you and I told each other that we deserve love? I don’t regret it.
I’m leaving surrounded by people that matter. People that I love. People that love me. I’m glad we ended up here and I know I’m leaving you in good hands.
You’re not the only one getting a few letters. They will all know too and I hope they’ll forgive me for hiding these lies. This darkness that took my mind for a long time. That desire to end it all.
They’ll know that I’ve pushed myself in their life even when I planned to leave them behind.
Forgive my selfish actions as I’ve only acted to make sure you end up exactly where you are now.
Find your way back.
I love you,
Your Sunflower.