Chapter 39 #2
‘No. It was me.’ She said it with a resigned voice and, yet again, my heart broke for her.
‘I haven’t done it since I got here. I feel safe with you.’
My throat tightened because I was fairly certain that feeling safe with me wasn’t just about being out of Griff’s reach. I suspected it went back to whatever caused her to flee from Teesside in the first place.
‘Is it okay with you if we talk about it now?’ I asked.
She nodded so we moved into the lounge and I suggested she take me back to the beginning.
‘It started when I was seven, a couple of months after my dad died. I was so upset and I needed my mam but she was a mess. I knew she loved him and wanted him there but so did I and so did our Jacey. Mam was the adult and she should have been there for us but she wasn’t.
I had this big ball of anger growing inside me, although I didn’t realise that’s what it was at the time, and I felt like I was going to explode.
‘I had a fringe back then. Dad loved me having a fringe – said he couldn’t see my pretty face if I had hair hanging in it.
It had got really long and it was in my eyes all the time.
I kept asking Mam to cut it for me but she kept telling me to go away and stop bothering her.
She kept some hairdressing scissors in the bathroom cabinet so I decided to cut my own fringe.
Nightmare! There was hair all over the sink and taps and I couldn’t get it straight.
I kept snipping and snipping, trying to even it up and, in the end, I had this tiny little tuft instead of a fringe. ’
She paused and shook her head, a ghost of a smile on her lips, but then she dipped her head and sighed.
‘I was so angry with my mam for not doing it for me, leaving me to hack it myself, and I remember staring down at the open scissors in my hand. I’ve no idea why I did it but, next second, I’d sliced them across my arm.
The cut wasn’t deep but it bled and, even though it hurt, somehow it eased the pain inside me so I did it again. ’
I swallowed hard on the lump in my throat, picturing Zoe as a little seven-year-old so overwhelmed by her grief that she could do something like that.
‘Jacey found me in the bathroom. She saw the cuts – three of them – and she cleaned them and put a big plaster on. She told me never to do it again and that I must tell her if I felt the need. She was only ten but she must have known what I was doing. Why else would she have thought I’d do it again? ’
That a ten-year-old would be aware of self-harming broke my heart too.
Zoe told me how Jacey fiercely protected her from that point and, after their grandpa died a few years later, she encouraged Zoe to cry but insisted she never pick up the scissors again.
‘She sounds like an amazing sister,’ I said.
‘She was. I miss her every day.’
I was curious as to what had happened to Jacey but that line of questioning might detract Zoe from telling me what prompted her to self-harm again. She’d pushed up her sleeves and I could see dozens of silvery scars all the way up both arms among the more recent cuts which were still healing.
‘You mentioned before that your grandmother died a few years after your grandpa?’ I prompted, hoping to refocus her.
‘Yeah. I was thirteen when Granny died but Jacey was sixteen and she wasn’t around much.
Mam had this boyfriend – Sol Atkins. We used to call him Twatkins.
We both hated him and he was vile to Jacey, always shouting and swearing at her and she’d had enough.
Her boyfriend’s parents let her stay at theirs so it was just me, Mam and Sol.
‘I was gutted when Granny died and Jacey came round and made me promise not to play with the scissors. It had become a bit of a joke cos I’d never actually done it again since the fringe incident.
I told her I’d be all right. She went to her boyfriend’s, Mam was working a late shift, and I was alone with Sol.
After our Whitsborough Bay holiday, Granny and Grandpa had given us a photo album each with photos from the holiday and other photos of them with us and with Dad and I looked through it and got really upset.
Sol heard me crying and came into my bedroom.
I thought he’d tell me to shut up but he was really nice. ’
My stomach lurched as I recalled the conversation I’d had with Jim the first time I saw Zoe and his belief that she’d fled from abuse. I had a sinking feeling Sol wasn’t going to be so nice after all.
‘He sat on the bed next to me and hugged me and then…’ Zoe’s voice cracked and she shuddered.
