Chapter 23 #2
‘You said sorry and you never apologise for anything.’
‘Yeah, well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. They say you’re meant to be in your prime in your forties so how come I’m days off hitting forty, my kids all hate me and I’m about to rack up my second divorce?’
My stomach lurched. ‘You and Declan are getting divorced?’ But then a wave of anger swept through me. ‘Is that what this is all about? You’re not upset because Erin and Lucy have frozen you out. You’re upset because it’s over with him.’
‘Can’t I be upset about both those things?’
‘You can, but I know you better than that. Go on, then. What happened?’
‘Remember how I said Declan never wanted to get married and have kids?’
‘Vividly, because that’s why you lied to everyone about Aaron.’
She dared to roll her eyes at me, as if to say let’s not rake over that insignificant little detail again.
‘When Declan found out that Aaron was his, he was just as surprised as I was by his positive reaction. He loved the idea of having a kid and he lavished all his attention on Aaron but he hated how Aaron kept asking for you.’
‘Can you blame him? One minute I was his dad, next minute I wasn’t allowed to have anything to do with him and he had a stranger wanting to play footy with him. Did you really think he’d adjust to that overnight?’
‘It wasn’t easy for Declan either!’ she cried.
It was my turn to roll my eyes but I also verbalised my thoughts. ‘I couldn’t care less what Declan was going through. I could have helped with the transition and we could have both been in Aaron’s life but, no, he threatened legal action so you’ll forgive me for having no sympathy for him.’
‘Do you want me to tell you or not?’ Ingrid took another gulp from her drink while keeping her eyes fixed on mine.
‘Yes, please continue.’
‘Although he hasn’t admitted it, I suspect Declan proposed out of jealousy and I think he might even have suggested we have another baby for the same reason.’
‘I don’t follow. What was he jealous of? Me?’
‘Of course! I know it ended badly but we were happy for a while, weren’t we? We had lots of good times together.’
I didn’t want to analyse our relationship.
Yes, I’d thought we were happy but knowing that she’d been in love with Declan the whole time put a different spin on it.
As for lots of good times together, they were because of the kids and, for me, most of my positive memories were of times spent with the kids without Ingrid around.
Ingrid evidently realised I wasn’t going to respond so she continued.
‘Declan loved the idea of being a dad but the reality didn’t match that.
He clashed with Aaron all the time and the more he tried to get Aaron to stop focusing on you, the more Aaron wanted to be with you.
The girls hated him and they started to resent Aaron for getting all the attention. It was awful.’
The bit about Declan’s idea of fatherhood not matching reality was new to me but I knew the rest from Erin and Lucy and the feelings of despair I’d had for them escalated at hearing Ingrid saying the same thing. Such a sad chapter in our family’s story.
‘When the twins were born, Declan couldn’t cope.
He’d never been around babies and hadn’t a clue what to do.
If there’d just been one, I’d have managed but I needed his help with two and he was worse than useless.
We fought constantly and the tension in the house was unbearable.
I didn’t want to subject Erin and Lucy to that and I thought that, if they moved back in with you permanently, things might improve between Declan and me.
I knew it was what they wanted but I can see now how it would have looked like I was pushing them out to make way for the twins. ’
‘You could have talked to them about it. They’d have understood.’
‘I’m sure they would have but I didn’t realise they’d feel pushed out so it never entered my head to explain my thoughts.
So they left and I assumed it was what Declan wanted considering they’d never bonded with him.
It actually made it worse because I hadn’t realised how much they’d been helping with Piper and Savannah and, when they weren’t there, I needed Declan even more and he wasn’t willing or able to step up.
I kept thinking that, if we could just get past the sleepless nights phase, it would get better but it didn’t.
And a few months ago it all blew up. Declan had been in a foul mood all week – problems at work – and had a few drinks to let off steam which loosened his tongue and out it all came about how much he hated our life.
He accused me of trapping him into something that, from the moment we met, he’d been clear he never wanted.
I’d been thinking of coming home for Christmas anyway after I found out about Dad so I booked a flight and that’s why nobody knew I was coming. Even I didn’t know I was coming.’
She stared into her glass, her shoulders drooped. ‘I thought the break would do us the world of good, that Declan would miss me and want me back, but…’
‘But it gave him the clarity to get out?’ I suggested after she tailed off.
‘Yep.’
She ran a finger around the rim of her wine glass – a tell for when she had something difficult to say.
I remembered her doing the same thing before announcing she wanted to move to Australia and she’d done it when I’d confronted her with the truth about Aaron.
My stomach was in knots, wondering what was coming next. She removed her finger and sat back.
‘Before I left, I said something stupid. It wasn’t something I’d been thinking about but, in the heat of the moment, it came out.’
‘What did you say?’ I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
‘I said that I might go back to you and let you raise the twins because you were a good dad and he wasn’t.’
I’d been feeling sorry for her and the deterioration of her marriage but now I was inflamed. Why drag me into it? As if I’d ever get back together with her.
‘Strewth, Ingrid! What possessed you to say something so ridiculous?’
‘I know! You don’t need to lecture me. I’ve beaten myself up enough about it because do you know what he went and did after I left? He hooked up with his ex-girlfriend.’
Tears tracked down her cheeks and I was back to feeling sorry for the mess she’d created.
She rummaged in her bag for a packet of tissues and wiped her eyes and cheeks.
‘Is the divorce a threat or is it actually happening?’ I asked gently.
‘He’s started the process.’
‘And is it what you want?’
‘I know it should be after what he’s done, but I pushed him into that and—’
‘What you said was stupid but that didn’t give him permission to hook up with his ex.’
