Chapter 13 #2
This is no brush of lips. No “Oh, shit, I didn’t see your mouth there” type of accident. Robbie’s hand comes up to cup my jaw, tilting my head just the right way, and his mouth crashes into mine like he’s been starving for it. Like he’s been holding back as hard as I have.
I make a sound—a humiliatingly desperate, disbelieving noise—and he deepens the kiss.
His tongue slides over mine with reverent possessiveness, like he knows he owns me, but he can’t quite believe his luck.
His other hand grips my hip, fingers digging into the side of my ass over my pajama pants, and pulls me closer so I can feel every inch of him pressed against me.
Oh fuck. Oh god. This is…
My brain explodes. A whole week of tension, a month of pain, and years of longing detonate all at once. With my good hand, I grab the back of his neck and lock him against me because he’s mine mine mine , and I kiss him like I’m determined to pour every ounce of my frustrated love into him.
Coffee kind of tastes delicious, I realize, when I’m tasting it on Robbie’s tongue.
His hand slides into my hair, and he grips just roughly enough to make me gasp, then takes advantage, licking deeper into my mouth.
My back hits the counter, and he bends his knees as he presses into me, like he needs to make sure I feel how fucking hard his cock is as he ruts against mine through our pants.
The entire world shrinks into the two square feet we’re occupying, and the entire timeline of the universe condenses to this one perfect moment.
Oh fuck , I think. This is what it was all for. This is why I held on so long. I knew, if I just kept the faith ? —
No. Fuck .
What am I doing?
I let go of Robbie’s neck and shove him back with all the force I can muster.
We stare at each other, breathing hard. His lips are red, swollen, and shiny with our combined saliva. His hair’s a mess from where I grabbed it.
“Jesus Christ ,” I manage, my voice barely a croak. “What the fuck, Robert! What about Lissa?”
Green eyes blink at me hazily, like he’s coming out of a trance. “We… we broke up.”
Can you relapse with a concussion? I don’t remember the doctors saying so when I was being discharged, but maybe. Or maybe the kiss cut off my oxygen, and now I’m hallucinating.
Robbie gives me a patient, affectionate smile. “It’s not oxygen deprivation, Amesie,” he says, making me realize I spoke that thought aloud. He takes a step toward me and reaches out a hand for my hip, trying to pull us back together.
I step out of reach, and he sighs, scrubbing a hand through his hair.
“Look, I didn’t say anything at the time because you were recovering, but Lissa and I broke up last Sunday?—”
“You what ?” I gasp. “A fucking week ago?”
He tilts his head. “Didn’t you wonder why she hadn’t come by? Or called? Or texted?”
I blink. I probably should have wondered all those things, but I was too busy enjoying myself.
“Wh-what happened?” I demand. “What the fuck?”
Robbie shakes his head and scratches at a spot between his pecs. “I couldn’t go through with it. It was all wrong. And once I realized that, I couldn’t unknow it. ”
Since this is exactly what I was thinking about him earlier, I nod slowly.
He continues. “I, uh, I think I’ve spent a long time not knowing what I wanted. Not letting myself acknowledge it. And then suddenly, I… did.”
“And you wanted to… not… be… with Lissa?” I say haltingly, because the way he’s looking at me suggests something different. Something more. Something I am literally incapable of believing.
“Yeah. That. And also.” He clears his throat. “I realized I, uh… I’m attracted to… well. You .”
Concussion relapse. Has to be. Because I could swear Robbie— my Robbie—just said…
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while.
First, I was like, wait, what’s happening right now?
He’s a guy! He’s my best friend ! But then…
I dunno, everything about it just felt so right, I couldn’t stop thinking that way.
Noticing you.” He swallows. “Your body. Your face. Your ass. Your smile. You know I’ve always loved your smile, Amesie. I just didn’t know how much.”
I focus on breathing in and out because otherwise I’m concerned I might faint.
“And then the fire happened,” Robbie whispers.
“And I… I decided fuck it . Life’s short.
I don’t care why I feel the way I feel. I don’t need to analyze exactly when my feelings started to change or why.
I asked myself, What do I want ? What can’t I live without? And the answer was you. You , Ames.”
I shake my head. “But?—”
“I hadn’t figured out how to talk to you about it.
” He rubs his lips together. “I kept feeling like I needed to ease you into it somehow or present it to you in a PowerPoint— still not my forte—so you’d believe me.
” He laughs. “But that was stupid, right? I mean, you’re Ames.
You get me. I can just tell you what I’m thinking with no filter.
” He sinks his teeth into his bottom lip and reaches for me again. “Or tell you without words.”
