8. FIVE
FIVE
C aitlin cuddled with her daughter in bed, listening to her innocent puffs of breath come and go as they became deeper and longer. Isabelle had a busy day, and she fell asleep quickly after story time, but not before she asked her the question she had feared for the last three years.
“Mommy, who my daddy?” Isabelle had asked, staring at her with sleepy eyes and continuing before Caitlin had the chance to remember how to breathe and think of how to answer the question. “If I not have a daddy, can Jordie be my daddy? I like Jordie.”
She nestled into her then, falling silent, and leaving Caitlin catching her breath, both relieved that she didn’t have to come up with an answer that moment and scared to death for the conversation she knew she had to have with Jordan…especially now.
As she kissed her sweet daughter’s head before untangling herself from her clinging arms, she wondered if there was an unseen bond between a man and his child. Isabelle had never attached so quickly to another person, especially not a man. And Jordan. She bit her lip as she glanced back at her daughter once more. Jordan had never been so attentive or patient with a child…at least not before.
If he had, would she have given him a chance? At least have let him make the choice if he wanted to be a father or not?
Guilt ravaged her heart and tears pierced her eyes. Four years ago, she had regretted leaving the moment she pulled out of their driveway, but the stubborn conviction that her news would only bring him misery made her keep going.
A million times over the next several months, she picked up the phone to call him, only to hang up before he answered. A part of her had known she was wrong for keeping Isabelle a secret from him, but the other part told her she had no choice.
Now she would find out for sure. At least from this moment on, she could continue forward in truth…wherever that may lead. Her gaze lingered on her daughter, fear clutching her heart, and hope pushing her back through the doorway toward the room where Jordan waited for her—hope that he would forgive her and not take Isabelle away from her…not even for weekends.
She stepped to the edge of the hallway, stopping to draw in deep breaths. Miller thought telling Jordan was a mistake, but he deserved to know, and Isabelle deserved to know that he was her father. And if there was anyone she could trust with what was going on with her father, Jordan was the one.
In fact, her dad had told her to tell him…and she always listened to her dad.
Caitlin blew out a breath as she entered the living room, feeling the warmth from the wood stove welcome her in a warm embrace.
Jordan turned, a smile lighting his lips. “She went down fast, huh?” He held a mug for her and scooted over on the couch, making it clear he wanted her next to him and not safely on the recliner across from him.
“Yes,” she said, taking the hot mug from his hands and breathing in the sweet, rich aroma of hot chocolate. Memories of their old routines drifted into her mind, of evenings relaxing on the couch, sipping hot chocolate, and reliving their adventures.
Jordan watched her, a mixture of emotions playing across his features. He opened his mouth, then closed it. His brows furrowed.
“You have something to say,” Caitlin said, settling herself in the corner of the couch and pulling her knees into her chest as she faced him. “Tell me.”
Jordan’s lips broke into a smile, his knowing smile, the one that meant he knew exactly what she was doing. “I like having you here, both of you.”
“We appreciate you allowing us to stay here.” Caitlin set down the mug, squeezing her hands around her legs as she prepared to open up. “Miller says that it’s a location that’s easy to fortify.”
“That sounds like something he would say.” Jordan turned fully toward her, setting his back against the armrest and folding one leg onto the couch. “Ready to tell me what’s going on?”
She nodded. “Daddy said I could.”
“Huh. Maybe something good will come from his trouble-making after all.”
“He only wants to keep me safe.”
“And that’s what he was doing when he told me to stay away from you? Was I a threat?” Jordan pushed a smile to his face, trying to play off his words as a tease, but she heard the seriousness behind it, and knew the old hurt was coming to the surface.
“He only knew I was sad…that I felt I was doing the right thing, but now,” she bit her lip, trying to keep the emotions back, “now I’m not so sure I did.”
“Well, I could have told you that four years ago.” He blew out a breath. “We’re getting side-tracked. What has you fleeing back here? Not that I’m upset about that, but I need to know what you’re running from.”
Caitlin played with the hems of her jeans, letting the words spill forth. “I don’t know much. They want it that way, it’s safer for us. Anyway, the people daddy works for are…well, powerful men.” She shrugged.
“That’s established. He went to work for the mob.”
“Geez, Jordan, it’s not like that.”
Jordan raised an eyebrow.
“Whatever. Anyway, Daddy is in witness protection. He could take Mom, but no one else. I don’t know why, but of course we can assume all sorts of things.” She narrowed her eyes at Jordan.
He shrugged, taking a sip of his hot chocolate to hide the smile she knew played on his lips. “So, why does that make you go into hiding?”
“He was afraid that whoever is after him would go after me and Isabelle for leverage.”
