Chapter 14
“How are the kids? Are they sleeping? Are you sleeping? Is Bea feeding alright? How’s that tongue tie?”
Balancing the phone between my ear and shoulder, I sigh as quietly as I can. “The kids are good. Dalton is ready for school to start next week, and Penny is jazzed for 4’s Preschool. Dalton isn’t having nightmares like he was, Penny is back to sleeping in her own bed, Bea is feeding great, and the ENT got that tie snipped weeks ago.” I shudder at the memory of that tongue tie that had made breastfeeding Bea absolutely miserable for the first several weeks of her infancy.
“And you? Are you sleeping?”
“Bea is teething, which means she’s not sleeping great the last couple weeks, so I’m not sleeping great?—”
“Kent, what are we doing next weekend? We can hop over to Teddy’s to take the kids for the weekend, right?” my mother-in-law calls across the room to her husband.
Colleen and Kent Hansen are the best in-laws I could have ever asked for. As I’d gotten older, I’d become so grateful of the fact that I didn’t have to suffer through having monster-in-laws. After Logan’s death, they’d been so incredibly supportive and helpful, and then again right after Bea was born. Colleen had come to stay with us for a couple weeks and I still maintain I don’t know how I would have survived those first few weeks without her.
Mine and Cal’s parents had passed away years ago, so it’s just us. But the Hansen’s—Logan’s parents—are truly wonderful. Logan had been a late in life baby for them, so by the time he’d been grown, they had only been a few years away from retirement. They spend their time on the coast and like to golf and travel to local wineries.
I hear Kent’s deep rumble through the other end of the line, though I can’t quite make out what he says.
“Oh good,” Colleen trills after he finishes, and I can’t help the smile. “We’ll be there next Friday, love. Why don’t you get a hotel for the night and we’ll stay with the kids and have a sleepover.”
The thought is thrilling, even if I know I won’t ever do it. The idea of sleeping in a bed all by myself, no baby monitor next to me or waking for middle of the night feedings… it’s like a little piece of heaven.
“I don’t know if?—”
“Do you have any milk in the freezer?” Colleen asks, cutting me off before I can outright say no. I smile again. She might know me too well. I scoff silently then. She should know me too well; Logan and I were high school sweethearts and had been together over fifteen years before his accident.
“Well, yes?—”
“Is it enough to get through one single, solitary night?” she insists.
I sigh, shaking my head in defeat. “Yes.”
“And do you not trust Gram and Grampa to watch the babies?”
I roll my eyes. Now she’s just being dramatic to be funny, so I play along. “Not even for a second. ”
“Excellent. Ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner it is then.”
A laugh bubbles out of me as I sink into one corner of the couch. “Thank you. The kids will be excited to see you both. And I could use a hug.”
“Oh, my sweet girl,” Colleen murmurs, switching from lighthearted and teasing to sincere. “What’s going on?”
I swallow past the emotion clogging my throat, laughing self-deprecatingly. “It’s silly, honestly.”
“If it makes you upset, it’s not silly,” she says gently.
Taking a deep breath in, I let it out slowly. “I got a call from the local agency. They have an opening starting in October and have my application on file from when we moved. They asked me to come in for an interview… but I don’t know if I’m ready. If I’ll ever be ready to go back to that?—”
Tears burn my nose and fill my eyes. Dammit. I told myself I wouldn’t get emotional over this.
“I know I should go back to work. I’m almost at the end of my four months of maternity leave that I gave myself after Bea was born… I can’t live off the money from selling the house or—or Logan’s life insurance payout forever, and I don’t want you to think that that’s what I’m doing—” I rush to say. “I have most of it in high yield savings for the kids. I let myself keep out just enough to get through until after Bea was born?—”
“Teddy, you don’t have to explain any of this to me,” Colleen says gently. I sniffle and nod, though I know she can’t see it through the phone. “You’ve always been smart and responsible, and we know you will do what you think is best for you and those babies. You don’t have to justify anything to me. And if you’re not ready to go back to dispatch work, you can stay home for as long as you need to. Stay home until Penny goes to kindergarten. Heck, stay home until Bea starts school, for all I care. You will always have those kids and their best interest as your highest priority. We know that. ”
I sense a but, and I’m not waiting long. I smile when she continues.