‘Take your time,’ I said gently as tears tracked down her cheeks.
She wiped her face and took several deep breaths before continuing.
‘He was stroking my arm, comforting me, and his fingers brushed past one of my boobs. I thought he hadn’t realised but he kept stroking me and each movement got closer and closer.
I pulled away and told him I was feeling better now and he shrugged and said okay and left.
He was so casual that I told myself I’d imagined it or it had been an accident.
‘After that, he was always finding an excuse to hug me or brush up against me or tickle me. My grandpa used to tickle me and Jacey and have us in fits of giggles and what Sol was doing was not what Grandpa used to do. He’d often do it in front of Mam and I’d tell him to get off me but she’d just laugh and say he was only having fun and I should lighten up. ’
‘Oh, Zoe. Surely she could see that what he was doing wasn’t fun.’
‘I tried talking to her when he wasn’t there but she wouldn’t hear a word against him.
Made out I was acting up and trying to cause a rift between them cos he wasn’t my dad and I was jealous that she’d found love again.
When I persisted, she slapped me. She’d never hit me before but she did it regularly after that – proper beatings too. ’
As if her mother’s physical abuse wasn’t bad enough, I felt sick to the stomach as Zoe described how things escalated with Sol.
She hated her mother being at home in case she took any frustrations out on her but she also dreaded her being on late shifts because it meant time alone with Sol.
He made her feel like it was her fault, that she was leading him on.
He fed her the usual stories about nobody believing her which, of course, her mother had already proved and he even got her believing that Jacey didn’t care because, if she did, she’d have chosen her own family instead of her boyfriend’s.
With nobody to turn to and the pain building inside her, she found herself opening the bathroom cabinet and reaching for those hairdressing scissors once again.
‘A month before my fifteenth birthday, I stood in the bathroom with the scissors and I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I had bruises on my arms from where Sol had pinned me down earlier, a hand imprint on my cheek from where Mam had had a go when she got home from work and my arms looked like a train track and I thought why the hell am I still here? They’d gone to the pub so I shoved some essentials and my photo album in my backpack along with anything I thought I might be able to sell.
Mam kept her loose change in one of those huge whisky bottles so I raided that and left.
I had nowhere to go but I didn’t care. All I cared about was getting out of there. ’
‘And that’s when you made your way down to Whitsborough Bay?’
She nodded. ‘It took a couple of years before I made it here – spent weeks in so many other places on my way – but I got here eventually because it was the only place I could remember ever being happy.’
‘I’m so sorry that happened to you. Nobody should ever be subjected to anything like that.’
‘No, they shouldn’t, but there are lots of bad people in the world. Lots of good ones too, though, like you and Jed, Jim, Esther and the other librarians…’
‘Did you ever tell anyone what happened?’
‘You’re the first. I’ve thought about reporting them – even thought about it when I was with the police on Saturday – but it’s too late now.’
‘It’s never too late, Zoe. Why should they get away with it, especially Sol? Why should they live their lives with no repercussions? Do it to someone else, perhaps?’
Zoe looked uncertain and I feared I might lose her if I went on too much. Besides, it felt hypocritical to push Zoe when I’d never reported Leanne and Garth.
‘You’ve got to do what’s right for you and I’ll support you whatever you decide. We can put your mother and Sol aside and purely focus on the self-harming for now if that’s what you want. I know none of this can be easy to relive.’
‘It wasn’t quite as hard to tell you as I thought it might be. I’d already decided I was going to.’ She glanced down at her arms. ‘I don’t want to do this to myself. I haven’t felt the need while I’ve been here but I can’t sleep on your sofa forever. What happens then?’
‘This is your home for now so don’t worry about that part. I don’t know much about self-harming myself but I will say what your sister said – if you feel the urge, talk to me first. Promise?’
‘I promise.’
‘We can do some research together and get you some help from people who do know. You’re not on your own with this. You’ve got me and, together, we’ve got this.’
Tears trickled down Zoe’s cheeks once more but she assured me they were tears of gratitude that I’d listened and believed and that I’d kept reaching out to her even though she’d repeatedly pushed me away.
