Chapter 48
It’s been a month of fighting this fucking bitch of a fire and I’m exhausted. Ready to go home.
It’s been a fucking month since I’ve talked to Teddy, heard her voice. That morning that I’d left had nearly fucking killed me. But being without her… fuck. I can’t keep doing this. I need her so fucking fiercely, every damn part of her. Her worry, her fears, her laughter, her love. I want it all.
Cal and Rowan have kept me in the loop of what Scottie and Violette have told them, but that’s about it. Just that she’s okay, that the kids are okay.
Nothing else.
This Geronimo fire in Arizona is just about toast, and I can’t fucking wait to get our orders to go home.
Sitting on an overturned log, I sip a cup of steaming hot, shitty campfire coffee and stare down at the envelope that I’d stuffed in my pack before I’d left that morning. It had come with me, had remained inside one of the interior pockets throughout the entire fight.
But now, with this fire's end on the horizon, I pulled it out. Still staring at the handwriting scrawled across the front .
“You ever gonna read that?” Cal asks, sitting down next to me, a plate of food in both hands. He hands me one and I take it with a gruff thanks. “You’ve been staring at it for an hour.”
I huff out a derisive laugh, shaking my head. “Fuck, I’ve been staring at this for two months.”
“What is it?” he asks around a mouthful of food. His knees are spread wide, elbows braced on his knees, plate suspended in front of him.
I fold the envelope and tuck it into the front pocket of my shirt for safekeeping, then dig into my own food before answering.
“It’s a letter from my dad.”
“No shit?”
I nod, taking another bite of food. Fuck I’m starving. “Zach found it in his shit when he was moving. Sent it back to me. I just haven’t had the balls to open it.”
“Are you scared of what it says?” Cal asks.
Shrugging, I huff out another sigh. “I don’t know. Maybe?”
Cal has already scarfed down his plate, and he sits up straighter, then stands, clamping one hand on my shoulder. “Read it, you pussy.”
And then he’s gone, striding away into the deepening twilight. I finish my plate, then set it aside. I scrub my hands over my face, rub them together. Anxiety is coursing through me like I’ve been zapped by a livewire.
“Fuck it,” I huff, taking the envelope out of my pocket and ripping the seal open. I hate how much my hands are trembling as I pull the letter out and unfold it. My heart beats triple time as I see my dads handwriting filling the page. There’s no date on it. Scrubbing one hand over my heavily bewhiskered jaw, I start to read .
Son,
There comes a time in every man's life where he starts to reflect on the choices he’s made and what path those choices led him down. After thinking on this for several months, I figured it's high time to put my rambling old man thoughts down in the hopes that maybe my choices can help you along the way.
I don’t worry about Zach or Joel the way I worry about you. Zach has Brittanee and the babies to round his life out, and Joel is still young. He might be kind of a loose cannon, but I think he’ll be figuring out his own ways soon enough. Although, don’t tell Zach I say so, I’ve never really been a fan of that wife of his. Or maybe I just don’t know her all that well and she’ll prove me wrong.
I can’t tell you how proud I am of you boys following in my boots in your own ways. Fighting fire is in our blood, it’s in our hearts. It’s who we are. And I’m damn proud of all of my boys for making the decision to be a part of this profession. You’ve proven yourself these last years as a ‘shot, and this old man can admit to getting emotional when I think about you taking over as Sup here soon. You’ve made one helluva squaddie and a cap, and I can’t wait to see what you can do with this crew as Sup leading them. You’re fair, honest, a damn hard worker, as well as a good man. You’ve always had a level head on your shoulders, son. Thinking ahead, planning. Watching.
But that brings me to what I really want to talk to you about, and as you well know, I’ve never been a man big on sharing feelings and all that mushy shit. I can only hope you boys always knew how much I loved you and always will. I might not have said it often enough, but I hope you knew anyway. I didn’t take the time or the effort necessary to love your momma the way she needed, and it cost me the love of my life. Walking away from her, losing her, is my only regret in this life. I let the love I have for this job, the duty I feel to keep going overshadow the love I have for her and it cost me in spades, son. She asked me to stay and I walked away because I was too fucking proud to admit I needed her more than I needed to breathe, and that scared the hell out of me.
Now, I see the way you watch someone, and it reminds me a lot of the way I imagine I used to look at your mom. Like she was the sun and I was the fool that couldn’t stop staring at her even if it killed me. I see it, even if no one else does.
So, if there is only one piece of advice you ever take from your old man, let it be this, Xander; If you have the chance to have that kind of love in your life, hold onto it. Hold onto it with both hands, fiercely, and don’t let your pride or some misplaced sense of duty to this job keep you from it. You choose her, every time, son. Don’t make the same mistakes as your old man. I found the love of my life and I squandered it to chase fire. And I’ve lived the last thirty years knowing my heart was beating halfway across the country with a woman that I didn’t cherish the way I promised to.
Don’t lose that, if you get the chance to have it. Promise me you won’t let that kind of love slip through your hands. We’re never really worthy of women like that, but we can try with every damn breath in our lungs to love them the way they deserve. So if she ever comes to you and asks you to choose her, and she will, if she loves you like I’m sure she will, you do it. Without question. Without hesitation. Because I promise you, you don’t want to get to be my age and realize you lost the best thing in your life.
Don’t let yourself get so comfortable in this life that you miss out on something great, son.
~Dad
I must read through it three times from start to finish before letting my hand drop between my knees. I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting like hell to keep the sting of tears at bay.
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I swipe at the tears that gather at the corner of my eyes. Fuck, I miss this man.
But as I sit here, I realize I miss someone else far more. I miss Teddy with every fiber of my being. I’m not whole without her. Without Dalton and Penny and Bea. I need them, so fucking much. I love them, fiercely.
Pushing to my feet, I stride over to Cal and clap him on the back. I know what I need to do, and for the first time, I have not one single fucking doubt in my mind that I’m doing the right thing.
“We need to talk,” I say gruffly, and he nods.
Because I’m going to choose that woman every damn time.