The tears kept coming and, with an apology, she hastened to the toilets. I exhaled heavily and took a swig of my drink. I hoped that was the end of the revelations as this was like an episode from a soap opera and I wasn’t sure how much more I could bear.
Ingrid rejoined me eventually, her cheeks flushed, her eyes bloodshot.
‘What are you going to do now?’ I asked once she’d settled back in her chair.
‘I don’t know. I can’t imagine living in Aus but not being with Declan. He was the only reason I went there in the first place.’
That could have felt like a jab to the stomach but it didn’t affect me at all. She might not have come out and declared it quite so candidly before now, but I’d known it to be the truth.
‘I’ve quite enjoyed being back in the Bay.
I hadn’t realised how much I’ve missed my parents and it’s been good to see a couple of old friends from school.
One of my nursing colleagues in Aus has offered to pack up my stuff and send it on but that’s a huge task cos it’s not just my stuff – it’s Aaron’s and the twins’ things too.
I could pay a fortune for shipping things we don’t need so, if it really is the end, I might have to go back and pack up the house myself.
They’ve already told me at the hospital that I just have to say the word and I can return to nursing full time so I’d have a job sorted here and, with Declan selling up or buying me out, I’d be able to afford a house. ’
‘Sounds like you’d have a good life back here.’
‘But I wouldn’t have Declan and…’ Tears pooled in her eyes once more and she blinked them back. ‘Lots to think about.’
‘Are you going to tell the girls?’
‘I thought you—’
I cut her off with a shake of my head. ‘This needs to come from you and I suggest you tell them everything. You started off by asking why they didn’t speak to you. Unless that was a throwaway comment to get me onside before you made it all about Declan…’
It was her turn to shake her head. ‘I genuinely do care and I needed to hear that.’
‘In that case, this is your chance to have an honest heart-to-heart with them and try to repair some of the damage in your relationship. I’m not doing it for you.’
‘Fair enough. You’re right. If I talk to them and it’s a disaster, will you smooth things over? You’re so good at that.’
‘I’ll be the voice of reason, as always, but I can’t promise anything I say will have any impact.
You’re the only one who can smooth things over but I’m not going to sugar coat it for you.
It won’t be easy and it won’t be quick because you have a hell of a lot of making up to do. Does Aaron know what’s going on?’
‘No, and you can’t tell him. I know you’ve been seeing him which, by the way, I don’t appreciate after I explicitly told you not to.’
‘I heard you but I repeatedly told you I wouldn’t reject him if he came to see me. He wants some help with his drawings so I’m giving him that.’
‘Do you like spending time with him?’
I raised my eyebrows. ‘What sort of question is that? Of course I do! You know how I feel about him.’
She glugged on her wine and poured herself another glass. ‘That thing I said to Declan about us getting back together and you raising the twins… What if that’s what we did? You’d be able to see Aaron every day, the girls would have a caring father, and—’
‘And it would be a lie. You don’t love me. You never did.’
‘But I did care for you and maybe I could again. You were always so kind to me and you’re a fantastic dad. I never appreciated quite how brilliant you were at it until I saw how much Declan struggled. What do you think? It wouldn’t be perfect but I think we could be happy again. Don’t you?’
I stared at her, hardly able to believe I was hearing those words or that she looked like she believed what she was saying.
‘We weren’t happy, Ingrid. You made every decision in our life from the minor ones like the design of the bathroom tiles to the major ones like emigrating.
If I protested, you made me feel like I was the one being awkward so I rolled over and let you have your way because, back then, I loved you and would do anything for you.
When we got to Australia, it was like you stopped even trying with me.
I know now that it’s because you’d got what you wanted – Declan back in your life.
Knowing you were betraying me, you’d think that you’d let me have something to make me happy like a career I loved but you couldn’t even do that.
You were never supportive of me when things took off, you didn’t come to the gallery opening and you showed no interest in anything I achieved.
All you cared about was you and Declan so you’ll forgive me if I tell you where to shove your proposal.
I don’t love you. I do feel sorry for you but you made your bed…
I’ll always try to smooth things over so you can have a relationship with our girls but we are never, ever getting back together. ’
‘Is this because you’re seeing that woman from the café?’
Frustration was building inside me. Was she hearing what I was saying? It was about Ingrid, not Tara!
‘I love Tara and I plan to spend the rest of my life with her but, even if there was no Tara, it would still be a categoric no to trying again with you.’
‘But why? This would get you what you’ve always wanted – full access to Aaron.’
‘That’s not fair,’ I snapped. ‘You can’t use him as a bargaining chip.’
‘But surely you’d at least want to think about it? And what about the twins?’
I felt like we were going round in circles. ‘What about them? I’d love to have a relationship with them but only because they’re Erin and Lucy’s half-siblings, not because I want to be their dad. I’ve never even met them so I don’t know where this idea that I’d want to raise them has come from.’
‘But you want to raise Aaron still.’
‘Aaron’s a completely different kettle of fish. Surely you can see that.’ I couldn’t do this anymore. I downed the last gulp of my lager and stood up. ‘I’m leaving.’
‘I can stop you from seeing Aaron,’ she called as I headed for the snug exit.
I spun round and couldn’t help myself. ‘Why don’t you tell Aaron the truth and then see who he wants to spend time with?’
I stormed out of the pub, praying she wouldn’t follow me.
I’d managed to stay fairly calm and had chosen my words very carefully to convey the truth without hurting Ingrid but I was so incensed with her right now that, if she pushed me any further, I was in danger of unleashing exactly what I thought of her and it wouldn’t be pretty.