“Really?” Jordan shook his head. “That sounds like a mob movie. Surely it couldn’t get that bad.”
Caitlin fought the tears, but they built up, blurring her sight. “But it did.”
Jordan put down his mug and sat forward. “What do you mean?”
“Last night…they broke into my house, ransacking it, looking for anything that could lead them to my dad.” Caitlin sucked in a breath, doing her best to keep from sobbing. “What if I was there with Isabelle, alone? What would they have done to her?”
She lost the fight, after days of holding in all the fear, of trying to be strong in front of her daughter; she couldn’t do it any longer. Jordan pulled her into his lap, and she let him. He had always been a place of comfort for her, and those memories held physical responses, making her body relax and allow his murmured words to soothe her.
When her sobs calmed, he released her long enough to reach for a tissue and hand it to her. “It’s going to be okay. No one is going to hurt you two…not here, not while I’m around.”
She pushed off his lap, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose. “These are dangerous men, Jordan. What if they hurt you, too?”
“Nah, I’m a tough old hillbilly.”
“You aren’t old.”
Jordan laughed. “Some days I feel like it, but I guess you won’t deny I’m a hillbilly.”
“We all are.” She sniffed.
“That’s right. The entire town will pull together. I’ve seen it happen twice now.”
“What do you mean?” Caitlin drew her knees back up to her, ready to hear anything to pull her away from the scary reality facing her…knowing that the worst conversation was still to come and not minding a way to procrastinate.
“They aren’t my stories to tell, but let’s say both Derrick’s and Tyler’s wives came with trouble following them.”
“Really?” She shook her head. “Derrick, I could see…he’s always been a rescuer, but Tyler?” Then she leaned forward. “Wait…I thought Derrick was engaged to Anna?”
“He was but broke it off.”
“Well, that’s actually a good thing. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with Anna, but they didn’t have that deep connection like we…”
“Like us.” His grin broadened. “Exactly, and what he said, too. The crazy part is, remember that gal he puppy crushed all over from Camp Hope?”
Caitlin cocked her head. “Oh, yeah…the blonde. I never got to meet her cause I was working, but yeah. He never stopped talking about her.”
“Well, that’s his wife.”
“No way!”
“Yep, she came here to escape a horrific experience, fleeing a stalker that no one else saw…at least until Derrick saw him, too. Long story short, he was real. Derrick stepped in, knowing exactly what he was getting into and not caring.”
“That sounds like Derrick,” she said, leaning back.
“The whole town pulled together. I helped him a lot, and when a similar incident happened with Tyler’s wife, we did it again.” Jordan reached for her hand. “I’m not that different from Derrick, Caity. I don’t care what’s coming after you. With my life, I will protect you and your daughter."
Caitlin swallowed, squeezing his hands before tearing herself away. She wouldn’t be able to handle it when she told him, and he ripped himself away from her. It would be best for her to put the distance between them now.
“I haven’t told you everything…not yet,” she said, her voice quivering.
“You don’t think this has been enough for one night?” He sat back, taking another sip of his hot cocoa and pretending like nothing mattered.
“I…I can’t go on without telling you the truth. It’s ripping me apart inside. It will be better if you know and never look at me again, than to have you right here…saying you want everything I have always dreamed of and knowing we are living a lie.”
“If this is about the other man…” Jordan said, waving it off.
“There is no other man, never was. Only you…always only you.” Caitlin whispered the words, breathing in courage to meet his eyes, to watch him as he realized the truth.
“But…Isabelle…did you get that, what is it called, artificial insemination thing?” Jordan licked his lips, and his eyes bounced all over. A part of him knew, she could see it, but he didn’t want to believe it.
“You knew how much I wanted a baby, and I knew how much you loathed the idea. You made that very clear.” Her heart raced, and all of a sudden the heat from the wood stove was too much. “That doesn’t excuse what I did.”
“I don’t understand, Caitlin.” Jordan pushed back, his leg jumping and eyes not meeting hers. “I told you I was sorry about what I said, that I had a change of heart.”
“Which makes what I did, without giving you the chance to change your perspective, even worse.” Tears streamed down her cheeks, and watching Jordan doing whatever he could to avoid the truth made her want to cry even more.
“What do you mean, what you did? Running off and getting pregnant alone?” He shook his head. “What’s done is done. You’re back, and that’s all that matters.”
“I know you can see it…” Caitlin said. “I know she feels it. You’ve looked into her eyes.” Caitlin caught his gaze, holding it in intensity. “It’s like looking into yours.”
