Chapter Seventeen
Hollis
I lay my cheek against the cool gray-painted cinderblock wall. I’m not going to puke. I’m not going to puke. I’m not going to puke. My stomach recoils and burns, but nothing comes up. It’s a good thing I passed up bacon and eggs this morning. That shit would be sick coming back up. Another wave of nausea hits me. Thinking of food is not wise.
Instead, I think about Dad’s text, which isn’t much better.
Dad: We need to talk.
I don’t want to talk to him. Not after everything he did. The way he went on a fucking rampage because he found out I like guys. Big deal. Apparently to him, it’s the biggest deal. I’ve never seen a grown man throw such a temper tantrum in all my life.
I should have known he would have flipped.
I’m an embarrassment to his name.
Don’t I even know what this could do to his reputation at the hospital?
In other countries, people are killed for this bullshit.
The last part is what sent Mom into a rare momma bear rage. She got into a screaming match with my father and told him I was his son. That he wasn’t allowed to treat me that way. He told her I was worthless and since I was eighteen, I needed to go. She said that if I go, we all go. He’d be left all alone. My father said it was better than living with a freak.
And here we are.
Mom yanked her kids up so fast and left his ass, he didn’t have much time to react. He was pissed. Blamed me. Blamed her. But too much of an asshole to fight to try and at least get her and the girls to stay. Instead, the stubborn dick let us leave.
And now he wants to talk.
Too little, too late.
What does he even want to talk about? Does he want them back? Does he want to make amends? Is he trying to get our cars back?
The not knowing makes my head spin. But I also don’t want to talk to him, so I guess I’ll never know.
I pull out the other phone in my pocket. I’d bought it Saturday after I dropped Sidney off. For Roan. But then he avoided me like the plague and now has sided with his psycho bestie.
I expected more from him.
That kiss…it just felt like more than a simple night of pleasure.
As soon as I feel better, I stand and shove the phones into my pocket. I’m shaky as I make my way over to the sink. After a quick splash of water on my face, I stare at my reflection. I’m paler than usual. The bags under my eyes are dark and pronounced. My cheeks seem hollowed out. Frankly, I look like shit. I feel like it too.
I should go back into the lunchroom where I abandoned my untouched lunch tray. Gio and Sidney are probably worried about me if they’re not still making out. It’s weird to see geeky Gio with someone like Sidney, but they somehow seem to work. Everyone else is totally freaked out by them. Even her friend Wendy has taken to hanging out with some other girls.
The door to the bathroom opens and I close my eyes, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone when I feel like this. Footsteps squeak across the linoleum. But when I don’t hear one of the stalls open, I open my eyes.
Oh, fuck.
Roan stares at me in the mirror, just a couple feet beside me. His bronze eyes are intense and assessing. They could almost be confused with worry. I know better, though. He’s not worried. If anything, he’s worried I’ll tell everyone he had a weak gay moment.
Whatever.
“What?” I rasp out, hating that my voice is shaky.
He steps closer. “You okay?”
“Yep.”
“Liar.”
“What do you want?” I demand, turning to glower at him. “Your friends are waiting. Jordy is waiting.”
He lets out a heavy sigh and runs his fingers through his hair, his eyes darting in an almost frantic way. “Listen…”
“I get it,” I hiss. “It was an accident. You were drunk. Whatever. I’m fine.”
Scowling, he shakes his head. “I wasn’t drunk. It wasn’t a fucking accident, Hollis.”
Hollis. Not rat.
My heart cracks down the middle.
God, I hate this guy.
“Just not good enough to acknowledge or talk about,” I state bitterly. “Could have fooled me when you came all over—”
He grabs the front of my sweatshirt and pulls me closer. “Lower your voice.”
“Right,” I sneer. “Wouldn’t want it to get out that you kissed a guy and fucking liked it.”
His eyes dart to my lips and it makes my heart flop inside my chest. “I didn’t like it.”
I flinch at his words.
“I didn’t like it,” he mutters, leaning closer. “Because I loved it.” His breath is hot, just inches from my mouth. “Confusing as fuck, but I loved it.”
“I loved it too,” I say with a sigh. “But that’s because I’m gay. Gays like kissing guys. It’s the way of our rainbow-colored world.”
“I loved the other stuff too.” Roan’s lips inch closer to mine. So close. “It felt good.”
This guy makes no sense. I don’t understand him one bit.
“But,” I whisper.
His lips press to mine, urgent and desperate. It ignites the anger inside me, turning it into a blazing inferno of need. Our mouths part and I slide my tongue against his, eager for another taste. Strong fingers bite into my hip as he walks me back toward a wall. He kisses me hungrily and wildly. The moment his hips press against mine, I feel just how aroused he is. His dick is every bit as hard as mine. We both want this.
I slide my fingers into his hair, tugging, pulling him closer to me. I’m starved for more of him. He blew me off after that night, hasn’t apologized, and I just forgive him. The guy doesn’t deserve my forgiveness, but I gift it anyway.
“I’m sorry.” His words come out as a breathy surprise against my wet, swollen lips. He trails a line of wet kisses to my earlobe. “Everything’s just so fucked up.” His teeth tug at my earlobe and I nearly nut in my pants.
Holy fuck.
“Roan,” I groan, greedily touching him wherever I can.
His lips find the side of my neck and he licks the skin there. Then, he sucks me into his mouth. Hard. Urgent. As though he wants to leave a memory of his mouth for all to see. I moan, tugging at his hair.
Someone laughs just outside the door and Roan practically jumps three feet in the air. He retreats away from me, his eyes wide with panic. With his disheveled hair and boner, there’s no hiding he was just making out with me. No one comes inside, so he broke away for nothing.
“Fuck,” he groans. “I, uh, I kind of lost control.”