“…But, you need to make sure you are still finding a way to fulfill your best interests, too, Teddy. Find something that makes you happy, because you can’t pour from an empty cup.”
The tears slide down my cheeks and I swipe at them, blowing a breath out so that my cheeks puff out with the exhale. “I miss it,” I admit quietly. “I loved my job.”
“And you were great at it,” Colleen says.
“Until I wasn’t.” The admission comes out as a whisper.
“Teddy, you have to stop blaming yourself. No one else blames you, but you. How many other calls did you send Logan out on without trouble?” Hundreds. “You had no way of knowing what was going to happen. It was one of those horrible freak accidents. And I know that doesn’t make it any easier to accept, but it was. There was nothing that you did wrong, nothing that Logan did wrong. I will miss my son for the rest of my days, and you will miss him, too. Those babies will miss him. But him not being here is not your fault. Please tell me you know that. Have you been going to the grief counselor?”
“Not since Bea was born,” I admit sheepishly. I twiddle the hem of my shirt between my fingers. “I just haven’t had the time or energy to drive over.” It’s not far, barely a half an hour drive to our old hometown, where Logan’s parents still live. But it seemed like a herculean effort to find a sitter for all three kids or load them up to take them with and drop them off at Colleen and Kent’s home so I could continue to go to counseling.
“Don’t make me move us over there so I can make sure you’re taking care of yourself,” she threatens gently. I know she’s only half-joking. “Do you think you’ll at least go for the interview?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I want to. Lord knows I miss it. I’m just so scared. What if I mess up and I get someone else’s spouse or child killed? I’d never forgive myself. ”
“You can’t continue to be afraid to go out and live , sweet girl.”
I groan in defeat. Dammit I hate when she’s right. One thing about Colleen, she doesn’t rub things in, so she’s quick to change the subject, to which I’m grateful for.
“I’m sure we’ll talk before then, but I’ll see you next Friday, okay?”
“Okay, yes,” I laugh, my chest feeling just a little lighter than it did before she called. “Thank you, Mom.”
“You’re most welcome, Teddy. I’ll see you soon. Love you.”
“Love you, too. See you soon.” I hang up the call, but sit staring at my phone screen. Before I can chicken out, I dial Vi.
When she answers, she asks, “Is something wrong?”
“Does something need to be wrong for me to call you?” I ask, laughing.
“Yes. Otherwise, you’d just text me,” she mumbles. That’s probably the truth, I admit.
“I’m trying to live and not be scared.”
“Yeah, because that’s not cryptic at all,” she deadpans and I laugh again.
“My in-laws are coming next weekend to take the kids for Friday night. Are you on shift at the hospital?” I ask.
“No, but I’m supposed to bartend at Shifty’s on Friday night.”
“Oh. Well, crap.”
“What’s going on?” she asks, and I can sense she’s sitting down, as if worried about what’s coming next.
“They want me to go to a hotel for the night, just to get away for a few hours. I was going to see if you wanted to have a girl’s sleepover with me?” I ask hurriedly. “Junk food and swoony romcom movies and boozy drinks?” Without needing to feed Bea for a whole night, I’ll be able to actually indulge in an adult beverage. It’s the small wins, I guess. “I’m going to drag Scottie with me, too. ”
Vi laughs and says, “Oh hell yes. My parents will have Hollie anyway. I’ll tell Lou we need to switch one night next week. Ugh, yes. One hundred percent yes. Girl’s night in,” Violette sing-songs, and I grin. “No babies, no men. I’m so down.”
Yep, this is going to be great. Just what the doctor—err, mother-in-law—ordered.