Jordan pushed off the couch, though his gaze didn’t stray from hers, but rather it held on like a lifeline. “What are you saying, Caitlin? What are you saying?” His voice lined with panic as he backed away.
“She’s yours, Jordan. Isabelle is yours.” Caitlin bit her lip to keep from crying. She had to be strong for Jordan. She had to face the consequences of her actions, no matter how much it hurt to see the man she loved go through the gyrations. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“She’s mine…Isabelle is my daughter?” He ran a hand through his hair, his brows scrunched together like he couldn’t understand the words.
Caitlin waited, holding her breath, knowing the anger would set upon him soon, knowing that the realization that he had missed out on the first three years of his daughter’s life because of her fear would make him roar with fury.
“Why?” Jordan looked at her, betrayal filling his eyes along with unshed tears. “Why would you keep her from me? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You didn’t want kids…you told me to leave if…if I ever thought to change that…” Caitlin bowed her head, unable to hold back the cries. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. I thought I was sparing you pain.”
“You should have told me. We would have figured it out together.” He shook his head, his hand shoving through his hair, making it stand on end.
“And have you resent me for the rest of your life?” Caitlin snapped her head back up, her own anger reeling, though the moment she met his eyes, she knew the truth.
He would have shifted, he would have stepped up. She never gave him the chance, and now he very well might resent her for the rest of his life, anyway.
Caitlin jutted her jaw out, standing up, drawing as much dignity as she could as she met his eyes once more. “I did you wrong, Jordan. There is nothing I can do to change the past. I can’t give you the last four years back.” She sucked in her trembling lip and grounded her feet into the hardwood floor. “You can do to me what you will. It’s my doing, my consequence. Just please, please don’t take it out on our daughter.”
“ Our daughter…” Jordan shook his head, backing until he hit the sliding glass door. His eyes met hers once more, searching and scared and confused. “I…I…” Then he turned, fled outside, his steps echoing down the deck.
Caitlin ran after him to the open doorway, calling his name once…just once, as she saw his shadow disappear into the woods behind the house. Cold air whipped in through the doorway, bringing a few sprinkles of rain.
“I’m sorry.”
She slid the door closed, resting her head on the cold glass and let the tears fall.
The night had gone nothing like Jordan had imagined. The idea of snuggling on the couch, comforting Caitlin, and working his way back into her heart flew out the window almost as fast as he did. He walked through the trees, Buster following behind him, happily wagging his tail like their entire world hadn’t just changed.
Everything had changed.
It changed the moment Caitlin showed up in Hope Lake. It changed again when her daughter came running up to them. This last change, though, was the greatest and the one that still left him reeling and unstable.
He had a daughter.
Adorable Isabelle was his. A wash of pride flowed through him, and he reveled in it for a moment before he allowed reality to smack him back down.
There were so many thoughts and ideas and emotions swirling within him, they kept slamming into each other, throwing out one to take its place before something else knocked that one out as well. Like the marble game that his grandpa had taught him to play all those years ago.
He held his head, circling the woods only to find himself under the large oak he had proposed to Caitlin under.
“Ugh!” he cried out as he kicked at the freshly fallen acorns.
“Have you gone mad?” Miller’s voice jolted Jordan. “We have perps coming after us. You know we’re armed, and you’re wandering around in the woods in the dark, throwing a fit.”
“It’s my property, man,” Jordan said, too tired to come up with something funny.
“It is, and we appreciate you allowing us here…but, next time, let us know you’re going out for a midnight stroll.” Miller folded his arms.
“It’s not like it was a planned stroll,” Jordan muttered, leaning against the tree. “Did you know? This whole time…she kept saying you didn’t want her to tell me…”
“Know what?” Miller growled.
“She’s mine! Isabelle is my kid.”
Miller stepped back. “Whoa…uh, that’s, well. That’s heavy, but it has nothing to do with me.”
“She left four years ago…four years ago, pregnant, and didn’t even think to tell me…just disappeared.”
Miller shifted his weight. “I don’t think I’m the guy to talk to about this, sir.”
“She hid my daughter from me for over three years!” Jordan leaned toward him and Miller stepped further back. “I know. I know. She’s your boss…”
“She’s not our boss. She’s our boss’s daughter.” Miller glanced around the darkness. “Don’t you have a buddy or a dad or a preacher? Man, I’m not the guy to talk to.”
Jordan waved him off. “Then leave me to my misery.”
“Misery?” Miller hesitated. “I don’t know Miss Caitlin all that well, nor her cute little daughter, but I have eyes, and they have seen you three acting like heaven come down to the earth these last forty some odd hours.”
Jordan glanced up at the guard, not wanting to hear what he had to say. “I thought you weren’t the guy to talk to?”
