Chapter 36
“So,” Cal huffs from several feet away, straightening and leaning against his Pulaski, “is this thing with you and Teddy like an actual thing ?”
Glancing over at him from where I’m hunched over digging my way through our line, I mutter, “Is this really what we need to talk about right now?”
We’re in the thick of Mount Defiance near the south trailhead. A couple of novice adventure hikers had let a campfire get out of hand, spreading to the nearby forest. Lucky for us, it’s a fairly small blaze, and we should be done in a couple days. It’s another easy job.
That doesn’t mean I necessarily want to be having this conversation with my best friend, though.
Opp, Caleb, Sam, and a few others are all further down the trail, about fifty feet away. I glance over at them, though none of them seem to be paying us any attention.
“I’m just watching out for my sister,” Cal says, his tone clipped and terse. “She’s not like the women you’re used to?—”
“Christ, Cal,” I snap, straightening and leaning against my Pulaski, too. I stare over at him. “And what kind of women am I used to?”
Cal’s lips thin. He swipes his safety glasses off and scrubs at his face, leaving a trail of soot and dirt down both sides of his face. “I just mean she’s not the love-em-and-leave-em type.”
I bark out a harsh laugh, shaking my head. “You think I don’t know that?”
“I just know how you are with women?—”
“You know how I was with women,” I correct, turning back to my line and picking up my ax.
He snorts. “You’ve always been so goddamn vocal about not dating beyond hookups and casual flings. Forgive me if I’m concerned because—I can only assume you’re now fucking my sister—and let’s be fucking real here for a second, Sup. She’s not really your type.”
I point one finger at him, my eyes narrowing behind my own safety glasses. “I highly suggest you think real hard about the next words that come out of your mouth, Cal. Your sister is beautiful.”
“I never said she isn’t,” he snaps, tossing his ax to the ground and bracing his feet wide on the rocky terrain we’re standing on. I sigh. God dammit, I really don’t want to fight this motherfucker. Opp stops digging and straightens, turning to face us. Fuck, now we’ve got an audience, though I’m not sure any of them can hear what we’re saying. “But you can’t pretend that you haven’t had a ‘type’ for the years that I’ve known you. And Teddy isn’t it.”
My blood is boiling beneath my skin and I straighten again, tossing my own ax to the ground as I spread my arms wide. “What do you want me to say, Cal? Huh? I chose women that were the opposite of her on purpose. Because then there was no fucking confusing them for who I really wanted. I’ve been crazy about your sister for years, man. But she was married . Married to the perfect fucking husband that gave her three incredible kids that I’m just as crazy about. And then he died and I know I’m not worthy of her, dammit. I’m not worthy of those kids.” Blowing out a heavy exhale, I drop my arms. “I convinced myself that I didn’t want a relationship because of this job, because of the way my parents’ marriage failed. Because it was easier finding women that were nothing like what I wanted than having to admit to myself that I was in love with another man’s wife.”
I suck in a sharp breath at what I’d just admitted out loud for the first time. Cal’s dark brows shoot up, his face going blank as we stare at each other.
“You’re in love with Teddy?”
I exhale sharply, bending low to swipe my Pulaski off the ground, keeping my eyes averted. “Yeah.”
“Does she know that?” he asks, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. I can just see him out of the corner of my eye, hear the crunch of loose rocks beneath his booted feet as he moves.
I shake my head. “No. She’s… she’s not ready to hear that yet.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks quietly.
I bark out another harsh laugh. “Tell you what, and when, Cal? While she was happily married? You’d have kicked my ass. After her husband died? Yeah, hard no. While she was in labor? Fuck, I’d have kicked my own ass.”
He snorts a laugh, nodding. “I guess you’re right.” Bending low, he picks up his ax, twisting it between his gloved hands. “What are you going to do?”
“Fuck if I know,” I mutter, digging in again. “She’s still messed up over Logan’s death, and I don’t blame her. She shouldn’t be with someone that heads out and puts themselves in danger for a fucking living. She deserves to have someone there with her, someone to take care of her and those kids, someone she doesn’t have to worry about. ”
“And that’s not you?”
“That’s a version of me that I’m not sure I’m ready for yet,” I answer honestly, grunting as I work around a particularly heavy rock. “Hanging up my helmet and putting this down?” I gesture to my ax, then shake my head. “This is all I know. I can’t make her any promises because we all know how quickly this job can turn. I made my dad a promise and I’m bound to honor that first.”
“But for how long?” Cal asks. “How long until you feel that you’ve sacrificed enough of yourself to this career before you can walk away and not feel guilty about it?”
“I can’t walk away,” I mutter. “That’s what makes this so damn hard, Cal. I can’t walk away from this, no matter how much she might want me to. I love her… but I love this, too. I’m not ready to walk away. Not yet. My dad gave up his family to make sure he was here to do this job. I can’t just walk away from this when he gave his life to make sure we got out of that fire. To make sure you got out of that fire.”
He nods solemnly. It’s been six years since my dad died, but those wounds live deep. I think Cal suffered worse than I did after his death, having watched it happen. I’d probably have nightmares, too, if it had been me. Instead, I’d been halfway down that fucking mountain with the first half of my crew, with the assumption that Cal and my dad would be right behind me.
But only Cal had come back down off that mountain. He’d had to break the news to me, to tell me what had happened, his eyes haunted and his voice breaking with emotion.
We both understand the dangers of this job and go in each time with the knowledge that no matter how well trained we are, anything can happen. But that’s a risk we all understand and have accepted as part of the job.
That doesn’t change the fact that I will move heaven and earth to make sure I get back to her. I will claw my way through hell to make it back to her every time. To make sure I get to hold her in my arms for another day, another night. Now that I’ve had a taste of what life is like with her in it, I’ll fight tooth and nail to keep it.
As if reading my thoughts, Cal sighs and looks over at me.
“Teddy is probably the strongest woman I know… but I don’t know that she’s strong enough to handle this,” he says quietly, sadly, shaking his head. It’s a fear I’ve had myself. She’s this incredible mix of strength and fragility. That sense of protectiveness that I’ve felt for her for so long has only multiplied. Cal claps me on the shoulder, squeezing tightly as he says roughly, “So you better make sure you know what you’re doing, Sup. Make it home to her every fucking time, because I can’t watch her go through that again.”
Emotion tightens my throat, and all I can do is nod, a silent promise to do my best.