I stare at him, unblinking. Unmoving. Unbreathing.
“I’m attracted to you,” he blurts out. “I think I said that already, but just to be clear. And now I’d really like to kiss you again.”
Oh, no. I don’t know what’s happening here, but it’s clear that my delusion has infected Rob too.
“You don’t mean that,” I say quickly. “You’re scared of… of getting married. And scared of losing me, after the fire. And scared of losing our friendship, before that.”
“Ames.” He shakes his head solemnly.
“Which is understandable ,” I assure him. “Crises make people do weird shit?—”
“I’m not having a crisis. Lissa and I broke up. She texted and offered to give back the engagement ring, but I told her to keep it. I ran by her parents’ place and picked up some stuff of mine while I was getting groceries the other day. It’s done.”
He was picking up his shit from Lissa while I was jerking off?
Jesus fuck. I feel like I unknowingly took part in some kind of Buffy -esque ritual. I summoned this demon, and now I need to banish it.
“Okay. Well. That’s… I mean, I’m sorry. Because I know breakups can be rough. But there are other fish in the sea. Other female fish. That doesn’t mean you and I should… No.”
“Ames,” he says patiently, taking another careful step toward me like I’m a wild animal. “I don’t want another woman. Did you hear what I said?”
“No!” I step away again. “You need to stop right now, Robert. You need to think about what you’re saying.
Because genies do not go back into bottles, okay?
And I… I am not interested in… this.” I wave my hand vaguely at his broad, warm, muscular, very naked chest. “This posttraumatic… experimental… whatever the fuck.”
“That’s not?—”
“Bup bup bup!” I hold out a hand when he paces another step toward me.
He groans and rubs both hands through his hair.
“Look, I know this is a lot. Maybe I should’ve done a PowerPoint.
But you just looked so hot, standing here in my kitchen, and I’ve been dying to touch you all week while you were injured, and every night, I’ve been dreaming about what you said in the hospital?—”
“What? What did I say in the hospital?” I demand.
Robbie’s whole body flinches. “Uh. When you were on pain meds?—”
“When you claimed I was going full-Elsa?”
“You didn’t sing. But you did sort of… say you were in love with me.”
Robbie’s phone rings somewhere in the bedroom, and both of us flinch but ignore it. The world has tilted sideways right here in this kitchen, and we’re trying to hang on.
“I said what ?”
“You said it was always me for you.” Robbie’s green eyes are like lasers. Like tractor beams. They hold me in place and won’t let me flee. “Is that still true?”
I feel like I might throw up. This is my worst nightmare— Robbie knowing how I feel and then trying to give me what I want, even trying to convince himself he wants it too .
It’s the fucking ChapStick all over again.
His phone is ringing again, but I don’t even think he hears it. I barely notice it myself.
“I was out of my mind,” I say desperately. “And now you’re taking my bullshit as gospel truth and trying to force yourself to reciprocate? I can’t let you do that, Robbie?—”
“No.” Robbie shakes his head once. “That’s not what this is.”
“Be honest ,” I cry. “For the sake of our friendship, be honest. Are you saying you’re bisexual? Have you ever even been attracted to a man before this?”
He hesitates. “I… I don’t know. I didn’t think I had, but now I’m looking back and realizing…”
Suddenly, my phone rings shrilly on the counter. And I take it for the lifeline it is, moving around the counter to grab it.
“H-hello?”
“Uncle Ames? It’s Brie.” Her voice sounds uncharacteristically frustrated, nearly on the verge of tears.
“Dad was supposed to take me to tae kwon do today, but he’s not here, and he’s not answering his phone.
My green belt test starts in, like, twenty-seven minutes, and it’s twenty minutes away, and it’s my week to bring snacks.
Kaylee says Dad’s car’s busted, and Mom’s working a double ’til three, and Uncle Robbie’s not answering his phone. I don’t know what to do.”
“Hang on, sweetheart. Take a breath. We’ve got this,” I tell her .
I glance over at Robbie, and I can tell he’s heard the whole thing, though it wasn’t on speaker, simply because she was that loud and upset.
He clenches his jaw, shuts his eyes, shakes his head once like he cannot fucking believe this is happening, then opens them and nods once.
“Uncle Robbie’s with me, and he’s coming to get you right now,” I tell her. “Okay? He’s getting dressed.”
Robbie stomps toward the stairs.
“Oh, thank you,” she says fervently.
“’Course. Now, do you have the snacks?”
“Yeah. Mom said to bring orange slices and pretzels,” she assures me. “It’s lame, but I’m not allowed to use the stove when she’s not home.”