Miller nodded. “My apologies, sir. I’ll be in front of the house if you need me.”
Jordan paced next to the tree, stopping to lean a hand on the rough bark now and then. His legs wobbled weakly, his mind spun, and his heart went from deflated to full to broken, repeating the cycle over and over.
Part of him wanted to rush in and pull Isabelle into his arms, profess his love for her, and cherish every moment he had with her from here on out. Then that idea would get overridden by the guilt that he hadn’t been in her life. Sure, he could blame Caitlin for not being honest, for leaving without giving him the chance to redeem himself, but as she said, he had told her to leave if she couldn’t handle not having children.
Had he given her a choice?
Then anger consumed the guilt, demanding that yes, she should have given him the chance. Hiding a child from the father was never okay…no matter how much he had been adamant about not having any.
The last few days he had practically been groveling at her feet, begging for her forgiveness, for another chance…the whole time she was lying to him about Isabelle.
Sweet sugar cakes. His. He had a daughter.
His mind continued spinning, back and forth, around and around, until he thought he would fall over from fatigue. He stumbled to the master bedroom, opened the slider and fell onto his bed, unable to think any longer, and fell into a dreamless sleep.
Cold air whipped against him as the sound of the wind blasted into his ears. The storm had arrived, but why did the wind whine against his goose-bumped flesh? He sat up, droopy eyed and not quite awake. Blinking, he focused on the open slider door, not able to process why it was open.
Stepping out of bed, his feet plopped, still heavy in shoes. The storm had soaked the floor and covered it with leaves and pine needles. He woke up enough to have the sense to close the door.
He ran a hand down his face, squishing on the rug into the bathroom to splash his face with cold water. The burst of freezing water only made him shiver further. He yanked a towel from the rack and threw it on the floor, squatting down to wipe up the mess. As he did, the memories spilled through his sleep numbed mind.
He had a daughter.
The thought froze him until his legs screamed in protest of holding the squat, and he slumped back to his bum, the mess on the floor forgotten.
What in the world was he going to do?
Isabelle squealed down the hall, and his heart lurched. He couldn’t kick them out, even if he wanted to, which he didn’t. Miller was right. He wanted them to be a family, but how could he ever trust Caitlin again? How could he not wonder if she would flee with their daughter, yes, theirs, like she already had?
Now that he knew Isabelle was his, it changed things. He had a claim, ownership. He wouldn’t let Caitlin take her from him again. In fact, that’s where he would start. Cementing the fact that Isabelle was his, and that the girl knew it.
He pushed up to a stand, stomping toward the door, the soles of his shoes squeaking on the wet floor. Self-discipline made him stop, go back, and finish the clean-up job. Then he glanced down at himself, wearing the same clothes he had yesterday, clothes he had pushed through the woods in, then slept in.
Taking the time to shower didn’t appeal to him, but he did it anyway. A strange vibration grew within him as he realized he didn’t want to meet his daughter looking like a man who slept in his clothes.
Once he had cleaned up and put on new clothes, throwing his sheets covered in the forest muck from his clothes in the washer, he ventured out into the house, listening for the tale-tell squeal of his daughter. His.
For once she was quiet and happily coloring next to the wood stove where Buster sprawled out, tongue happily hanging out the side of his mouth. Caitlin startled as he came into the room. She stood, her hands weaving in and out together as she held them in front of her.
“I…I…” Caitlin started.
He held up a quieting hand. “Does she know?”
“What?” Caitlin looked from him to Isabelle and back again.
He lowered his voice and stepped closer. “Does Isabelle know I’m her father?”
Caitlin bit her lip, blinked her eyes, and shook her head. “I didn’t know what to say.”
Jordan grunted, not knowing what to say either.
“But she did…” Caitlin glanced back at her daughter before stepping closer and whispering, “She asked me last night if she had a daddy, and if she didn’t, if you could be her daddy.”
Jordan’s heart clenched, and his chest tightened. “She said that last night?”
Caitlin nodded. “Do you want to…I mean, she doesn’t know, so if you still feel the way…you know…the way you used to…”
Jordan narrowed his eyes, leaning as close to her as he dared. “What I want is for you to have told me from the get-go, but seeing as the past can’t be undone, she has every right to know that you’ve been lying to us both.”
Caitlin stepped back, the look of fear in her eyes worse than it had ever been with this whole thing with her father. His satisfaction quickly turned into guilt as her eyes filled with tears.
“I didn’t think of it as lying, and I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she said, her voice quivering. “Either of you.”
“What’s done is done,” Jordan said, shaking out his hands, dispelling the pent-up emotions within him.