I lick my lips, craving another kiss, but knowing I won’t get another one now that he’s been spooked. “I liked it.”
A grin tugs at his lips. “I liked it too.” His smile falls. “But…”
“You’re not gay. Got it.”
He rolls his eyes. “It’s not that, rat.”
“Oh, look, the pretty boy can rhyme.”
His eyes darken. “Don’t be a dick.”
“You literally just called me a rat. You’re the dick, not me.”
“Stop talking about dicks or mine won’t calm the fuck down.” He smirks. “We can talk about dicks later.”
Later?
I frown at him. “What do you want?”
“You.”
Not the answer I was expecting.
“I’m right here.” I fling my arms in the air. “Come get me.”
He looks over his shoulder and flinches. “I can’t.”
This is my last school all over again with Lucas.
“Because it’s okay to fuck around with me behind closed doors, but not where anyone can see.” My words drip with bitter venom.
Slowly, he approaches me and raises a hand to run his knuckle along my jaw. “I don’t give a shit what those assholes think.”
My eyes lift to meet his. “So what’s your deal?”
“Roux.”
“Roux won’t care who you date. She’s cool.”
He smiles, but then it fades. “Yeah, but how do I know this won’t somehow hurt her? What if the social worker freaks if she finds out about my…relationship?”
Now I feel like an asshole. He’s afraid they’ll take her away from him for good if he slips up.
“Relationship, huh?” I arch a brow at him. “You don’t even like me.”
“You’re growing on me,” he says, leaning in to steal a quick kiss. “Like a fungus.”
“You should get a job writing inscriptions on Hallmark cards,” I deadpan.
He snorts. “Seems like a cool job.”
“The last guy I dated…” I sigh. “We had to hide.”
Shame burns in his eyes. “That’s fucked up.”
“Yeah.” I kiss him again. “But it’s fine. I came out once before and it nearly ruined my life. Not exactly eager to do that again.”
“So what is this then? Some kind of truce?”
“More than a truce. A pact.”
“A pact for what?”
“To see where this goes. In secret.”
“What if it goes nowhere?”
“Then nobody has to know about our fuck up.”
He smiles. “And what if it goes somewhere?”
“You have to admit you like me then.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever like you,” he teases. “Not you. You’re too perfect, porcelain boy. Makes me want to break you.”
“Wow,” I say with a whistle. “Put that in a proposal and I’ll marry you tomorrow.”
He laughs, playfully shoving me away. “You’re such a smartass. Am I the only one who gets to see this wonderful side of you?”
“It’s one of my secrets. You’re my secret. It’s fitting you know all the shitty sides of me too.”
His eyes narrow. “Speaking of…what’s the deal with not eating?”
My stomach clenches violently at his words.
“Sometimes food makes me sick. The end.” I shove my hand in my pocket and hand him a phone. “Here, secret lover.”
“Don’t call me that,” he grumbles as he eyes the phone warily. “What’s that?”
“Don’t make me say it.”
He clenches his jaw.
“It’s a phone,” I say slowly like I’m teaching a caveman my language. “You put it to your ear—”
“No shit, Sherlock,” he snaps, his shoulders going rigid. “Why are you handing it to me?”
I shove it into his jeans pocket and leave my hand inside his pocket. “Because you’re my secret lover and I need to get a hold of you.”
“I’m not some fucking girlfriend you have to impress, rat.”
“And I’m not an asshole, rat lover.”
A muscle ticks in his jaw. “Don’t call me that.”
“Dude, you have no room to talk.” I slowly pull my hand from his jeans, letting my fingers brush against his dick along the way. “Yours got ruined when you had to rescue my ass. It’s called returning a favor. Just use the phone and forget all this proud crap you do. Okay? It can be another damn secret. I…” I let out a heavy sigh. “I got another one at the house for Roux.”
He blinks several times in shock, his jaw clenching.
“So she can talk to Charlotte. I overheard her talking about how kids were teasing her and since I was already replacing ours, it cost like ten bucks more to add another one.”
It wasn’t ten bucks.
It was over a grand that I took from my savings—money that should have gone to help Mom out but didn’t—to replace my phone and buy two more, but I’m sure as hell not telling him that.
“Ten bucks, huh?”
“Yep.”
“When you lie, your cheek twitches.”
“When you’re being an asshole, your mouth moves and words come out.”
He barks out a laugh. “I hate you.”
“Now you can call me on your phone and tell me how much. Just make sure you breathe heavily into the phone. For reasons.”
His smirk is hot. He quirks up his brow, making his barbell piercing glint in the bathroom light. “What reasons?”
“Do it and you’ll find out.”
He bites on the inside of his bottom lip, his amber eyes dancing with humor. “I’ll find out tonight. When you’re all cozy and half asleep, I’ll call you. Breathe heavily to piss you off.”
“It’s hard to be pissed off when you’re naked and your secret lover is breathing heavily on the other line.” I give him my best smoldering look. It works because his eyes drift to my lips, lingering there.
“Are you always this much of a brat?”
“Guess you’ll have to spend more time with me to find out.”
He smiles. “See you after practice. We can spend time together cleaning your aunt’s attic. I’ll put you to work. That’ll teach your mouthy ass.”
“Never speak the words ‘mouth’ and ‘ass’ to a gay man and not expect him to get turned right the fuck on.” I lift a brow. “You’re poking a bear.”
He walks right up to me, lips nearly on mine, and boldly rubs my dick through my jeans. “I’d rather stroke a rat.”
Fucker.
I groan, my lips parting with need.
He gifts me with a wild grin and then he’s gone. I’m left with a boner and a thrill buzzing through my veins.
I’m not sure what sort of shit I’ve tangled myself into with Roan.
I just know I’m not ready to get out.
I’m in.
One hundred percent in.