‘I told you when we first met that I had this feeling in my gut that I might be able to make a difference to you. I hadn’t a clue what that would look like but I think this might be the start of it.’
She smiled through her tears. ‘It feels like it.’
Zoe wanted another bath and I was watching television with Hercules when she returned wearing pyjamas with her long hair tied up in a messy bun on the top of her head.
‘I’d forgotten how much I love baths,’ she said. ‘It’s always been showers in the hostels so this is such a luxury for me. I had to really force myself to get out.’
‘Never any pressure from me,’ I said. ‘You soak for as long as you want.’
She sat down at the end of the sofa. ‘I did some thinking while I was in the bath. You know that job you offered me. Can I take you up on it now?’
My heart leapt. ‘Of course you can.’
‘I don’t know if I’ll be any good. Your coffee machine looks intense.’
‘It’s not as bad as it looks but we’ll start with the easier stuff and build up to that.’
‘What are you watching?’ she asked.
‘Not sure. Some crime series but I’m not really following it.’
‘Can we watch Friends?’
I smiled at her as I started the DVD.
Two episodes later, I was ready for my bed but told Zoe she was welcome to watch some more if she kept the volume low.
‘I’ll read instead. I like watching Friends with you.’
I stood up and stretched. ‘I’m glad you’ve decided to take the job. We can work out some hours for you here but Jed’s also looking for someone to work in the gallery so we can talk about that too. Not a bookshop but—’
‘It’s a step in the right direction,’ Zoe said, smiling at me.
‘I feel like I’m taking quite a few of those this week.
Will it matter that I haven’t got any qualifications?
I haven’t got my GCSEs cos I dropped out of school.
It’s one of the reasons I said no to your offer before. I’m a bit embarrassed about it.’
Considering the age she’d left home, I should have realised.
I gave her a reassuring smile. ‘It’s not your fault you didn’t get the chance to do your exams and it’s not a problem.
You’ll learn on the job and experience counts for so much.
Please promise me that you won’t let yourself be defined by a tough start in life through no fault of your own and you won’t let yourself be derailed by anything that’s happened in the past. You’re safe now, you’ve got a roof over your head, you’ll be earning a wage soon and getting some great transferrable skills. ’
‘I’ll try but it’s a lot,’ she said, looking worried.
‘It is but you’re not doing any of it alone.
You’re right where you need to be to get your life on track and heading for where you want it to go.
For you, life begins at eighteen. For me, it was twenty-two and I’m proof that bad things happen to good people but they don’t have to control the rest of your life. ’
‘What did happen to you?’ Zoe asked. ‘I mean, I know your parents died and you were in foster care but…’
‘Long story and not a pretty one for bedtime. I will tell you at some point but, for now, let’s focus on you. Goodnight, Zoe.’
‘Night, Tara.’
Lying in bed a little later, I replayed in my head what I’d said to Zoe and I had an epiphany.
I’d just allowed Leanne’s pregnancy and return to our parents’ lives to derail me.
I’d allowed it to upset me and potentially cause a rift with my parents and I knew why.
We’d talked about it not being a choice between having Leanne or me in their lives but, deep down, I hadn’t believed that.
I’d allowed my greatest fear to be an issue – that I was second best because I wasn’t their biological daughter – and I was furious with myself for that.
Mum and Dad had never treated me as though I wasn’t their own so I knew the fear was irrational but I’d removed myself from the equation as a protective mechanism.
For the sake of my mental health, I did need that physical space for now but I was going to make sure we stayed in regular contact and I was going to start composing that email the next free moment I had.
I’d questioned Zoe as to why her mother and boyfriend should get away with what they’d done and I needed to ask myself the same question.
Why should Leanne and Garth get away with what they’d done?
Going to the police was a major decision and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do that – for the toll it would take on my parents perhaps more than for what it might do to me – but Mum and Dad had a right to know who their daughter really was.
I’d email them the whole truth and take it from there.