“Jordan, I…please don’t take her away from me.” Caitlin choked on a sob.
“Is that really who you think I am?” His voice raised enough that Isabelle glanced up at them.
“Jordie! I almost done,” she said before sticking her tongue back out and concentrating on her coloring.
“I can’t wait to see it,” he said, softening his voice. Then he turned back to Caitlin as she wiped away her tears and he lowered his voice to a whisper. “What kind of man would take a little girl away from her mama?”
“I’m…just scared,” she said, her voice quivering.
“That I can understand, but you don’t have to fear me.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I…I don’t know what to think about you and all of this…my trust…you…” He shook his head.
“I know. I deserve that…” She lowered her head.
“All I know right now is that I don’t want to miss another single day with my daughter…and as my daughter.” That knowing solidified in him something tangible he could hold on to.
“So, let’s tell her.” Caitlin sniffed, wiping at her eyes, before raising her head to meet his eyes. “Together.”
He gave a curt nod, his heart racing at the idea of him being involved in that conversation, but that’s what he wanted. He wanted to be involved in everything in that little girl’s life from here on out.
They held each other’s gaze until Isabelle stirred. She neatly put each crayon away.
“Is that normal?” He leaned over and asked Caitlin.
“For her, yes. She has a little OCD, I think…” Caitlin’s shoulders relaxed as she let out a little laugh. “I don’t think most three-year-olds do that, though.”
“She’s special,” Jordan said, easing himself onto the couch.
“She is,” Caitlin said, easing herself to the other side.
“Look!” Isabelle ran over to Jordan, holding the coloring book, shoving it in his face when she got there.
“Let’s see,” Jordan said, holding it back so he could take a good look at the picture. She hadn’t stayed within the lines, hadn’t filled in every part of the unicorn, and had scribbles at the top of the paper in the sky. “It’s beautiful. You picked some fun colors for the horse.”
“Uneecorn, not horsie,” she corrected.
“Oh, sorry, unicorn.” He grinned at it.
“See this.” She pointed to the scribbles in the sky. “It your name and that a heart. For you.” She took the book back to try to tear the paper out, but it ripped. “Uh-oh. You do it.”
Jordan took the book and carefully ripped the picture out, handing it to her.
“No, for you. I color for you. See your name.” She beamed at him.
“Thank you,” Jordan said, holding the paper reverently. “I will put it on the fridge in a bit and treasure it forever.”
Isabelle clapped her hands, then wrapped her arms around him, planting a slobbery kiss on his cheek.
“Thank you,” Jordan said, his eyes burning and throat constricting.
“Sweetie,” Caitlin said, clearing her throat, her hands shaking as she reached for her daughter…their daughter. “I…we, have something very important to tell you.”
“Uh-oh…I in trouble?”
“No, sweetie,” Caitlin said, holding her arms out, and Isabelle ran into them. “Do you remember your question last night?”
“I have lots of questions.”
“Yes, you do, but last night you asked me who your daddy was.” Caitlin glanced at Jordan, and he held his breath.
“I know. Jordie my daddy.” She smiled at him with a wide, beaming smile.
Caitlin paused, her lips quirking in a way that he knew meant she didn’t know what to say.
Jordan leaned forward. “I am your daddy…and I’m sorry I haven’t been there, but that’s going to change now.”
“You stay with us?”
Jordan glanced at Caitlin and cleared his throat. “That’s uh, I want you to stay here…with me, but that’s up to your mommy. Either way, no matter what happens, I will be in your life as much as I possibly can.”
Isabelle jumped up. “Yay! Mommy, we stay here? I like it here. I can run and play in forest and play with Buster and see the pool. I swim! And we have Jordie and…”
“You, uh…, sweetie. You can call him,” Caitlin glanced at him, a question in her eyes and he gave her a nod, “Daddy.”
“That what I mean. We stay at Daddy’s house. Okay?” She jumped and ran over to Buster as he moaned in his sleep.
“It’s not that simple…” Caitlin said, but her voice faded and Jordan didn’t think she had actually meant to say it out loud.
“I think she does serious about as much as I do.” Jordan pushed off the couch and patted down his pants. “So, it’s Sunday…I figured you shouldn’t go to church, right?”
“Probably for the best…” She had kept her voice calm, but he saw the horror of the thought in her eyes.
“Eventually everyone will know, Caitlin.”
“I know,” she said, “but maybe it can all die down before I have to go back into the midst of them.”
“Huh,” he said, fingering his hair. “Consequences suck, don’t they?”
He turned and walked away, not knowing what to say, not able to take the hurt that tore apart his heart every time he met her eyes, and not being able to stop the desire to pull her into his arms all at the same time.