Chapter 47
I’ve never been one to follow the news on forest fires.
It only ever added to my anxiety, knowing my brother was out there. So I avoided them for the most part. I would wait until I heard from him, because no news was good news in my head. If he’s not messaging that he’s okay, he’s just busy and I can’t worry about him while he’s risking his life.
Now, though?
I’ve been glued to the TV for over two weeks. Any and every mention of this fire in the mountains of Arizona has only fueled my anxiety and panic, but I’m simply a glutton for punishment and can’t stay away. My brother has messaged that they’re all safe, but it’s been days since either Scottie or myself have heard from him. Violette said yesterday she’d gotten a brief video call with Rowan, but that was it. He was mildly injured, just a twisted ankle, but I know the fear she is struggling with after his accident earlier this year, when he’d been burned badly.
I haven’t heard from Xander, though I’m grateful for Cal, Scottie, and Vi for keeping me up to date on him. Even if every mention of him tears a little more at my soul. I don’t blame him for not reaching out to me .
Scottie and Vi are sitting on my couch with me. A pizza box is opened on the coffee table in front of us, though none of us have eaten much. This fire has been brutal, an absolute beast. The Vantage crew that Xander had mentioned lost three of their crew before teams could get them out. High winds, unpredictable hotspots, and treacherous terrain have made it obvious this fire is not going down without a fight. Evacuations of several small mountain towns occurred, and it consumed everything in its path.
Camera footage from above the fire, either by drone or helicopter, makes my throat close. It’s massive, the destruction. Never ending scorched earth and flames shooting high into the sky, curling like a forked tongue in the high winds. I’m sick to my stomach.
The camera footage switches to coverage of a ground crew, and I hold my breath for a sight of Xander, though I know it’s a slim chance with as many crews they have on the ground for this blaze.
“Hey, there’s Cal!” Vi exclaims, pointing to the screen. Scottie sits up straighter, her eyes widening on the screen. She blows out a heavy breath and smiles weakly. I squeeze her hand tight in my own. “And Rowan, oh thank god!”
Then there’s Xander, facing the camera from several yards away, his face nearly black with soot. His eyes flashing that intense, sky blue from behind his safety glasses. The clothes he’s wearing are dirty, soot stained, and I can just make out the bandage on his right hand, now nearly black with grime.
He looks exhausted—they all do—but the grin on his face as he looks around at his crew… he’s out there doing what he loves, what he was born to do. The man was born to be a hero.
My fingers tighten around Scottie’s again, and I focus so hard on his face that I don’t even realize that I’m crying.
“See?” Scottie says, squeezing my hand back. “They’re all okay. ”
I laugh, and then I’m sobbing, dropping my face into my hands as my shoulders shake with the tears that pour out of me.
I was so scared to tell him I love him that I let him walk out without telling him. I let him walk into that fire thinking I don’t love him, when that’s not even close to the truth.
I love Xander with every breath in my lungs, every beat of my heart. He told me he wants everything, and I let him walk away thinking I didn’t want that, too. Because I was too scared to try again.
“I was so selfish,” I mumble through my tears, finally raising my head enough to swipe at my face. “Ohmygod,” I groan, tipping my head back to stare at the ceiling. “He must hate me.”
“I doubt that’s true,” Vi says gently, patting my shoulder. “They all know we get emotional and scared. It’s normal.”
“But I doubt either of you basically begged Cal or Rowan to stay,” I whisper brokenly, heaving a shuddering breath to steady myself. “I begged, you guys. I would have gotten down on my knees. I was so incredibly selfish to ask him to give this up because I’m not strong enough to handle it.”
“Rowan got the call for a fire once right as I was starting my period,” Violette mumbles, grimacing slightly. “I might have thrown a fork at him when he said he had to go and I cried because I didn’t want him to leave.”
I snort out a startled laugh, looking over at her incredulously. Her eyes go wide and she holds her hands out.
“ What?! ” she exclaims, laughing, too. “I wasn’t aiming at him. It was just in his general direction!”
“Oh my god,” I laugh, shaking my head. “That’s hilarious. And a little terrifying.”
“Shut up,” she laughs, shoving my shoulder gently before reaching out to snag a piece of the pizza.
The news footage has since moved on from the ground crew, leaving me feeling bereft. I could have stared at Xander’s dirty, stupidly handsome face forever .
I desperately need him to come home safely.
Looking down at my left hand, I spread my fingers wide on my thigh.
The nakedness of my finger is still something I’m getting used to, but it doesn’t hurt the way I expected it to. The small indent and pale strip where my wedding band had sat for over a decade will take time to fade, but… it somehow doesn’t feel wrong.
It feels like spring, like the beginning of something fresh and new. I just need Xander to come home so I can tell him everything.