Chapter 46
“What about your arm?” she asks, gesturing to my right side. Her words are brittle and they slice through me. I hate seeing her upset like this.
I glance down at the bandages and flex my fingers as much as I can inside the gauze. It’s going to be a bitch working one handed, that’s for sure. Or I’ll just cut the damn stuff off and hope the stitches hold.
“I’ll be fine,” I murmur, stepping toward her to pull her against me. She’s stiff, holding herself rigid. I exhale heavily, leaning my cheek against the top of her head. “I need to go grab my pack.”
I release her and head down the hall to my bedroom. She follows, slowly, her arms crossed over her middle as if trying to hold herself together.
“I don’t know how long we’ll be gone,” I tell her while grabbing my pack from the closet. I set it on the bed and start rifling through it, making sure everything is ready to go.
“I don’t want you to go,” she whispers, and I look at her from where I’m going through my things on the bed. I straighten.
“I know, but I have to, you know that,” I murmur gently. Fuck, she’s making this really fucking hard. “This fire… it’s bad. An entire crew is missing, I have to go help?—"
“You’re injured, Xander! Still healing, and yet you’re jumping to head back out into another fire? A fire that you just admitted to being extremely dangerous?—”
Her words cut off abruptly as she shakes her head in disbelief, tears shimmering in her eyes, making them look like liquid silver. Dammit. This is why I don’t date. Because this, the moments before I’m supposed to walk out the door and head into a fire, are always the worst. And I can’t blame her for any of it.
“That is exactly why I have to go, Teddy,” I say, forcing my voice to remain even as I continue readying my pack. “There are teams out there that need help. I cannot sit here and send my crew out there without me. I can’t stay here and wait while other teams battle this blaze, knowing I should be out there helping?—”
“ You’re hurt! ” she cries again, gesturing to my right arm again. “What good are you out there if you’re hurt? Other than raising the risk of you yourself getting hurt even worse?—”
“Believe it or not, I know what I’m doing,” I mutter, my tone harsher than intended. She reels back, her brows drawing together. I exhale a heavy breath, scrubbing my hand over my face. “I have been fighting fires since you were in grade school, Teddy.”
“I don’t want you to go.” Her words are quiet, desperate. She’s curving in on herself, like she always does, and I fucking hate that I’m the cause of it. A tear slides down her cheek and she reaches up to swipe at it quickly, but not before it seizes my own heart in my chest. “Please, Xander. I can’t watch you walk out that door. Stay. Stay for me, please .”
“You know I can’t do that.” The words physically pain me to whisper. Her lips wobble and she wraps her arms around her middle the way I hate. “Teddy, if I could stay, I would. For you , I would if I could, but I can’t?—”
“ You can! ” she cries, more tears slipping down her cheeks. “ You said you love me... You just have to choose me. Choose us .”
Her voice breaks on the last word and she dips her chin as she cries. I ache to hold her, but I know if I do, I won’t have the strength to walk out the door, to meet my team and do the job I know I have to do.
The job I am honor bound to do.
“I told Scottie I wouldn’t beg you to stay, but I’m not brave like she is, Xander. I can’t watch you walk away from me, knowing you’re willingly walking into something as dangerous as this. Please ,” she begs quietly, raising those eyes to mine, and I almost break. Fuck, I almost say yes to her, just to erase that pain from her face. “Please, don’t go. Don’t make me worry about losing you. I’m not strong enough to do this again.”
“You lost your husband, Teddy, and I understand how scary this is for you. But you’re asking me to give up something I love ,” I whisper, shaking my head. “Something I am good at, something that lets me help people. You’re asking me to give up what I love because you’re too scared to try?—”
“ Yes! ” she sobs, spreading her fingers out wide across her chest as if trying to contain the hurt. “Yes, I am scared! I’m terrified! I had a great love and I lost it, but why am I the bad guy because I’m not jumping at the chance to go through that again? Losing him nearly killed me, Xander. Not to mention my kids…”
That stings more than I expected it to. Makes my heart feel like it’s being trampled inside my chest.
I’ve suspected she’s not over her husband, but hearing the words come out of her mouth, that he is her great love… it hurts far more than I want it to. My own walls go up as hurt and anger and bitterness take over. Jaw hardening, I point to her left hand, still splayed wide across her chest. I’m not proud of what comes out of my mouth next.
“When do you plan on taking that ring off your finger, Teddy? ”
She swallows hard, her face paling slightly in the dim light, her fingers twitching where they rest. “Xander...”
I shake my head, just once, and she presses her lips together, more tears filling her eyes. “You’re asking me to give up the love of my life, while you’re still wearing another man’s ring.”
Tears spill over her lids and she blinks rapidly, though her eyes never leave mine.
“He was my husband, Xander…”
Her whispered words are nearly deafening in the quiet of the room, ringing like death knells in my head.
“I love you, Teddy. But do you love me?” I ask, my voice sounding hollow to my ears. Tears shimmer in her eyes again, her chest and shoulders shaking, but she stays resolutely silent.
The pain in my chest is nearly debilitating. Why do people do this to themselves? This fucking sucks.
Backing away, I lower my eyes from hers. I need to get out of here. I’m late as it is. My team is waiting for me.
“ Xander— ” she cries brokenly, taking a stumbling step toward me, reaching out one hand. I shrug away from her touch and she sobs, her shoulders shaking as she stops in the middle of my bedroom. “He was my husband?—”
“ Was! ” I exclaim on a shout, spreading my arms wide. Tears slide down her cheeks unchecked, her lower lip wobbling precariously. The agony in her eyes is nearly my undoing. My breathing is ragged, chest heaving, heart fucking breaking. I know I’m not being fair, but cornered animals rarely fight fair. “ Was , Teddy. He’s gone. He’s gone, and I’m right fucking here! ” I slap my hand to my chest, where my own heart is threatening to end me. “ I’m right here, dammit! ”
She sobs, her body shaking with her tears. “Xander, you have to understand this isn’t easy for me?—"
A derisive, cold snort escapes me and another broken sob from her tears my heart clear out of my chest. She wants me, but not enough to let me have a place in her heart. I was a fool to think I could win her heart when it still belongs to someone else.
And because I’m a heartbroken, mean bastard, I lash out the only way I know how.
“Oh, I understand perfectly,” I mutter, snatching up my pack and turning toward her, but refuse to let her tears sway me. I can’t keep doing this. Pining for a woman that will never want me the way I want her. “When you’re ready to move on from that ghost in your bed, let me know, Teddy. Because I can’t keep competing with a dead man’s ghost for your heart, and I sure as hell won’t be a placeholder in your bed for him either.”
Her shoulders shake with her tears, her lips pressed tightly together to silence the sobs wracking her body.
“I need you to go,” I growl through the ache in my throat. My jaw twinges with how hard I’m grinding my molars together, and I gesture toward the door behind her. “I’m late, and my crew is waiting for me.”